I seem hopeless, how can I make my life succeed?

[J. Darko]

Good day ladies and gentlemen,

Today was another bad day, a day of hitting rock bottom again, or even worse: realising I've never climbed out of it in the first place. And in these days I'm looking for opportunities, for motivation and for answers in order to improve myself, yet I find myself in this position of failure again. It is starting to consume me, I can't take it anymore, there's a problem with me and I just can't seem to fix it.

Background

This is the story. I'm 21 years old, I have no family, no friends, I've never had a girlfriend, nor did I have sex, but what I do have is a lot of bad experience. Now I'm approaching the final year of studying at a university and that means I'm approaching the edges of the window of opportunity, I'm at the verge of having wasted my youth.

I've come to realise that I'm the cause of all of this, so I started a search for a solution and found some so called ''PUA-material'', including this site. Of all these theories about women and social interaction I found the Book Of Pook the most inspiring, but adopting a new mindset didn't get me anywhere.


Lack of social skills


What is holding me back? Well, to start with, there's a whole difference between the way I think when I'm alone and the way I am when I find myself in the presence of others. When I'm not interacting with other people I see myself as an awesome guy and I have all these things I want to talk about, all these stories I'd like to tell to other people, all these dreams, philosophies, ambitions, hobby's and most of all, I'd like to hear their stories, their dreams and their perspectives. On that top of that, I just want to have fun, but when I'm having a conversation all this starts to fall apart.

A conversation really takes my energy. It's supposed to be fun and relaxing and it can be, but most of the time I experience it as a chore. Talking and listening are hard to do for me, even harder than the Squat, it wears me out. But the worst of it is that I have all these incredible thoughts, but I can't put them to incredible words, so I never transmit that feeling, I can never pull people into my world and fascinate them that way. So I either don't speak about them in the first place or talk about it but without that touch, the fascination and the dreamy feeling put into it so it sounds really...unattractive.
So in short, talking is like a chore for me and I can't put my thoughts into words the way I want.

The major problem in this social freakshow is the inability to formulate sentences. I can easily strike up a conversation but while I'm talking I'm constantly losing track of what I want to say, like mid-sentence I suddenly get a black out and stop. Then I need the time to think about what I was going to say. For example:

Yeah I can really understand why it's so difficult for you to make that choice because of theee....well...ehm...you know...you're parents and stuff...

I have this all the freakin' time! It doesn't help to think about what I'm going to say before I strike up the conversation, because that makes me nervous, while spontanious talking is easier and far more natural for me, but then I'm constantly stuck in sentences. How can I overcome this?

And one last thing: I never have a quick and ready response for everything. People always catch me off guard. When I'm alone, I can just laugh off the negative stuff, but the exact moment I get a negative comment I'm always clueless, while I know hoe to react al too well, it just doesn't come out at the right time at the right place. What can I do about this as well?

Appearence


First of all, I think I'm a great looking guy. I'm 1.78 meters tall and appear to be younger than I actually am. I have small frame, even despite of years of weightlifting and weighting almost 100 Kilo. No, it's not my self-image distorting the fact that I am a huge intimidating looking guy like Pook describes himself weighting as much in his chapter about ''what every skinny guy should know''. People can't tell that I lift weights till they see me in the gym and than they start to think I'm using steroids because of the weight I'm using. Having trouble progressing lately on Madcow 5x5, so any tips about weightlifting are welcome.

On the downside, I have a feeling I don't have the features girls are looking for. I'm relatively short and small build, appear young, almost no jawline, have a real friendly looking face. Multiple girls have commented me on this in a negative way. One girl in particular, a girl that was sort of a friend once, tried to help me out by giving advice and going out with me. I know some people here on Sosuave are not so positive about girls given advice and I will write about the gap between PUA-world and reality later, but for now let me say she teached me a lot of things that I read on this site later. She even demonstrated me the concept of social proof, because she went out with me and made all the girls in the club stare at us, I never experienced that before and sadly, not again either.

So anyway she pointed out that I'm neither a nerd nor a tough guy, I'm something in the middle and that's a bad place to be in since I do not represent a typical image that girls fantasize about. She pointed out that my body language sucked. Especially the way I sit, walk and my facial expression. She didn't like my clothes either and thought I should get a millimeter haircut to look manlier. However, I never saw her again, because at some point I was tired of her being the know it all.

Yet, I still need advice on clothes, haircut and possibly bodylanguage, because it might alter the way I am perceived, aside from how my body looks like. Things I wonder about is if I should wear clothes that make me look older like trenchcoats and button shirts and adjust my haircut to very short like Pook would advice to compensate for the lack of less clear manly features. Or, would it look totally out of place? And bodylanguage...I've always walked straight up and stuff and gain lots of confidence over the last few years that might have changed the way I look, but she said it was mostly the walk itself, the movement...I don't know.

Gap between PUA-world and reality

Pretty self evident. Lots of PUA stuff just doen't seem to match with the real world we live in. For example, most people just talk about boring daily life stuff. No fun conversations, no C&F, no witty comments nothing sexual and yet they seem to do pretty well. I just say C&F things just because I feel like it, but girls soon start to think I'm weird, insecure or desperate. Therefore, I really had it with all this bull****. The only thing there's to it is talkin with girls, it's that simple. Therefore, I really need a new light on womn and girls from social intelligent people with lots of experience.

Social circle, vicious circle

I'm alone, literally. There's no birthday cake for me, or a happy Christmas and I sleep on New Years Eve. It would be fun to change that. One problem: how to make friends? Most people I meet assume I have a social circle in the first place and we always go our seperate ways in the end, even though we get a long.

So how do I crawl out of the pits of hell? How do I overcome my social problems in conversating and making (girl)friends? How can I change my appearence to support a new, succesful me? And f*ck all these theories, I am a back

 

[JDA70]

Hi

You made the right choice buy stepping up and doing something
about it like posting your story here.

I as well as the rest of the community are here to help you.

There is hope for you. I and others here can help
if your willing to listen.

Go here and do this.
http://confidencekicker.com/training/

 

[DJBilly]

Hi J. Darko. I feel like I am in a similar situation that you are by being a newbie and feeling that I don't know anything about the game. I only started to read the forums, look at tips, openers, terms, situations and even give a hand at some of the challenges. I know you can change your attitude and yourself to the perfect ideal image that you want, but in order for that to happen you have to gain the confidence to say that yourself. I cannot give a lot of advice that can benefit you right now, but I can say, start hear http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=33715&highlight=high+school+bible. I started with reading the High school bible because I have the mindset to change my life around and am trying to remain confident. Be confident bro, and look around and research all aspects of the game, if you want confidence boosters, or someone to talk to, send me a PM. We can share our experiences, situations and tips as we grow in the game. As JDA said, you made the right choice by even posting and sharing information about yourself, so you are 1 step closer to fixing the "impossible problem". Have a good one, and know you will have a better future.

 

[K.Pez]

Hey J.Darko
I am pulling for you on this man. I was in a similar situation friend wise and felt that conversation was a chore. I'd go days during HS where I didn't talk to anyone around me. Now I'm in college and it can be a tough place to make friends and find your niche when you are 1 of 25,000. One of the things I do regularly is this: (I have never broken it down before, but I hope you find it somewhat useful and helpful)

Do your best to be interested and genuinely happy to meet them, or this will not work. You have to commit to it.
1. When you go to a club meeting or on the first day of class or any social event you should find someone that looks as if they don't know anyone else there either
2. Go over to the desk/chair next to them, ask them if it's taken.

a. Yes, it is --- find another person and another chair and repeat 1 & 2​

b. No, it is not --- put your stuff down and sit next to them​

3. Introduce yourself:

"Hi, my name is K.Pez" -- Remember to make eye contact​

Handshake (no flimsy hands, but don't try to break their hand either)​

They introduce themselves​

"Hi xyz, nice to meet you" and smile at them​

Ask them an obvious question, even if you already know the answer, b/c the conversation has to start somewhere. Do you know what this teacher is like? Who is the speaker for this meeting? Do you know what time this goes till? ect ect You can make a statement about anything in the room or talk about the weather... whatever comes naturally to you or the first thing that comes to your mind. The more genuine the better​

REMEMBER THEIR NAME! This is such an important aspect. They will feel positive towards you if you take the time to remember their name and will in turn remember your face and recognize you later on.

Trivial? Perhaps, but not many people start conversations with strangers and many will be happily surprised. Pick out others who are solo - I have found them to be more friendly and susceptible to my friendship.

Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Integrate those tips into your life and your interactions with other people. I cannot give this book more praise! I read it and integrated it into my life and now I when I run into people from my classes they always stop to talk to me. I am in no way articulate and stumble over my words all the time, but I look past it. What you said about having to rethink what you were saying happens to me all the time, too. Talk through it. It is embarrassing, but don't don't don't let it hold you back. Don't let it be a reason to keep your awesome thoughts to yourself - they deserve to be shared with other people! You got this.

 

[WC2]

I've seen men like you and I've seen them a thousand times.

And it's sad.

You have the vehicle (yourself) to do great things with your life, but you can't get your motor (balls) started.

F*CK your social skills.
Let me take a giant f*cking sh!t on your appearance.
and lastly f*ck your lonely ass pathetic attempt at what you call a social circle.

Let me make it clear to you that none of the above are your problems, hence my animosity.

Like you, I once thought I had the same deficiencies and set out on a path to improve all of them. Nope. Wrong.

What you need to realize is that none of these traits are really your problem. The real problem is the bigger picture.

Who do you want to be?
What do you want from yourself?

To me it sounds like you already know the answers to these questions. You stated that you have this image of yourself in your head, but you just can't portray it.

And it's not really a 'can't' problem -- it's an 'i don't have the balls' problem.

If I asked you to go out tomorrow and put on a totally different persona, could you do it? Could you be a clown for a day? Dress, eat, sleep, and talk like a clown? Theoretically, if you wanted to you really could. It just takes balls. Right?

So if that is true, what is keeping you from dressing, eating, sleeping, and talking like this mental image of yourself everyday? It's not the social skills. It's not the appearance.

It's your mindset.

You care way too much and it's really detrimental to your growth. Every time you're about to do something DIFFERENT and GROW, your mind is stopping you and saying 'NO! Don't do that! What will they think?'

This very thing is STUNTING your growth and sometimes even bringing you several steps back when you get really embarrassed about something.

Next time you're out in public, concentrate on the individuals (namely men) around you who are most liked. They have women buzzing around them, plenty of friends, etc.

Do this for an extended period of time and I guarantee you'll find that the reason these men are so well liked is because they have their own persona that they've built over time and they could care less what others think.

When they talk, the last thing on their mind is what people around them will think.

This trend becomes even more obvious when you step into the financial world. The real successful people are building their life the way THEY want it, while others sit around and watch, worrying about what others think about their little insignificant lives.

Think of that. A CEO who may go on TV once a week only worries about what HE thinks of himself. And you're sitting here with no friends and you're worrying about what EVERYONE thinks of you.

See the trend?

These other traits that you believe are deficiencies almost magically fall into place once you've instilled confidence in who you are and what you want to be.

You say magically WC2? I know it sounds almost unbelievable, but it's true. Ever wonder how that nerd from your high school who never talked to women, let alone men, is now a successful business man who lays 5 chicks a week? It's not magic; it's just that he found his calling and found himself.

The rest falls into place accordingly.

What's really keeping you back isn't your abilities, but your insecurity and lack of BALLS to start something new for yourself.

You lack the BALLS to step out tomorrow and totally change your persona, without really caring about what others think.

... as you can tell I have A LOT to say on this because it's so sad to see men with tons of potential rot away just because they didn't take that first step to becoming their own person.

it's late so I've got to stop for now, but message me for more..

 

[Soprano]

good job for taking the first step to self improvement

a couple quick tips that helped me:

- when you trip over your words, blame her. "see look now you're making me trip over my words." when she laughs and asks how, ignore her and continue. when you say the wrong words or in the wrong order, i usually say "wait.. whatever, you know what i meant." or "wait, what... im not even drunk yet i swear" or something and keep moving. it happens to everyone.

- when you walk, walk slowly with your shoulders back and head up. even if your eyes are looking downwards, keep your actual head straight upwards. walk slowly!! it cracks me up when i see people walking around all stiff and fast.

- talk to people!! anywhere....female...male....about anything...its practice and plus being social is good for you anyways.

- listen to relaxing music or music by artists who women love. not metallica and dmx, that's for the gym.

 

[moneyisking]

I totally agree with WC; btw thanks for words of wisdom. Just like WC said, your social circles, women, friends, not being popular... FVCK THEM.
I really care about you brother. You know why? Because I was JUST LIKE YOU couple month ago, and I was so pissed off and stressed at myself. I gave too much fvck about people, tensed up and nervous around girls, and was not able to be a person that I wanted to be! I was soooo mad, and since this has been piled on for about 2yrs, you will figure the frustration. I couldn't sleep during night b/c I was so furious of myself. I know something is wrong with me, and I kind of know what to do to fix them. But what is holding me back? Sir, knowing in your head and believing it is difference of heaven and earth. When you believe, you naturally do it. Also, like WC said, you need to find what your passion is, who you really want to be. I found that, so I am doing pretty ok with life and women. I think you MUST see this video. It's only about 10 min, and it will really make you think that YOU CAN BECOME WHO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE. And stop giving a fvck about people. I know you will pull through, b/c I did. Pull through with me bro. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeEHHCTNDmE&feature=related

 

[Cure]

I wont repeat what others have said but I second most of the above advice.

From my point of view, the best thing you can do is get yourself a social circle.
If your job does not involve interacting with people, get one that does, find nice people to work with and hang out with them outside of work.

Get a hobby! I dont mean gym, gym is great but its not sociable. Find somthing you enjoy doing like dancing, reading, watching films, cooking or whatever, and find a group of like minded people that do that and join in!

Once you've found a group of people you have stuff in common with and are seeing regularly you just have to start chatting more and make the effort to arrange to do stuff outside of the hobby/activity you picked!

friends first, then mentality/outlook. Then when thats sorted, Women.

good luck,

Cure.

 

[J. Darko]

Wow, thnx for all the replies. It's great motivation, but there are points I want to discuss though.

JDA70
I'm going to do that boorcamp, maybe over and over again just for training. But I think the problem is more complicated then confidence.

For instance, I can easily talk about a girl's ass and I do, but I don't have the feeling she really enjoys the conversation. Or, there's that popular guy that is to shy to dance with a girl that obviously likes him, so I walk up to her and say: hey he's a bit shy so you should make the first step. I connected multiple girls like that to other guys, but they were never interested in me. So I walk up to a girl and talk to them for myself, you know, but they give me short replies and are not really helping the conversation, so it's going nowhere and I say goodbye and walk away. Or I try to dance with them and I'm a horrible dancer, try it anyway so I do have the balls, but they don't enjoy it and let me go in a minute. So I never get recognition for the things I do and you guys might say you don't shouldn't need recognition, but when you never get recognition you're obvious doing something wrong. So I have the balls to keep trying, but it's getting nowhere. So confidence isn't the problem I think.

DJBilly
I know the theorie and as I have written above I don't think confidence is the problem. All this theories just don't seem to work out in reality. I would like to share our experience, because I do think that real experience in the field is the best information so we can learn from eachother and keep eachother motivated.

K. Pez
Those are some really good tips. I already thought of it myself and tried to applied it, but it's that step from knowing and talking to eachother casually to becoming friends that is hard and never takes place. A new course just started, inmediately talked to a girl, another girl even came to me after the lecture, but we didn't even start talking yet and she was aready leaving while she was the one that came to me. And I know where this is going. In the next 4 lectures we will get to know eachother a little better and then it's goodbey. To propose to meet again seems so inpropriate most of the time because in the end, we are just strangers that talked a few times...

I have tremendous problems with names as well, I always forget them, especially from the people I talk to the most. Should I just write them down or something? Maybe make a joke about it like Stuntman Mike did in Death Proof to not make it awkward? Because it sucks asking there name 3 times.

WC2
Well, it's partially true I think, I do have the balls, but I do care as well. I do give a lot of presentations for groups of people, so I dare to push my limits, I'm not even nervous but still have these black outs all the time. And like I said, I can easily bring up a girls ass in a conversation just because I feel like it, I can also sing along with a song with a horrible voice just because I want to. And when a girl is being sad or complaining or is drawing attention in some way I just say that life is hard, but a train is harder. But you know what? I have the feeling they don't like it one bit and I don't see popular guys doing stuuff like that, except the crazy ones. But they can afford to be that crazy because they are popular, they see me as crazy in the bad way, or as an annoying *******.

So nobody seems to like it if I just do and say whatever I want, I don't get any recognition for it and you might say you don't need recognition, but if nobody likes it and popular guys are not that bold either, then it can't be tha they are all wrong. I'm the one doing things wrong and that might be being to bold.

Soprano

I like your tips. I never seem to come up with these witty things. I always have to learn them from guys like you, it's a bad thing, because it has to be me who should come up with these cool stuff to say. I sometimes come up with something, like when a girl says she likes a guy, I joke around about her being married and stuff.
But, for example, when somebody tries to put me in a corner I'm stunned most of the time. Completely without words. Now that girl says it's best to just laugh and continue with what you are doing, or say things like ''maybe'' or ''ok'', but people can read that it's not my automatic response. My face inmediately tells them I'm angry when they make a joke, before I can get myself to laugh about it. It's very hard to unlearn these automatic responses, been practicing for a year now but I'm still clumsy.

About walking. It's being said I should take big steps because I appear to be wobling with my butt like a duck or something. Only that particular girl noticed it and I personally never had the feeling I was doing that. So how to unlearn that? And is walking with your chin in the air goofy? She also noticed that, to keep my head more straightforward and keep my chin a bit down and look 10 meters ahead of me to the ground. Do you turn your head a lot while walking or do you just focus on one particular spot? Do you look people in the eyes or avoid eye contact?

Music...yes, I listen a lot to hardcore house music, metal and all that harder stuff. Nobody seems t like it, except for an occasional HB [insert infinite number]. But it seems spineless to keep my taste of music hidden and listen to what other people listen to. Although I also listen to stuff like David Bowie, The Police, Toto and other well known classics. It also makes me less bitter towards women in general, because although those songs sound AFC, at least it shows love for life, not hate. The bitterness about classifying things as AFC, hating women for their bull**** trickery ab cheating, it didn't bring me any happiness.
Anyway, I guess it's best to only bring up the more regular music taste right?

Moneyisking
Yes, that's it, I'm incredibly frustrated, not even sexually, but with myself, my failure. I know what I want to be and to do, but it seems impossible to accomplish it. I'm into mediastudies right now but I'm so afraid of having a 9 to 5 job. I don't want to rot in an Office. I want excitement, adventure but where do I find such a job? The police and the army offer pretty adventurous jobs, but it's below my level of education, it seems like such a waste. Or some sort of secret agent that travels the world, but it seems like such a rediculous idea, how does anybody gets a job like a secret agent? Or maybe a journalist that travels around the world, but everybody wants that...Or some sort of artist, I've tons of ideas of making a movie and I really like playing an instrument. But it all seems so impossible. I don't know where to start, I'm afraid of getting my degree, take a job to survive and then get stuck with this boring **** till I die. To make matters worse, I have to study hard and work a lot to even survive, let alone take acting lessons or play an instrument besides that. I can't become what I want to be this way.

I have tons of ideas, crazy ideas I always wanted to do, but how? Last night I was thinking of putting on a zombie costume to pester some girls during a horror movie, but I inmediately get these voices in my head that say: you don't have the money for it, there are no cool costumes in regular shops, people will think your strange and not get the joke etc.

Cure
Well, it's as described as above. I have little time on my hands, little money so I don't know how to accomplish this.

 

[J. Darko]

Wow, thnx for all the replies. It's great motivation, but there are points I want to discuss though.

JDA70
I'm going to do that boorcamp, maybe over and over again just for training. But I think the problem is more complicated then confidence.

For instance, I can easily talk about a girl's ass and I do, but I don't have the feeling she really enjoys the conversation. Or, there's that popular guy that is to shy to dance with a girl that obviously likes him, so I walk up to her and say: hey he's a bit shy so you should make the first step. I connected multiple girls like that to other guys, but they were never interested in me. So I walk up to a girl and talk to them for myself, you know, but they give me short replies and are not really helping the conversation, so it's going nowhere and I say goodbye and walk away. Or I try to dance with them and I'm a horrible dancer, try it anyway so I do have the balls, but they don't enjoy it and let me go in a minute. So I never get recognition for the things I do and you guys might say you don't shouldn't need recognition, but when you never get recognition you're obvious doing something wrong. So I have the balls to keep trying, but it's getting nowhere. So confidence isn't the problem I think.

DJBilly
I know the theorie and as I have written above I don't think confidence is the problem. All this theories just don't seem to work out in reality. I would like to share our experience, because I do think that real experience in the field is the best information so we can learn from eachother and keep eachother motivated.

K. Pez
Those are some really good tips. I already thought of it myself and tried to applied it, but it's that step from knowing and talking to eachother casually to becoming friends that is hard and never takes place. A new course just started, inmediately talked to a girl, another girl even came to me after the lecture, but we didn't even start talking yet and she was aready leaving while she was the one that came to me. And I know where this is going. In the next 4 lectures we will get to know eachother a little better and then it's goodbey. To propose to meet again seems so inpropriate most of the time because in the end, we are just strangers that talked a few times...

I have tremendous problems with names as well, I always forget them, especially from the people I talk to the most. Should I just write them down or something? Maybe make a joke about it like Stuntman Mike did in Death Proof to not make it awkward? Because it sucks asking there name 3 times.

WC2
Well, it's partially true I think, I do have the balls, but I do care as well. I do give a lot of presentations for groups of people, so I dare to push my limits, I'm not even nervous but still have these black outs all the time. And like I said, I can easily bring up a girls ass in a conversation just because I feel like it, I can also sing along with a song with a horrible voice just because I want to. And when a girl is being sad or complaining or is drawing attention in some way I just say that life is hard, but a train is harder. But you know what? I have the feeling they don't like it one bit and I don't see popular guys doing stuuff like that, except the crazy ones. But they can afford to be that crazy because they are popular, they see me as crazy in the bad way, or as an annoying *******.

So nobody seems to like it if I just do and say whatever I want, I don't get any recognition for it and you might say you don't need recognition, but if nobody likes it and popular guys are not that bold either, then it can't be tha they are all wrong. I'm the one doing things wrong and that might be being to bold.

Soprano

I like your tips. I never seem to come up with these witty things. I always have to learn them from guys like you, it's a bad thing, because it has to be me who should come up with these cool stuff to say. I sometimes come up with something, like when a girl says she likes a guy, I joke around about her being married and stuff.
But, for example, when somebody tries to put me in a corner I'm stunned most of the time. Completely without words. Now that girl says it's best to just laugh and continue with what you are doing, or say things like ''maybe'' or ''ok'', but people can read that it's not my automatic response. My face inmediately tells them I'm angry when they make a joke, before I can get myself to laugh about it. It's very hard to unlearn these automatic responses, been practicing for a year now but I'm still clumsy.

About walking. It's being said I should take big steps because I appear to be wobling with my butt like a duck or something. Only that particular girl noticed it and I personally never had the feeling I was doing that. So how to unlearn that? And is walking with your chin in the air goofy? She also noticed that, to keep my head more straightforward and keep my chin a bit down and look 10 meters ahead of me to the ground. Do you turn your head a lot while walking or do you just focus on one particular spot? Do you look people in the eyes or avoid eye contact?

Music...yes, I listen a lot to hardcore house music, metal and all that harder stuff. Nobody seems t like it, except for an occasional HB [insert infinite number]. But it seems spineless to keep my taste of music hidden and listen to what other people listen to. Although I also listen to stuff like David Bowie, The Police, Toto and other well known classics. It also makes me less bitter towards women in general, because although those songs sound AFC, at least it shows love for life, not hate. The bitterness about classifying things as AFC, hating women for their bull**** trickery ab cheating, it didn't bring me any happiness.
Anyway, I guess it's best to only bring up the more regular music taste right?

Moneyisking
Yes, that's it, I'm incredibly frustrated, not even sexually, but with myself, my failure. I know what I want to be and to do, but it seems impossible to accomplish it. I'm into mediastudies right now but I'm so afraid of having a 9 to 5 job. I don't want to rot in an Office. I want excitement, adventure but where do I find such a job? The police and the army offer pretty adventurous jobs, but it's below my level of education, it seems like such a waste. Or some sort of secret agent that travels the world, but it seems like such a rediculous idea, how does anybody gets a job like a secret agent? Or maybe a journalist that travels around the world, but everybody wants that...Or some sort of artist, I've tons of ideas of making a movie and I really like playing an instrument. But it all seems so impossible. I don't know where to start, I'm afraid of getting my degree, take a job to survive and then get stuck with this boring **** till I die. To make matters worse, I have to study hard and work a lot to even survive, let alone take acting lessons or play an instrument besides that. I can't become what I want to be this way.

I have tons of ideas, crazy ideas I always wanted to do, but how? Last night I was thinking of putting on a zombie costume to pester some girls during a horror movie, but I inmediately get these voices in my head that say: you don't have the money for it, there are no cool costumes in regular shops, people will think your strange and not get the joke etc.

Cure
Well, it's as described as above. I have little time on my hands, little money so I don't know how to accomplish this.

 

[Soprano]

Soprano

I like your tips. I never seem to come up with these witty things. I always have to learn them from guys like you, it's a bad thing, because it has to be me who should come up with these cool stuff to say. I sometimes come up with something, like when a girl says she likes a guy, I joke around about her being married and stuff.

dude i was the exact same, never knew what to say, couldnt hold a convo, would make akward jokes surrounded by silence. but with practice (i know it sounds lame but it really works if u practice) now im the sh!t. just talk to everyone and get used to it. make small talk with cashiers working everywhere you go, their days are boring anyways. when you're at subway (subway for me, but wherever you like to eat) ask them if that sub you've never tried is good, if they sell a lot of them, what kinda sauce ppl usually get on them, etc. at the deli at the grocery store ask the guy/lady if she's tried the stuff you're interested in, get a sample. one time the hot MILF standing behind me asked if it was good and mentioned she always walks past it but never got it, i told her it was good you should try it blah blah.

i still say stupid stuff that makes me cringe sometime when i think back at how embarrassing it was. but use it to learn. you don't have to be hilarious, just good enough to hold a good convo and convey yourself without a filter of shyness and afc-ness.

About walking. It's being said I should take big steps because I appear to be wobling with my butt like a duck or something. Only that particular girl noticed it and I personally never had the feeling I was doing that. So how to unlearn that? And is walking with your chin in the air goofy? She also noticed that, to keep my head more straightforward and keep my chin a bit down and look 10 meters ahead of me to the ground. Do you turn your head a lot while walking or do you just focus on one particular spot? Do you look people in the eyes or avoid eye contact?

just walk relaxed, too relaxed. i dont really pay attention to where my head's pointing when i walk i just relax my neck and look at whatever i feel like looking at, or in the direction im going. i dont eyeball people but if i make eye contact (happens all the time, with everyone, female male) just closed-mouth smile and continue going about my business or looking at other stuff. sometimes say hey how ya doin or whatever. the key is to do it all without thinking. be ultra relaxed, look at whatever u wanna look at.

Music...yes, I listen a lot to hardcore house music, metal and all that harder stuff. Nobody seems t like it, except for an occasional HB [insert infinite number]. But it seems spineless to keep my taste of music hidden and listen to what other people listen to. Although I also listen to stuff like David Bowie, The Police, Toto and other well known classics. It also makes me less bitter towards women in general, because although those songs sound AFC, at least it shows love for life, not hate. The bitterness about classifying things as AFC, hating women for their bull**** trickery ab cheating, it didn't bring me any happiness.
Anyway, I guess it's best to only bring up the more regular music taste right?

well i didnt mean anything about bringing up music to anyone, i just meant what you listen to can affect your mindset more than you realize. when u bring up music, just say you listen to everything and/or anything thats cool (which isnt lying right? but its not getting into a long dull convo about music lol)

there's a song by Lloyd Banks called Hands Up where he's got lyrics like "i wouldnt buy a chick a pump if she had asthma" and "i aint a cuddler i fckk the drool outta bttch"...stuff like that cracks me up and it keeps me in a light mindset, plus its about a subject matter i need help with: women.

Cam'ron has a song where he says "bttches say i'm the man...i tell em nevermind" that **** cracks me up and its tru u can't get all googly when a girl compliments you

also assume all women want you. fear is paralyzing and the fear of rejection is the worst, i suffer from it too sometimes. but when a girl rejects me i just put my hand over my heart and with an over exaggerated sigh say "aah you're killin me here" and "oh well its okay i forgive you" or something like that. easy way to get over fear is to make a joke (tastefully) out of it.

 

[sosocool]

whenever you're feeling like a social loser or reject (when your negative beliefs /the little devil in you spits his venom I mean), challenge those negative voices with positive affirmations... "I am incredible with people. They love me. I know exactly what to say and how to say it." to "I can't seem to get a word out. I suck with people. No wonder they hate me." or whatever negative sh@t your telling yourself after things don't go your way. Tell your brain good things about yourself, and sooner or later, the charismatic you will be unleashed and things will naturally begin to fall into place with people, your social life I mean. The key: use "custom-made" positive affirmations only when you hear those ugly little voices inside your head.

I firmly believe that we already have everything we need to succeed within, we just need to know how to call that power within so we can naturally deal with things and people. Will take some practice though. Experience + timed positive thinking = natural success.

That's my formula for success.

good luck

 

[flint]

Honestly dude one of the things I notice is that when you're talking about how you say awkward things in convos and stuff it sounds like you're trying to be "normal" or "fit in".

I used to think like that too. But why settle for being normal? You deserve better man! If you're in a conversation and you say a joke and nobody laughs, whatever I'm a funny guy and that happens to me sometimes too. But if you're in a convo and people just don't get your sense of humor talk to someone else, you deserve to be treated better.

Don't be normal, be BETTER.

 

[J. Darko]

Soprano

Yeah I already do make small tgalk, but only if they seem nice enough. I mean, you always have these frustrated cashiers and stuff, but I do talk to them occasionally. I think you see a lot more opportunities than me in that respect, you seem to be talking to almost everyone everywhere you go. Well, it might be good practice and usually it's fun.

Music about *****es and ho's always make me feel cool, that's true. On the other hand, I also like loving women for what they are more than being frustrated with them. I guess there's a fine line between that.


Sosocool
Well I tried the positive belief stuff but it seems like it has the opposite effect, it's like by saying these positive things to myself I'm acknowledging the negative things.

Flint
Yes, is some sense I do, because there seems to be no place for people with a mindset like me. It's like what I'm doing or saying is wrong and out of place. Where's the line between being social retarded and expressing yourself? I ask myself if I'm not trying to cover up my anomalies by calling it ''confidence'', because if I stand out in relation to everyone else, than everyone else can't be wrong right?

Second, the ones who do like me a lot seem to be a bit ''weird'' even by my standards. So I'm pulling the wrong types this way.

 

[kingy]

have you had professional training in this area of your life?

 

[ENIGMA16]

I've seen a lot of tips on here about how to maintain a conversation, but what I haven't heard anyone say was to learn the art of interviewing. Seriously, get some books out on how to interview people. Then go watch a ton of episodes of Larry King (possibly one of the greatest interviewers of all time).

The benefits of this are endless. Not only will you learn to maintain and navigate a conversation successfully, but you will also learn to direct the conversation, and that direction is the ultimate goal in terms of social skills. You want to be a leader in all aspects of your life, and by learning how to interview people you will learn to lead conversations and therefore the people that you are talking with. You will naturally become a leader.


Also, what do you look like? How do you dress?

 

[Nexxus]

you are still young and it's good that you're taking steps to improve now before you look back on your life and say ''oh... I never lived my youth''. Until you're 35 you should still be looking to improve in social skills.

you're in college, it's supposed to be the time of your life, make more friends, and just ask to go out with them on every occasion you can. Quit reading forums, playing video games, watching tv, reading fiction book or whatever it is you do on weekends and go out and have a fun time.

anyways... let's see what you can do to improve in the problem areas you gave...

LACK OF SOCIAL SKILLS
quit being such a ***** and trying to fit in. When you're not sure of something, don't utter it in a shy quiet way, say it LOUD, so everyone can see that you're confident, even when you're not sure of what is going on. as i said, socialize, make friends, and go out during the weekend. walk around campus and when you see someone interesting or someone you recognize just strike up a conversation. And don't be afraid to say what's on your mind, if you overthink what you say you're always gonna sound awkward saying it.


APPEARANCE
so you're a good looking guy huh? well then maybe you should wear stuff that compliments your good looks and walk like you're a good looking guy. Keep your chin up, walk with a straight back and as if your lats are about to explode out your shoulders with confidence.
Keep going to the gym. How much money are you willing to spend? because by the looks of it, you need to buy a new wardrobe... if you're so good looking then why don't you wear clothes that show your nice body?
If I were you, I'd gather up around 1000$ and gather a few new outfits from some decent clothing shops, whatever style you like man. Just remember, when you're shopping, the people who work there can be amazing, they'll know by the way you look what size you should wear and what you'd look good in. Ask them for their advice. Also, do you clean yourself well and shave everyday? shower gel, exfoliant, face wash and a good cologne can do wonders for your skin and complexion.

dude... for social circles, just be like ''hey, we should go out one time...''
sex is overrated btw, i mean yeah it's fun, but definitely not the definition of a man. Follow your dreams, don't be the 60 year old guy looking back on his life wishing he could've changed something about it.

 

[legolas]

You've gotten a lot of good advice already but I want to point out that the reason you feel hopeless is that you haven't quite figured out what you want both right now and for later on in life. WC2 is right.

There also seem to be many things that you "should" do or that you're "supposed" to do in order to have had a "successful" youth like for example "I have to have f*cked X number of girls so I can feel like I didn't waste my youth" These are misguided notions of social programming. Do you think that the guys who have f*cked X number of chicks are better than you? or happier than you? If you want to f*ck a girl before you graduate, then just f*ck a girl, and we can help you with that, but realize why you want it and then make a conscious decision THAT you want it.

I was in your shoes at 21 but I was even more clueless. I didn't know that I was clueless. At least you've gotten to a point of frustration. Frustrations is an indicator that you've gotten to a point mentally where your life is about to change. Frustration is excellent motivation for taking massive action in your life. If there is one thing I would recommend you to do is this:

Take a blank piece of paper or a notebook - don't do this on the computer so you don't get distracted - and go to your favorite place where you can hang out and be by yourself for a few hours. Then write the following questions: What do I want to do before I graduate? What do I want to do once I graduate? What do I want with regards to women? What do I want with regards to my career?

Write down everything that comes to mind without being judgmental. Then write down the questions: What do I need from women? What do I need from my friends? What do I need from my career? Sometimes looking at wants will not discover everything so you have to look at needs. Next, write down the question WHY? Go through each answer and ask the question why? Be 100% honest with yourself. Nobody else will see this. This will help you discover the hidden motivators and assumptions that you've made till now. Write them down and analyze them.

Some of them you'll have to redefine. A personal example: recently discovered a pretty damaging assumption/equation in my life that has wreaked havoc silently by stopping me from taking action. It was very inconspicuous. Being smart = being right all the time Can you see how this might have messed me up? I'm right now working to redefine this to something more compelling and more useful. The best I've gotten so far is: Being smart = Living life by design and figuring out little hacks that make it fun rather than being at the mercy of my needs

 

[J. Darko]

Kingy

Yes, in some way. Like I said, I give a lot of presentations, not only for my study but also as a job and had a training in that. Doesn't help very much though.

JLay 87

Well I'm a young looking guy for my age, friendly face of my mother, 1.78 meters tall (or a bit short as one would say), scrawny build but added some mass so I'm about 100 Kilo now, still small though. Right now I'm out of fitting clothes, have one set of dark blue jeans, white nike's. Upperbody clothes consist of a white t-shirt with a spencer or a white or black button shirt, most of the time I wear a blue/gray striped hoodie though.

It sucks though, I was thinking about wearing leather shoes, although it might look ridiculous because I'm so young looking. Further more, I might need a more rough style, like sleeveless stuff to compensate, or will it not be appropriate for how I look? Can't make up my mind. Anyway, I was thinking of a more classic way to dress, the way older adults dress. Black/Beige trechcoat, spencer, gilet, that kind of stuff. Because it would make me more adultlike, but that might be the reason why it isn't appropriate, so your input about this would be appreciated.

I know about asking questions and stuff, but I can't seem to find the right mix of it. I don't want to literally interview her, I don't want to agree with everything but don't want to disagree either. Had a couple of times a big argument with girls because of the bull**** they say and end up fighting instead of making love. On the other hand I don't want to be a spineless ***** either. Or I would ask them lots of question and they cut off the conversation to talk with a guy that only talks a lot about himself. It's the opposite of what you read on these forums, girls seem to like a good story, they don't want to talk about themselves all the time, at least it looks like it to me.

Nexxus

It's true, I spend my time on the internet way to much. It's such waste, but it's addictive. I know what to do, but it became such a habbit. Like when I eat, I'm bored, so I turn on my computer and start reading, before I know it, I've been sitting there for 3 hours and eat again, start reading again etc. Maybe I should buy a basketball or something to keep me entertained.

Overthinking causes me problems all the time, yes, because I want to say the right thing, want to have the correct body language, I want to be aware of what I do so I can improve myself, but that awareness works against me. How do you guys reflect on yourselves without becoming obsessed with it? I'm thinking all the time: I should have said this, I should have done that...

It's not about sex per se. I think it's the same as a cheese sandwich: if you never ate one, and everybody talks about it, you want to have a cheese sandwich no matter what, even though it's not that interesting. And of course, a bit of intimacy can do something about the lonelyness, because let's face it: it's fun to do the things you love, but even more fun to do the things you love with a girl. I never experienced the latter though...

And I was thinking that because I'm not trying to fit in and have social difficulties I will never fit in. I mean, popular guys always fit in because they adept to people, they always seem to like the same stuff that everybody likes and yada yada...But not asking to meet again might be one of the biggest problems, I feel a bit desperate when asking that, but I guess I should just grab my balls and do it.

Legolas

I hope you're doing a lot better now. It's funny how you changed your believe about being smart, because I felt like a know it all at first but it's pointless indeed. I already know what I want and what I need, I just want to know how to achieve it. You know what, I'll make a short list right here.

I want to **** a lot of hot girls and end up in a long term relationship because I might only have short life, I'm aging and afraid of missing out on one of the greatest experiences in life. I need to have this experience as much as possible to get as much joy out of life as a I can. The reason why I enjoy it is because I need their love, intimacy, attention and recognition as well, for I am a human being and not designed to be lonely or to **** fat old hags.

Same goes for friends. I need them to maximize my joy through social contact and can't function optimally without. I don't need to **** them of course.

I also want a job that gives me freedom and allows me to explore and learn about the world as much as possible because these are the things I enjoy the most in my life and without it, I can't be what I want to be and do what I want to do. The question is: where do I find such a job, preferably on a academic level?

The problem with the need for freedom and exploration is that it's scarce to find in a job. And the need for attention makes me dependent. But these are fundamental parts of who I am, it can't be changed. I can have all the dun in the world, but if I'm going to sit at a desk from 9 to 5 I'm going to dy. I can also have all the fun in the world alone but I would constantly miss out on someone to share that fun, like right now. I went to the cinema, saw an awesome movie but I was surrounded by families and couples and then you realise you miss out on something. It's like having a billion dollars and encounter someone with a trillion dollars. I can be very happy when I'm alone, but I will always be hunted by the will to improve my conditions.

 

[legolas]

If you have another year left in college and want to maximize everything here's what you do. Organize a party!! Talk to people in your classes, introduce yourself and tell them that you plan to organize a party in a few weeks. Ask them to invite their friends and get their number. Do this with 6-7 guys and maybe even girls.

As far as the party, if you can do it at your place that's great, but if not, call up local clubs/bars and see if you can get access to a separate room. If not, or if you don't have the money, just show up with a bunch of people during a time when it's not busy. It would help if you had a room or if you were doing this at your place because you'll be the leader. Organize all the aspects and delegate things like music, booze, food, etc. If you can get some people to help you (ask a few of those 6-7 guys for help) do that. As you're organizing, you can talk to random girls and invite them over. Give them the address and maybe exchange numbers.

At the party, be the host and make sure everyone is having a good time. Don't get too buzzed. When you're there, talk to as many people as you can, introduce yourself, tell them you're the host and make sure they're having a great time. Find a girl or two you like, and talk to them about school, classes, music, movies, whatever. Keep it going; don't stay at one place all the time. You can now make a move on a girl you like by just getting a little physical through tickling, teasing, etc. If you plan to make out, you MUST isolate the girl. Not just for her benefit, but for your reputation too. Do this 2-3 times at random times and I guarantee you'll have more friends you can handle, maybe you will get invited to their parties, and you'l even get a rep for being a cool dude who likes to party.

Now get off your f*cking ass and do something. Stop crying "woe is me" over an internet forum.