I made a massive mistake -re NC

[PeakIV]

I hold my hands up guys, made a massive mistake, 8 months was not long enough, should have never answered that phone....

been playing on my mind all the time over the last few days.

don't do what I did. an ex is an ex for a reason.

If they call, don't pick up, even if you think you are over them.

NC is to protect you, and even though I feel I got the upper hand ( told her I was happy, moved on etc)...and knowing her last relationship has hit the skids, I feel like sh*t.

hearing them again and wondering helps no-one especially me.

sorry once again guys, can't believe I read all the stuff you said and still balls'd up.

 

[The Gambler]

I hold my hands up guys, made a massive mistake, 8 months was not long enough, should have never answered that phone....

been playing on my mind all the time over the last few days.

don't do what I did. an ex is an ex for a reason.

If they call, don't pick up, even if you think you are over them.

NC is to protect you, and even though I feel I got the upper hand ( told her I was happy, moved on etc)...and knowing her last relationship has hit the skids, I feel like sh*t.

hearing them again and wondering helps no-one especially me.

sorry once again guys, can't believe I read all the stuff you said and still balls'd up.

So what happened? How did the call go?

 

[PeakIV]

she rang, I acted cool, she said she was getting a place on her own and needed to be single for a year or so to sort herself out.
would I provide a reference for her new place.

I assumed her last relationship hit the skids.

I said sure, she asked if I was seeing someone, I said yes, etc left it vague, could tell she was pissed.

she said can I call you, I said sure. felt I got the upper hand.

had a couple of jokes made her laugh and said I had to go.
Put down the phone and felt I got the upper hand.

nope....fast forward to a few days later and I am now mulling .. not good.

 

[BeDJ]

I was drunk last night and had a 2.5 hour conversation with a POF chick I have yet to meet, in hopes of having her drive 3 hours to see me.

We succumb to temptations and get a reality slap in the face.

 

[Findog]

Practice, not perfection. Don't beat yourself up.

 

[Desdinova]

Reminds me of the time my ex-fiance left a message on my answering machine, wanting a copy of her resume and asked me to call back. I still had it, so all I did was put it in the mail minus the phone call.

When she's missing you, she'll create reasons to contact you. Don't play into it.

 

[SecondHalf]

I'm thinking when you said ...

like you guys said, keep that hamster wheel spinning......

You allowed yourself to somehow believe you were back in the game. It wasn't the phone call, it's what you allowed yourself to consider afterwards.

What you needed to tell yourself afterwards is ... nope, never, no matter what!

So ... tell yourself that now ... until you believe it!

SH

 

[mrRuckus]

You've truly won when you can deal with this sh1t and your emotions like an adult instead of relying on an avoidance mechanism of no contact.

Isn't rollo the one all about buffers? Isn't no contact just another buffer? You avoid instead of learning to deal.

I guess it's a decent noob way of protecting yourself, but you can't really learn much or build up a tolerance to this stuff by avoiding.

Let "no contact" occur naturally because you honestly don't give a damn, not because you're coming from a place of weakness and have to fight to maintain it instead of learning to cope.

I go no contact all the time but it's because i don't want to talk to her or see her, not because i need to "protect my heart." If i answer or don't answer a phone call it's out of "let's see what fun I can have with this and listen to whatever dumb crap she has to say" and not "oh no! I better maintain my 6 months of sobriety!"

 

[Itsjustme]

We all make mistakes bro, it's what you learn from them that makes you who you are. Never be afraid of making mistakes.

 

[Three]

All I can say is that I feel you, man. I'm just waiting for a divorce hearing date from my BPD waif stbx and she still calls occasionally. I don't pick up and she says to tell the kids she loves them and sometimes that she misses me.

It's nothing about being a big, tough guy. It's about leaving behind toxic people and the poisonous sh!t they bring into your life. If you can handle talking then go for it, but if it leaves you stunned and crazy for days then fvck it.

You have no one to apologize to for feeling weak. You don't have to confront everything in life head on in order to prove yourself a man.

 

[PeakIV]

cheers guys,
one of the reasons for answering was exactly the fact that I thought I didn't want to use NC to avoid , I am not hiding, I am here and I can handle it.

I thought if I used NC forever I was using it to avoid and thought 8 months was enough, but no, like you said SecondHalf, I thought I was in the game again. Wrong!

I am not and will never be. have to get on with my life.

I think Biblebelt or scars once said, you have to just accept that these girls with issues will always get in touch from time to time for something they need not because of you, no other girl would do that

Jeeez I know this Sh*t!

 

[The Gambler]

cheers guys,
one of the reasons for answering was exactly the fact that I thought I didn't want to use NC to avoid , I am not hiding, I am here and I can handle it.

I thought if I used NC forever I was using it to avoid and thought 8 months was enough, but no, like you said SecondHalf, I thought I was in the game again. Wrong!

I am not and will never be. have to get on with my life.

I think Biblebelt or scars once said, you have to just accept that these girls with issues will always get in touch from time to time for something they need not because of you, no other girl would do that

Jeeez I know this Sh*t!

You handled the call very well... VERY WELL!

Eight months later, you wouldn't know how it felt to talk with her unless you tried. You did, and it dredged up some old feelings. But, you have my respect for taking a risk! Sticking with a gambling analogy, I think the phone call was an old-fashioned blackjack "push" for the both of you, because you both feel like crap! Neither one of you won that hand.... But I can't help but think that you'd be just as miserable if you had not taken the call, because you'd be wondering what she wanted... You know?

The Gambler

 

[PeakIV]

yup.... dam'd if you don't answer and dam'd if you do...

its all cool, rest of life here we come......

 

[Aristippus]

Peak,

Be careful. Avoid falling into the "favor" trap. She's on her own now. I keep hearing guys say that breaking contact helps to protect your feelings but one thing they fail to mention is that avoiding contact also prevents you from being used.

You have nothing to gain from keeping in touch with her or being her friend. Don't be surprised if she calls again asking for a favor. It starts small but if you give her an inch, she'll demand a mile and not only will she demand a mile, she'll also be ungrateful and simply expect it.

Your purpose for existing isn't to make her life easier and more convenient. Also, the idea of an ex being an ex is, you want this person out of your life. You're not proving anything to yourself or anyone by picking up the phone when someone calls that you want OUT of your life.

That's like me saying I'm going to prove my inner strength by picking up the phone every time an annoying telemarketer calls me. You didn't "get the upper hand". That's your ego talking. Stop giving mixed signals. You have to break contact completely. She's an ex. You DON'T have kids together. You DON'T want to be with her. She WON'T stop contacting you unless you put your foot down. And you WON'T put up with her sh!t.

You are NOT her man. You're NOT her chore boy. You're NOT there for her convenience. You're NOT to provide a reference for her for anything else in the future. YOU'RE HER EX. I'll say it again. Your her EX! EX! EX! EX! EX! EX! EX! EX!

Not her lover. Not her friend. You're not responsible for her well-being or quality of life. You're not responsible for handling her piddly sh*t or for making it easier for her to get a place. You're not responsible for the important things or the trivial things in her life. You're her EX. If you keep contact with her, she will start asking you for more favors. And if you start running the favor mill, she will let you do it INDEFINITELY. SHE won't put a stop to it. It will only stop when YOU put a stop to it.

Women like free labor. And they don't care if that free labor comes from their boyfriend, their husband, their exes, their male friends or the guys that hang around forever doing them favors hoping in vain that they'll get some action. Don't let her play you for a fool. Don't allow this to even get started. And don't be soft. It's time to plant your foot back down.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Peak,

Be careful. Avoid falling into the "favor" trap. She's on her own now. I keep hearing guys say that breaking contact helps to protect your feelings but one thing they fail to mention is that avoiding contact also prevents you from being used.

You have nothing to gain from keeping in touch with her or being her friend. Don't be surprised if she calls again asking for a favor. It starts small but if you give her an inch, she'll demand a mile and not only will she demand a mile, she'll also be ungrateful and simply expect it.

Your purpose for existing isn't to make her life easier and more convenient. Also, the idea of an ex being an ex is, you want this person out of your life. You're not proving anything to yourself or anyone by picking up the phone when someone calls that you want OUT of your life.

That's like me saying I'm going to prove my inner strength by picking up the phone every time an annoying telemarketer calls me. You didn't "get the upper hand". That's your ego talking. Stop giving mixed signals. You have to break contact completely. She's an ex. You DON'T have kids together. You DON'T want to be with her. She WON'T stop contacting you unless you put your foot down. And you WON'T put up with her sh!t.

You are NOT her man. You're NOT her chore boy. You're NOT there for her convenience. You're NOT to provide a reference for her for anything else in the future. YOU'RE HER EX. I'll say it again. Your her EX! EX! EX! EX! EX! EX! EX! EX!

Not her lover. Not her friend. You're not responsible for her well-being or quality of life. You're not responsible for handling her piddly sh*t or for making it easier for her to get a place. You're not responsible for the important things or the trivial things in her life. You're her EX. If you keep contact with her, she will start asking you for more favors. And if you start running the favor mill, she will let you do it INDEFINITELY. SHE won't put a stop to it. It will only stop when YOU put a stop to it.

Women like free labor. And they don't care if that free labor comes from their boyfriend, their husband, their exes, their male friends or the guys that hang around forever doing them favors hoping in vain that they'll get some action. Don't let her play you for a fool. Don't allow this to even get started. And don't be soft. It's time to plant your foot back down.

This is the best advice I have ever read here on SS.

Rep to the poster on this one -DEFO, DEFO, DEFO, DEFO, DEFFFOOOOO!!!!!!!

 

[PeakIV]

I hear you Aristippus.... great advice and I know this is the only way.

as hard as it is, as you said she is an ex and that is it period.

Foot is down.

 

[Boilermaker]

You've truly won when you can deal with this sh1t and your emotions like an adult instead of relying on an avoidance mechanism of no contact.

Isn't rollo the one all about buffers? Isn't no contact just another buffer? You avoid instead of learning to deal.

Absolutely. No-contact is a BIG BUFFER and it is vital skill for a fledgling DJ to master.

Because AFC's are behaving like crack addicts, the sharp NC rule is usually very instructive if it's pulled once or twice successfully. However, I find it very shallow and unnecessary after a point, because it makes you rigid and vulnerable from a different perspective.

After all, a DJ is happy with his own desires and if you desire an EX that which you can reasonably control, why hold yourself back?

It's very Anti-American (the culture is intrinsically Hedonistic) and I don't necessarily think it's masculine.

It's a feminine subversion tactic twisted on its head and put back in our toolkit.

Enough belaboring. No Contact isn't absolute, nor is it fundamental.

Cheers.

 

[st_99]

I don't think you made any mistake per say. All you did was confirm what you probably already knew, that you still have chumpish feelings for this girl. Thats all.

So, its not a mistake, just a reminder that you are not where you should be.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Absolutely. No-contact is a BIG BUFFER and it is vital skill for a fledgling DJ to master.

Because AFC's are behaving like crack addicts, the sharp NC rule is usually very instructive if it's pulled once or twice successfully. However, I find it very shallow and unnecessary after a point, because it makes you rigid and vulnerable from a different perspective.

After all, a DJ is happy with his own desires and if you desire an EX that which you can reasonably control, why hold yourself back?

It's very Anti-American (the culture is intrinsically Hedonistic) and I don't necessarily think it's masculine.

It's a feminine subversion tactic twisted on its head and put back in our toolkit.

Enough belaboring. No Contact isn't absolute, nor is it fundamental.

Cheers.

Very interesting perspective, although a tad tricky for all the emo types (of which I count myself)

I would like to hear an illustration of how you really worked this viewpoint succesfully. I know that for most of us dealing with these psycho bytches, this will not work......

 

[Findog]

Very interesting perspective, although a tad tricky for all the emo types (of which I count myself)

I would like to hear an illustration of how you really worked this viewpoint succesfully. I know that for most of us dealing with these psycho bytches, this will not work......

I think what he means is that you get to a point in the process of NC where you have detached enough to the point of indifference where it's no longer necessary. At that point you're not in communication because you're living your life and you don't want or need anything from her, not because you are using NC like a cast for a broken bone. You could run into her at the Starbucks or the grocery store or the neighborhood pub and it wouldn't affect you at all. Bottom line is NC is a tool, not a lifestyle.