I LJBF'd Chantal

[Santos]

OK guys, well I've been posting about this girl (Chantal) with a BF. She's been saying how much she likes me and things. We've known each other two weeks and she says she likes me a lot but is confused. She complained that she's been wanting to leave her BF. Called me everyday, wanted to see me everyday.

Anyway, so I didn't know what to do. The advice I got was LJBF her before she did it to me.

Well, today took a horrible turn of events. I phoned Chantal this afternoon to talk. She told me that one of her BF's best friends committed suicide last night. This is obviously very serious, and the a**hole in me thought "crap, now I'm screwed".

I feel bad that it was the first thought that crept into my head, but it did. Although I do feel very sorry for the guy, I know how these things happen in the final year of highschool. I've told her to give her BF my condolences.

Well, I feel crap. I meet a great woman, she has a BF, and now her BF is going through a bad time and she has to be there for him. I understand fully, but can't help feeling hurt. Well despite what has happend our phone call was fairly relaxed and friendly.

I asked Chantal if I can see her sometime this weekend. She says she is at her BF house, "How about next weekend?". As soon as I heard these words leave her mouth, I knew she'd lost interest. Or at least, she didn't want to make her BF's life any worse by continuing to see me.

I mean last week she had no trouble seeing me during the week and her IL was high. I asked her on the phone now "Can I see you in the week?" and she's like "Sure, if you like." But I know she would have offered it in the first place if she wanted to see me.

So I call her back a couple of minutes later and I tell her, "I've been thinking recently. Me and you have a good thing going here, we get on really well. I know you're confused at the moment. I think it's better that me and you just be friends. It would be a shame to ruin things between us."

I added a little C & F, saying "I'll just have to control myself so I don't jump on top of you when I see you."

She said, "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing." Then she said, "Maybe later." What she meant was "Maybe me and you can get serious in the future."

I'm not sure where her IL is now. But I know she must be there for her BF. The fact that she wanted to schedule NEXT weekend shows me her IL as dropped (she used to want to see me everyday up until today) or her focus has shifted.

I guess I've left a good impression though, I mean she seemed very interested until this all happend. Also, I may have been too available. At least now I'm a "free agent". I said I wanted to see her during the week, which was a bit too desperate. I don't think I'll arrange to see her, although I'll certainly give her a call and see how she is. If she wants to see me, she'll let me know.

I invited her to a 21st in the first week of August, so at least I still have a date.

Well guys, I really thought "this one is it!", I thought this was going to be my first REAL LTR! We get on well, and she's a great gal. It saddens me that this whole situation has arisen. But at least I LJBF'd her before she did it to me. I think If I had tried to push her at a time like this I most certainly would have been friendzoned.

This all shows that she's a decent person, and isn't going to break it off with her BF at a time. I feel like an complete **** for still feeling upset about it. I feel like I was still a little too insensitive.

Man I need to go out there and approach, I've never really done approachess before. Kind of hard when you feeling down.

So guys, what do I do now that she has been LJBF'd? How often is it ok to see her/call her?

Thanks
Santos
(recovering from his new case of one-itis)

 

[The Real Deal]

" So guys, what do I do now that she has been LJBF'd? "



Exactly that.

 

[vdk]

Recovering? Doubt it. You are still clingy to this gal and hoping one day she will choose you. Throw that thought away and use the bible to PU OTHER WOMEN!!!!! You should cut all contact if you really want to move on.

 

[El Campeon 56]

Forget about any of this second guessing you are doing. You made the correct choice with giving her LJBF's. Nice move. Now all you do is dissapear from her with the direct contact. Make sure she sees that you are having fun and you aren't too far removed from her. But if the feelings and connection you have spoken about are really there she will feel the void you held in her heart and soon come back to you once her bf is more stable. Stick in there and don't show her your feelings anymore. You were doing that borderline with the "I'll have to keep myself off of you comment." Instead you should have told her, "Now that we are just friends, you're gonna have to really restrain yourself from trying to get all over me next time you see me" and then smiled. That is much better ****y and funny.

 

[Jay26]

Hmmm.... I'm not a fan of the whole 'LJBF her first' idea.

I mean it can backfire! Yes you get the small satisfaction of doing it to her rather than her doing it you, and maybe it might spark some interest in her, but... it can backfire... I mean she's say 'okay', you say 'okay' and that's that right! Only that's not that! you still like her!

Then again, if it backfires there is probably no interest there to start with, so no loss.

I think as opposed to LJBF this girl you should have gotten more forward/agressive round her, you know, show her your sexual side, kino her, be more C+F, obviously she ain't totally happy with her guy so you could probably do it if you were good (but don't be direct in your approach).

The one or two times I did have one-itis in my college days I ramped up the kino and C+F bigtime on my supposed girl 'friends' and was able to convert them to real G/F's pretty quick (In all honesty I think the kino did it) but it was a bit of work. Point was, I had to show them my sexual side, convert the way they looked at me so to speak. It worked though (and yes they had LTR BF's, total chumps they were to).

So I guess I'm saying I'd have simply switched the dial on the sexual tension meter to 11 But what you did is okay, might work. I'd forget about this girl though and go out into the world and learn to PU. I think that's the hurdle you need to overcome atm, not this girl.

 

[El Campeon 56]

Jay, good idea on the sexual intensity. If Santos could have turned it up initially he may have excited her to the point where she would throw caution to the wind and tried to experience a fling of passion with him. But, based on the fact that her IL appears to have waned past the point of no return, i doubt that there are any options left but for Santos to maintain some of his dignity by LJBFing this chick first. That shows to her that he is a man that has enough value of himself to move on when it's just not working and isn't going to stay around and grovel until this girl comes around to the point that he is at.

 

[Santos]

I actually was very sexual around her and her interest was high. I made my intentiosn clear, and she knew what I wanted. She even admitted that she wanted me. Then this happend.

Well, time to move on. This girl will make a great friend, but I'm aware that I need to meet a new woman first, that way I can REALLY be friends with this girl. We really do share a bond, we've become really good friends in a matter of weeks, but now I don't know if it'll ever be sexual. Thankfully she is only around a 6.5 on the looks scale, so it will be easy to find someone better looking.

I actually like the fact that's she's creative/intelligent. And enjoy talking about evolution, religion and other things. Maybe she really could be a friend, but I will only explore that option once I have truly moved on.

I thought I was a little insensitive about the whole thing so I sent her this text message:


A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.

written en route to the funeral for his friend, Ronnie Van Zant of the band, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

I don't think it's AFC given the circumstances. It's just I felt bad asking her if I could see her when it obviously wasn't appropriate given that her BF's friend had just committed suicide. I hope she'll see that I do care with that message.

Oh well, life goes on. At least we're friends. I am still uncertain about being friends with women. I mean it really is nice because they listen easier and are more understanding than male friends. And Chantal and I have a lot in common and a lot to talk about.

But if they're attractive? I guess it's only dangerous being close friends with attractive women when you don't have other women you are pursuing and you allow yourself to think that there is some hope in hell that she'll ask you out.

I guess the better the DJ, the more likely he can successfully turn a HB into a true friend.

I feel really sorry for Chantal, but what more can I do?

Santos

 

[El Campeon 56]

Yeah it definitely was a difficult situation. Sometimes things like this just arise. That text message really had value to it, my only deal with it would be it seems like you are putting a seal on the new friendship plan of action, as if in the future there is no possibility of anything else. As for being friends with women in general, I don't really get around to it. Girls i meet originally as friends turn into more than that and those that i am not attracted to i typically do not become friends with in the first place. But having girls for friends does wonders for social proof, so it's not such a bad deal to have them as strictly buddies.

 

[One on One]

I think you've done the right thing. Really, she's got a lot of baggage right now, but I think she is very interested in you. I would minimize contact with her and wait for her to come to you because I believe that she will once she gets all her problems settled. In the meantime, go meet some more chicas!

 

[Ronin I]

Personally I think you're putting WAAAAAYYYYYYYYY too much thought and effort into a woman you've only known two weeks (and also has a freakin' boyfriend )

 

[Santos]

Originally posted by Ronin I
Personally I think you're putting WAAAAAYYYYYYYYY too much thought and effort into a woman you've only known two weeks (and also has a freakin' boyfriend )

Yeah, you're right. Thing is I don't meet that many women to begin with. So that starts all the oneitis stuff.

Maybe I am exageratting how well we get on. It's hard to tell with my emotions clouding my vision.

I am also feeling crap cos' pretty much all my friends are hooked up now, it's my birthday (had supper with my mates last night) and all my friends are with their girlfriends tonight. So they don't see the need to go clubbing anymore, and I miss that. I am stuck at home, by myself. Feeling sorry for myself. Sucks

It's getting harder to meet women cos' I'm with the same crowd and we're doing boring stuff like movies and dinner cos' my friends have GFs. So no new women are coming in. (Being shy it's easier for me to meet women trhough friends).

Anyway, this is the second time this year that I've hit a slump because I didn't have anything to fall back on. I'm not going to let this happen to me again. It sucks way too much.

I have decided not to let myself have no other options anymore. Oneitis is just ****. I hope to have a list of numbers of women I can call. I realised how useful this would be tonight:

I have a number of a chick I met online last week saturday. She goes to a uni near mine and she sent me her pic, she doesn't sound to bad. I used a lot of C &F online and she gave me her number.

I didn't call her the whole week, but I was feeling ****e about this thing with Chantal. So I called her up and had a chat, she wants to meet me and I will probablly arrange to meet her at a club. But I couldn't tonight, so I said I'd call her again some time.

As soon as I hung up the phone I felt a lot better. It's amazing how something so simple helps. Of course the effect wore off after awhile and I started thinking about Chantal again. But I'm pretty sure if I meet another woman an start dating her I'll feel better.

So I'm going to start doing approaches and build a list of numbers that I can fall back for when I get oneitis again.

Thanks for your honest opinion
Santos

 

[Ded_Skin_Mask13]

I agree also...only two weeks! from that story you just gave us, it seemed like you've known her for a couple of months or something...It seems like even though you have LJBFd her, you truly done that in your heart or emotions.........Its only been two weeks and you are taking this s*** way too seriously.

So what, if that guy has had his friend die its his fault for not being able to suck it up and go on with life...You shouldn't feel too badly about it. As far as the chick goes, why did you still invite her to a 21st??

and this this right here:

I really thought "this one is it!", I thought this was going to be my first REAL LTR!

wtf? with only two weeks of knowing each other...whatever YOU need to get REAL!

You still have a lot AFC tendencies in you that you need to work out.. Good thing you stopped this mingle with the chick because if you two were to actually go out or get some how further or more than friends than it would most likely head for disaster so letting things go before is a sign that you are improving.

Don't take things seriously or have high prospects or hopes about any chicks..especially if it has only been two weeks! Don't worry about LTRs either, the more you think or strive to have or keep one, the more likely it will fail....

plus it seems like she is high maintenance, and you were illusionised into thinking that she was the ONE=ONEITIS..

if she goes to that 21st, GREAT! But since you LJBF'd her don't try to do anything "non-friend" like on her. YOU ARE JUST FRIENDS, and afterwards MOVE ON!! NO MORE FUKKING AROUND WITH HER!!!

 

[Santos]

Thanks for the wake up call guys!

The irony is, while I've KNOWN her for two weeks, we've only been going out for a WEEK (Been together 5 times all in all). We have spoken on the phone EVERYDAY (mostly her doing) since our second date. Once I actually sat down and thought about it I realised how pathetic it was. In fact, I wouldn't be suprised if I scared her off with all the attention!

Well, I've learned a lot. And I need to work the approaches and try get as many numbers as possible to stop this from happenng again.

Also, I'm very inexperienced with women and socialising in general. I spent most of highschool playing quake and being friends with ONE dude. Didn't even talk to women. Sad, I know.

I've done a lot since then, but I'm emotionally immature. I'm 21 mentally, but emotionally I'm still a 16 year old boy - learning the ins and outs of dating. Learning things I should have learned years ago.

Each time I meet a woman, I get oneitis. But this has only happend 3 times in three years. How many women have I actually MET and LIKED in three years? About 5. How many have I tried to get involved with? THREE!


My biggest problem with women is that I don't meet enough! LOL!


I mean this one I met now, I actually did pretty well (apart from getting involved emotionally and being too available). I used C &F and neg-hits effectively. I wasn't afraid of being sexual around her, or using kino. She was about ready to leave her BF until this all happend.

I am proud of myself for having come this far. But the road of the DJ is long. NEXT PLEASE!

Thanks again!
Santos

 

[Santos]

I'm offended, this is in the HS forum? Was it moved here, I did I post it here?