I have SERIOUS mental issues

[dice]

Hi, I'm basically going to try to write years of pain into this one post while not sounding like a total wussy afc and keeping it short. I am unable to have long-term relationships with people male or female. I've mastered confidence which is the first step. My problem comes in when I speak.

I feel like I have no personality, but years of reading psychology books in hopes of solving my problem has taught me that I DO have a personality. When I try to let it shine, I feel like I have a warped sense of humor. Poeple call me weird and I am always asking questions in small talk. I got a job as a waiter in an attempt to cure myself of this but I just stopped talking to my coworkers because I bore the heck out of myself (and the other people) with bad conversation. I was like this in high school too and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I just lost the first girlfriend I ever had because I would get so nervous talking to her because I knew I had nothing good to say. Eventually she started seeing me as a wuss despite the masterful act of "world is my oyster" confidence I portrayed.

This is a stupid dumb problem to have but it has become the center of my life purpose. I know I have a mental flaw in relationships but i don't know wtf it is and I feel I've tried everything. I know I am not retarded or anything. I have everything going for me, I'm good looking, able to control my emotions and my states, have a good job and a nice car, and I make a great first impression. I view myself as a naturally happy person as happiness is a choice. The problem comes in when people get to know me. I've tried "act as if" but my conversations still suck. I've tried not even acknowledging that I suck at conversations. I still bore myself.

I've analyzed my thought process to death and what I've come to is that my flaw is with my inventory of things to say. Where most poeple generate thoughts that are funny or "normal" to use in social situations, I come up with nothing or some warped comment. I feel like im pulling the trigger to a gun with no ammo.

The upside to this is that I have no fear of rejection or sense of embarassment from trying to cure this problem. I've gone to many parties where I would eventually just end up not talking except for the occasional comment and looking like a lunatic. I've lost all my friends and my girlfriend of 3 weeks because I bore myself and them. Regardless, I am still happy because I know once I get over this obstacle I will be able to have it all.


My question: Where does IT come from? That thought in your head that you just KNOW is the right thing to say (not the perfect thing because no1 is perfect, but is "socially accepted" and you don't think twice about saying it). I can play the nice guy to a tee but when I try to be myself and let myself out there I come up with nothing of quality. I'm constantly immitating those I see in life or in movies that I view as social masters and this gets me far but I want to BECOME a social god not act like one. All the immitations have turned me into a master manipulator which I don't want to be.
Thanks to anyone who replies. I've learned so much from this site already and I trust you guys for solid advice moreso than any book.

 

[locarius]

Dude it sounds like you may just need more social experience. You can't get that from reading books about being social, or imitating social settings from movies. You have to go out and be social.

What do you do for fun? Do you have any interests that others might have in common? Join a hockey team, improv league or some other 'normal' social thing. You will make more friends and you will start to see what social normality is.

 

[thefonz]

I think the question you should be asking is "Where am I going?" Not "Where do my problems come from?"

I used to think like you but I dug deeper and realized that my negative thoughts were illusions......everyone in high school called me stupid and retarded cus I use to make alot of weird descisions and obvious mistakes. I grew to realize that I was only doing these things cus everyone around me was calling me stupid.....and I believed them. So the cycle just continued with me believing for about 10 years that I was stupid. It wasn't until the last few years that my stupid mistakes and idiotic descisions were all rooted in anxiety that had spun out of control. I've recently started controling it and my life has taken new direction. My GPA is a 3.5 and I'm taking one of the hardest majors in my school (Clinical Lab).

I basically attribute my success to the philosophy of working hard at whatever I'm doing while focusing on controlling negative or obtrusive thoughts. Am I any smarter than I used to be.....NO, nowadays I just think more logically instead of emotionally about things and I simply TRY HARDER. You my friends are a life-philosophizer and that is a depressing existance......how many people philosophize about life when they work at a full-time job?? Not many, cus you've got **** to do.

Basically I'm what I guess what I'm trying to say is don't waste so much time thinking about things that don't matter. Learn what your habits ARE (doesn't matter where they came from) and don't et yourself up for failure by comparing yourself to people who are really good at things you suck at, what good is that? I got a really bad pain in my ear so I'm gonna stop there........

 

[tmpgstx]

You're trying to hard for one thing. When you start speaking you're having another conversation in your head (Hmmm. what should i say next? I wonder if what i said was well taken .. etc.).

I know guys that have absolutely almost 0 personality - all yes and no .. can't even program a VCR (or DVD player now). These guys have really good-looking decent girl-friends. Some are even chunky. You can't say it's personality either, because i've heard and watched these guys talk (very simple minded).

Don't fall prey to your insecurities .. they'll beat you everytime, especially if you're an analytical and critical thinking/minded person.

 

[DinoCassanova]

I don't think you really have any deep-seated mental issues, per se, at all. This sounds like a problem that I've heard a lot of very good very big-name actors have. Val Kilmer for instance. Robert DeNiro was another I once heard this kind of thing about. Al Pacino. These are people who get so deeply into their roles, prepare so much for them mentally, physically, etc etc, that , when they're not acting, they're not sure "who" they really are. In a way it sounds like you're a born actor, of sorts. You said you imitate. That's , essentially, acting. You make yourself into something you're really not, modeled after someone you saw on screen or in real life or wherever, but underneath that "mask" , you feel like there's nothing.

The mistake in thinking here might be twofold. Firstly, underneath the "mask(s)" which you may (or may not) wear when you're in social situations, there IS something. That something is in fact your real self. So , if you can try to get more in touch with yourself, that would help. Think about who you really are, what you're really like when you're not "on guard" in a social situation. What are you like when you're by yourself, or with close family for instance, whom (I assume) you wouldn't be the least bit uncomfortable around?? We all occasionally take on personas of either someone we're mimicking on purpose (out of admiration, for example some character we saw in a movie or something like that) or if it's someone we hang around with a lot, we pick up alot of their ways; that's pretty common. But there's always something underneath. That's our core. No two people have the same exact core. The spiritually-inclined call that the "soul". It's what makes each person uniquely alive. I guarantee you're not "soulless".

Secondly, it sounds like the other part of your mistake in thinking MAY be that you're simply being too harsh on yourself. Who's to say that YOUR comments or conversation, when you're not mimicking someone or whatever, is "worthless" ?? Has anyone ever told you that your comments or conversation are strange or "warped"? Or "useless"?? You might just feel that way, but it's not true. You see? Probably you're just a quiet kind of guy who needs to practice more social interaction (force yourself if you have to ; at first you probably will have to). Just basically relax, have a drink if you can ( if it helps you; it helps most) , learn to ask questions with a genuine interest in the answers, and then conversation just sort of "flows" from there. That's the way all people do it. There really IS no "It" (to use your term) , no "right" thing to say, or "right" way to act. I don't think anyone on any web site can really teach you how to always say the right things, or have good conversations w/others. But I would just say relaxation is important; keeping your wit sharp (people generally love to laugh) is important; and thinking about (appropriate) things that are going on in the news (or in the world in general) to bring up when the convo slows down is also important.

 

[Caldus]

Wow I have the same kind of problem. I never open up to people because I have these thoughts that I just seem very strange or warped by other people when I show my true self. But I think that's just me believing that when it isn't true and yet I'm still always "on guard" in social situations by instinct. It sucks, but hopefully we'll get better at this stuff. Guess it's a matter of doing the opposite of what I usually do: think too hard about everything.

 

[Life-Trainee]

I'm the same way. I have to hold back my personality since I have tendency to say things at the most inappropriate times. I can be rude without realizing it. I have emotional disconnect to cues that "normal" people recognize. I can sound cold, harsh, mean and inconsiderate when I have nothing but good intentions. I have to put conscious effort to control my actions. This gives me a realistic fear of rejection.

Over the years I accumulated personality "chops" from other people and I use those consistently. That gives at least an illusion that i'm not a complete weirdo. I sometimes even use the same language as my mimmic personality to the point that people say "Huh, you talk like <insert name>".

But this faux personality is not consistent. Under stress I revert to myself.

 

[seanchai]

Your problem isn't that you have nothing to offer; it's that you're AFRAID to offer what you have. When you say things that people perceive as weird, it's because you're uncomfortable saying them. You really can say anything as long as you're congruent with it, but if it scares you to do so then you're going to come across as really creepy. You repress what you might want to say before it gets anywhere near your tongue, so you can only offer blah conversation. The blah conversation scares you and so you drive people away from you so you don't have to engage in it.

I know this because I've begun to develop it a bit myself. I have some people I haven't seen in forever coming over in a few minutes and I'm afraid I won't have anything to say. A few months ago, I was the most comfortable guy in the world in social situations and now I have episodes where I can't get comfortable at all. I know mine came from deeper personal issues tied to my perceived value as a person, and I'm working on those now. Think about a similar issue that might be in your psyche and where it came from and what you can do to get out of it; it might help a lot.

Also, tons of boring-ass dorks have friends. I'm sure you're a pretty normal and cool guy with this one unfortunate hangup. Therapy would help you a lot, dude, and so would FORCING yourself to engage in conversation. Even pushing through the blah conversation with people everywhere you go would make you more comfortable at least saying those things, and then you can move on to something like storytelling - all the "weirdest" people I know have awesome stories and I'm sure you do too.

It's all in your head, man.

 

[dice]

When you say things that people perceive as weird, it's because you're uncomfortable saying them. You really can say anything as long as you're congruent with it, but if it scares you to do so then you're going to come across as really creepy. You repress what you might want to say before it gets anywhere near your tongue, so you can only offer blah conversation.

This is true for many people but not my situation. Working in restaurants for years has made me comfortable in any situation. I don't fear rejection nor do I feel embarassment. Any nervousness I feel comes from my belief that I'm going to say something warped and that makes me push people away after awhile. I speak with the utmost confidence, I've even been told by people "you're really confident". However, I am continually called weird or say things and people go "okaay..". This is why I ask where does the "inventory" of things to say come from because when I reach in mine I find nothing.

For example, sometimes I steal things that other people said and it is perceived completely normal, but when I say things I think of it is (not all the time, but alot) perceived weird. I get no real joy from interaction because of how boring conversations are to me, that is if im not being taught/told something of use.

 

[booga]

Originally posted by Life-Trainee
I'm the same way. I have to hold back my personality since I have tendency to say things at the most inappropriate times. I can be rude without realizing it. I have emotional disconnect to cues that "normal" people recognize.

What you are describing here are the classic symptoms of a mild form of autism called Asperger's Syndrome, in which the part of the brain that greases social interaction is not up to par. Most of us hackers have this to some degree (most famously, Bill Gates). This trait makes us notoriously unsociable & gruff, but it also allows us to have the laser-beam-like concentration that you need to write good code. (Hackers are capable of levels of concentration that "normal" people don't even know exist, which is why we need to work at 3 AM when the world is silent. Noisy interruprions feel like your brain is in a blender) It is really hard to pin down: research is ongoing & conclusions are constantly being revised, & there are "degrees" of autism. But if you are one of us, you will have to study social interaction & body language like you're studying the foreign language of an alien species.

The good news is, you can do this. Plus, your curse comes with a blessing: you probably have the potential to be a really good hacker, physicist, mathematician, etc. (This goes for Life Trainee & the OP). This condition is not rare (there are a lot of hackers, you may have noticed) & you're not abnormal or nuts. Just learn to work around your weaknesses.

 

[wowiehowie]

I don't remember if you said that you are funny or not. Maybe, try learning some jokes. Try watching some comedians. Watch how they can grab an audience and basically do what they want with them.

I know what you're going through. I've never been interested in most things that my contemporaries were interested in . You know, like talking about football stats ad-nauseum. What the latest crap being peddled by the music industry is , or heaven forbid any conversation of significant substance.

From what I'm gathering from your post, is that you're basically a thinker. You know, you are probably "inside your head" alot, right?
Dude, basically what you need to do sometimes is "just kinda shut your brain off" and just listen to what is being said and try to interject at appropriate moments.

With women, it can be and usually is worse. Remember, don't think so much, don't analyse, and try to dumb it down for the ladies!! That's what they know and appreciate.

 

[booga]

+1 for what wowiehowie said. Most women are not intellectuals & don't what to discuss big ideas. Save the philosophy for your professors.

 

[oakraiderz2]

The upside to this is that I have no fear of rejection or sense of embarassment from trying to cure this problem

If this were the case, there wouldnt be a problem. I used to be like you, i always thought people were stupid and talked about inane stuff. But you have to deal with it. Every conversation isnt going to be deep and have thought provoking value, but they will have value in their own sense. When youre in a group, watch how others act, watch how they talk and how they direct the convo. Watching will give you some ideas on how to do things. Basically just chill and have fun.

 

[DinoCassanova]

Over the years I accumulated personality "chops" from other people and I use those consistently. That gives at least an illusion that i'm not a complete weirdo. I sometimes even use the same language as my mimmic personality to the point that people say "Huh, you talk like <insert name>".

But this faux personality is not consistent. Under stress I revert to myself.

>>> Yeah but really everybody (or almost everybody ) does this kind of thing , at least to some extent, whether they realize it or not. I don't think it's in any way indicative of the presence of any kind of mental abnormality or disorder. Some people have weaker personalities than others, and at the same time are absorbent like sponges. They take in others' (perhaps slightly stronger) personalities, characteristics, etc, even down to exact ways of speaking, and in time make them their own. People like this would be great actors, I would be willing to bet. You could put them in a room with the person they're supposed to portray, let them spend the day together, and by that night they'll be acting a lot like the other guy. But still, that in no way means that these kinds of people with "weaker personalities" are in any way less unique or individual than everyone else. No one is a hollow shell. Everyone has a "self" that they probably need to get to know and get in touch with better.

 

[Bible_Belt]

adrenaline sports and travel

 

[dice]

okay let me ask this question, what is the focus/thoughts when the ball is in your court to speak ?

 

[Capitol39]

Originally posted by dice
okay let me ask this question, what is the focus/thoughts when the ball is in your court to speak ?

Don't be so concerned about your own thoughts. Instead, keep your focus on what the other person is saying.

When "normal" people are having a conversation, they're not thinking about what they're going to say. They do what psycologists call "free-associating". For example, let's say somebody mentions something random like school busses. The other person will free-associate "school bus" with his/her personal experience. (eg. When I was riding the school bus in first grade I remember the kid in front of me vomiting out the window of the bus on the way home.) The other person will then comment back. And this will go on and on. The conversation flows.

Notice that there is no logical progression. Conversation is about sharing emotions, opinions, finding common ground. It's not like writing an essay.

My problem is that I've always been so damn logical. I had to practice free-associating, but my conversations are smoother now.