I question my morality.

[Luveno]

There's this girl I'm dating, for about six months. She's a nice one, good looking, a giver, but recently she's beginning to irk me.

She had been living a life of huge debt for a combination of stupid reasons and just bad luck when she was young, which is crawling up to bite her bum in a big way. Recently this has been causing her a huge amount of stress and uneasiness, and because of this she's no longer fun to be around. She's just too stressed out all the time.

Additionally, there's a problem with her living quarters and she says she needs to stay at my place until it blows over. Again, its not hugely serious and she could stay at home, but I know that it would ease her mind in a big way if she stayed here.

However, upon my suggesting how to rectify her current situations, I get emphatic resistance and stubbornness, which suggests to me that she's just one of life's many fools and that her squatting at my abode may end up being more than a temporary thing, which I do not want.

Why I question my morality is that she's never done anything wrong to me. We've never been in any stupid woman arguments or disagreements, and she does things for me that make my life easier. Just that for the past few weeks, she's no longer fun to be around. She makes me stressed out because she's so stressed out, and this carries over into my day, even when she isn't around...I feel more like a babysitter.

I kind of want to drop her, but its solely because she's an inconvenience, not because she's done anything wrong or suspicious...I feel wrong about this for some reason.

 

[Phyzzle]

Oh for God's sake, do not even think about letting someone who is permanently-down-on-her luck move into your house. That goes for friends, lovers, whatever. Tell her to go to her parents.

Yeah, you think you can let her live with you until things get annoying, then send her to her parents. I'm sure they would let her move in NOW, but what happens when you let her stay at your place for a month, she gets into a huge fight with her parents, and gets fired for smoking weed at work so she can't pay any rent and can't leave? Do you really want to be in the situation of changing your locks three months from now to keep the deadbeats out, and then getting a harsh lesson in eviction laws?

Anyhow, when it comes to dumping her, I think you're conflicted because her foul mood could be a temporary thing. You are quite possibly right. I would be reluctant to break it off because of some stressful times. I would give her more time to come around.

But I wouldn't let her move in.

Maybe she can sleep at your house, and keep everything she owns at her parents'.

 

[decades]

be careful with this one.

 

[Luveno]

Thanks for the replies.

To clear a few things up...

She does not live with her parents. She cannot stay at her current place of residence due to a problem with the residence itself which is beyond her control.
Her parents currently live in a city that is far away.

I am definitely not going to move in with her. I had made it clear from the beginning that co-habitation is not an option. All of her stuff is at her house and will stay there.

I do not consider this captain save-a-ho syndrome since I'm not trying to save her. Even though she doesn't have money, I do not pay for anything for her - she has not seen a cent from me and she never will. Furthermore, if one of my good friends who treated me well all the time needed a place to crash in the meantime, then I would be happy to oblige.

However, I'm conflicted by the fact that we are not friends but lovers, and that when it ends, and I'm sure it will eventually, I will have no reason to associate with her further.

In essence, this boils down to her being a nuisance due to her recent hard luck and excessively anxious mood. She's never wronged me and I never have to deal with any illogical woman-banter because she knows she's gone at the first sign of it.

She's just edgy, and its annoying me. I'm not sure how much longer it will last.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Luveno,
Everyone has an angel sitting on their shoulder,you feel bad about this now???Believe me if you swallow this yarn about being down on her luck you will bitterly regret it,women who push their way in are rather like a barbed arrow,pulling them out is far more painful...Poverty is often preceded by waste,you are a sensible and thrifty guy,don't let her pull you down....But if you want to continue banging her then the reason you will not let her in,is that you love her too much to take advantage of her,you want to save it for later,don't elaborate on this,just keep saying "Call me old fashioned,but I have made up my mind",or"No",don't say sorry and don't give reasons she will just wheedle and whine...Meanwhile work on right sizing this relationship,you never leave a rotten ship till you have a better one to hop onto...

 

[MikeEdward1973]

On one hand, you say she's done nothing wrong.

But on the other hand, you say that she will not listen to the common sense that will enable her to get out of the situation which is 'forcing' her to inconvenience you.

Sounds pretty wrong to me.

I'd give her a choice: pay rent to stay with you, or listen to what you have to say so that she can get her act together & eventually leave. But that's just me.

 

[penkitten]

exactly what is wrong with the residence that is beyond her control?
perhaps we can help you figure out options and solutions if you give more info.

 

[Luveno]

As for why she can't stay at her apartment, it is infested with mice, and she has a crippling fear of mice. An excessive phobia. I think it's kind of ridiculous, but as someone who has an excessive phobia of something probably even more ridiculous, I am in no place to judge.

As for her doing nothing wrong...I meant nothing wrong to me. She's made stupid life decisions but they in no way were antagonistic to me.

She has called the exterminator and they are coming tomorrow to assess the situation. I'm not sure how much longer after that they will take before they treat the place.

I just got off the phone with her. I told her she has tonight and the next night. I have work and other responsibilities and she would be too much of a distraction at my apartment. She has agreed, begrudgingly.

I can't even have sex with her because she's an anxious mess now, and that's just not sexy. Now I know how a hot girl feels when a nervous AFC approaches her.

 

[penkitten]

eww i don't like mice either, but i wouldn't be scared enough to have to stay with someone else.
the exterminator will put out poison most likely, then they have to eat it and die in the walls to stink !!
you could buy some of those glue traps, like a heck of a lot of them, line them up in a row where they seem to run around the most (like behind the dresser or by the closet or where ever) and put peanut butter on the traps.

when they run by and get stuck , they will screech and she will have to either deal with that until they die, or she can use a broom and dust pan and move two of the glue traps together and dump them.

i had a "humane trap" and put cereal in it one time, and the mouse had some sort of heart attack and died when the doors closed. how humane!
but it beat the screeching of the glue traps.

i tend to be scared of the old timey mouse traps , because i am scared i will chop my fingers off trying to set them.

 

[sodbuster]

She won't listen to good advice? Won't change her spending habits? Guess who will be paying for her in the future(if you have one). NEXT

 

[Scaramouche]

Mice....you have got to be kidding....feed them the drippings from fried fatty breakfast bacon in a little bowl,when they start eating it confidently,then melt the fat again and stir in the poison pellets....mice are too small for their corpses to stink,you leave the bait,don't touch it with your hands,until they stop feeding usually no more than a fortnight...

 

[LoneRanger]

The only reason a house has mice is because a human has created habitat and provided food for it. Intentionally or unintentionally.

How clean or sanitary is her house / apartment?

 

[Bible_Belt]

meow?

 

[jonnnb]

Luveno, youve been dating this woman for 6months. There've been no arguments, she even does stuff to make your life easier...shes ever so helpful, isnt she

Soon as she moves in, watch the help dry up and the arguments fly. Youve had a taste of her dark side, "emphatic resistance and stubbornness". Do you want "emphatic resistance and stubbornness" disturbing the peace of your house?

One other thing, has the sex been rationed in the last few weeks?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Law 10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky
You can die from someone else's misery— emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

 

[Colossus]

Letting her move in is a bad idea. You know that.

At the most you could let her sleep at your place for a brief time, but if she tries to bring more than a pair of panties and a toothbrush then you gotta put your foot down.

I would let play out with her, given that she hasnt brought anything negative into your life and actually seems to be a good addition. Dont dump her just because she is annoying you with stress...that will happen with any girl eventually.

However, DO NOT continue things with her if she turns out to be a chronic debtor. Most of us have some debt, but if she cant manage her debts now that means you or someone else will be in the future.

 

[NewMan]

This has nothing to do with morals - it's all about baggage.


whether a single mother, someone with large credit card debt, no job, bad credit - the list goes on - it's all a form of baggage.

As DJ's, we've taken care of our sh1t -

Money in the bank
nice set of wheels
Nice place to crash
Great credit
no ex issues
independence

I don't call this bad morales - I say, good judgement. Don't infect your life with unecessary baggage.

stay strong DJ.

 

[mrRuckus]

She has mice? How long could that possibly take? That doesn't seem like she's moving in. Staying for a week or two and not even bringing her stuff beyond a suitcase of clothes and toiletries is not moving in. Why are people focusing on this?

The problem is her debt. It amazes me how much people just freely spend their money. I make decent money, but i live fairly frugally. What use do i have for a $40k car or 50" HDTV? Those are novelties for a few days. I have friends who make the same as me and have these things. Meanwhile i'm the one with the big bank account and am just as happy with my Honda that i got when gas prices were $2/gal. I also usually go to the bar where drinks are $2 instead of the $6 places. I ONLY buy meat that is on sale. And it ALWAYS goes on sale! Just wait 3 days!