I played her too much - got dumped - because of this site everything i do is a trick

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... So she asked me 'are we exclusive or are you sleeping with someone else?' to this i said 'im not sleeping with anyone else, and i don't know if we are exclusive'. She pressed me for a straight answer but i woulnt give one, i just said 'i dunno' nonchalantly. She asked me if i wanted to sleep with anyone else and i said 'maybe'. I was trying to be as honest as possible....

There's your problem in black and white, you have no idea what you wanted from this woman. So in the fluff of having fun, she started considering becoming serious while you were still floating along.

Don't blame it on attempting to keep things light, that doesn't preclude you figuring out what you would want from the woman and acting appropriately. If you did, it wouldn't be necessary for her to ask for the status of the relationship, it would be readily apparent and she would act upon it. She would either go along with a FB type relationship or would state outright that she wanted a commitment. She wouldn't need to ask you how you your feelings, your actions would have made that statement.

 

[PectoralisMajor]

While its true you shouldnt normally chase after girls.....in this case she thinks your not that bothered about her, and because of that she has ALREADY cut ties with you emotionally in her head.

You've made mistakes and its up to you to get out of them without being wussy about it.

I would bet money that she DOESNT come running back on her own, as she has nothing to gain as she thinks your not into her. She will only contact you if she doesnt have many friends, as thats all she thinks you are right now - a friend.

Sure, wait a while and then call her. When the times right, explain slowly and confidendtly what I put above, and it will make her feel like she was asking for too much too soon, and she may re-evaluate the situation. it also makes you come accross as less needy without making it look like your not into her as you made it seem before.

 

[Socialreject]

Hmmm

Imho... Game is good for saying stuff you can't say outright. You can't go around telling women you want to fuk them (ok you CAN, and experiment has it that it actually works, just not a lot), so guys find ways of saying it without saying it. There are ways that work and ways that don't, which is what the game is all about...

For anything else... why would you play games? At some point you have to figure out what it is that you actually WANT. Why do you play the game? You must have a reason right?

You said you were honest with her... were you really?

When she asked you if the two of you were exclusive, what was your honest answer? Was it the one you gave? Or did you really want to be, or didn't want to be? If so you didn't give her the right answer. You've been dating her for only a month, you would have had every reason to say "i don't know you well enough yet"... or that you'd think about it.

Be it as it may, at some point you gave her the idea that you might want to be exclusive. You might have done that by acting to much like a boyfriend. Now either that's because this is what you want, or it's because you sent her the wrong idea....

And basically your conversation should have reflected that. If she jumped you out of nowhere with the question, you could have simply said just that, that it was kind of sudden and you didn't really know.

What happened here is that she pulled you into HER world... And all the lies and phony bullsh1t about how relationships and dating really work. You should have kept her in your world instead of trying to shrug it off with a bullcrap game of "i'm hard to get"... that's what you told her, but obviously you weren't convincing.

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

Social reject, i don't quite get what you are saying about her pulling me into her world. How would I go about keeping her in my world? Please could you elaborate a little?


Anyway, I think i will ring her as has been suggested. She dumped me on wednesday, tonight is friday (and I know she is out with her friends, and probably will be busy on saturday)...so i think sunday afternoon might be the best time to ring her. What do you guys think?

I think the problem is definitely that I don't know exactly what I want. I mean I have never really had a proper relationship with a girl (all others were short casual things) and so im pretty inexperienced when it comes to all this. She on the other hand I feel has had quite a lot of relationship experience. She told me that she was engaged to be married a while back, but she rethought that in favor of living a student lifestyle. Shes only 21 and she has been engaged already!

I myself, after reading sites like this feel that I want to look at all my options and not tie myself down too much, I want to get a lot of experience before i get serious about things, but I can hardly tell her that! On the other hand, I really want to keep seeing her.

 

[Vypros]

I think the problem is definitely that I don't know exactly what I want.

Until you know what it is you want, how can you ever expect to be happy?

Do yourself a favor and rid yourself of the women in your life, spend some time figuring out what you want out of life and fixing yourself, and THEN come back to the dating game.

You'll find yourself a much happier person.

 

[chuchu]

You played the game wrong, now you blaming on everything else, you are a disgrace.

Where's your Push and Pull tactics? And you don't go on telling the girl you sleep with that you are a fcking player. What's wrong with you man?

I'm not even going to explain.

Don't even think of calling her back cause you be a whiny little bi itch.

Get yourself together!

-Chuchu

 

[thickandcreamy]

You were NOT being as honest as possible. You were being wishy washy and evasive with her. Let her know up front you are dating others and qualify her. 'Are you cool enough to be one of my girls?'

So she asked me 'are we exclusive or are you sleeping with someone else?' to this i said 'im not sleeping with anyone else, and i don't know if we are exclusive'. She pressed me for a straight answer but i woulnt give one, i just said 'i dunno' nonchalantly. She asked me if i wanted to sleep with anyone else and i said 'maybe'. I was trying to be as honest as possible.

 

[Bonhomme]

This is one case where you should just be straightforward. If you really do want to be exclusive with her (which it looks like you do, at least for the time being), tell her in a confident and straight way you do, and that you were being silly and too cute, and were stupid and wrong for it.

It might be hard for her to reverse her course immediately (poeple have emotional inertia like that), but play it cool and quit playing games, and if she feels enough for you, it may be possible to right the ship.

If it's not possible, chalk it up to experience. Believe me, it sucks a lot less to learn lessons like this when you're very young.

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

thanks a lot for the replys guys. I guess I do need to man up and decide what I want and who I am.

A little development perhaps...she text me tonight, she said 'its all about the elephants! x'. This is a little joke we have about elephants and she has sent it to me before. Thing is she sent it at like 3.30am, and i know she has been out tonight. So I guess this is her way of asking me to call her?

I will ring her tomorrow afternoon I think. I was going to do it on sunday, but now she has text me I think I'll do it saturday instead...can't put this off.

You guys think thats the best way to go about it?

 

[Last Man Standing]

As I stated before - some women prefer to "legitimize" their hordoms!!! The "exclusitivity" label dissolves them of their feminine responsibility of being a woman by the mere corrupt legitimization that having a penis in them is "OK" as long as the man "says" he will only have her vagina and not have another hor!!!

The question is "Do you want to be a one-woman pimp????" I think they call it a "LTR" her!!!!

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

So I gave her a ring, I said that I was being stupid before and I want to be with her and no, I don;t want anyone else. She said she was 'a bit busy at the moment, and she will ring me tomorrow (sunday). She said she probably won't be free until next weekend. Her tone of voice was very neutral sounding, almost like nothing had happened really. I said that it was cool for her to ring me back tomorrow.

 

[DJDamage]

So I gave her a ring, I said that I was being stupid before and I want to be with her and no, I don;t want anyone else. She said she was 'a bit busy at the moment, and she will ring me tomorrow (sunday). She said she probably won't be free until next weekend. Her tone of voice was very neutral sounding, almost like nothing had happened really. I said that it was cool for her to ring me back tomorrow.

What ever happened to "MAN UP"? let me explain what you just did:

You crawled back to her on your hands and knees agreeing to her whims so she can accept you back. Let me tell you something: her interest were low before that's why she left and you lowered them even more with this action. Your indecisiveness, lack of other options and overall confusion of the game is what is killing you.

This girl has the audacity to ask you if you two are exclusive after 1 month. That is not enough time to determine if someone is suited for LTR and its not what you are looking for. A good way to infuse the situation is to say something like "stick around me longer and you will find out" and then change the subject. If this girl does not want to change the subject and keeps on pressing then red sirens should be flashing in your head telling you that this chick ain't all right. You would be then looking to sarge other women that best accomadate you instead of lowering yourself to accomadate 1 woman. Maybe you don't understand what this site is all about but when you reach a certain point you realise that if women don't meet your standerds then its best to disqualify and expell them out of your life intead of waiting until they do it to you or sacrificing your own convictions and freedom to accomadate their whims and becoming their little b1tch until they get rid of you and go out looking for a REAL MAN.

Just because she has a pvssy it doesn't mean you should kiss her ass.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

There's your problem in black and white, you have no idea what you wanted from this woman. So in the fluff of having fun, she started considering becoming serious while you were still floating along.

Don't blame it on attempting to keep things light, that doesn't preclude you figuring out what you would want from the woman and acting appropriately. If you did, it wouldn't be necessary for her to ask for the status of the relationship, it would be readily apparent and she would act upon it. She would either go along with a FB type relationship or would state outright that she wanted a commitment. She wouldn't need to ask you how you your feelings, your actions would have made that statement.

I agree. Asking if you two are an item after you've been making out and hanging out a lot together is a moot point. Your intentions will become clear if you MAKE them clear. They obviously weren't because she had to ask.

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

Holy shiit DjDamade, I mean I see exactly what you are saying, and I think I agree with you, but you know what, I'm getting a lot of guys on here saying that in this case I should be a bit more straight and not play her, this is one occasion when it is ok to chase her, so I chase her. Left to myself I probably woudn't. This whole thing is leaving me confused, but you know what, i'm learning a hell of a lot, whatever the outcome of all this.

 

[Socialreject]

You need to get your head straight about who and what you are, then this would have never been a problem in the first place. She tossed you sh1t and you ate it up and got knocked off track... that's pretty much what happened. And it most likely happened because you have feelings for her. You need to keep that kind of sh1t under control... i'm not saying you shouldn't have any feelings (obviously, not even possible), i'm saying that you should keep your head straight and not let yourself be affected by them in a way that is outside your normal behavior.

What i mean with staying in YOUR world is exactly this... stay in control of yourself and you'll stay in control of the situation.

DJdamage put it very well. In her world she probably thinks she can get away with asking (make that DEMANDING) exclusivity after only one month.

But in your world that stuff doesn't fly because you barely know her and you certainly don't know enough about her to make that kind of decision. She'll just have to do what everyone has to do when they want someone exclusively... stick around, keep it light and see if it can naturally develop into such a relationship...or not.

You entered her world the instant you accepted her reality that it's 'ok' for her to ask for something like that.

Maybe you weren't totally convinced of her reality, but you had doubts, which is enough to mess with your head and cause you to make the wrong decisions and do and say the wrong kind of things.

You have to be more steadfast in the future, more in control... basically, and then you will be able to handle stuff like this without a hitch.

You see the problem is this age old idea that when you're fuking a girl you should be fuking ONLY her. Noble concept, unfortunately since people aren't perfect and you can't expect to hit it off with the first chick you run into (or even the tenth), it's also a very inefficient concept. It's basically a waste of your precious time and doesn't work at all because it does your head in for a number of reasons that are elaborately explained elsewhere on this site.

Be it as it may, a lot of people still believe in this and think it works and even the way it SHOULD be. It's also a favorite way for women to push the subject of exclusivity and to send the punch home they weave an a little "user guilt trip" or a player stigma. Whether they do this consciously or not is irrelevant, it's what is happening, and you fell for it.

A more rational version is that when two people meet, and like each other enough, these two people will start dating each other exclusively after enough time has passed for them to develop trust and a bond with each other... provided of course they both want to be exclusive... if not it wasn't meant to be.

A girl asking you for exclusivity or even attempting to enforce it is basically an attempt to circumvent this process and proceed directly to go. Most likely for security (insecurity) reasons.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...This girl has the audacity to ask you if you two are exclusive after 1 month. That is not enough time to determine if someone is suited for LTR and its not what you are looking for.

Even so, don't forget that most guys do this if they make it past the second or third date. If a guy is unsure of his goal and ambiguous in his actions, what would expect a woman with high IL to do? At least if she wasn't interested she would drop off the edge of the Earth, not to be heard from again. Guy's need to have some idea what they want from a particular woman in order to keep the relationship (FB, LTR or whatever) on track.

 

[Obsidian]

If you really were NOT being honest with her, then that means you want her back. I'll assume for the moment that you want her back. Two easy steps:

1. Look around for other girls for 1 or 2 weeks. Flirt, be smooth, ask out if possible, etc.

2. At the end of the 1 or 2 weeks if you still want this girl back, go to her pub and seduce her again. (shouldn't be that hard from what I've read in this thread) Then don't f*ck around with her so much when she obviously wants some commitment.

 

[Hitman10000]

She probably made up her mind to dump you long before actually doing it over the phone. And relationships are supposed to be light initially. Either way, for a girl to get all serious like that so early spells doom for any relationship. I mean honestly, do your guy buddies call you up and say "Yo dude, so ...Are we friends or acquaintances?" They don't do that, DO THEY? And neither do girls with other girls. And it ain't much different when it comes to relating to girl to guy. Usually if a girl asks about the relationship status it is already teetering on the brink of breakup doom.

Don't feel bad, and another thing. Don't you ever f*cking blame SoSuave or anyone else. Don't lump me with some SOBs who give out pissant crap advice. Move on, it's over.

The problem was that she asked if we were exclusive. Now, me being me, just had to **** this one up. I have read so much on sites like this that you should keep a relationship light in the early stages and things like 'never give a woman a straight answer' etc. So she asked me 'are we exclusive or are you sleeping with someone else?' to this i said 'im not sleeping with anyone else, and i don't know if we are exclusive'. She pressed me for a straight answer but i woulnt give one, i just said 'i dunno' nonchalantly. She asked me if i wanted to sleep with anyone else and i said 'maybe'. I was trying to be as honest as possible.

Anyway, she goes home for a week and we have no communication, i guess i should have text her or something, but I have read stuff about 'dont text too much' etc, i figure i'll text or ring to arrange to meet up and other than that i don;t really see the point. So after a couple of days she says 'hey remember me?' I replied with 'of course i remember you, you are the girl that talks about elephants an awful lot! lol, hows home?' (we had a running joke about elephants, i thought it ****ey n funny) to which she replied 'is that the only reason you remember me??'

So I see her a few days later, we go out to a comedy club, have a few drinks. We go back to hers, but this time she says she is very tired (which i think was true) and she doesnt want to have sex. Then she tells me that I have really pissed her off. (Up to this point I didnt realise what I had done.)
She told me that it made her feel used that i didnt straight out say we were exclusive and when i said i didnt realise it was such a big deal and that i just wanted to keep things fun and light she said that it was like im just using her for sex and saying whatever to get in her pants.

tonight (just now) after i text her asking her out again she rung me and said it wasnt going to work, that we wanted different things. She said we were polar opposites and she said its a shame because im a really nice guy and she has a great laugh with me. I said 'will you see me again?' and she said 'yeah, as friends'. So i guess we call that LJBF eh?

The thing is, i didnt see it as using her, i really like her, i realise that she is not the perfect girl for me, and that i could never see marrying her, but i really do like her and i enjoy hanging out with her. I dont see this as using her, i dont see this as jerking her around, i was just being honest about my intentions. I know i have made many many mistakes here, but hey, its all a learning experience right?...first time i've been dumped, my first almost real relationship.

 

[Mr.Fantastic]

Ok, we are back together.

so the day after ringing her I went round to see her, we chatted, got on really well and she said it was really good to see me. We didn't really talk about relationship stuff much at all, it was like nothing had happened, but I brought it up, I said in a lighthearted way 'so..you've had enough of me then?' she said that she didn't say that, and that we were 'polar opposites'. I was like 'so..?' I said it doesn't matter if we connect on a personal level.

That was all we said really, when I left that night (she had to get up for work at 5.00am the next day, so no chance of sex) she said that I surprised her by calling. I said that i didn't think 'it's not gonna work out' was good enough.

Since then I've seen her again in a similar vein, she has had to get up real early (she is a student nurse on a work placement) so I spend some time round there and then let her sleep. She sent me a text after I had seen her last saying 'please don't get the wrong idea, I do want to have sex with you, but I'm just so tired at the moment with my job etc, I hope you understand'.

Anyway, she texts me several times a day now (like she did before) and I'm seeing her again tomorrow!

Just thought I would let you all know how it turned out. Thanks for all the advice guys.

The thing is, now I have made this commitment to her, I want to make sure that she returns this and has no intention of sleeping with other guys..I think I will start referring to her as my girlfriend.