I screwed everything up and dont know what to do...

[WayTooReal]

Marriage was probably a big mistake then. But if you're happy with kids and that, then fairplay.

I find it difficult to understand how/why you've went 1.5 years without having any kind of contigency in mind for the possible scenarios on how it can play out.

Ie, she leaves --> i do this.
She wants commitment --> i do that.

Do not tell her that you're married. That's incredibly stupid. If you won't commit, let her do the dumping instead. If you're happy as things are, and she isn't, then she can end it.

Guilt isn't jack compared to having an angry embittered woman on your case.

Yeah it was...at the time everything was great and I dont want it to sound like she has done something wrong, she really hasn't done anything. She loves me, is always there for me, never disrespects me, etc but i just dont feel the same as I did when we were dating. I dont know why and it's not anything I can really pinpoint.

As terrible as it sounds I think it might be because I feel like i may have settled. But I love my kids to death and I would literally rather jump off the Grand Canyon than cause them any pain by leaving.

I'm not planning to tell her that. She has hinted that I make her wonder if there is something I'm not telling her like im married with kids or living with someone etc, but i always laugh it off well. She says that I bring out all of her I securities she has about things. She worries that something else will come up and the same thing will happen afyer my Mom dies, etc...

I mean I guess I don't really SEE any contingencies that will work, other than continuing to do what I'm doing. I've thought about divorcing but that isn't a viable option. Extremely expensive and then i lose my kids. Then she will be able to come over to the house but what about my family? They will for sure slip up and talk about my wife and kids(she doesnt think i have kids either---I learned most women don't want a guy with kids because of the issues with the ex from a bunch of friends). If we end up moving in together I'd get the kids at some point and then tell her what? Oh sorry, I lied about this, I actually have 2 kids.

I went too deep with the lies to get out of them and there are simply too many to explain away. At first this was only to obtain easy sex so I didnt care what i told her, I just did the easiest thing to get sex. Maybe one or two would have been OK as lomg as they were little, but the extent of them would certainly guarantee she left due to trust issues, especially after I have repeatedly told her there wasn't anything I havent told her. Literally the only thing I could do is hire people to pretend they are my family and rent a house out and that's ridiculous.

I guess the only thing to do is let her walk away but its really killing me to do it.

 

[ohrein]

i just dont feel the same as I did when we were dating.

Neurochemicals work this way in mating. You must actively stoke the fires.

 

[WayTooReal]

Neurochemicals work this way in mating. You must actively stoke the fires.

How? Its not like we dont have sex. I am pretty aggressive and we have rough sex but its pretty much the same and she isn't into anything "kinky". No facial blasts, no swallowing, she sucks once in a while, no anal, etc.

 

[WayTooReal]

You're experiencing a sexual high based on evolutionary responses to sexual novelty. She is not the love of your life. In fact fast forward to where you are with your with and substitute this woman and you'll be in the exact situation, except now your kids only see you on weekends. The chemicals that drive this feeling wear off eventually with whoever you're with. You didn't find the love of your life, you're in the honeymoon period.

You know there's only one option.

I honestly dont agree with this. I do love her more than i ever loved my wife, no question about it. It's the kind of love that you didn't know could exist until you've had it is the best way i can explain it. This is 15 months in, not 2 or 3 months in and we've done a lot of things together other than just have sex.

 

[ohrein]

How? Its not like we dont have sex. I am pretty aggressive and we have rough sex but its pretty much the same and she isn't into anything "kinky". No facial blasts, no swallowing, she sucks once in a while, no anal, etc.

Mating is not just sex. Sex is the goal, the neurochemical reactions are the evolutionary drive for them. When a man meets a new woman, it fires off all the attraction chemicals in huge doses resulting in the feeling of "love" or more accurately, limerance. There are a multitude of studies confirming that novelty in the sexual marketplace spikes these chemicals in males and that over time they fade, leaving people feeling like the "love" is gone.

I honestly dont agree with this. I do love her more than i ever loved my wife, no question about it. It's the kind of love that you didn't know could exist until you've had it is the best way i can explain it. This is 15 months in, not 2 or 3 months in and we've done a lot of things together.

It's not, sorry. It's dopamine, seratonin and oxytocin. I promise you if you end up with her, in years to come you will feel about this woman the way you feel about your wife now. It's a story as old as time.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-neurochemical-self/201802/the-neurochemistry-love

http://neuro.hms.harvard.edu/harvar...in-newsletter/and-brain-series/love-and-brain

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0014579307004875

 

[ohrein]

As an addition, I don't want to tell you not to do it. End of the day, you're going to do what's best for you and that's fine. But I'm just warning you that you will be in this situation again at some point. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just giving you the information I think is most pertinent. You get to decide, obviously. If you think you can manage your kids and work out a way to be with the new woman and it all working out, go for it. Just be prepared.

 

[Reykhel]

You know what to do.....

You have a family and you want to stick by them. And you have a lover and you want to be with her....

Get the lover pregnant what do you think


You've an obligation to the family but a love to the lover. Impregnate her. pump her full of your semen and lead her to believe you're going to
marry her (at least that you'll spend the rest of your life together)

delay delay delay........she'll come around. it was your love for your family that made you not able to tell her...........now it's her love that can't let you blank her....

you're a family man.......have at it with both familys

I knew someone..,.,,who had two families.....and would you believe they were sisters.......he had houses for the both families in the same
neighborhood........and they had zero problems

 

[Spaz]

I've read and can conclude that it all boils down to s€x or rather an unfulfilled one with the wife.

Seems ridiculous but it happens to the best of us.

Speaking from my experience, I would obsess over a particular plate over others for a few weeks because they moan better, enjoys anal or svcks like a champ. Then I'll get bored and want something more "real", then I get bored and move on to someone more feminine and conservative. It's a cycle.

I think this is normal for any man once they're settled down in a marriage.

My advice; work on your marriage. Don't just keep the wife at home, she'll grow old fast by keeping to the same habits. Bring her out, not to the movies, dinner or your normal activities, but bring her out to somewhere far and exciting, each new bedroom (hotel) excites a women, bang her there good, do it a few more times I'll bet she'll be primed to experience other type of kinky s€x.

 

[AJ84]

This is the kind of sh*t that can happen when married couples stop dating each other.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

You are married... and dating??

It almost reads like bigamy.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

The only advice I can give you is to be honest with your wife and the mistress. If you aren't, you're f*cked either way. You'll get eaten up by the guilt of cheating on your wife if you keep it quiet with her, and feel terrible for lying to your new "love" if you don't tell her you're married.
.

If he wants to save his family, it might be best not to confess everything [keep that for the privacy of the confessional]. What would be best is to knock the affair on the head.... there is a marriage are kids involved.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

How? Its not like we dont have sex. I am pretty aggressive and we have rough sex but its pretty much the same and she isn't into anything "kinky". No facial blasts, no swallowing, she sucks once in a while, no anal, etc.

Ok... this is your problem. Let me guess, you watch porn too right. I'd say you have an addiction problem. This means you are going to have to do some hard work on yourself to overcome this - addiction by definition is something you are powerless over... but you can overcome it. Get some counseling... you are not only fighting for your family, but for your life.

 

[jetli123]

i'd just give her time to think about it and be done with this situation...... move on dont lose everything for one piece of ass not worth it

 

[Spinach]

I am significantly older than you I suspect. And yes, I have been in a similar situation. Let me tell you what happened in my life, you draw your own conclusions. I was married for over 10 years, but unlike you, had not children to complicate the issue. I was married to a gentle, loving wife who adored me. And I was bored. So I found someone that was striking, fun, and younger. My affair lasted on and for close to 10 years. Finally decided that the mistress was the one I wanted to spend my life with, mostly because she stroked my ego, turned heads, and was wild in bed. So I divorced my first wife, who was very decent during the whole process. Within a year I was bored with the woman I had chosen.
But I was getting tremendous pressure to marry the former mistress, and regrettably succumbed to emotional blackmail and married again. Guess what, it didn't last more than a year. In the meantime my first wife remained my best friend but when asked she would not come back. Nor could I blame her.

Point of this post: as others have said, you are in love with being in love. If your current wife is faithful, a decent person, and a good mother, you would be a damn fool to leave her for the current flavor of the week. Choose wisely grasshopper. Good luck.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

How? Its not like we dont have sex. I am pretty aggressive and we have rough sex but its pretty much the same and she isn't into anything "kinky". No facial blasts, no swallowing, she sucks once in a while, no anal, etc.

Is that crap worth becoming estranged from your children? Losing your wife of who-knows-how-many years?

Throwing away a wife because you got bored with the lack of kinky anal sex is ridiculous. It may seem like it's super important after you're bored in a marriage I guess, but as an outsider it's complete insanity.

I know guys who regularly do that stuff with girls and they're totally bored of it and it's no better than the mundane missionary they were doing before.

I'm sorry, I'm going to ease back here now. I don't mean the things I've said to insult you. I'm a twenty something and it's not my right to judge you here. I just think you need to see some sense and understand the importance of what you already have with your wife.

 

[WayTooReal]

Is that crap worth becoming estranged from your children? Losing your wife of who-knows-how-many years?

Throwing away a wife because you got bored with the lack of kinky anal sex is ridiculous. It may seem like it's super important after you're bored in a marriage I guess, but as an outsider it's complete insanity.

I know guys who regularly do that stuff with girls and they're totally bored of it and it's no better than the mundane missionary they were doing before.

I'm sorry, I'm going to ease back here now. I don't mean the things I've said to insult you. I'm a twenty something and it's not my right to judge you here. I just think you need to see some sense and understand the importance of what you already have with your wife.

Honestly I dont blame you at all...it IS incredibly stupid what i have done. Its hard to really explain why...I dont know why exactly, I can only say what my best guesses are.

I would have to say this whole midlife crisis thing is real tho because these feelings didn't start until after i hit 40.

I mean the new woman isnt really into kinky stuff either but we did anal regularly. She said I'm the only one she ever did that with and she could really handle some rough anal surprisingly well. From my experiences it depends on their butthole shape. Some have the little pucker and others have kind of the wider opening.

I mean i know its dumb but I guess a person wants what he wants and it doesnt make sense sometimes.

I am significantly older than you I suspect. And yes, I have been in a similar situation. Let me tell you what happened in my life, you draw your own conclusions. I was married for over 10 years, but unlike you, had not children to complicate the issue. I was married to a gentle, loving wife who adored me. And I was bored. So I found someone that was striking, fun, and younger. My affair lasted on and for close to 10 years. Finally decided that the mistress was the one I wanted to spend my life with, mostly because she stroked my ego, turned heads, and was wild in bed. So I divorced my first wife, who was very decent during the whole process. Within a year I was bored with the woman I had chosen.
But I was getting tremendous pressure to marry the former mistress, and regrettably succumbed to emotional blackmail and married again. Guess what, it didn't last more than a year. In the meantime my first wife remained my best friend but when asked she would not come back. Nor could I blame her.

Point of this post: as others have said, you are in love with being in love. If your current wife is faithful, a decent person, and a good mother, you would be a damn fool to leave her for the current flavor of the week. Choose wisely grasshopper. Good luck.

She is all of those things. She is blameless in this whole thing other than me being bored sexually i guess which some could say is her fault but i knew she wasnt like that when i married her.

She cooks, cleans, does the house work and takes care of the kids and works part time. Not because she needs to because I make enough money where she wouldnt have to but she wants to. Life is pretty good. Only debt we have is the mortgage and I am socking $500-600 a month away in 401K, Roth IRA's and real estate investments to stay really diversified. Financially we are in good shape so its not that. She has always been the one who is great with finances, she spends very little other than on food and some activities for the kids.

She is an amazing Mom and has done a great job helping to raise our kids who are both really good kids(minus the small stuff that all kids do). She loves me, respects me, is loyal to a fault and supports me no matter what i do.

In the truest sense,she doesnt deserve any of this and she would be completely devastated if she found out. There would be no reconciliation it would be a 100% divorce

 

[Dingo]

No judgement here...

I'm married... for a long ass time... Not happily... I have had a loving mistress for about five years....

In your case it sounds like your marriage still can be salvaged.... Break up with your side woman any way you can think of doing so... Hopefully it goes smoothly.

Having to give the mistress up is the hardest thing I think you can ever go through.... it is like giving up a ****ing drug.... No buddies to talk to.... No one would understand... etc... You have to go through the break up truly alone.

Good luck... PM me if you want to discuss.

 

[AJ84]

Honestly I dont blame you at all...it IS incredibly stupid what i have done. Its hard to really explain why...I dont know why exactly, I can only say what my best guesses are.

I would have to say this whole midlife crisis thing is real tho because these feelings didn't start until after i hit 40.

I mean the new woman isnt really into kinky stuff either but we did anal regularly. She said I'm the only one she ever did that with and she could really handle some rough anal surprisingly well. From my experiences it depends on their butthole shape. Some have the little pucker and others have kind of the wider opening.

I mean i know its dumb but I guess a person wants what he wants and it doesnt make sense sometimes.



She is all of those things. She is blameless in this whole thing other than me being bored sexually i guess which some could say is her fault but i knew she wasnt like that when i married her.

She cooks, cleans, does the house work and takes care of the kids and works part time. Not because she needs to because I make enough money where she wouldnt have to but she wants to.

She is an amazing Mom and has done a great job helping to raise our kids who are both really good kids(minus the small stuff that all kids do). She loves me, respects me, is loyal to a fault and supports me no matter what i do.

In the truest sense,she doesnt deserve any of this and she would be completely devastated if she found out. There would be no reconciliation it would be a 100% divorce

Try to look at how much of the situation is what feels awesome - a mistress at your beck and call who you don't have to go though mundane life with (child rearing, bills, household chores etc),who you take on weekend holidays, who you date, who you can escape with from the boredom of your middle age/ married man life.

Sh*t, that's exciting for anyone. So ask yourself how much of this is being in love with the feeling of romance not tied to wife/kids/family/pressure/obligation?

Because if you leave your wife and go with your mistress, and even she miraculously doesn't find out you were married, the dynamic will do a 360.

Because you won't be holding all the cards at that point. It will no longer all be on your terms. It will turn into a relationship with all the ups and downs and mundane crap that all relationships have. And I bet it won't feel as good.

Really, try and unpackage this from the outside in and determine how much of this 'love' you feel is based on the current romantic situation with this woman, which will change into a typical relationship like all others if you choose her.

 

[Igetit!]

Try to look at how much of the situation is what feels awesome - a mistress at your beck and call who you don't have to go though mundane life with (child rearing, bills, household chores etc),who you take on weekend holidays, who you date, who you can escape with from the boredom of your middle age/ married man life.

Sh*t, that's exciting for anyone. So ask yourself how much of this is being in love with the feeling of romance not tied to wife/kids/family/pressure/obligation?

Because if you leave your wife and go with your mistress, and even she miraculously doesn't find out you were married, the dynamic will do a 360.

Because you won't be holding all the cards at that point. It will no longer all be on your terms. It will turn into a relationship with all the ups and downs and mundane crap that all relationships have. And I bet it won't feel as good.

Really, try and unpackage this from the outside in and determine how much of this 'love' you feel is based on the current romantic situation with this woman, which will change into a typical relationship like all others if you choose her.

Good point. This kinda reminds me of those reality dating shows....like "The Bachelor",when you got all those women competing for this one man...who has all these different women to choose from.

All those women...some 7s,8s,8.5s........and they're all trying TO CONVINCE this one guy to pick them.

I saw that show,saw all those woman vying for this one man's affection...then I asked myself a question...

All these women going on and on about how much they like this guy,and how much they think that the two of them would be a good match for each other.... wonder if they'd still be gushing over him if they were sitting at a bar alone and he approached them. I think not.

I think it's situation that's causing them to gush.....not the guy. Same thing here....

It's not really that this woman is "so special" or "all that"....it's the situation. You got one vs another....one where you have a wife,kids,bills,responsibility of daily family life,versus a mistress where there's excitement (compared to family life),and freedom (cause you can come and go as you please).

Something tells me that,if these women changed places.....and it was the mistress in the daily life/wife/mother role,and the wife took the spot of the mistress,you'd think your wife was "all that" and be bored with the mistress.

And AJ84 is right.....if you left the wife and married the mistress,the situation would change....it wouldn't be all lovey dovey and all the sex you could handle...it'd be husband/wife responsibilities and duties,car payment,bills,rent,utilities,you'd get on each other's nerves at times. You couldn't just leave any time you want like you can now....you'd have to stay and work it out.

You have a inner war going on between doing what YOU KNOW is right,versus how YOU FEEL.

 

[Spaz]

This is a worthy thread that resonates well with what's actually going on in the real practical world of relationships.

And actually deserves some good thought provoking responses too.

I think everyone that's posted something here has valid points and it mostly boils down to working things out with the wife.

I hope you do that, the alternative is basically a recycling of events with a new women/mistresses and not worth the trouble nor time spent but I suspect you know this hence this thread to just confirm what you already know or suspect.