I need help - becoming an AFC... or worse?

[spukee]

It's been a year since my last long term relationship. That one ended bitterly, and my experience with women since has been one one-night-stand after another. I'll be the first to admit that I'm in a really bad place in my life right now - I still keep a positive face on for all my friends, but I'm incredibly depressed, and find it hard to motivate myself to do anything. Call it post-college graduation blues or whatever, but it's throwing me up against a wall right now.

I replace my lack of motivation with lots of alcohol, sex, and friends. It's not intelligent, but I'm pretty lost right now. Frankly, I probably need counseling, but I don't have the money for it.

That's not the issue.

So I met this girl. I'm known for falling in love pretty easily, then falling out of love right afterwards. Girls I end up dating (nexting... whatever) are the 'wrong' kind of girl - needy, whiny, superficial, and more often than not... pretty stupid. But this girl's different: man she's got a taste in music I can really respect, she's got a jaded sense of humor, and I can't read her like I can most girls I meet. She's intelligent as all hell, and don't get me started on her looks. It's way too early to be thinking about a relationship - we've only been out once, and we're going out two more times this week. Problem is that I am thinking about a relationship.

It doesn't help that by Saturday she'll have already met 3/4 of my friends... it already feels like she's a part of my life. I dont want this - as I said, I'm in a bad place in my life and the last thing I want is to throw it all on some poor unsuspecting girl. I can see myself pouring buckets of molten crazy all over her, then watching her run away, scarred for life.

3 things that will happen (because I know myself):

1) I absolutely will not tell her how I feel. I'm not an emo kid, and definetly smart enough to know that any decent girl is drawn to a man who can own his feelings.

2) 80% of my thought process will be overthinking things concerning her. This needs to go - it's not healthy, and it's not productive.

3) I will internally berate myself even more than I already am (which is a lot) for being unable to pick my life up and start taking control of my situation. This is a real problem, as I realize it's a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I can't seem to find a way to break it.

Well there you go - spukee is insane, and obviously shouldn't be trusted with sharp pointy objects. I honestly think I just need a good kick in the ass, and someone to point me in the right direction. Truth is, I hadn't really felt that my whole lazy-ass lifestyle was such a big problem until I met this girl... and while I realize that's a good thing, I'm sure as hell not going to place it on her to fix everything. I figure if I want to keep her around, I'm going to have to get myself in order first. So... what comes next...?

 

[Royal Elite]

First off I like to say I know you can get through it, just as you life wasn't always bad, it will be good again.

Secondly you need to change your attitude. The words you typed here are you soul's expression. Even if you don't fully believe it lie to yourself. Tell yourself postive affirmations instead of the ones you have typed. Your attitude decides the type of energy you possess, and right now it is all negative. It only gets worse unless you change it. Instead of saying Im in a bad place, say Im on the path to the right place although I haven't reached it Im traveling there. Anything you can think off there is always another way to see it, which effects your energy.

Thirdly-the fact that you said you "can't" read her shows that her energy is guared right now. She is not opening up the floodgates to her soul and if you try forcing your energy on her, she will run (even if you don't say it she can feel it trust me). You simply need to pull back your energy, and decide to move things along in stages. YOu cant skip stages, it isn't healthy. Dont think of her as lrt, just think of her as someone you are getting to know better. Once you can read her, that will mean she is exposing more of her energy to you, and you will be able to let loose a little more or your energy.

Fouth-Start surrounding yourself with more postive sources of energy. Go to a museum, take some walks in a park. Rent some comedy movies, or feel good movies. Read your bible more. Your energy level is low and you need to surround yourself with more postive enviroments. Read a good book. Do do some charity work (this is a tremendous source of postive energy).

 

[spukee]

Royal:

first point: You're absolutely right - I know I can make it through this whole thing too, and I have been taking some positive steps. Most notably I quit my job (good money, but I hate it, and I'm not good at it), in lieu of finding something more fitting with my degree and aspirations. I'm pretty sure this one move will prove especially helpful in getting things back on track - the desperation to find another job in the next month will hopefully spark enough motivation to get that aspect in gear.

second point: Again, you're right. I really do keep a positive front around my friends and family, but that front's been sucking up all my reserve energy lately. I'll try putting a more positive spin on things in my head; it can only help.

third point: I actually meant that as a positive - usually I have no trouble reading a girl, but this one has a lot more depth to her. Not being able to read her is a fun challenge, and is really alluring.

What you said about pulling back my energy is pretty much where the problem buried in the original post lies, though - I don't want to convey myself as that desperate, needy guy. I'm not that desperate, needy guy. Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem for me, but I think with the disorganization that's going on in the rest of my life now, I'm unintentionally focusing on the one clear goal that's suddenly arisen. That's not fair to her, nor is it healthy for myself.

fourth point: I will. I am. I've been a real ******* to my soon-to-be-ex-bossman the last few weeks; taking time off work to focus on myself (read good books, walk around the park, take 12 mile bike rides for the hell of it...). I realize it's selfish, and it's not helping my financial situation any, but it's a tremendous help and makes me that much more productive when I do show up for work. Really, despite the fact that staring at code all day is something I truly despise, I'm rather lucky to have a boss who understands where I'm coming from, and accepts the fact that I'm impulsive.

Haha... damn, that last part makes me sound like a really bad person. More than anything I think I just need a couple of weeks off to sort myself out. Getting away from the house... from responsibility... that's what really helps out. Really though, I'm scared that's not going to change - I've never been known for my reliability

 

[Royal Elite]

Okay so you are already on the path. The only problem I see is time. It takes time to run up 100 flights of stairs, so you just have to wait out the storm since you are already staring out of it. The best thing I can say is try to see past the moment. If you can focus on where you will be at the end of the path you are trevleing instead of where you are, it might help you.

But too me I don't see the person you see, i see a person who had a problem and made all the necessary steps to fix it. the only thing you can do more of is nothing, just stay the correct path you have so wisely chosen for yourself.

 

[spukee]

Well I appreciate it, pal - it's a huge relief just being able to talk about it. The whole inner-monologue thing is a neat trick, but external support means a lot. You're right; I know it's going to take some time. Heh, I'm not well-known for my patience either

The best experiences in life are the hardest ones to make it out of alive. I think I might visit some old professors today, and pry some anecdotal wisdom out of them.

 

[squirrels]

Your discontent is not with how you look to her, but with how you look to YOURSELF. Your connection with her has just brought it to the surface.

Whether or not it works out with this girl, let her presence be the beginning of a motivation for change in yourself.

I like your attitude here...in a forum where so many people focus on the girl...I am not worthy of her, how do I MAKE HER like me anyway?...you are taking the attitude of I am not worthy, how do I BECOME WORTHY? This puts the focus back on YOU and YOUR life. You don't want to win the princess, you want to BE THE PRINCE.

Start with baby steps. RE's got the right idea...don't weigh yourself down. Accept the problems and seek solutions, little by little.

The attitude that you NEED to change is the one that says you don't have control over your life. YOU DO. Grab the helm and start steering again...even if it's only little changes to get a feel for being in control of yourself again. As you become comfortable, start making bigger changes...REALLY stretch those arms that you had forgotten how to use. Empowerment will grow in you with each step you take, and you'll find yourself at the top, not knowing how you got there, but enjoying every minute of it.

 

[spukee]

Originally posted by squirrels
I like your attitude here...in a forum where so many people focus on the girl...I am not worthy of her, how do I MAKE HER like me anyway?...you are taking the attitude of I am not worthy, how do I BECOME WORTHY? This puts the focus back on YOU and YOUR life. You don't want to win the princess, you want to BE THE PRINCE.

Haha, yeah I just don't like to rely on people or things for my happiness. Half the time when you finally get what you want, you realize you don't want it anymore - I've made that mistake before. True happiness comes from being happy with yourself; that's when things tend to fall into place.

Take the helm, huh? You're right, I DO have control over my life, and I'm slowly taking things where I want them to go. It may not happen as quickly as I'd like, but it's better than staying in the same place and hoping for a proverbial strong gust of wind to take me in the right direction. Even seeking anonymous counsel is a good step.

Maybe part of my difficulty stems from trying to take on too much at once: I'm a real 'big picture' kind of guy, and see a whole series of problems as one big whole. If I can start getting rid of specific, individual problems, I'll make that much more progress.

Now I just have to take a look and figure out what those individual problems are

 

[Reach]

Cheer up.

Firstly I've been through a lot worse than you recently and I'm still having a good time. "Oh, it's so hard partying and ****ing all the time.!!"

You're only problem is that you're not satisfied. One of my maxims is don't get a girlfreind to be happy, be happy to get a girlfreind. You could probably do with reading some books that help you feel good in yourself. Change Your Life In Seven Days by Paul Mckenna has got a hypnosis CD on it that can really help you if you're stressed out and just having some common sense as a frame of reference hanging around is helpful.

To be honest with you, I feel good pretty much all the time now even when things are bad because I feel I have a purpose and faith in life. When I was in a cell I didn't think "Why me?!" I just thought, "What's the best thing I can do when I get home?"

 

[spukee]

You're so right, Reach - I've been through a lot worse than this before. I'm sitting here in a random coffee shop right next to the local university campus, watching people go by, and realizing that every single one of them has faced, will face, or is currently facing the same sort of situation. Believe me, I'm disgusted with my attitude and outlook right now, and I'm sure it must look incredibly pathetic from an outside point of view.

I know what the next step is... it's a doozy, and it's so damn stupid that I'm reluctant to post it, as it just shows my character in a very flawed light. However, I can see myself being quite a bit happier, and less stressed, if I just spend a few hours to get it over with.

 

[DrSoSuave]

Please forgive me that African children are starving and there are innocent Iraqis being killed everyday. You're 21, hardly you are becoming "worse" off.

 

[spukee]

Originally posted by DrSoSuave
Please forgive me that African children are starving and there are innocent Iraqis being killed everyday. You're 21, hardly you are becoming "worse" off.

Meh, that's an ignorant statement - you don't have to have the **** bombed out of you to feel like ****. I'm here for my own benefit, I'm looking for a way to improve my life, and I appreciate constructive feedback. If you don't approve, don't reply - simple, yeah?

 

[Wyldfire]

Every rough time in your life is a gift, and you need to start viewing it as such. These times give you an opportunity to grow and learn as a human being. A man is made by the difficult times he faces and makes it through. You're just looking at your situation in the wrong way. Rather than use it as an excuse to pity yourself you simply need to use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Afterall, what doesn't kill us just makes us stronger and wiser.

 

[HB_Hunter]

Great inspirational words wyldfire....

I'd like to hear of this as Im facing also some tough time...you know problems with some friend (outgoing type) and my old friends are becoming boring so I m not hanging out like before ...plus getting into new groups aren't easy ....

Besides spukee ..I think you need to pick up and get over it . though it may seem hard at times but it's the only way because if you wallowed and kept feeling sorry for yourself , you will dig yourself in that hole you got yourself cooking .

Talking like that ..i have a problem these days that i want to do alot of things perfectly or i fear being thought of as inexperienced and seek not to make mistakes though i know that i can't eliminate mistakes because it's natural and living life eliminating them makes it an unnatural , miserable life .

 

[Reach]

I think many peoples problems come from a fear of success. A quote that helped me put my fear of achieving into perspective might help some other people as well.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is taht we are powerful beyond measure.
It's our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of the universe.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing elightening about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of the universe that is within us. It's not just in some of us, but it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine
We unconciously give other people permission to do the same.
And as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson

I know a bit of that is gay, but it has a point that I agree with.