I just had an epiphany

[backbreaker]

Okay my GF and BFF and her BF and I are on a lunch date at this mexician joint.

There is a woman, a particulaly famous woman who I and others think is just so adorable. I wont' say who becuase of undisclosed reasons and that will dirill my point.

well, she's married. But if she weren't married and I weren't about to be engaged, I'd make a play for her.

anyway my point is the story. This guy has, the other guy on the date, has an ovbious crush on the girl and his GF teses him about it. So the guy says "she'd never go for me anyway" And Hell i've said that before in the past but for some reason, guess because I was bored.. I started thinking about what the guy said... So I ask him about 5 mintues later after deep thought..

hypothetically speaking.. why wouldn't she go for you?

He says "because she can have any man she wants"

So.... What's stopping you from being any man?

And mind you .. this guy is not an don juan or anything but he's not crap either. he has a decent job, drives a decent car, lives in a decent neighboorhood, is in above avg shape.. I mean, if Iwere a woman, I ouldn't jump his bones or anythig, but there is nothing about him that would I considr a turnoff.

To make a very long story very short, he doesn't feel he brings enough to the table to date this woman..hypothetically (his GF was not that pleased with the conversation,b ut damnit i was on a mission here)

And even that is what I would call "red tape". What exactly is "enough".

Ovbiouly he brought enough to bright his current GF in his life. she's not bad looking at all. a solid 7.

Then i dont' know how.. but all the peices just randomly fit in my head. I asked him.. "what do you want to bring to the table". He thinks he should be farther in his career than he is. He doesn't think he is very interesting (no hobbies outside of spending time with his GF) He doesn't feel he is in the best shape

he coud be in. He has too much debt.

And there was my epiphany


we don't compare ourselves to women that we wish to date, we compare ourselves to our expeications that we hold for ourselves.

To me this was like the epiphanies of epiphanies. I just sat there and basked in myself. Adnt he more I thought about it the more I knew I was right.

I'd talk to the girl. Than again, I'm very happy with where i am in my life.

It's how the guy who inherits 10 million dollars can think that the girl working at starbucks and going to school part time is too good for him. Just becuase he has 10 million dollars, doesn't mean he's iving up to his expecations that he holds for himself. The girl that works at starbucks might be doing so.

I happen to know the womans' husband and he's by no means rich. But I know he had a goal in his life that what he wanted to do for a living and I'll be damned if he didnt' do it.

Even deeper.. when I was playing the field and I felt good about myself, I didn't go around with my HB chart and compare what I am to what I thoguth she was and act accordingly. When I felt good, the best out there wasn't good enough. When I was starting to slack on my weight and becoming very lazy, een though I had all this **** and i talked a good game, I didn't not feel I was good enough for anyone.


The best thing you can keep doing for you game isn't working on being ****y and Funny, it isn't uping your wardrobe (although it does help) it isn't even going out and talking to 500 women. It's doing the best you can to live up to the god given abilities that you have.


Say you grow up in a home like mine, where you are drilled into you the morale of hard work, that a man is supposed to be a provider. It's drilled in and drilled in. To the point that his is a part of my core set of beliefs. A man to be considered deseriable has to have something to provide to a relaitonship to be considered a good man (doesn't mean spending money, big difference).

I can work on all the outer **** all day long. If I have no car or no apartment / house to bring a girl back to, even if I get a damn girl, I wouldn't be able to keep her beuase myself and my inseurities will do everything possible to ruin the relationship becuase deep down I don't feel I deserve this woman I'm with, beucse it doesn't matter how into me she is if I don't like me or accecpt me.

 

[trent81]

Yeah, if you don't have your place, job, or the basics, it's hard to bring anything to the table. You have to get those things first, then your confidence naturally takes a boost, and women come to YOU like the plague.

 

[backbreaker]

NO. that's not quite it. it's a little deper than that. see I put some real thought into this.

Tae the white trash skank from the traler park. When I was an addict (activly), I knew a cople of girls like this that were well.. white trash, no job, no ambitions but to smoke crack, skeem off of people and **** as much as possible.

You couldnt explain to me how her self esteem could be higher than he woman working a full time job and making a very nice salary.

it's becuse their expecations of themselves are different.

It's not JUST the car. it's not JUST the house. it's the fact that you personally think these things are important, yet you dont' hae them.

It's how some fat people are able to talk to women, while guys like me, who isn't close to 10% bodyfat, still do this day catches himself in the mirror after e eats a little too much for dinner and plans for an extra 30 mintues of cardio the next day.

what we expect and hold important are totally different. for me being in shape is a the very top of what I think is important. I can BS myself and look around and say " man i'm about avg size or in better shape than that guy" but it w=oudl be BS. Util I hit my personal goals for myself, I was always subconcious. And as soon as I got a 6 pack (it wasn't the 6 pack per say, but that was my goal, I wanted one) it 's like doubts in my game just disappeared. I accecpted me and liked me with a 6 pack. I did not think I was bringingenough to the table when I din't have one becuase I expected to have one.

the fat guy that is happy probably doesn't think it's that important, and looksat me a nd laughs that I work so hard on my body.

If you think that having a college degree is imnportant and you don' have one, you will be sub concious until you get one.

If you think that having a great credit score is importnt and you have to put a 1000 deposit to get a damn cell phone, you will be subcious utnil the credit is fixed.

For me it wasn't so much finances ironicy as it was my weight.

 

[trent81]

I don't know about you but at 32, a job, a car, an apartment, and the natural basics are important for my confidence. It makes me succeed with women. If I am broke and don't have my life together, then why would I even look for a woman? I would want to better my life. My expectations of myself are that I should have the basics at this age, if I don't, I don't want to chase women until I get my **** together.

 

[zekko]

Nice epiphany. I really think you're onto something.

I might even take it a step further. For the most part I think I've met my expectations, but I don't think I've reached my POTENTIAL. I've really exceeded my expectations, but I know I could do/could have done better. And that does make me feel insecure. Problem with this is, you can always do better. So there isn't really a scenario where you are totally satisfied with yourself and what you've accomplished.

But I agree with your basic premise. If you know you've let yourself done somehow, then that translates into problems with your inner game, which can affect the kinds of women you think you deserve. It's a fairly brilliant concept, I have to say. Question is, how do we take this knowledge and turn it to our advantage?

 

[Zunder]

OP is definitely worthy of Hall of Fame.

 

[Zunder]

Zekko - we can use it to our advantage just by using it.

 

[backbreaker]

Nice epiphany. I really think you're onto something.

I might even take it a step further. For the most part I think I've met my expectations, but I don't think I've reached my POTENTIAL. I've really exceeded my expectations, but I know I could do/could have done better. And that does make me feel insecure. Problem with this is, you can always do better. So there isn't really a scenario where you are totally satisfied with yourself and what you've accomplished.

But I agree with your basic premise. If you know you've let yourself done somehow, then that translates into problems with your inner game, which can affect the kinds of women you think you deserve. It's a fairly brilliant concept, I have to say. Question is, how do we take this knowledge and turn it to our advantage?

really all it is is a reinteration of something pook has been saying for as long as I have been thinking about it.

the closer your dreams are to reality, the more confidence you have in yourself

to answer your last question, even now yes ther are some things I want to do. And I am trying to do them. I would love to win the kentucy derby some day. I dont' think i'm a loser be cuase I have not yet won the kentucky derby.

the best way I can describe i s this... at some point when I grew up, and I imagined myself talking to women, it was not ME at that time I imagined talking to women it wasthe guy that I thought it woud take to get these women, talking to women. does that make sense?

It wasn't the 22 year old, overweight, no real hobbies, tempermental Backbreaker that I saw.

I always imagined this guy in tip top shape, the guy that had a nice house, knew he was leaving the scene in a very nice ,car the guy that knew he could not give any woman that much time becuase he ran a business and bcuase of that he could take it or leave it.

The guy I envisioned was smooth, not ****y but sure o himself and knew he had more to offer than anyone lse in the place.. a quite confidence.

 

[backbreaker]

Nice epiphany. I really think you're onto something.

I might even take it a step further. For the most part I think I've met my expectations, but I don't think I've reached my POTENTIAL. I've really exceeded my expectations, but I know I could do/could have done better. And that does make me feel insecure. Problem with this is, you can always do better. So there isn't really a scenario where you are totally satisfied with yourself and what you've accomplished.

But I agree with your basic premise. If you know you've let yourself done somehow, then that translates into problems with your inner game, which can affect the kinds of women you think you deserve. It's a fairly brilliant concept, I have to say. Question is, how do we take this knowledge and turn it to our advantage?

really all it is is a reinteration of something pook has been saying for as long as I have been thinking about it.

the closer your dreams are to reality, the more confidence you have in yourself

to answer your last question, even now yes ther are some things I want to do. And I am trying to do them. I would love to win the kentucy derby some day. I dont' think i'm a loser be cuase I have not yet won the kentucky derby.

the best way I can describe i s this... at some point when I grew up, and I imagined myself talking to women, it was not ME at that time I imagined talking to women it wasthe guy that I thought it woud take to get these women, talking to women. does that make sense?

It wasn't the 22 year old, overweight, no real hobbies, tempermental Backbreaker that I saw.

I always imagined this guy in tip top shape, the guy that had a nice house, knew he was leaving the scene in a very nice ,car the guy that knew he could not give any woman that much time becuase he ran a business and bcuase of that he could take it or leave it.

The guy I envisioned was smooth, not ****y but sure o himself and knew he had more to offer than anyone lse in the place.. a quite confidence.


I have a GF as everyone here knows I am really into and I assure you she's that much into me, if not more, simply becuase when I met her, I basically was THAT guy.
the closer I amto that guy the more I like myself and the more I like myself the eaiser time I have with woman.

When I started my business at 19, my first one, I EXPECTED myself to be well off. I personally would never have confidence in women if I was not successful financally.. now listen to what I'm abou to say, not beucase I think that women think it's important, but becuase I put alot of empheisis on it in my personal life, on being fnancially successful and if I'm not I would consider myself to be a failure.

I know I CAN stay in great shape, so I expect myself to stay in great shape. not becuase I think womenthink it's important (I do) but becuase I know that if I get overweight it's nothing else but e being lazy.


It's a difference between what you see yourself as, and what you think is important. Like i said, I see mysef winning the kentucky derby one day, but jsut beucase i haven't doesn't mean I am not going ot be successful with women


I think I shoud bring certain qualities to the table and when bring them, when I match u with them , I will be successful with wmen.

I'm rambling but I'll give an example. When I was 21 I had met my firt long time GF. at the time my business was just then booming. I had lost 30ish pounds and was in good shape, I had nice clothes, I was driving a 98 Lexus SC400 that had about 15 grand worth of customizations to it, I kept money in my pocket, my crib was laid. I say that, to say, I KNEW, no thought.. .KNEW beyond a resonable doubt, that this girl who I was seeing, not datying yetbut we were going on dates an ****.. was ****ing her ex BF of 6 years. knew it.

I remember thinking. I'm the ****. I bring alot mor ethan he does to the table. I don't even think i posted it here that I Knew. I didn't need any advice. I just kept ****ing other women. I was so sure of myself at that time that I told her I knew and i didn't care becuase I know what I bring to the table and that she does too.

And that drove her so wild that she stopped ****ing him, even stopped talkig to him (this I know for a fact as well) and late told me the only reason she was doing so was to try to get back at me for not stopping seing other women while i was seing her.

I post that to say... let's say I wasn't as financialy secure as i was. I wasa little bit ot of shape.

I can tell you verbatium what woud hav happned first of all there would have been no other altes going on.

she was lying about why, I know that, she still liked him. she would have ****ed him and I would have came here on one, and I would hve just KNOWN damnit I kew I wasn't good enough for her. I dont know what I was thinking. Then wouldhave started looking at myself and the things I'm not happy with and magnifying them.


even if I managed to stay stoic and keep her aroud, te rest of the relationship would have been me guessng if she is or in't cheating now, not becuase I hink she's a hoe or anything, but becuase I don't think I'm good enough to keep her.

When you dont' trust your GF what you are reallysaying 9 out of 10 times isyo dont'thnk you bring enough to the table to be the only man she' getting the pipe from.

I've let my GF take my car and go clubbing with her friends.. and literarly, think nothing of it. once I remember he had too much to drink and called me and stayed ove a friends house. Not once did I thik she was out ****ing some other guy. Beucase she'd be an idiot and if she's that stupid I can easily find a replacement. She even even brought it up a couple of weeks later.. its like she was waiting on a response that never came and that made her happy. She said " you really trust me dont' you".. of course babe..

there is nothing in my life that I look to right now and question expecation wise. Had I just lost a job or put on 20 pounds, and she started calling me her ittle teddybear (That's the death march guys) and she stayed out all niht I would have KNOWNshe was getting some ****. and I wuld have ran her off.

 

[backbreaker]

I also want to clairfy that you can talk to a girl and not have met your epxecations and still get a girls number or even date a girl. you can HAVE met your expecations and still get rejected.

But how you view yourself will determine how you handle the outcome.

If I have not met my expecations of what I expect myself to have, than any little thing I'm going to be looking as she must see something wrong. she needs to call her friend.. she must mean some other guy.she's ging to run an errand means she is going to get some **** from someone else. I went go to play put put golf with some friends means I went and got som ****.

there is nothing woman can (that he views as an actual catch tha is) cando or not do to soothe his self conciousness. Everywhere I go, there I am.

The woman In the OP. the reason she wa brought up was becuase she was happen to be sitting aobut 4 tables away from us. Let's say I didn't know any better and I went and talked to her. I by no means think that it's a given that she would talk to me. She might not be into black guys. She might not be into me period. But when I get turned down, I can accecpt it for what it is and not beat myself up and say "well you knew she wouldnt like you, you don' bring enough to the table" meaning that you aren't what you want to be, what makes you think she will want you