hello i have problems which ned sorting out and since this is sal ife improvement site si fifugred u could help me. first of al i am a virgin and have also nevr kissed a girl although throughotu the years the thoruhgt of kissing girl is becoming less and less awesome nd magical in my head annd i dont lik girls as much but sitl l nat to have sex with one. i am somehwat scared of people and also hold hatred and rsentement for some prople whom i perceibe as bullies or toughguys. i dont like people who hang out with bullies or former bullies and i dont like any woman who has ever been in relationship with or had sex with a bully(and therefore rewarding theb buly). i ont like buleis who have not been punished and right now i m stil monitoring this guys myspcae hwho used to bnuilly me, and bee nttrying for monts to crtach where he is going some night and come mytself and beat hte**** through him. i do not smile much and i am self-conscious. i got kicked from my job servign customers becasue i was not smiling enough.
also i cant do anything consistenlty. i lose cdoncentration extremely easy and can not focus well, and i get pissed off and bored a lot. for example every night i play online games like cs:source. i get so pissed off and frustrated when i dont own, so i sometimes will join a server, die once, join anoher, die once, join another, die once etc. etc. one time i went like 14-0, and the only reason i did well likethat was that i was relaxing, then i died because 4 people took almost equal damage off me(no one fuly killed me), and i got very pissed off and then even more pissed off when they wouldnt admit they got lucky, and this affected my performance to the point that my score went to 15-17, in other words after that i went 1 kill 17 deaths. one time i got so frustrated i grabbed the headset and threww it against a wall, which broke one of the round things off and i had to tape it back. recently i did it again, nd now it is so ****ty i have to buy a new one.
alsok i tried to take up tennis but before hand i decided i would take my old racket, and practice a bit to get sharp before i find some club. after about 20 minutes i was grabbing the ball, smashing it against the wall(scraping and cutting my fingers in process) and even talking **** to the ball. i am sure if anyone coudl see me(it was at side of my house where no one can see me) i wold not have done this, but god i was so angry and frustrated at myself. my ball went out of my prop[erty, nad i quit the practice to go get it, throwing my racket to the ground. part of my failure at theee higns is due ot no concentration my mind being clogged up with constant violent thoughts of sensless violenc. acutally some of them arent snseless like i rememebr while i was practicing tenniss i had this imaginary gang of 3 thugs watching me and laughing, and an imaginrayr court i was in. and i came up and said what the **** are u laughing at and they vblah blah blahb lbah so i went out and smacked one in the face and the other s watched while i broke ihsi face up with head and knees, then i beat the **** trhough the others too and there was blood everywhere spilling all over spraying . i never get a opportunity liek that in real lfie, because people dont bother mocking me anymore(which is not good enough teh y sholdnt have EVER DONE IT) and when they do i bet they wil be too tall fro me to beat hte mup because of course its always hsit for me. someday im going to get bullied by some guy i cant beat, and i will end up stabbing him to death or someone else who deserves it possibly the main buly i had vbakc in high school.
i also used to box and recentrly qwuit that in boredom, frustration at being beaten up, and frustration at the trainers(i hate the pressure of authority especialy wen its up to u wether u want t o keep boxing). i quti after geting sick of this polish boxer i sparred wiht beating me up bleeding me even knocking me down once, even though i am a far harder puncher, and was capable of destorying him despite him being some sort of talentedchampion in poland(**** his titles i was stil better than him despite his gay faggot achievements), plus a lot more muscular and stronger. i was able to dominate the so-called champion easily for lik 20-30 seconds during a couple rounds with agressive presure, but then got tired and he took advantage and beat me even harder, and i could also tell i was better than the **** and more powerful, but only for my conditionsing, and i didnt want to be doing to much cardio becasue i was workin out and trtying to gert calories in ad stuff.i had a mediocre record at boxing and im never going back , the negative s out weigh the psotiives. i only took it up becasue i was insecure anyway(like everyone else who takes up combat sports) although i enjoyed it wen i did well and beat other boxers up. i would prefer to do mma ive done it b4 and u can train and spar and get better without any presure and somehow i feel less presure ther for some reason, but i dont wnat ot go because a. im so embaraesed and humiliated that i havent gotten bigger since i last was there & b. it is now in a location which i would need a car to go to it.
ive been trying to study my drivnig theory test for a year now and sitll havent even mkemorised it. i keep going then lose concentration and start getting angry and annoyed at all the gay signs and rules. also i am very skinny and unatractive , so i been suposed to be wokrign out and eating, but get angry and irritated at either overtraining badly and not being able to qork out for ages, or not overtrainign and gthen thinking that im being lazy, and i could have done more. i never feel satisfied, and whne i do feel satisfied i have done too much and gone to failure. i end up quitting which i have don several imees. i think like 'the only way i acn do it is to eat a lot and proplerly, and train a lot, but if im not training a lot and i do hte ohter, i wil justt get fat, and id prefer to be skinny then fat'.
i dont have a ny frioends so the only thign i can do is go out alone ad try pick up girls. how th e**** can i do this? this is scary and i will become even bigger loser after i fail at thjat. rite now my life is a piece of ****. i recenlty gotf off ritalin(piece` of ****) nad now i am not so depressed anymore but im still never happy never relaxed never satisdfied with anything.
also i cant do anything consistenlty. i lose cdoncentration extremely easy and can not focus well, and i get pissed off and bored a lot. for example every night i play online games like cs:source. i get so pissed off and frustrated when i dont own, so i sometimes will join a server, die once, join anoher, die once, join another, die once etc. etc. one time i went like 14-0, and the only reason i did well likethat was that i was relaxing, then i died because 4 people took almost equal damage off me(no one fuly killed me), and i got very pissed off and then even more pissed off when they wouldnt admit they got lucky, and this affected my performance to the point that my score went to 15-17, in other words after that i went 1 kill 17 deaths. one time i got so frustrated i grabbed the headset and threww it against a wall, which broke one of the round things off and i had to tape it back. recently i did it again, nd now it is so ****ty i have to buy a new one.
alsok i tried to take up tennis but before hand i decided i would take my old racket, and practice a bit to get sharp before i find some club. after about 20 minutes i was grabbing the ball, smashing it against the wall(scraping and cutting my fingers in process) and even talking **** to the ball. i am sure if anyone coudl see me(it was at side of my house where no one can see me) i wold not have done this, but god i was so angry and frustrated at myself. my ball went out of my prop[erty, nad i quit the practice to go get it, throwing my racket to the ground. part of my failure at theee higns is due ot no concentration my mind being clogged up with constant violent thoughts of sensless violenc. acutally some of them arent snseless like i rememebr while i was practicing tenniss i had this imaginary gang of 3 thugs watching me and laughing, and an imaginrayr court i was in. and i came up and said what the **** are u laughing at and they vblah blah blahb lbah so i went out and smacked one in the face and the other s watched while i broke ihsi face up with head and knees, then i beat the **** trhough the others too and there was blood everywhere spilling all over spraying . i never get a opportunity liek that in real lfie, because people dont bother mocking me anymore(which is not good enough teh y sholdnt have EVER DONE IT) and when they do i bet they wil be too tall fro me to beat hte mup because of course its always hsit for me. someday im going to get bullied by some guy i cant beat, and i will end up stabbing him to death or someone else who deserves it possibly the main buly i had vbakc in high school.
i also used to box and recentrly qwuit that in boredom, frustration at being beaten up, and frustration at the trainers(i hate the pressure of authority especialy wen its up to u wether u want t o keep boxing). i quti after geting sick of this polish boxer i sparred wiht beating me up bleeding me even knocking me down once, even though i am a far harder puncher, and was capable of destorying him despite him being some sort of talentedchampion in poland(**** his titles i was stil better than him despite his gay faggot achievements), plus a lot more muscular and stronger. i was able to dominate the so-called champion easily for lik 20-30 seconds during a couple rounds with agressive presure, but then got tired and he took advantage and beat me even harder, and i could also tell i was better than the **** and more powerful, but only for my conditionsing, and i didnt want to be doing to much cardio becasue i was workin out and trtying to gert calories in ad stuff.i had a mediocre record at boxing and im never going back , the negative s out weigh the psotiives. i only took it up becasue i was insecure anyway(like everyone else who takes up combat sports) although i enjoyed it wen i did well and beat other boxers up. i would prefer to do mma ive done it b4 and u can train and spar and get better without any presure and somehow i feel less presure ther for some reason, but i dont wnat ot go because a. im so embaraesed and humiliated that i havent gotten bigger since i last was there & b. it is now in a location which i would need a car to go to it.
ive been trying to study my drivnig theory test for a year now and sitll havent even mkemorised it. i keep going then lose concentration and start getting angry and annoyed at all the gay signs and rules. also i am very skinny and unatractive , so i been suposed to be wokrign out and eating, but get angry and irritated at either overtraining badly and not being able to qork out for ages, or not overtrainign and gthen thinking that im being lazy, and i could have done more. i never feel satisfied, and whne i do feel satisfied i have done too much and gone to failure. i end up quitting which i have don several imees. i think like 'the only way i acn do it is to eat a lot and proplerly, and train a lot, but if im not training a lot and i do hte ohter, i wil justt get fat, and id prefer to be skinny then fat'.
i dont have a ny frioends so the only thign i can do is go out alone ad try pick up girls. how th e**** can i do this? this is scary and i will become even bigger loser after i fail at thjat. rite now my life is a piece of ****. i recenlty gotf off ritalin(piece` of ****) nad now i am not so depressed anymore but im still never happy never relaxed never satisdfied with anything.
