I need help....

[Havoc2k]

Ok, I've known this girl since I was 8, I'm now 26... and so is she. She's a month younger than me. Anyway, here is my problem:

She has a kid, which is cool with me, I adore this kid. She's with a guy, she's not happy with, but she is having troubles leaving him, because she's 'afraid' or not sure what he might do (Stalk, etc) So she's stuck. She really likes talking to me on the phone, and by really likes... I mean 1 - 2 hours, sometimes 3 hours a DAY, while he's at work, or gone fishing.

She has been giving me subtle hints that she likes me, such as "My father said I should get a boyfriend like you" and "I wish we went out before I met him" and so on... but I don't know what ot do! I've almost run out of things to say on the phone, because we talk about everything! We see each other every once and a while, but we don't do anything together, because she doesn't want to cheat on her current boyfriend.

She ALMOST split up with him two days ago, but because she did it in front of her 6 year old daughter, who doesn't know better, she begged her mom to take him back... so that didn't work.

Here are my questions... What more should I say to her? Should I just ignore the fact she has a boyfriend and ask her out? Should I bug her to break up with him? Should I just keep talking to her, till she makes up her own decision? Can you guys give me some pointers? Maybe something I should talk to her about, so that she thinks twice about the guy she is with?

Thanks a bunch! Love the site, lost my old username, so I couldnt' login to it... I'm not new here.

 

[Poll]

Ask the boyfriend how he feels about it, maybe you two can arrange something out. Maybe a duel to the death and winner gets the girl.

 

[jmm854]

A couple things.

First, if her boyfriend is also the father of her daughter, run for the hills. I got the impression that he's not the girl's father, but if so, you don't want anything to do with this situation.

Second, her daughter is 6 years old. This tells me she's probably had quite a few men come through her life since she had her kid at what, age 20? So you wouldn't be able to fool me into thinking she doesn't know how to handle herself in the current situation. If she wants to get herself outta this one, she's mature enough and capable to do so. Maybe if she's 18, 19, even 22, she'd be scared to be alone in fear she couldn't handle it. The life experience of a 26 year old woman suggests otherwise.

Her interest level in you is high. From reading what you wrote, if all the facts are in place, you will get an opportunity to be with this woman. Unless you make one fatal mistake. That being, DO NOT PRESSURE HER TO MAKE A CHANGE. If you get involved by telling her to get rid of him or anything like that, it'll severely hurt your chances. Here's why. Right now, she may be with him, but you're stuck on her mind. It seems as if she's almost ready to do make a change. But by telling her how you feel more than anything subtle, or telling her to do anything differently than how she already is, you put the baton back in her hand. Right now you may be on the outside looking in, but you in fact control your own destiny here. If she knows she's got you where she wants you her interest level will drop. Plus, we all know what women do the second pressure hits the situation, run to what's comfortable. That unfortunately, isn't you right now.

My advice. Continue to talk to her on a daily basis. If she were single I'd say to back off a bit and make her come after you but she's not, so remaining a daily fixture in her life is key. However, do not talk to her about getting together at all. And definitely do not talk to her about her boyfriend or their relationship. We have enough Dr. Phil's in the world let her see a shrink if she needs someone to talk it all out with. Or her mom. But not you. Try setting some in person dates up with her, but do not call it a date. You're just hangin remember. She's taken. Eventually you'll get your in when she decides to leave him or you'll get all the signs in place to make a move on her. If neither happens she's a bullsh*tter that was only looking for a girlfriend.

I think you got it in the bag to be honest but yeah avoid any talk of a relationship between you two and if she brings the idea up change the subject.

 

[Havoc2k]

@jmm854: Great advice man, I really appreciate it. And you're right, he's not the kids father, I would never do anything to split up a father with his own kid. As for what you said about her not knowing how to get out of the situation, you're right. She's been in 3 relationships since her kids father, she broke up with him... and those other two guys... this guy she has barely been with a year, and is having a tougher time? You're right... it doesn't add up.

Is it possible she's playing the "helpless girl" game, so I 'rescue' her? If so, you're suggestion I just change the subject when she brings him up. She tells me all the stupid things he does, and whatever... but one of her excuses for not being able to break it off is "He has no where to live, he might get back on drugs (he was on drugs before he met her)" And she thinks that her leaving him, that his life will go downhill from where she has been able to get it to so far.

But from your advise, what I'll do is keep talking to her... keep making her laugh... take her out for drinks, lunch, and stuff like that... and keep our conversations about us, her kid, life, and NOT her boyfriend. I appreciate your adivse.

I do have one more question, however.... She asked me on Sunday, "I have my kid with me... 'blah blah blah' What would you like to do today? He's gone Fishing.... anything that doesn't involve sitting down" It being minus 30 out right now (Canada) I had nothing to suggest, that could include the kid... eventually we decided on nothing, and her boyfriend called her to pick him up... and we did nothing. I don't want her to get bored, any ideas on what I could do? Maybe suggest paying for a babysitter and going out for drinks? I don't know. She does like hanging out with me... it's a big secret, that even her daughter has to be kept in on... lol.

 

[jmm854]

Ya know, it's a little warmer in the states, I don't know how all you Canadiens deal with living in the tundra. And no, Pennsylvania's no paradise in February either, I think the high in Harrisburg might've hit 18. That's -8 C my friend.

I think you need to let her get to the point that her biggest concern is her own happiness rather than her concern for the man she is with and obviously cares a great deal for, but does not love. A year's a long time, she's attached. And she's pulling away, be it ever so slow. Only thing you can do it wait for it all to unfold if you want her. Remember, it's much easier to mack a girl with no man in the picture than one who's still getting f*cked by another man. Basically, if she really desired to be single again, she would be.

Please don't kiss her *ss either. Take her out, but let her buy a couple rounds too. What's she rewarding you with in return? A novel of her problems in life? Certainly not with a trip home to the bedsheets. Command some respect here, she's not gonna ditch this dude for a b*tch. Make her spend time with you because she enjoys it, not because you're throwing the cash outta your wallet. Don't spend any money on her a few times and see what happens, you'll learn a lot about your present dilemma.

 

[Road Demon]

I believe she is using you as an emotional tampon. I bet she is still sexing her boyfriend? Remember there are always 2 sides to a story...

Why do you want to get involved with a girl with baggage.? She has made poor choices in the past and has a history of relationship instability. You don't really need to drama? She might be cool and all, but their are other cool, single girls without baggage.

I would back off you interaction with her. Wean herself off of you. If she is really into you she will chase you.

 

[Havoc2k]

@jmm854: I used to live in the states, and let me tell you, I'd have shorts on if it was -8 here.... this morning it was 40 below with the wind chill... unbelievable.

Man, you're 21 years old? I find that hard to believe. You have lots of experience in this. You're right... me pulling my wallet out all the time makes her look like the prize, which is awesome for her... cause she already has a man, so this is just bonus on the side kinda thing. Having her put up some cash makes it look like we are friends, rather than me trying to pull her away from her current relationship. I'll definately put a tighter grip on my wallet, thanks. totally makes sense. I've got to find things to do around here; that don't involve pulling the wallet out. I have tried to invite her over to my place, to play some Nintendo Wii (she likes video games.... she plays Grand Theft Auto, how crazy is that...) But I can't think of anything else to suggest at my house, other than the 'grand tour' and watching a movie. hahah... I'll have to play it by ear; going through these forums again have given me some more ideas too.

Thanks again man, I really appreciate your advise.

 

[Havoc2k]

@Road Demon: Yeah, she's still sexing her boyfriend... her words "How can you be in a room with someone you're with, and not have sex with them" But yeah, she has made bad decisions in her past, but I absolutely love her kid.. this kid is amazing, and is everything I want in my own kid. But yeah, single girls without baggage is defiantely better.... but for some reason, I like challenges.... but this challenge seems a bit harder than usual. I'll see how the next couple of weeks go, if nothing is changing... I might start cutting our conversations shorter... she'll either break up with her boyfriend, because we're losing touch, or she'll continue on with her life, like before I came back into her life.

 

[Road Demon]

Is it worth all the effort? What do you want out of the relationship with her?

Have you ever had sex or hooked up with her?

Again it seems she is getting all the benefits of second boyfriend without giving up sex?

Do you really what to be father to her kid? Its a big responseability? I'm not sure how old you are, but you can always be a dad at 50...

 

[jmm854]

21 and 8 months to be exact. You act like that's a bad thing. I got the bar scene there if I want it and I can still go after the latest class of high school graduates too and still be able to wake up in the morning respecting myself.

Age doesn't really make a difference. The tricks that get you laid at 17 still should work at 27. Just can't be as dileberate at it, that's all.

Video games are cool if you're sitting around with four of your bros gettin high. But believe it or not, I've never sat down to a nice game of Mortal Kombat with a broad and gotten her in bed the same night. Or ever. Go a litter further outside the box maybe? For that I need not say any more. The list of date options are endless and have been posted and reposted. Type date ideas in under the search, I'm sure you'll find a colleague out there with just what you're looking for.

 

[Havoc2k]

@road demon: I've adored this girl since like I said in my first message, since I was 8... I am now 26. I've never kissed, had sex, or anything with this girl. (of course with others) But yeah, she is getting the benefits of a second boyfriend for sure, which is why I need help. As for a father of her kid, yeah... you can always be a father at 50... but I wouldn't mind being one now. To each their own I guess? hehheh. She really is a great person, and I dont' want to make her think that I think that highly of her, or she'll lose interest. Who knows, like I said... eventually, if I don't get what I want... i'm going to lose interest, and she'll miss out big.

 

[Road Demon]

Do you beleive you are in the permanent friendszone? Does she find you attractive not by what she says (again she has a current man) but what she does... does she touch you, hug you, etc...

oneitis is a bad place to be. We all have experienced it.

Do you have any other options, I think you effort might have bigger payoff with investing into meeting other girls.

Have you tried to esclate the interaction with kino or any sort of indicators of interest...

What do you want with this girl, sex or a relationship?

 

[Havoc2k]

@jmm854: Sorry if it came off as I was acting like it was a bad thing... I just found the way you see things, that you've had tons of experience... however, that is possible depending on how early you started dating. As for the video games, you're right... not a very attractive offer when asking a girl to come over to play video games. I'll try that date ideas search, maybe she'll accept on a few... or maybe it'll give her ideas based off ones I mention.

 

[Havoc2k]

@Road Demon: I haven't had time to get into the permanent friendszone... meaning I just got back into her life after many years of "hey, hows it goin, gotta run" kind of conversations. I have one friend, she is drop dead gorgeous... and I let her slip into the friendzone... I'll never let that happen again! As for "escalate the interaction with kino" elaborate?

 

[Road Demon]

kino is physical touching...light touches on the arm or leg. sensual in nature.

 

[Havoc2k]

Ahh, I've done stuff like that... when she says a joke or something, I'd touch her arm as I laugh... one time I 'faked' that she had an eyelash on her cheek... and I brushed it away for her. She responds very good to this... which is why I thought she might have a thing for me. Only thing is, we rarely get a chance to meet in person lately... it's only like once a week now, instead of 4 or 5 times a week like it was 3 weeks ago. Her schedule and my schedule don't meet up very nicely... she has been working a lot of night shifts, and is too tired to leave, so she talks with me on the phone till she goes to sleep. I feel like a phone wh0re now. hahaha

 

[frisco]

Havoc2k What you should do is go apologized to the poor ****er who's wife:nono: who has a whole **** load of baggage is using some dumb ass idiot(you) :moon: as an emotiontappon:flowers: , who the hell would waste there time and effort on a ridiculous situation, When there are milliona:wave: of other girls that i guarantee are hotter, and don't have someone else kid :nono: . That is unless you have enough balls to step up to The Man and tell him that you plan to **** his wife and steal daddy's little girl away from him. If you cant handle that Havock2 then there is no reason to break up a family for your own selfish needs and terrorize a little girls childhood.
You shall know vanish and never post your worthless bull****:moon: on these forums again:trouble: Drunk/High/Poon/Now

 

[Road Demon]

I did the phone thing a long,long time ago...not a good interaction (she had bf at the time, even though I kino'd and kissed her). You're being her surrogate boyfriend without the sex. Is she treating you like a girlfriend dumping all her 'problems' and drama on you? You don't need to be her emotional tampon.

Your kino sounds fine. But is the attraction strong enough to for you to esclate it to a kiss. How do you think she would respond if you gave her one...

Be busy...don't respond to all her calls. She how she responds.

I would suggest you move onto something that is actually worth you investment. She is has far too many red flags. Spending time by yourself is more productive...

 

[Havoc2k]

frisco: Enough. You don't know what you're talking about.

Road Demon: yeah, I'm not too happy about the phone situation. I don't know if the attraction is strong enough to escalate to a kiss.... I'm leaning towards no here... Although, the day we were out drinking... I felt like I should have, but I didn't. I'll see on our next meeting, and possible date... see how it feels.. if it feels wrong, I'll end it there.

 

[frisco]

:nono: :trouble: