I need help

[Lenni]

I’ve been a long-time lurker of this site and even after reading so many great inspirational/motivational posts, I still get in a mental rut.

Let me explain.

About 3 months ago, my ex broke up with me. It was absolutely debilitating. I mean, I have never experienced such a mental, emotional low in my life. This was a girl that I was (still AM) VERY attracted to, who I was planning on marrying and spending the rest of my life with. I’ll admit, the first year we were together (we were together for 2 and ½ years), I was a complete AFC. But the thing is I guess she was too. Leaving her notes on her car, buying her flowers, writing her poems, it made her fall madly in love with me, and me with her.

Flash forward another year and by that time, I “settled” for her in that I KNEW I wanted to spend my life with her. So, I stopped doing the sweet things that she loved. I figured, “hey, we’re planning on getting married soon. Everything’s fine. I have nothing to worry about.” Sure enough, we fought more. The thing is, the fighting never phased me-it lasted for a day or less, and the next thing you know it we were either at her house or mine making love.

That’s another thing. She was my first real girlfriend and I lost my virginity to her. Once we started getting intimate, my God, we were going at like every day. To me, she was everything I could want physically. She’s short (5ft), has a big set of boobs, a nice round butt and awesome thighs (I have a thing for thighs lol).

Whenever the weekend approaches, I get in this funk. Today’s Thursday, which used to be “our” day. She would come over and we would “watch” a movie which led into an hour long sex session.

It just hurts like a mother****er knowing that while we were still together, she dumped me and “branch swung” to another guy she had been talking to behind my back. Sure enough, after I found out, I went into extreme depression, had feelings of guilt, the “what ifs”, the “I should have said/done that more”, suicide… It was bad. I begged and cried for a week asking her to take me back. I am ashamed of even admitting that. It hurts like hell when a week after the break-up, she says, "You didn't treat me right. And I'm happy now."

I guess what I want to know is, has anyone gone through what I did, being a complete AFC to their first girlfriend (LTR) to becoming a “Don Juan” and actually being happier? I still get these feelings like, “Oh, the next girlfriend I have, I’ll treat her the way I did that won my ex’s heart in the first place…” And then I read post after post explaining the opposite, and I’m like, damn, I seriously have to change…

And also, how many of your cold approaches have turned into LTRs? I get psyched when I read about other people doing them, but then I read on and it seems like the girls they got were just another “plate” without potential for anything more…

 

[WhtRbt]

I went through pretty much the exact same thing last October. This girl and I were engaged, and we had a special connection like I've never felt with anyone else. We were together for 2 years, and we moved in together and I just sort of took her for granted. Like you said, I stopped doing the special things. Anyway she branch swung as well just like your girl.

The reason you are unhappy without her, is because you needed her to be happy yourself. Read everything at this site, and realize that you need to reach a point where you are happy by yourself. Your happiness should come from within.

Don't worry about getting into another LTR. You need to be alone. You probably don't WANT to be alone, but it is the best thing for you. You will probably be miserable for awhile. But hang in there and learn to make yourself happy.

Try the book "the emotional catering service". It really changed my life after I went through what you've just gone through.

 

[KontrollerX]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134995

There you go.

The cliff notes of squirrels brilliant post is this...

You sold the girl on the lie that you were this great awesome loving exciting guy but once she responded and "gave herself to you" so to speak and you got a relationship with her and some certainty that she wasn't going anywhere the real you emerged and that great guy she fell in love with dissapeared she got angry about it and rightfully so you fought constantly with intermittent bouts of makeup sex but then she realizing painfully that the great guy that she loved wasn't coming back or maybe in fact never existed in the first place she then made the right decision for herself and moved on.

What Rollo Tomassi teaches all of us men is that in relationships men can never rest and squirrels teaches us that as well with that post of his but more importantly he teaches us that we fail in these situations when we have not really become a great and fun guy and constantly maintain that way of being.

If its only an act on our part and not a deeply internalized part of who we are eventually when we get tired or life throws a roadblock in our path the real us is going to come out and the lady in our lives is going to wonder where the man she fell in love with went and then the problems start leading to the inevitable relationship breakup or worse getting married and throwing away money on useless marriage counseling services that never quite get to the root of the problem.

"It just hurts like a mother****er knowing that while we were still together, she dumped me and “branch swung” to another guy she had been talking to behind my back."

Use this time and all your emotion to get better rather than bitter.

Really internalize and become that great exciting guy and learn to thrive on it so that even during down periods of life you never quite lose your charismatic spark and ability to have fun.

Also hitting the gym and doing cardio and weight lifting are always advised in these situations as well as remembering to treat yourself well daily and not allow your emotional torment at this time to turn you into a pile of dog sh!t physically. Plus exercise helps unfvck everyone mentally anyway so there is that extra added bonus.

And you need to understand that from this moment even if she wants you back at some point in the future that if she really did love the real you she would have stayed with you so there is no sense rewarding her by welcoming her back into your life after you've done a tremendous amount of work on yourself while she was out getting railed by other guys enjoying herself.

Work for your future is what I'm saying basically.

She's your past.

Some guys like to go back to their past like a dog going back and eating its own vomit.

Don't be that guy.

Again be better and go for the new though hey if she does want you again at some point and you are emotionally strong enough to handle it at that point rail her once and put in the best effort and performance you ever have in your life and then never contact, call her or answer the phone when she calls you ever again.

She made her choice to break up with you in the past and rail some other guy and she will then have to live with it like every mature adult has to.

It will help you emotionally get over her in order to perform this moment of sweet revenge should she come back if you rail a ton of chicks before allowing her back in your life for that one quick final fvck session that you will not allow her to know is the very last one.

She'll just have to figure that sh!t out for herself when you don't answer your phone for her repeatedly after she wants to reminisce with you about the greatest night of sex she had in her life with you etc.

 

[Lenni]

I think that's what's making this so difficult for me. Knowing that she's with another guy probably already doing **** together. I know some people may be reading this and thinking, "Dude, be a ****ing man and go get laid." Trust me, I WANT to get into that frame of mind. It's just not easy when you've been led to believe one thing and the exact opposite turns out.

Trust me, I've been reading this site A LOT. I've read all of Pook's posts, all the guys from the "golden era" (lol)... I definitely feel better after reading them. When I'm at school, I'm becoming more of who I want to "be." For example, I'm engaging way more into conversations, guys and girls, making new friends and all, but come thursday, I get into that rut where I think, "****, we'd being doing this right now or we'd be hanging out there tonight..."

You're definitely right. SHE was what made me happy. I did become dependent on her and that's what sucks the most because you would NEVER expect this to happen. You figure, hey, she sent me the longest email yesterday explaining how deeply in love she is with me, she left a note on my car how she wants to "surprise" me tonight, she bought me lunch the other day... You think back to all those great times and what happens? You get this overwhelming guilt like damn, I had everything I wanted! How could I let this happen?!

 

[KontrollerX]

"I think that's what's making this so difficult for me. Knowing that she's with another guy probably already doing **** together."

Well it may make you feel better...probably worse lol to know or understand that she may of been doing a lot of things with this guy behind your back before finally cutting you loose.

And a lot of your make up sex with her may of been guilt motivated by her for having deepthroated her other male interest (and even more than just that probably) just a few hours before getting it on with you etc.

Not pleasant thoughts for sure but when you realize how devious these hoes can be you gradually start to understand that caring for them is a fool's game and once you understand that you then begin to feel better about things.

 

[Lenni]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134995
You sold the girl on the lie that you were this great awesome loving exciting guy but once she responded and "gave herself to you" so to speak and you got a relationship with her and some certainty that she wasn't going anywhere the real you emerged and that great guy she fell in love with dissapeared she got angry about it and rightfully so you fought constantly with intermittent bouts of makeup sex but then she realizing painfully that the great guy that she loved wasn't coming back or maybe in fact never existed in the first place she then made the right decision for herself and moved on.
...
It will help you emotionally get over her in order to perform this moment of sweet revenge should she come back if you rail a ton of chicks before allowing her back in your life for that one quick final fvck session that you will not allow her to know is the very last one.

KontrollerX responding to my post! :rockon:

You are being blunt and honest and I appreciate that. The truth is, yes, that first year, I was about as good/great as a boyfriend a girl could have. This is where it got complicated.

After the first year, I really learned of her family "situation." Look, I have no right as a person to judge anybody or their families but what I saw and heard... it would have made anybody concerned. There was one day I was picking her up and I was standing in her kitchen waiting for her to come downstairs while her father was screaming at the mom, "You ****ing ****! Look at what you're wearing you ****ing *****!..." I mean, it was unreal. It still shocks me to this day. But that's just it. The first year was our "innocence." It was nothing but having fun. So when I heard from her literally everyday how much her family was affecting her, I tried playing the "protector" role. I became so engrossed in making money and doing well in college so I could graduate and support us that I LOST WHO I WAS. I became so stressed because every thought I had was on us and the future. I realize now that that was one of the bigger mistakes I made.

So yes, Kontroller, you're right, I DID stop being the romantic guy she fell in love with. I tried being more of a "man" by trying to get her out of that situation and getting us prepared for life.

And when it comes to sex, even you are saying that I should "rail" other girls. Trust me, I WANT to. It's just getting that mind frame that I'm struggling with. The problem is I keep thinking "But that's not who I am. I don't go screwing around with a bunch of girls." Am I being a complete naive AFC or am I just being true to who I am?

 

[WC2]

The truth is that most guys who have had multiple girlfriends have experienced this. I have, most of my friends have, and as you've seen, a lot of people on sosuave have also (I believe that's half the reason a lot of dudes decided to come here).

KX pretty much covered the basics as always.

First you must understand that while you were happy, it wasn't HER that made you happy; it was your relationship and comfort with this girl that made you happy. Guys tend to fall more in love overtime with their women, while women tend to fall less in love with their men over time.

Perhaps their greedy. Perhaps it's they're god given right to go out and find what's best for them. Who knows. It doesn't matter.

The bottom line is that you're thinking right now is biased and not correct at all. It's going to take a little while to get the notion out of your mind that she's not really 'the one,' because after all there are SO many women out there. I've been with many women and I always believed I would never find another one I loved as much after breaking up and you know what?

Every girlfriend after wards I loved more.

So this nonsense about you never loving another woman the same way is completely false unless she's the goddess Aphrodite herself.

Most importantly, this should be a healing phase for you.

Yes, hurt. Feel the pain.

I don't care if you spend a whole night in your bed crying like a little baby.

Get that sh!t out.

After you've gotten all the emotional smushy stuff out, it's time to be single and rebuild yourself.

You'd be surprised that during this time while you still may feel bitter, you will feel rejuvenated. For the first time you'll feel as if you're back to the old single you who was able to live on his own perfectly.

I love this feeling.

That's why breakups are always bittersweet for me... at first you feel like crap but soon enough you start feeling a lot better than you ever have.

Please don't look to jump into another relationship right away. It's unhealthy. You need to live a single life for a little bit. Not because your friends want to see you come out with them, but because you need to rebuild that ego of yours.

It may be hard to see now, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. Get that ex out of your mind and look forward to the things coming to you in the future.

 

[RFish]

May I just add that this:

Ultimately, I do not think it is your behavior that causes this. Yes KontrollerX is right in many ways that sometimes when people put on masks, at the end of the day, when they are tired, the mask wears out. That is when true self surfaces and maybe at that point of time she decides that she can't accept it.

However I don't think it is your fault because how long can you last treating her and being so sweet to her everyday? You will get tired one day, and once you are being ever so sweet constantly, you set yourself up in a trap whereby there is a certain level of expectation from you. If you fail, then she might think that is where your true self is. There is no time limit to this, any one time you lose it, the negative you will be labeled as your true self rather than your positive side. The exception is perhaps the person truly understands you that whatever your negative side is was just a moment thing.

I think the solution to this, is really not constantly treating her so well, and giving her a thing or two only if she deserves it. That said, means you would be treating her randomly nice. That actually in a way letting her know, you stand your grounds, not accepting BS, but at the same time you can be nice.

It is all about getting used. She perhaps was way too used to you being there. This isn't a good thing.

So you are living well now and using cellphones computers. It has become part of our lives. Just like how you became hers. Have you come to appreciate cellphones and computers so much?

It is only when you lose it, then you realised how much importance of it is in your lives.

I understand your way of treating girls but may I also raise that KontrollerX once say he is with the theory of being 100% faithful to one another and being there for her etc yada yada (Ok I forgotten what those exact words),
but he did say, though that is really the ideal, you can't do it in today's world's context. Because the girls nowadays want some sort of a challenge, that is their mentality.

While being all faithful and truthful to a girl may be good. It will not work for 99% of the girl. Perhaps 1% of the girls out there who are really innocent and pure and a good girl which are really as rare.

Well, I didn't have a account but I read your post and I thought I would register for a account because what I may be offer will be of help to you in understanding more.

KontrollerX, Rollo Tomassi and some other many more posters are well experienced in this field. Follow their advise you won't go wrong really.:woo: