I screwed everything up and dont know what to do...

[WayTooReal]

Ok guys, long time lurker first time poster. I'll try to keep this short but i want to get to the heart of the matter. I know a lot if people will bash me for what I am about to write based on what I've seen on these forums but i would at least hope I can get some constructive feedback.

Here is the deal. I am married with kids, but have been dating and have completely fell in love with another women over the past 15 months. She feels the same about me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together and has brought up being married and how she dreams about when she will be able to wake up next to me and we can spend more tiem together, etc...

I have never felt as loved, cared for, admired, respected and wanted as much as I have with her. She is truly the love of my life.

The problem is she doesn't know I'm married and hasn't been to my house or met anyone in my family and that is causing great stress to the point she is considering ending it even though she says she loves me still and will always love me. She says she feels like I am embarrassed of her and that I dont want anyone in my family to meet her. My Mom has been very sick and I'm helping to take care of her so I have been using this as a reason but I think this is wearing thin.

She wants to be a part of everything in my life. I've met all her friends and family and they all love me. She has two grown daughters and they love me as well.

I know this can never work because she will eventually find out the truth even if I leave my wife which I dont want to do. I still love her in some ways just not as much as I love this other women. I love my kids and can't abandon them.

I feel trapped and like no matter what I do I am going to lose. I guess I brought this on myself. At first I was just bored and wanting fun times with new women but this turned into so much more than that. We have been on weekend trips together several times and they have been awesome and amazing and have seen each other 2-3 times a week for the past year straight.

Selfishly I dont want to let go of her because I truly love her but I can't see another option. It really is killing me inside that I am the cause of this pain for her. We have had several talks about this over the past 6 months( no fights ever) and she has decided to stay with me anyway but i think this time there might be a different outcome even though I can see she doesn't really want it to happen and has told me that no matter what she decides she wants me to come back to her when this family/Mom situation is solved because she will be waiting for me. I think she has already made up her mind but doesnt want to come straight out and say it...I am giving her some space and distance to figure out what she wants to do. We talked about it and it was a hard talk to have with her.

What can I do about this? I want to be with her but I can't leave and can't afford to leave my wife and kids and dont really want to.

TLDR:
-I'm married with kids

-met the love of my life and have been dating her the past 15 months who is not my wife

-doesnt know I'm married, have been using the fact I am caring for my sick Mother as a reason she hasnt been over/met anyone in my family

-she wants to move forward with our future together and feels stuck going nowhere

-she loves me and has said no matter what she will be waiting for me even if she cant be with me right now

-has said she doesn't know what to do but I believe she has decided that she has to get out for now even though she still loves me and wants to be with me, but wants everything in my life not just me

 

[The Diver]

I know this can never work because she will eventually find out the truth even if I leave my wife which I don't want to do,,,,, I love my kids and can't abandon them.

I feel trapped and like no matter what I do I am going to lose.

Wow , what a mess.
Sorry mate don't have any constructive feedback to give you other than you'll have to end it ,sooner or later, by telling your gf the truth.

 

[lizardking82]

Ok guys, long time lurker first time poster. I'll try to keep this short but i want to get to the heart of the matter. I know a lot if people will bash me for what I am about to write based on what I've seen on these forums but i would at least hope I can get some constructive feedback.

Here is the deal. I am married with kids, but have been dating and have completely fell in love with another women over the past 15 months. She feels the same about me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together and has brought up being married and how she dreams about when she will be able to wake up next to me and we can spend more tiem together, etc...

I have never felt as loved, cared for, admired, respected and wanted as much as I have with her. She is truly the love of my life.

The problem is she doesn't know I'm married and hasn't been to my house or met anyone in my family and that is causing great stress to the point she is considering ending it even though she says she loves me still and will always love me. She says she feels like I am embarrassed of her and that I dont want anyone in my family to meet her. My Mom has been very sick and I'm helping to take care of her so I have been using this as a reason but I think this is wearing thin.

She wants to be a part of everything in my life. I've met all her friends and family and they all love me. She has two grown daughters and they love me as well.

I know this can never work because she will eventually find out the truth even if I leave my wife which I dont want to do. I still love her in some ways just not as much as I love this other women. I love my kids and can't abandon them.

I feel trapped and like no matter what I do I am going to lose. I guess I brought this on myself. At first I was just bored and wanting fun times with new women but this turned into so much more than that. We have been on weekend trips together several times and they have been awesome and amazing and have seen each other 2-3 times a week for the past year straight.

Selfishly I dont want to let go of her because I truly love her but I can't see another option. It really is killing me inside that I am the cause of this pain for her. We have had several talks about this over the past 6 months( no fights ever) and she has decided to stay with me anyway but i think this time there might be a different outcome even though I can see she doesn't really want it to happen and has told me that no matter what she decides she wants me to come back to her when this family/Mom situation is solved because she will be waiting for me. I think she has already made up her mind but doesnt want to come straight out and say it...I am giving her some space and distance to figure out what she wants to do. We talked about it and it was a hard talk to have with her.

What can I do about this? I want to be with her but I can't leave and can't afford to leave my wife and kids and dont really want to.

TLDR:
-I'm married with kids

-met the love of my life and have been dating her the past 15 months who is not my wife

-doesnt know I'm married, have been using the fact I am caring for my sick Mother as a reason she hasnt been over/met anyone in my family

-she wants to move forward with our future together and feels stuck going nowhere

-she loves me and has said no matter what she will be waiting for me even if she cant be with me right now

-has said she doesn't know what to do but I believe she has decided that she has to get out for now even though she still loves me and wants to be with me, but wants everything in my life not just me

I had a f-buddy about 5 months ago that we were bangin' quite nicely, almost on demand. After a while, I was busy with work and it faded away. She told me "no matter what, I could go at her place anytime I wanted cause she loved sex with me". Then around 15th of February, the day of my ACL surgery, she blocked me on all social media and disappeared.

They be telling you this cause that's how they feel in the moment. When she finds out she's been the second woman for 15 months and you're married...man, she gonna hate you with a passion LOL

 

[Billtx49]

You lied to two women by omission. Time to get real with at least one of them…

 

[WayTooReal]

I had a f-buddy about 5 months ago that we were bangin' quite nicely, almost on demand. After a while, I was busy with work and it faded away. She told me "no matter what, I could go at her place anytime I wanted cause she loved sex with me". Then around 15th of February, the day of my ACL surgery, she blocked me on all social media and disappeared.

They be telling you this cause that's how they feel in the moment. When she finds out she's been the second woman for 15 months and you're married...man, she gonna hate you with a passion LOL

Loving sex with someone and loving someone to the point of wanting to marry and spend the rest of your loves together are two separate things...

But i underatand the point...I cant ever let her know

 

[backseatjuan]

devorse
loose ur kids
pay child support
become a misarable bastard
finally lose this one
then drink and become homeless


u suppose to fak ***** not kiss it

 

[wifehunter]

What are great example you are for all of us!

Father of the year!

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

TLDR:
-I'm married with kids

-met the love of my life and have been dating her the past 15 months who is not my wife

-doesnt know I'm married, have been using the fact I am caring for my sick Mother as a reason she hasnt been over/met anyone in my family

-she wants to move forward with our future together and feels stuck going nowhere

-she loves me and has said no matter what she will be waiting for me even if she cant be with me right now

-has said she doesn't know what to do but I believe she has decided that she has to get out for now even though she still loves me and wants to be with me, but wants everything in my life not just me

The only advice I can give you is to be honest with your wife and the mistress. If you aren't, you're f*cked either way. You'll get eaten up by the guilt of cheating on your wife if you keep it quiet with her, and feel terrible for lying to your new "love" if you don't tell her you're married.

The best way to avoid this is to not even get in this situation in the first place. I don't want to sound like a d*ck, but if you're going to start lying to people that you claim to "love", you're going to end up in deep sh*t pretty much every single time. And the fact is, you've been lying to both women. How did you even get into this to begin with?

I've seen several threads by guys cheating on their wives and almost all of them seem to have this hypnotic fascination and "love" for the new woman. What none of them seem to realise is that this is the EXACT same infatuation you develop at the beginning of any new relationship. It's the same feeling you get when you're 17 and you're dating your first GF for the first time.

The thing is, that feeling does not last. Give it 2 years and you'll realise she's just the same as any other woman you've dated and has flaws just like you wife does. It's not worth trading the respect and love of your two kids and the loyalty and love of your wife for a year or two of infatuation with some other woman.

 

[lizardking82]

The only advice I can give you is to be honest with your wife and the mistress. If you aren't, you're f*cked either way. You'll get eaten up by the guilt of cheating on your wife if you keep it quiet with her, and feel terrible for lying to your new "love" if you don't tell her you're married.

The best way to avoid this is to not even get in this situation in the first place. I don't want to sound like a d*ck, but if you're going to start lying to people that you claim to "love", you're going to end up in deep sh*t pretty much every single time. And the fact is, you've been lying to both women. How did you even get into this to begin with?

I've seen several threads by guys cheating on their wives and almost all of them seem to have this hypnotic fascination and "love" for the new woman. What none of them seem to realise is that this is the EXACT same infatuation you develop at the beginning of any new relationship. It's the same feeling you get when you're 17 and you're dating your first GF for the first time.

The thing is, that feeling does not last. Give it 2 years and you'll realise she's just the same as any other woman you've dated and has flaws just like you wife does. It's not worth trading the respect and love of your two kids and the loyalty and love of your wife for a year or two of infatuation with some other woman.

He probably does not have much going on in his life and is just trynna fill other voids/insecurities by just living a romance with a woman. No dude in his right mind that is married and with two kids would "fall in love" with another woman and keep her as a mistress for 15 months and no smart woman would keep going for 15 months without smelling this sh1t.

 

[WayTooReal]

He probably does not have much going on in his life and is just trynna fill other voids/insecurities by just living a romance with a woman. No dude in his right mind that is married and with two kids would "fall in love" with another woman and keep her as a mistress for 15 months and no smart woman would keep going for 15 months without smelling this sh1t.

Honestly I have quite a bit going...good job, athletically muscular, take care of myself, etc...

I think it all started because I was bored sexually. I know it sounds dumb but I just wanted to bang some new p***y. I never thought it would get this far. Ended up waiting 5 dates with her.

As far as the whole "love part" I dont know how to explain it. Its nothing I've ever felt before with anyone. It has nothing to do with infatuation or anything like that. I genuinely love her in a way i have never loved anyone before and she has made me feel loved in a way I've never felt loved before.

Just because you marry someone doesn't mean you cant feel stronger about someone else. It doesnt mean that another person wouldn't have been better for you than her it means at the time you felt she was the best option you had. It would be like saying your current girlfriend is the most compatible person for you. It might be true but it might not. In fact there is a good chance it isnt true. Same thing.

My wife would prefer to chill at home and watch TV at night and not do much...I want to go have fun and do stuff but at the same time the kids need to be in bed for school etc so we are kinda stuck for a good part of the week.

That's why this hurts so much. I either lose the love of my life or I lose money, kids and a wife and then she ends up finding out sooner or later and I probably lose her too. I mean its not like my family won't slip up at some point and say something even if i tell them not to or if they found out they would probably tell her first...so I'm f@cked no matter what.

No option is good.

 

[WayTooReal]

The only advice I can give you is to be honest with your wife and the mistress. If you aren't, you're f*cked either way. You'll get eaten up by the guilt of cheating on your wife if you keep it quiet with her, and feel terrible for lying to your new "love" if you don't tell her you're married.

The best way to avoid this is to not even get in this situation in the first place. I don't want to sound like a d*ck, but if you're going to start lying to people that you claim to "love", you're going to end up in deep sh*t pretty much every single time. And the fact is, you've been lying to both women. How did you even get into this to begin with?

I've seen several threads by guys cheating on their wives and almost all of them seem to have this hypnotic fascination and "love" for the new woman. What none of them seem to realise is that this is the EXACT same infatuation you develop at the beginning of any new relationship. It's the same feeling you get when you're 17 and you're dating your first GF for the first time.

The thing is, that feeling does not last. Give it 2 years and you'll realise she's just the same as any other woman you've dated and has flaws just like you wife does. It's not worth trading the respect and love of your two kids and the loyalty and love of your wife for a year or two of infatuation with some other woman.

I mean not to sound cruel but if I didnt have kids and this situation was in front of me I would have been out of here a few months ago. And not because I dont love my wife. I honestly do. I think I just want more out of life than what she is giving me or is capabke of giving me.

I will NEVER abandon my kids like that--I would literally rather die than do that, and its not like they have noticed any changes, I've been in and out of the house for work/meetings for 13 years now. I recently stopped having as many meetings to go to but I replaced them with these dates. Im careful that i don't allow any of my feelings for her to creep in at home.

I'm affectionate to all of them and i regularly have sex with my wife, its not like things are bad on this front, again, I think I'm just bored. Maybe this is the dreaded midlife crisis that you hear about. I'm 42 years old now but I'm in good shape and get hit on semi regularly by women.

webmd.com/men/features/mens-midlife-crisis

This sounds eerily familiar. I honestly think that is what is happening. I think im not entirely happy with the life I've chosen and I want out but I can't get out so I do things to help with it but those end up hurting me more in the end because its only fleeting.

 

[dude99]

Ok guys, long time lurker first time poster. I'll try to keep this short but i want to get to the heart of the matter. I know a lot if people will bash me for what I am about to write based on what I've seen on these forums but i would at least hope I can get some constructive feedback.

Here is the deal. I am married with kids, but have been dating and have completely fell in love with another women over the past 15 months. She feels the same about me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together and has brought up being married and how she dreams about when she will be able to wake up next to me and we can spend more tiem together, etc...

I have never felt as loved, cared for, admired, respected and wanted as much as I have with her. She is truly the love of my life.

The problem is she doesn't know I'm married and hasn't been to my house or met anyone in my family and that is causing great stress to the point she is considering ending it even though she says she loves me still and will always love me. She says she feels like I am embarrassed of her and that I dont want anyone in my family to meet her. My Mom has been very sick and I'm helping to take care of her so I have been using this as a reason but I think this is wearing thin.

She wants to be a part of everything in my life. I've met all her friends and family and they all love me. She has two grown daughters and they love me as well.

I know this can never work because she will eventually find out the truth even if I leave my wife which I dont want to do. I still love her in some ways just not as much as I love this other women. I love my kids and can't abandon them.

I feel trapped and like no matter what I do I am going to lose. I guess I brought this on myself. At first I was just bored and wanting fun times with new women but this turned into so much more than that. We have been on weekend trips together several times and they have been awesome and amazing and have seen each other 2-3 times a week for the past year straight.

Selfishly I dont want to let go of her because I truly love her but I can't see another option. It really is killing me inside that I am the cause of this pain for her. We have had several talks about this over the past 6 months( no fights ever) and she has decided to stay with me anyway but i think this time there might be a different outcome even though I can see she doesn't really want it to happen and has told me that no matter what she decides she wants me to come back to her when this family/Mom situation is solved because she will be waiting for me. I think she has already made up her mind but doesnt want to come straight out and say it...I am giving her some space and distance to figure out what she wants to do. We talked about it and it was a hard talk to have with her.

What can I do about this? I want to be with her but I can't leave and can't afford to leave my wife and kids and dont really want to.

TLDR:
-I'm married with kids

-met the love of my life and have been dating her the past 15 months who is not my wife

-doesnt know I'm married, have been using the fact I am caring for my sick Mother as a reason she hasnt been over/met anyone in my family

-she wants to move forward with our future together and feels stuck going nowhere

-she loves me and has said no matter what she will be waiting for me even if she cant be with me right now

-has said she doesn't know what to do but I believe she has decided that she has to get out for now even though she still loves me and wants to be with me, but wants everything in my life not just me

Oh what a terrible web we weave when one tries to deceive.

Well divorcing your current wife will be the most expensive option and ruin your house hold and your family.

Staying with your wife will keep your family in tact unless your wife finds out about the affair.

The girlfriend will leave you when you tell her the truth.

Only option i see that will cause you the least amount of money heart ache and least amount of damage to your family is let the girlfriend walk away.

 

[fanatic22]

You’ve totally fvcked it up with the new girl with dishonesty. Permanently end things with her and move on. Then, try to address problems with your wife. If that fails, decide whether losing your kids and a sizeable portion of your paycheck forever is a worthwhile trade to find a woman you’ll be more interested in. Good luck.

 

[_sideways_]

Yup. Break it up with the gf. Just a break...2 months...or more....dont make rash decisions. Dont say anything.
Youll only hurt people now that you feel like crap.
Let the gf down easy. Be a more committed guy to home life. Just cuz ur bored doesnt mean to heck with everyone. This is your chance to not fvck up.
Most guys cheat...its whatever...but dont intentionally hurt your family.
You want your cake and pvzzy too.
Go off the radar for 2 months. Reset your inner being. You got too many emotions inside right now. Back away slowly.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Who were you when you made your wedding vows? Are you still that person? Reconnect with that younger man.

Answer this question to yourself... What is a vow? What do your children deserve?

What is the head of the household, but a leader who sacrifices for those whom he leads? You sparked a fire and you need to put it out. Get your validation not from some other woman who you are infatuated with, but rather get it from being a man of integrity who leads his family and shapes it into what he wants it to be.

 

[Barrister]

I mean not to sound cruel but if I didnt have kids and this situation was in front of me I would have been out of here a few months ago. And not because I dont love my wife. I honestly do. I think I just want more out of life than what she is giving me or is capabke of giving me.

I will NEVER abandon my kids like that--I would literally rather die than do that, and its not like they have noticed any changes, I've been in and out of the house for work/meetings for 13 years now. I recently stopped having as many meetings to go to but I replaced them with these dates. Im careful that i don't allow any of my feelings for her to creep in at home.

I'm affectionate to all of them and i regularly have sex with my wife, its not like things are bad on this front, again, I think I'm just bored. Maybe this is the dreaded midlife crisis that you hear about. I'm 42 years old now but I'm in good shape and get hit on semi regularly by women.

webmd.com/men/features/mens-midlife-crisis

This sounds eerily familiar. I honestly think that is what is happening. I think im not entirely happy with the life I've chosen and I want out but I can't get out so I do things to help with it but those end up hurting me more in the end because its only fleeting.

It sounds like you are bored to death with your wife, not just bored in general, even though you claim to love her. You wanted some excitement with this side piece and got it. And now you want to have your cake and eat it too. You're on the path to disaster. This side chick is going to make your life hell in the worst possible way if you keep this situation up.

Time to bite the bullet. If you truly love your wife, which sounds dubious to me (sounds more like you just don't want your life to be completely uprooted and that is understandable), then cut it off with the mistress immediately. If you love your wife, you will also probably need to tell her about what happened or else guilt is going to kill you. I don't envy you that whatsoever. Or, if you just want your life to stay the way it is and you don't really care about your wife then don't tell her anything. That's your choice.

However, if you're just telling yourself you love your wife when in fact you don't which is what I think when I read your posts, then I think you tell her you want a separation to see if you should stay together. Go see an attorney and file for a divorce after a few months. It's going to hurt financially, but you will be better off. Plus you can be with your mistress or whoever else then without these feelings. I hope you haven't left a money trail with your mistress during your marriage!

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

I mean not to sound cruel but if I didnt have kids and this situation was in front of me I would have been out of here a few months ago. And not because I dont love my wife. I honestly do. I think I just want more out of life than what she is giving me or is capabke of giving me.

I will NEVER abandon my kids like that--I would literally rather die than do that, and its not like they have noticed any changes, I've been in and out of the house for work/meetings for 13 years now. I recently stopped having as many meetings to go to but I replaced them with these dates. Im careful that i don't allow any of my feelings for her to creep in at home.

I'm affectionate to all of them and i regularly have sex with my wife, its not like things are bad on this front, again, I think I'm just bored. Maybe this is the dreaded midlife crisis that you hear about. I'm 42 years old now but I'm in good shape and get hit on semi regularly by women.

webmd.com/men/features/mens-midlife-crisis

This sounds eerily familiar. I honestly think that is what is happening. I think im not entirely happy with the life I've chosen and I want out but I can't get out so I do things to help with it but those end up hurting me more in the end because its only fleeting.

It doesn't sound like you're cruel, it just sounds like you've been weak willed and selfish. You made some vows, then you had kids with this woman (pretty much the biggest commitment there is), and now you've broken that bond of trust for the sake of f*cking some new woman.

It almost makes it worse that it was just boredom and your wife hasn't done anything to deserve this. "Meh, I'm bored, guess I'll just f*ck someone else."

At the end of the day, you can say you love people as much as you like, but words are meaningless when compared to actions - and your actions were to cheat on your wife, something that may not only damage that relationship, but have some very serious implications for your kids growing up too.

You're saying you'd never abandon your kids but you've already taken the first step to becoming estranged from them. So many people mess up their relationship with their kids like this.

I'm not trying to just bust your balls here but I think you really have to realise the gravity of the situation - this is not the same as just having a mid-life crisis and deciding to play in a rock band or buy a motorcycle, you have jeopardised your entire family structure here.

If there is one consolation to this whole messed up situation, it's that you may be able to save things with your wife if you explain that you are feeling trapped and unhappy. She may be able to at least understand that, if you really think hard about how to explain it.

But you need to explain it, make no mistake. And you need to think about how your desire for a quick f*ck on the side is going to have much more serious ramifications.

 

[AJ84]

I'm not going to pass judgement here because I think you got that message loud and clear, I hope lol.

Let's leave that part and look at things from your prespective and focus on where you really messed this up for yourself: by not telling the other woman that you are married and just looking to have some fun, which, according to what you posted, was your initial intention.

Now I'm not advocating cheating, but this is really where you went wrong in your cheating. If you had just been upfront from the start when you set out to fool around on the side, you could of arranged something casual and no strings with a like minded woman, perhaps herself married, and also not looking for anything more.

But you didn't do that. You met a single mother, lied to her about being single, went on weekend trips with her and ingratiated yourself into her family.

This is the perfect illustration of what not to do if a married man or woman is looking for something causal on the side.

One option (which isn't ideal) I can possibility think of where you can maybe have your cake and eat it too is to tell your wife that you are sleeping with someone else and allow her to do the same, then see where things go for both of you from there. You're not telling us much about her, but who is to say she's not bored with you either? Maybe a little something something for the wife may revitalize her and get some of her unmet needs met. I'm just speculating here.

Unless this other woman and your wife are as dumb as as a sack of potatoes, there is no way you can keep this lie going.

Regardless of what you choose, you will lose something and hurt people, so
what speed will the bandaid be torn off is what you need to decide.

Good luck.

 

[WayTooReal]

Who were you when you made your wedding vows? Are you still that person? Reconnect with that younger man.

Answer this question to yourself... What is a vow? What do your children deserve?

What is the head of the household, but a leader who sacrifices for those whom he leads? You sparked a fire and you need to put it out. Get your validation not from some other woman who you are infatuated with, but rather get it from being a man of integrity who leads his family and shapes it into what he wants it to be.

Honestly I dont know. And i think that might be part of the problem with all of this. The hardest thing to admit is that sometimes you change in ways that are counterproductive as a human being as you get older.

I dont know why I changed, but I have to some degree I know that.

 

[ohrein]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

You're experiencing a sexual high based on evolutionary responses to sexual novelty. She is not the love of your life. In fact fast forward to where you are with your with and substitute this woman and you'll be in the exact situation, except now your kids only see you on weekends. The chemicals that drive this feeling wear off eventually with whoever you're with. You didn't find the love of your life, you're in the honeymoon period.

You know there's only one option.