I screwed everything up and dont know what to do...

[Von]

Good point. This kinda reminds me of those reality dating shows....like "The Bachelor",when you got all those women competing for this one man...who has all these different women to choose from.

All those women...some 7s,8s,8.5s........and they're all trying TO CONVINCE this one guy to pick them.

I saw that show,saw all those woman vying for this one man's affection...then I asked myself a question...

All these women going on and on about how much they like this guy,and how much they think that the two of them would be a good match for each other.... wonder if they'd still be gushing over him if they were sitting at a bar alone and he approached them. I think not.

I think it's situation that's causing them to gush.....not the guy. Same thing here....

It's not really that this woman is "so special" or "all that"....it's the situation. You got one vs another....one where you have a wife,kids,bills,responsibility of daily family life,versus a mistress where there's excitement (compared to family life),and freedom (cause you can come and go as you please).

Something tells me that,if these women changed places.....and it was the mistress in the daily life/wife/mother role,and the wife took the spot of the mistress,you'd think your wife was "all that" and be bored with the mistress.

And AJ84 is right.....if you left the wife and married the mistress,the situation would change....it wouldn't be all lovey dovey and all the sex you could handle...it'd be husband/wife responsibilities and duties,car payment,bills,rent,utilities,you'd get on each other's nerves at times. You couldn't just leave any time you want like you can now....you'd have to stay and work it out.

You have a inner war going on between doing what YOU KNOW is right,versus how YOU FEEL.

Well you know... All those "reality dating show" ... The guy never ends up with the girl after the show.. He doesnt survive the honey moon phase

 

[WayTooReal]

UPDATE:

She reached out to me today and we reconciled...she told me she loves me and needs me even though I am driving her crazy at times and will acquiesce to my timeframe with things to a greater degree...we had a deep chat about things and came out of it better.

So it continues for now...looking forward to hot makeup sex...

 

[Spinach]

And the noose tightens......

 

[AJ84]

UPDATE:

She reached out to me today and we reconciled...she told me she loves me and needs me even though I am driving her crazy at times and will acquiesce to my timeframe with things to a greater degree...we had a deep chat about things and came out of it better.

So it continues for now...looking forward to hot makeup sex...

All you did was rebandage a wound that won't heel. You haven't accomplished anything other than prolonging the inevitable.

You came here asking for advice, you got lots of that, but none of it is advice you want to follow is it?

Are you just fishing until you get the answer you want? Something like, 'go for it dude, play both chicks they don't have feelings or needs anyway. Your kids will be alright they can shake this off, what's important here is what you want.'

No amount of exciting sex and romance is worth breaking the hearts of and losing the respect of those closest to you.

I'm not saying you should stay with your wife but really, you are being selfish continuing this lie with both women. I'm not sure why you are even asking for advice when you clearly plan to continue lying and hurting this other woman and your wife and family.

I feel sorry for your family. They deserve a better father and husband. Some people really should not get married and have kids.

I'm being judgemental I know. But I don't care at this point. You clearly have no intention of fixing this.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

UPDATE:

She reached out to me today and we reconciled...she told me she loves me and needs me even though I am driving her crazy at times and will acquiesce to my timeframe with things to a greater degree...we had a deep chat about things and came out of it better.

So it continues for now...looking forward to hot makeup sex...

Acquiesce to your timeframe translates to...postponing the massive sh*tstorm for a few more months?

And you acknowledge that you're driving the mistress crazy (I.E. you're causing her emotional anguish), but your main concern is obtaining "makeup sex"?

Did any part of the "deep chat" with her involve admitting you have a wife?

Unfortunately I'm with AJ here, it basically sounds like you don't give a sh*t about your family at all, or the mistress either. Getting your d*ck wet is apparently above everything else.

I just feel sorry for the kids.

 

[Spaz]

UPDATE:

She reached out to me today and we reconciled...she told me she loves me and needs me even though I am driving her crazy at times and will acquiesce to my timeframe with things to a greater degree...we had a deep chat about things and came out of it better.

So it continues for now...looking forward to hot makeup sex...

1st off, congratulations!

Please continue down this path, it's absolutely the right thing to do given the circumstances.

Now, there's no need to post how great the s€x etc, we all already know what it entails.

Do post when things turn bad, and we'll then tell you; we told you so.

U r dismiss until then

 

[ohrein]

UPDATE:

She reached out to me today and we reconciled...she told me she loves me and needs me even though I am driving her crazy at times and will acquiesce to my timeframe with things to a greater degree...we had a deep chat about things and came out of it better.

So it continues for now...looking forward to hot makeup sex...

When it all blows up do you think you'll come back for more advice you ignore?

 

[Dingo]

Dude... Message me...

 

[_sideways_]

Bros...its just an internet chat room. Getting all riled up about theoretical kids

 

[WayTooReal]

Acquiesce to your timeframe translates to...postponing the massive sh*tstorm for a few more months?

And you acknowledge that you're driving the mistress crazy (I.E. you're causing her emotional anguish), but your main concern is obtaining "makeup sex"?

Did any part of the "deep chat" with her involve admitting you have a wife?

Unfortunately I'm with AJ here, it basically sounds like you don't give a sh*t about your family at all, or the mistress either. Getting your d*ck wet is apparently above everything else.

I just feel sorry for the kids.

Well now it appears to be over and done. Things seemed like we were going to reconcile...we talked it out, she asked me to come by for a fire/fee drinks out side Friday but I was out of town, offered to meet up Tuesday night when I got back...things took a bad turn Saturday when she asked if she csn just meet my family already and we talked through it more and then she accepted a timeframe we would put in place...

But apparently she didn't really accept it because I texted her today and she said i am asking her to do something she doesn't know how to do. So i guess its over. She was pretty icy about the whole thing. I guess now she is in rage/hate mode on me.

Makes me sad but i have accepted it. In an alternate universe I would be with her but it just can't be. I'm done with this...I cant do it anymore. Time to focus on family.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

You know, I honestly think this is a gold plated take-home lesson worthy of being added to the "Hall of Greatness" on here. This is a textbook case of maddened infatuation followed by ensuing reality and realisation.

In your first post only 7 days ago you put:

I am married with kids, but have been dating and have completely fell in love with another women over the past 15 months...I have never felt as loved, cared for, admired, respected and wanted as much as I have with her. She is truly the love of my life.

Bolded for emphasis.

Now, 1 week later...

Well now it appears to be over and done...she was pretty icy about the whole thing. I guess now she is in rage/hate mode on me.

Within a week this woman has gone from "the irreplaceable and utterly perfect love of my life" to "a girl I dated briefly that now probably hates me".

If that doesn't confirm to anyone infatuated with a person they're having an affair with that it's all just fleeting lust and not worth it, I don't know what would. I think people totally lose the ability to think rationally when they're having an affair - because why else would you leave your wife for a woman who can turn on you in a week over one argument?

I'm done with this...I cant do it anymore. Time to focus on family.

With regard to "I can't do it anymore"...you're not the victim here, your wife is...let's not lose sight of that. You instigated it all and you should keep that in your head before you convince yourself this was all something that was put upon you by some sort of external force.

In all honesty I think this is the best ending this story could have had, but next time might not be so rosy!

Definitely focus on your family...and maybe make some amends for falling in "love" with this woman who is now done with you one week after that original post. Because one week ago you were ready to trade it all in for her. I think you need a reality check on that.

Also I'm no relationship doctor, but I think you should find ways to reconnect with your wife and find her interesting again. Go on a holiday or something. Spend more time with her. Don't let your relationship just be banal and boring. If it is, you'll just "accidentally fall in love" with some other woman and end up f*cking everything up.

 

[WayTooReal]

You know, I honestly think this is a gold plated take-home lesson worthy of being added to the "Hall of Greatness" on here. This is a textbook case of maddened infatuation followed by ensuing reality and realisation.

In your first post only 7 days ago you put:



Bolded for emphasis.

Now, 1 week later...



Within a week this woman has gone from "the irreplaceable and utterly perfect love of my life" to "a girl I dated briefly that now probably hates me".

If that doesn't confirm to anyone infatuated with a person they're having an affair with that it's all just fleeting lust and not worth it, I don't know what would. I think people totally lose the ability to think rationally when they're having an affair - because why else would you leave your wife for a woman who can turn on you in a week over one argument?



With regard to "I can't do it anymore"...you're not the victim here, your wife is...let's not lose sight of that. You instigated it all and you should keep that in your head before you convince yourself this was all something that was put upon you by some sort of external force.

In all honesty I think this is the best ending this story could have had, but next time might not be so rosy!

Definitely focus on your family...and maybe make some amends for falling in "love" with this woman who is now done with you one week after that original post. Because one week ago you were ready to trade it all in for her. I think you need a reality check on that.

Also I'm no relationship doctor, but I think you should find ways to reconnect with your wife and find her interesting again. Go on a holiday or something. Spend more time with her. Don't let your relationship just be banal and boring. If it is, you'll just "accidentally fall in love" with some other woman and end up f*cking everything up.

Well...I mean I understand her point of view too I guess. She feels like I am hiding something deep down and she is right. She said she fell for this before and was with a guy for 5 years before she founs out he was hiding things so I guess her guard is up and she wants reassurances from me i cant provide. Its not like this is the first time this has come up...she has brought it up3 times before and each time she decided to stay with me without me having to do much to convince her. I guess its too much to ask her to have blind faith in me anymore without any actions to back it up. I think she is batrling with what her mind/instincts are telling her is true and what her heart wants. She knows she has to but she doesnt want to and she gave me several chances to make it work...but thr only thing I could do is kick the can down the road a little more. Well right now the road has come to an end, no place left to kick it. The game is up.

I mean I've met everyone in her life and she has met nobody in mine. I can see how that wears on a person after time. She thinks I'm using her and just going to drop her eventually. She wants to be part of my family and basically move forward but I can't and I guess she doesn't know how to be OK with that.

She told me that she loves me but love isnt enough, she needs more than that. I dont think she hated me, I just think she is funnelling all these bad thoughts into trying to hate me so she can make it easier to convince herself she does. Women tend to do that in these situations. In a month or two I expect she will reach out and check in to see if things can continue...I wish they could but they can't...im out of options...no more tricks up my sleeve.

And yes, I know I'm not the victim and I deserve all of the pain I'm feeling. But it just sucks right now. I'll get over it in time I am sure but I dont want to go through this anymore. Its too hard. I really do care for her a lot, even love her. I guess I should hope she finds someone who loves her as much as I do without the BS.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

And yes, I know I'm not the victim and I deserve all of the pain I'm feeling. But it just sucks right now. I'll get over it in time I am sure but I dont want to go through this anymore. Its too hard. I really do care for her a lot, even love her. I guess I should hope she finds someone who loves her as much as I do without the BS.

You don't "deserve" pain mate, I'm not wishing agony on you for cheating on your wife. It's an unfortunate situation, even if it was caused by your own hand.

What I do think you 100% need to do is slow down and take responsibility (and it sounds like you are). But you really have to slow down in particular. This should be a grave time for serious reflection for you (and some relief that you're at least out of the s**t for the immediate future). You need to sit, look at your behaviour and your current desires and work it all out - because there are reasons this affair happened, and you need to address that.

Let's look at the recent events here and analyse your behaviour so we can help you out:

1. "This side chick is the love of my life!" (A judgement that's irrational and purely emotional...never a good idea)
*Few days later*
2. "I feel really bad for cheating on my wife but I'mma get some sex with my side-chick! HAHA!" (Very unstable mindset - on one hand extreme guilt, on the other gleefully ignoring it to leap back into the big pit of s**t...)
*Few days later*
3. "Well, affair's done with. I need to be a family man." (Sudden emotional swerve leading to a decision to look after the family again, suggesting your decisions are still ruled by emotion and you're still unstable)

Those 3 events are extremely erratic, show a lot of mood swinging and flitting between different decisions over very serious matters...all within the space of a few days.

It's okay saying "I'm a family man again", but it means nothing if three days or three weeks from now you're swinging back to bulletpoint 2 above and lusting after a new woman or the old side chick again.

It's going to take months, if not years, to rebuild what this affair has jeopardised. You will struggle with the guilt for a long time too, most likely.

You can't just flick a switch and be the loyal husband and Dad again...you're going to have to do some soul-searching first, and realise that you cannot be a family man if you are still in an emotional, irrational state.

Also, irrational decision making and leaping from one mental extreme to the other like this is the same mind-set that leads to things like extreme depression and the nasty stuff that comes with it. So again - time to reflect and sort your sh*t out.

 

[Spaz]

Brother,

You must understand 1 undeniable fact; in the game of relationships, the woman is never a victim, she rarely loses in the game and when she does, it's because she took a gamble with her feminine manipulation.

In time you will come to see it more clearly.

Cheer up, you have now made a choice and the hard work now begins with your family. Work on the wife, say after a year or two of efforts and you still feel the same then it's time to consider leaving.

 

[Spinach]

And you are in a very vulnerable and therefore dangerous time. Why? Because you will be in withdrawal from your drug of choice, the excitement, the sex, the caring she provided. And to feed your habit you will do or promise anything just to get a chance of getting her back.

You will ponder, plot, and devise all sorts of excuses to initiate communication with your mistress. And if she shows any crack in her decision you will do all things possible to exploit that weakness, lie, promise, cheat, what ever it takes to get her to say yes to taking you back. Or at least seeing you.

And you will think about ways to sabotage your marriage so to make your wife the "bad guy" in this scenario. You will be non communicative with her, trying to find fault, an excuse, to justify walking away. Or better yet forcing her to walk away from you. Then you will be free to "prove" to your mistress that all the bullsh*t you have fed her was the truth. And in your mind you will live happily ever after....

And you will be full of resentment. Its not fair. Why can't I have both women. Why won't things just go back to the wonderful times we shared. We were happy. Wife was clueless, kids were fine. Its just not fair that things can't be like you want them to be.

And then, if in some way you convince your mistress to come back, panic will set in. Now what? More lies, more covering your a**, more excuses, because you really don't want a divorce. You really don't want to leave your nest, your comfort zone. And you have not clue what to do except to stall and lie. And your mistress really will hate you for using her again. Remember, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

And we will then hear from you again, in panic mode, scared, needy and wanting an out that satisfies all that cannot be satisfied. So I say to you in all honesty you need to choose as you cannot have it both ways. And when you do, don't look back. Don't ruminate about what might have been. Deal with your choice, embrace the pain, and live with the consequences. Trust me, I know of what I speak. Good luck.

 

[Dingo]

Well...I mean I understand her point of view too I guess. She feels like I am hiding something deep down and she is right. She said she fell for this before and was with a guy for 5 years before she founs out he was hiding things so I guess her guard is up and she wants reassurances from me i cant provide. Its not like this is the first time this has come up...she has brought it up3 times before and each time she decided to stay with me without me having to do much to convince her. I guess its too much to ask her to have blind faith in me anymore without any actions to back it up. I think she is batrling with what her mind/instincts are telling her is true and what her heart wants. She knows she has to but she doesnt want to and she gave me several chances to make it work...but thr only thing I could do is kick the can down the road a little more. Well right now the road has come to an end, no place left to kick it. The game is up.

I mean I've met everyone in her life and she has met nobody in mine. I can see how that wears on a person after time. She thinks I'm using her and just going to drop her eventually. She wants to be part of my family and basically move forward but I can't and I guess she doesn't know how to be OK with that.

She told me that she loves me but love isnt enough, she needs more than that. I dont think she hated me, I just think she is funnelling all these bad thoughts into trying to hate me so she can make it easier to convince herself she does. Women tend to do that in these situations. In a month or two I expect she will reach out and check in to see if things can continue...I wish they could but they can't...im out of options...no more tricks up my sleeve.

And yes, I know I'm not the victim and I deserve all of the pain I'm feeling. But it just sucks right now. I'll get over it in time I am sure but I dont want to go through this anymore. Its too hard. I really do care for her a lot, even love her. I guess I should hope she finds someone who loves her as much as I do without the BS.

I'm going through the exact same thing.

You came blame them for wanting more.

I think it is important that you know that breaking up with a mistress is different than a normal breakup... It is more difficult. Read up on it.

Sorry for what you're going through... Good luck.

 

[Dingo]

And you are in a very vulnerable and therefore dangerous time. Why? Because you will be in withdrawal from your drug of choice, the excitement, the sex, the caring she provided. And to feed your habit you will do or promise anything just to get a chance of getting her back.

You will ponder, plot, and devise all sorts of excuses to initiate communication with your mistress. And if she shows any crack in her decision you will do all things possible to exploit that weakness, lie, promise, cheat, what ever it takes to get her to say yes to taking you back. Or at least seeing you.

And you will think about ways to sabotage your marriage so to make your wife the "bad guy" in this scenario. You will be non communicative with her, trying to find fault, an excuse, to justify walking away. Or better yet forcing her to walk away from you. Then you will be free to "prove" to your mistress that all the bullsh*t you have fed her was the truth. And in your mind you will live happily ever after....

And you will be full of resentment. Its not fair. Why can't I have both women. Why won't things just go back to the wonderful times we shared. We were happy. Wife was clueless, kids were fine. Its just not fair that things can't be like you want them to be.

And then, if in some way you convince your mistress to come back, panic will set in. Now what? More lies, more covering your a**, more excuses, because you really don't want a divorce. You really don't want to leave your nest, your comfort zone. And you have not clue what to do except to stall and lie. And your mistress really will hate you for using her again. Remember, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

And we will then hear from you again, in panic mode, scared, needy and wanting an out that satisfies all that cannot be satisfied. So I say to you in all honesty you need to choose as you cannot have it both ways. And when you do, don't look back. Don't ruminate about what might have been. Deal with your choice, embrace the pain, and live with the consequences. Trust me, I know of what I speak. Good luck.

This.... Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[Visionist]

You need to possibly consider packing up your things with your family and moving to the other side of the country together, away from the mistress. It's very drastic but at this rate it's either that or divorce and everything that entails.

Does your job give you flexibility to move? Take your mother too.

 

[MrWood]

im going to tell you what I told the other guy in this situation...

take responsibility and stop acting like a woman

 

[Igetit!]

You need to possibly consider packing up your things with your family and moving to the other side of the country together, away from the mistress. It's very drastic but at this rate it's either that or divorce and everything that entails.

Does your job give you flexibility to move? Take your mother too.

Uprooting his entire family life...all for the sake of getting away from this one lowly female...who,is 100% TOTALLY INNOCENT,and did NOTHING WRONG here. In fact,all she's guilty of is believeing the words of a liar. But that's besides the point......

You DO realize....that.....this guy's problems are INTERNAL. Doesn't matter where he goes....his issues and LACK OF CHARACTER will go with him.....because it's who HE IS.

Did you happen to notice how EXCITED he got when he thought he and his mistress were bout to "reconcile" and have "hot makeup sex".......then when he found out that was over,how bummed he came across when he said,"Time to focus on family"?

Which one did he seem most joyful about......starting to be a good husband and family man.....or another "roll in the hay" with the mistress?

It is what it is. I'm curious though......

Assuming he did decide to move and take his family to the other side of the country,when he presents this sudden,OUT OF THE BLUE....out of NOWHERE suggestion to his wife and kids about uprooting her from her job,and kids from their school....to some new place they don't know or have ever been before,when he tells them this and the wife asks WHY,what would you suggests he say?