I need help as I keep turning first dates into platonic hangouts, what to do?

[Sebastian0001]

Just for some context, I am a divorced man and 38 years old. I used to be very good on first dates and they would always turn into some level of intimacy after the first date. So, I have had success before and its not like I am awkward or bad looking or anything. The only negative on me is that I recently had a GI disease and so my weight is kind of low and I am 5'11 and only 125lbs but I dress in a way that looks good for thin men. However, at this stage of my life as I re-enter dating, it has been a struggle. I have been on a lot of first dates in a bar/lounge setting where we are getting drinks. In the most recent date, the girl afterwards told me she sees more of a platonic vibe than a romantic vibe and I know that my approach is not good enough. This particular date was at a bar/lounge and we sat at a table and had drinks. When I got there, she gave me a hug and then we talked about a lot of random topics including family, careers, where she grew up, where she attended school and we asked each other questions about these topics. One time she accidentally kicked my foot and I tried to make a joke that "I know I am cute but do you have to play footsies with me?" and she laughed. Then we walked around the lounge because there was a band playing and a beautiful lagoon inside of the lounge. We continued talking about other topics and the conversation flowed well. She told me about her sister and I told her about my brother. I tried to touch her on the arm while talking to create more touch. Finally, I paid for the drinks and we walked out. I offered a ride home but she said she wanted to walk because she is new to the city and is still discovering. She then walked with me to my car and gave me a nice hug and then we went out separate ways. A few days later I texted and she said she seems more of platonic vibe and not a romantic vibe.

What should I have done differently? What kind of things could I have done or said to increase sexual tension? Should I have done some sweet talk and said something like "you have beautiful eyes" or maybe more aggressive touching?? I'd appreciate any advice you guys may have for me. Additionally, is there any good book that I can read on the topic of first date interactions and how to create sexual tension and attraction instead of platonic vibes and platonic interactions?

 

[Robert28]

All that means is she wasn’t attracted to you. It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. I would have written her off after she turned down my ride home offer and especially a hug at the end. I did notice miss “friend vibes” let you pay for the drinks and didn’t offer to split the bill. They always do that, and she for damn sure wasn’t going to tell you she was feeling friend vibes BEFORE you paid the bill, no sir.

 

[Kotaix]

You don't create sexual tension by saying something or touching her at just the right time or kissing her out of the blue. She didn't want to go further because you didn't make any actual moves.

You create sexual tension by looking her in the eyes while being honest with yourself and her about your attraction for her and being completely unafraid of the outcome. If she responds with a smile then you're free to move forward, if she doesn't then you accept the outcome and don't get butthurt over it.

You can't "try" to do this or it will come across as creepy. It has to be natural.

 

[Robert28]

You don't create sexual tension by saying something or touching her at just the right time or kissing her out of the blue. She didn't want to go further because you didn't make any actual moves.

You create sexual tension by looking her in the eyes while being honest with yourself and her about your attraction for her and being completely unafraid of the outcome. If she responds with a smile then you're free to move forward, if she doesn't then you accept the outcome and don't get butthurt over it.

You can't "try" to do this or it will come across as creepy. It has to be natural.

Yep. I’ve done it hundreds of times and I still screw it up sometimes. I can feel my body language being off too. Even with all the practice I still don’t pull it off all the time.

 

[Sebastian0001]

You don't create sexual tension by saying something or touching her at just the right time or kissing her out of the blue. She didn't want to go further because you didn't make any actual moves.

You create sexual tension by looking her in the eyes while being honest with yourself and her about your attraction for her and being completely unafraid of the outcome. If she responds with a smile then you're free to move forward, if she doesn't then you accept the outcome and don't get butthurt over it.

You can't "try" to do this or it will come across as creepy. It has to be natural.

So, when you say looking her in the eye and then what? Are you saying to tell her directly that I am attracted to her and then being unafraid of the outcome?

 

[Kotaix]

So, when you say looking her in the eye and then what? Are you saying to tell her directly that I am attracted to her and then being unafraid of the outcome?

No, you don't say anything. This is a wordless exchange. If you think she's attractive and let yourself just smile at her, then that's more or less it.

I'm sure you've experienced this before when you look across at a woman, she catches your gaze and smiles at you, and you feel the electricity.

I knew of a couple in germany who were exchange students. Neither of them spoke a single word of each other's languages, but they fvcked liked rabbits. They would just look at eachother, get a knowing look and leave.

 

[Stuffnu]

Sounds like you gave her your life story. Where‘s the mystery? You can talk yourself out of a romantic vibe with too much conversation.
If she does all the talking - listen and your responses should be brief.
Offer a chapter - not the whole book.
Too long of a first date can kill the mode as well, unless Pound Town is imminent
You want her yearning for more.

Yes you can look at her eyes, body language and demeanor for clues but sexual tension is always created by physical contact. It can start with small gestures as brushing the top of her hand with yours. Ams, knees and lower back are also great areas. You had an golden opportunity when you walked around. Girls are instinctive and will totally pickup on It. If they are interested - they will reciprocate, making it easy.
Reciprocation is a green light for escalation.
If she’s interested and you did nothing - you will be banished to the friend zone every time. I know this from extensive experience.

If they pull back or stiffen up, they are either un-attracted to you or just a rigid person not worthy of your time.

Good luck!

 

[MatureDJ]

A platonic hangout could be on the pathway to poon, so it's not a dead end. The best way to convert her is to mack other chicks - even going so far as to pretend to her that you've got other plates. Now that said, don't fall into the trap of being a Beta orbiter "friend"; if she disrespects you by macking other men, then she is a plate that you don't want to have around.

 

[MatureDJ]

The only negative on me is that I recently had a GI disease and so my weight is kind of low and I am 5'11 and only 125lbs but I dress in a way that looks good for thin men.

That's literally the same weight as a horseracing jockey at height 5'2". You need to start lifting.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Oh my god dude, I walk around at 220 comfortably and I'm 5'11, right now I've peeled down to like 185 and I'm in the best shape of my life, how the **** are you 125 lbs you must be all skin and bone

Women like ultra skinny dudes, you need to dress skinny if your not, but still hit the gym it's good for your brain

 

[Robert28]

Women think I’m skinny and I’m 5’10 183.

 

[Sebastian0001]

Oh my god dude, I walk around at 220 comfortably and I'm 5'11, right now I've peeled down to like 185 and I'm in the best shape of my life, how the **** are you 125 lbs you must be all skin and bone

Women like ultra skinny dudes, you need to dress skinny if your not, but still hit the gym it's good for your brain

how do you know that women like ultra skinny dudes? Is that what women have told you? I know i am very underweight, its because of a disease but even before the disease, i was only 145 lbs so i have always been skinny. Its because of high metabolism and also I'm vegetarian.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

how do you know that women like ultra skinny dudes? Is that what women have told you? I know i am very underweight, its because of a disease but even before the disease, i was only 145 lbs so i have always been skinny. Its because of high metabolism and also I'm vegetarian.

I believe it's because fat guys lose length on their penis and also lose boner hardness because blood flow being redirected to their lungs/legs because stressed/out of shape, so I think it's purely a sex thing, also most women are bigger these days

 

[andreihaha]

So, when you say looking her in the eye and then what? Are you saying to tell her directly that I am attracted to her and then being unafraid of the outcome?

No, you say nothing.
You look at her while she talks and appreciate (in silence) whatever you like about her, you glance at her eyes, her lips, her eyes again. She will notice and if there is any sort of attraction between you two, she will most likely stop talking and look into your eyes. You man up and sloooowly move in for the kill, enjoying every fraction of tension.

 

[Don Dark Horse]

You don't create sexual tension by saying something or touching her at just the right time or kissing her out of the blue. She didn't want to go further because you didn't make any actual moves.

You create sexual tension by looking her in the eyes while being honest with yourself and her about your attraction for her and being completely unafraid of the outcome. If she responds with a smile then you're free to move forward, if she doesn't then you accept the outcome and don't get butthurt over it.

You can't "try" to do this or it will come across as creepy. It has to be natural.

The old move her hair behind her ear trick works great, after holding eye contact. You smoothly brush a strand of her hair behind her ear. If she is cool with you doing that, safe to say she is down for a kiss. Works great every time. If she isn't okay with you touching her hair like that then you got the message, don't try anything just then.

 

[Don Dark Horse]

No, you say nothing.
You look at her while she talks and appreciate (in silence) whatever you like about her, you glance at her eyes, her lips, her eyes again. She will notice and if there is any sort of attraction between you two, she will most likely stop talking and look into your eyes. You man up and sloooowly move in for the kill, enjoying every fraction of tension.

This! with the eye contact and glancing at her lips. Excellent at creating sexual tension. OP just remember this comes from you. If she is glancing at your lips while you maintain eye contact it is equal to her thinking "I want you to kiss me".

 

[andreihaha]

The old move her hair behind her ear trick works great, after holding eye contact. You smoothly brush a strand of her hair behind her ear. If she is cool with you doing that, safe to say she is down for a kiss. Works great every time. If she isn't okay with you touching her hair like that then you got the message, don't try anything just then.

Oh yeah, another classic.
I don't use it that much on a first date tho as you don't usually have a reason to touch her hair.

 

[Bingo-Player]

we talked about a lot of random topics including family, careers, where she grew up, where she attended school and we asked each other questions about these topics.

What should I have done differently? What kind of things could I have done or said to increase sexual tension? Should I have done some sweet talk and said something like "you have beautiful eyes" or maybe more aggressive touching?? I'd appreciate any advice you guys may have for me. Additionally, is there any good book that I can read on the topic of first date interactions and how to create sexual tension and attraction instead of platonic vibes and platonic interactions?

1) In future avoid interview style questions they murder attraction , if a woman is on a date with you she's already thought about sleeping with you , you don't need to beat around the bush

platonic conversation = platonic interaction

2) when you meet a date you put your hand on the small of her back and guide her to where YOU want to sit , preferably some sort of couch or lounge chair so you can sit next to her

3) after you are both comfortable start lightly talking about sex or kinks or lingerie , i usually do this by telling them one of my past dates or past girlfriends was really boring in bed .... take the conversation from there

4) once the tone of the conversation has been shifted to a sexual one start asking her about what she's into , does she like toys ? , what's her lingerie collection like ? what's she wearing right now ?

5) touch her as much as you can , even move her around a bit if you feel like it , say something like "im not comfortable here" grab her and move her somewhere else

all of this will shift her into thinking about sex and ultimately that is what you want

sadly 90% of men will not talk about sex with her until they have had sex with her ( if it ever gets to that stage ).......but women are turned on by what they think and hear not what they see

 

[Zimbabwe]

sit next to her, not across from her

Exactly, sitting accross each other is for friends. You can't do kino if she is on the other side of the table.

sadly 90% of men will not talk about sex with her until they have had sex with her ( if it ever gets to that stage ).......but women are turned on by what they think and hear not what they see

Yes, too many guys think it will scare her off or that they are "coming on too strong". I used to be guilty of this too, even waiting until the end of the date to kiss.

 

[andreihaha]

1) In future avoid interview style questions they murder attraction , if a woman is on a date with you she's already thought about sleeping with you , you don't need to beat around the bush

platonic conversation = platonic interaction

2) when you meet a date you put your hand on the small of her back and guide her to where YOU want to sit , preferably some sort of couch or lounge chair so you can sit next to her

3) after you are both comfortable start lightly talking about sex or kinks or lingerie , i usually do this by telling them one of my past dates or past girlfriends was really boring in bed .... take the conversation from there

4) once the tone of the conversation has been shifted to a sexual one start asking her about what she's into , does she like toys ? , what's her lingerie collection like ? what's she wearing right now ?

5) touch her as much as you can , even move her around a bit if you feel like it , say something like "im not comfortable here" grab her and move her somewhere else

all of this will shift her into thinking about sex and ultimately that is what you want

sadly 90% of men will not talk about sex with her until they have had sex with her ( if it ever gets to that stage ).......but women are turned on by what they think and hear not what they see

This was a great comment, but you kinda lost me at 4) and 5)
I'm all for some sexual innuendo, but I'm not asking a woman about dildos quickly on a first date. Lingerie is different, but I don't go too agressive on the sexual side. Maybe because sex is not the only thing I care about on a first date.
Also, I never feel the need to touch her too much before a kiss. Usually guiding her with my hand on her back while getting a seat and semi-intentional touching while talking is the most I do. If she's even remotely interested, she'll do the touching, specially when you're saying something funny or surprising, as women are very reactive to stuff like this.

I agree with everything else you've said, good stuff.