I need some help & advice.

[cyril85]

First of all, I'm Cyril(but would rather be called just "C").

My girlfriend Chassidi and I have been together for about 4 years and are really close, and our relationship is almost perfect.

Today when she got off work, she was acting weird and very quiet, then out of no-where, asked me if I would love her no matter what happened

Of course that was the first thing that seemed weird.

She then told me that she knew this "girl" from work who is close with her boyfriend, she then goes on to tell me that this girl has a problem...

She tells me that the girl was invited to a party a month or so ago by a guy who has always liked her, and she went just to be nice, and didn't remember much about it.

Then she says that the day after the party, A friend of the guy(party host)'s calls the girl and tells her that at the party, the guy (host) slipped something in her drink and took her upstairs, and you get the picture.

She also said that this girl thinks she may be expecting from this party host.

Chas then says the girl at work wanted her to ask me how I would react if I were her boyfriend, because she hasn't told him yet.

After all of this, Chas is still acting different and quiet.

To make a long story a bit shorter, the "girl" from work ended up being my girlfriend Chassidi, and this had happened to her.

My reaction was just shock.

The problem is, I don't know how to deal with this situation, I don't know how to help my girlfriend either.

What I don't understand is that Chas & I are very open, but she never told me that she was invited to this party, she says its because I don't like her going to parties(maybe this is why?)...

But then she also keeps this from me for a month or more!

I feel like the thought of some stranger taking my girlfriend upstairs at his party/taking advantage of her will always be in the back of my mind and it's really painfull.

I'm just not sure how we can move forward from this, or how I can help her, or just what I'm suposed to do, I just feel very confused.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

--C

 

[Ulex]

Do you realize she only told you this because she may be expecting from that guy?

Also the thing in the drink is probably lie. If she lied on another things she can lie on this too.

Personally I cannot tell you to do this or that because it's a personal and painfull decision.

I can tell you that, being a 28 years-old divorced guy, after a 6 year-old "perfect" relation: it's better to stand with courage to a men's decision as early as possible, when the reds lights show up.

Ulex

 

[Desdinova]

To make a long story a bit shorter, the "girl" from work ended up being my girlfriend Chassidi, and this had happened to her.

I saw that one coming

What I don't understand is that Chas & I are very open, but she never told me that she was invited to this party,

She already knew that this guy had a thing for her and didn't want to let you know so she didn't tell you she was going.

she says its because I don't like her going to parties(maybe this is why?)...

This is a lie to cover up the fact that she accepted an invite to the party by a guy who liked her.

But then she also keeps this from me for a month or more!

She thought she could get away with it until she found out she was pregnant. She's looking for a reason for you to justify her pregnancy from this guy.

You've got one hell of a situation on your hands. She's been with you for 4 years, and she's pregnant with another guy's child. You've been cheated on and betrayed. Nobody in a LTR deserves this kind of treatment, let alone a child who isn't theirs.

If you continue a relationship with her, it's only going to go downhill more. She'll expect you to support her through a pregnancy which you had nothing to do with.

You're best off not wasting anymore time with her. She broke her trust with you. It'll never be the same.

 

[NewMan]

So, let's assume that what she told you is true. That is actually did happen.

What she now needs to do, is got to the police and charge this guy with rape. That is plain and simple since it is what happened.

Further, she needs to ensure that this guy becomes fully, financially responsible for what happened.

Now - if she is willing to go through all of this - then I would say that what she told you is true.

If she's not - then it's highly likely it's all one giant lie.

I can't tell you if that's the case.

Further, don't listen to anything she says about not wanting to drag herself through all of that. That is BS.

DO NOT be a chump and stand by her if she is unwilling to prosecute this guy. The should be THE ONLY way that you STAY.


Aside,

Having read all of this I would say that she went there willingly. She new the guy wanted her. She didn;'t tell you because she didn't want you to know. She probably drunk to much - and willingly fvcked him.

This perfect relationship fo yours is not so perfect. She's a liar. And she can spin it anyway she wants - but there is no excuse for her to go behind your back like that. It's probably not the first time.

 

[Eileen]

Whoa ... now that's a real problem.

I agree with the taking it to the police. I don't agree that she probably just got drunk and did the guy. This kind of thing does happen.

I think the only way through something like this is with professional help. Your girlfriend has a lot going on right now. She's been duped, violated, has a little person growing inside her and is at risk of losing someone she loves over this. What a nightmare for her.

I know you are hurt and confused, but buddy, this is one of those times when the right thing to do is to set your feelings aside for while and tend to her. Get her to the police, get her to some counseling, and support her through this ...

 

[cyril85]

Thanks for all the advice.

I'm going to try my best to reply to everything seperatly, I was given alot of good advice and suggestions.

Originally posted by Ulex
Do you realize she only told you this because she may be expecting from that guy?

Ulex

Ulex- The thing about her telling me about this only because she was worried about being pregnant did enter my mind as soon as she mentioned it.

Originally posted by Desdinova
I saw that one coming


She already knew that this guy had a thing for her and didn't want to let you know so she didn't tell you she was going.


This is a lie to cover up the fact that she accepted an invite to the party by a guy who liked her.


She thought she could get away with it until she found out she was pregnant. She's looking for a reason for you to justify her pregnancy from this guy.

You've got one hell of a situation on your hands. She's been with you for 4 years, and she's pregnant with another guy's child. You've been cheated on and betrayed. Nobody in a LTR deserves this kind of treatment, let alone a child who isn't theirs.

If you continue a relationship with her, it's only going to go downhill more. She'll expect you to support her through a pregnancy which you had nothing to do with.

You're best off not wasting anymore time with her. She broke her trust with you. It'll never be the same.

I agree with alot of this, and alot of it already went through my mind over and over.

I, too, seen it comming as soon as she mentioned this "girl" from work who I've never heard of before.

Another thing she said to me was "I didn't ask for this!" So I was quick to remind her that she's the one who went to the party hosted by a guy who always liked her. She then said she went just to be nice, because she's not ignorant.

I'm still hoping she isn't pregnant, but I'm not sure if it makes a huge difference or not...
-------------------------------------------------------
NewMan-I'm going to talk to her about charging this guy.

Elieen-I thought the exact same way a few times, I felt selfish and I felt like I should only be worrying about her, but her story really doesn't "add up" to me and I'm confused about alot of things, in some ways it feels like I don't know her at all.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to add a couple more things that concern me...

1-She's known to get horny when drinking, and has even flirted with one of my friends once while drinking, so that worries me(of course) and is why I never like her going to parties alone/without me, and she knew that, but decided to keep it from me and go.

2-For a whole month or more, she acted like herself 100%, I would never be able to act happy, and normal in a situation like that. It SCARES me how normal she can act in such a bad situation and for SO long, that's really scary for me because there was no possible way to ever tell that she was keeping anything from me(0r that anything was bothering her), and I could always tell.

3-And I've never even heard of this guy who apparently liked her "forever"

Again, I want to thank you all for the advice, I'm hoping to get to talk to her within a few hours, I'll keep you posted.

It's a tough situation--I can't picture life without her...

--C

 

[Slickster]

Holy crap that is a tough story man. I'm sorry.

You may be too close to this situation to see it clearly.

I also agree that your girl's story is full of holes.

1. She only brought this up because she's pregnant.

2. If she was raped/violated a month ago then she would've been acting weird before now. As soon as she found out about this she should have come to you freaking out!

3. The party's host called her and told her that he knew this guy slipped something into her drink! I highly doubt that shyt. Do you really think this guy is going to call Chas up and say "By the way you were raped at my party the other night by my buddy Joe." Unlikely.

4. The fact that she's using "a girl at work" excuse shows that she's had time to dream up this story to find out how you would react. She's lying right off the bat. I wouldn't trust another word. If she was truly drugged then raped then she has done nothing wrong. Why would she feel guilty and have to use this approach/excuse.

5. She asked "Would you love me no matter what happened?" This screams guilt! If she wasn't at fault then she wouldn't ask this.

6. "You don't like her going to parties" is her excuse for keeping it from you. Sorry but getting drugged/raped is going to override any problems you may have with her going out to parties. She's lying.

LIES, LIES, LIES!!!!!!!

She went to the party to be nice!!! Yeah right. Do not trust this woman!!!

This is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. I am deeply sorry for you Cyril. My advice to you is follow what Newman and Eileen have said. This matter has to go to the police and the Party host is going to have some explaining to do.

Good luck and

 

[Desdinova]

this is one of those times when the right thing to do is to set your feelings aside for while and tend to her.

Feelings can't be shut off. He's with a woman he doesn't know or trust anymore.

The police idea is a good 5hit test for HER. But I think there is something wrong with the story. How the hell does she know that she's not pregnant from YOU? Wouldn't she suspect that first?

If you've been using rubbers since you've been with her, she KNOWINGLY had unprotected sex with this guy, and that is why she knows it's not your kid.

She then said she went just to be nice, because she's not ignorant.

Bull5hit again. Maybe you should take some lonely girl out just to be nice.

 

[NewMan]

Yeah - the more I read this and think about it, the more I believe this is just BS.

She kept it from you for a month. Wow - some rape victim.

Also it's not likely that the guy who drugged her would tell someone.

You've got to push for charges aggressively - if she refuses then that is your answer.

She's lied to you.

She went to a party at a guy's house who wanted her....

And on top of all of this we have:

**
1-She's known to get horny when drinking, and has even flirted with one of my friends once while drinking, so that worries me(of course) and is why I never like her going to parties alone/without me, and she knew that, but decided to keep it from me and go.

2-For a whole month or more, she acted like herself 100%, I would never be able to act happy, and normal in a situation like that. It SCARES me how normal she can act in such a bad situation and for SO long, that's really scary for me because there was no possible way to ever tell that she was keeping anything from me(0r that anything was bothering her), and I could always tell.

3-And I've never even heard of this guy who apparently liked her "forever"
**

I think you know deep down inside what has happened here.

Trust your instincts.

With these lies of her's you will never be able to trust her 100% again.


***
It's a tough situation--I can't picture life without her...
***

You've come to the right place.

Better to live a life without her - than a life with a chick who lies and fvck's other guys.

 

[Slickster]

I've also been going over this one in my head some more.

A couple more things to think about.

1. What would she do if you suggested getting in the car and driving over to the Party Host's house to talk? The two of you are going to ask if he will testify against his friend in court for the charge of rape.

My guess is she won't do it cuz it didn't happen that way.

2. She claims not to remember much about the party. Hmmmm. Don't you think its weird for her to wake up in a strange bed with no recollection of how she got there? She didn't ask any questions right there?

3. If she had unprotected sex while drugged she would damn well know it. She would wake up and wonder why her crotch was all messy. Sorry for the visual.

4. Think about the fact that she's able to conjure up this story. She's able to accuse someone of rape to cover her lying, cheating ass. This is one sick person.


If I'm wrong and she's telling the truth then I'm sorry. I highly doubt it.

I hope all this makes you mad enough to treat this woman with as much respect as she's given you. NONE!!!!

I know it hurts and you are in a living hell right now but this woman doesn't deserve a single tear. She is pure evil!!!

You have found the right place Cyril. I hope you stick around. Learn to cope, respect yourself, and banish women like this from your life forever.

Good luck.

 

[stevera004]

Originally posted by Eileen
Whoa ... now that's a real problem.

.....
I think the only way through something like this is with professional help. Your girlfriend has a lot going on right now. She's been duped, violated, has a little person growing inside her and is at risk of losing someone she loves over this. What a nightmare for her.

I know you are hurt and confused, but buddy, this is one of those times when the right thing to do is to set your feelings aside for while and tend to her. Get her to the police, get her to some counseling, and support her through this ...

G0d danm Eileen if that isn't the most AFC post I have seen in months ... your 400th post no less.

Diito everyone elses advice, and hoping that dietzcoi or PR_L are in the house. *That* will set this young man straight

 

[Falcon Eye]

No such thing as a pefect relationship.

I agree with Newman; I call BS on this story of hers. The red flags are there plain and simple.

First of all she never told you that she was invited to this party by a guy that you never knew existed.

Secondly, she got her brains screwed out and kept this information from you until the pregnancy became known.

Thirdly, she openly flirts with your friend when she gets some booze in her.


If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck it's more than likely a duck. This looks like she cheated on you with every intention of getting away with it. Do you even know that this was a one time happening?

As others have said, encourage her to take this to the police and see about pressing charges. If she balks, then she's probably hiding lots. I'd have to ask myself, and her, what else is there that I don't know about.

This has to be dealt with Cyril, and you have to be prepared to cut her loose if she's proven to be a liar and cheat. Unfortunately, you could be facing a world of hurt here.

Good Luck!

 

[Aztec]

First of all, I feel your pain man. I think all of us here do. You are in a very painful situation and your mind is clouded with doubts.



I agree taking her to the authorities or confronting the host to testify is a very good BS test.



If you find it in gut feeling that her excuse is bull, I know it's difficult, but you may have to consider letting this relationship go. Then it's up to you if you want to be supportive with the steps she'll take, just be cognizant that you're romantically done with her though.

 

[Aztec]

The more I ponder about this based on the facts you presented the more I believe that she's BSing you. Therefore, she's not trustworthy.


Again I symphatize with you.

 

[dietzcoi]

Holy sh1t, this is one of the worst stories I have ever heard.

This is pure lies, pure lies!

PR-L will back me up! THis girl is a pure HO, that is all there is too it, and if you go along with her as Eileen (AFC) suggested, you will be RUINED!

At least she told you it was not your kid! Many chumps have been fooled in the past!

She has done this MANY times before and you have been the fool. THere is no doubt.

Dump her how and move on! You are lucky to have the chance to escape! You better take it or prepare to live in a prison of your own choosing!

I cannot stand it... why are men such fools?

Dietzcoi

 

[cyril85]

Well, I talked to her for a good 2+ hours last night, non stop.

First of all, I told her to tell me the entire story all over again, I wanted to see if anything would change.

The story was the same, detail for detail, and she got really upset.

I also asked why she would act so guilty, and be scared to tell me about this if she had nothing to do with it and didn't even remember anything, so what is there to be scared about?

I told her all about going to the police, she agreed to go just to ask if ANYTHING could be done, even though she had little to no proof at all.

I also talked to mike(the friend) who said that he told her that "she should get tested" and laughed ALOT about the entire situation, and told me basically the same thing Chas did. So I guess this was funny to both of them(host & friend), and I doubt he would ever admit to anyone else that he said those things to her, and me, he looked about 100 pounds and I was pretty angry

Mike was a bit hesitant to say anything, he thought we were looking for information to go and talk to someone, I think I just intimidated him, but it's very unlikely that he would go against this guy, especially since he was acting this way.

The other thing was that she NEVER acted like a victim, I know people who are effected by rape 10-20 years after it happened!! It's a HUGE deal and she never acted violated and hurt, and she never explained this.

The only thing I can do at this point, is to be here for her...

ALOT of people might disagree with that, but here are my reasons, and I don't really owe any other kind of explination...

1. I have NEVER had a reason to doubt her honesty ever in the past, she taught me how to be open and honest and she took alot of time to show me that our relationship needed to be open and honest....ironicly.

2. I have no proof that this did or did not happen, I do, however, know that she told her mom the exact same story, and could also tell it to me twice, with nothing different, and the Mike guy also said the same thing she did, without knowing what she told me.

That said, I still don't trust her and it will take a long time to ever trust her again, if I can, yet that makes me feel selfish because if this is true, do I have a reason trust her? I guess because she didn't tell me.

She said her MOM said alot of guys would react badly to a situation like this, and it scared her from telling me.

I really don't know ALL the truth in this, she tried to explain the best she could, and I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

Another thing, she said she went there with a few people from work, she said she took off her jacket, and got a drink and didn't remember much after that...

I asked her what she rememberd, she said that she woke up, in her own bed, at her own apartment, with the clothes on that she had worn to the party.

She didn't even ask anyone how she got home!!

This is stressing me out alot, one minute Im thinking one thing and the next minute its a whole other thing, and it's difficult because I also have a son to raise.

Thanks again, this is a toughie and Im trying to handle it the best way I can, and thats hard considering the facts.

 

[NewMan]

Your missing the basic point here:-

And that is she is a liar.

Re-read this:

**
she taught me how to be open and honest and she took alot of time to show me that our relationship needed to be open and honest
**

That's BS and you know it. She taught you to be opne and honest - cr#p. She used those lines to her benefit. She was selectively honest with you - and you - as an whipped AFC - believed, and continue to believe that she is open and honest.

SHE IS A LIAR.

If she is so open and honest why did she not tell you about some guy who wants her? why did she not tell you of the party? why did she not tell you about the rape?



Assume that it's true - her story - she is still a liar. She is still trying to make OTHER people happy:


**
She then said she went just to be nice, because she's not ignorant.
**

She went to be nice? give me a break. She's being ignorant of YOU. She not being NICE to YOU. She's being a LIAR to you so she can be nice to some other guy.


I'm telling you this now:

1) She NEW the guy liked her/wanted her.

2) I can guarantee there has been some flirting etc. going on between them for sometime.

3) I bet she has meet him prior to this - dinner/lunch/drinks.

4) This is not just some random date rape deal. By her actions towards him, he selected HER. It doesn't mean it's right (IF IT HAPPEND) - but if she wasn't trying to hide things from you this would never have happened.


Bottom line. You need to get the fvck out of there.

For such a so called "HONEST" woman - it's so damn easy for her to keep secrets and lie to you.


Newman out.

 

[Desdinova]

The only thing I can do at this point, is to be here for her...

You're a real sucker for punishment. You now have two people to deal with; her and her child which is the result of her cheating on you. That child will forever be a reminder of what she did.

I still stand by my belief that it WAS her fault. She put herself in a situation with a guy who had a boner for her. The worst part is she never told you about any of this. She may have had no plans to cheat on you that night, but there must have been something if she went to a party with a guy she knew liked her.

If she was truly faithful to you and committed to the relationship, she would have avoided putting herself in a situation that you wouldn't approve of.

 

[Aztec]

If you find it in your heart to be there for her, stay as friends. Be really careful because you will treading in dangerous waters. You can get suck back in because you have a very long history with her. The bottomline is you decide to keep her, she is bound to break the honesty code again and the pain is probably something MUCH MUCH harder to bare.


You are in a very tough situation here buddy. You invested a lot of time and emotion in this relationship you don't want this to happen again.

____________________________________________

2-For a whole month or more, she acted like herself 100%, I would never be able to act happy, and normal in a situation like that. It SCARES me how normal she can act in such a bad situation and for SO long, that's really scary for me because there was no possible way to ever tell that she was keeping anything from me(0r that anything was bothering her), and I could always tell.

____________________________________



Would you like to be in this feelings of uncertainty for the time you're going to spend with her if you decide to redeem this relationship?

 

[Slickster]

Dude why didn't you bring a hidden tape recorder or something and record that Party Host's confession to this crime. That is the proof you could use to nail this guy.

Have you thought about confronting the guy who did it? Maybe your girl should call him up and ask about why he drugged her. Get him to admit it and make sure you record that call.

God man if she keeps this kid it becomes a huge financial responsibility and this dude gets off free.

You have to do something!!!