I have a major self-esteem problem

[ernie_C]

Guys, i think i'm going to cut off my d!ck and start living as a homosexual. I'm a biggest fuking loser piece of $hit in the world. I have no confidence, shy,and very, very, VERY self-consious. I always feel short (i'm 5'10), i always feel EVERYONE, i mean EVERYONE is bigger and better than me - i always feel inferior around people. I just started college 3 weeks ago, and i've already missed more than 10 days of classes because of my fuked up self-esteem issue. I don't want to go anywhere if i'm having bad hair day, i don't want to get out of the house if i don't look good enough. It's like i'm living my life for other people. I know i should be going to school and meeting girls but instead i'm stuck in my room and complaining, looking at porn all fuking day. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of being shy, reserved and feeling inferior.

Please someone please shoot my dumb stupid ass!

 

[Starman]

where does your self esteem problem come from?

who has made u feel inferior?

you sound like you have some serious work to do on yourself..

#1 Stop putting yourself down..NEVER again say anything bad about yourself

#2 5' 10 isnt short (Im 5 10 and I say SO!)

#3 BUY the book SELF ESTEEM by McKay or read Psychocybernetics

#4 if you are in school..go see a counselor to talk about improving your self esteem, (ITS FREE)

#5 STAY away from people (including family members who dont validate u as a person) and ONLY hang around people who have good things to say

#6 Send me $50

 

[divega]

5'10" is not short. It's average, and be happy about that. That's coming from a 5'7" guy here.
My suggestion is to read the tips here at this site, and to take a glance at the DJ Bible.

One thing, accept failure as a first step towards improvement, and also, DO NOT expect a total change over night. Fixing your self esteem takes time. I used to have a problem, and I'm definitely tons better now than I was before. My biggest problem before arriving at this site was that I expected changes to happen quickly. I would be confident for one day, and then the next, I would do something which would ruin my mood. And then I'd be disappointed in myself, and just figured that my lack of confidence was just the way I am.

I look back now and realize how much of an idiot I was. So just take your time, and work on your confidence little by little. If you want change you're going to have to work for it. There's no easy way out on this one. I realize that I have a long way to go before I achieve what i want, but despite that, I'm willing to work for it.

And like Starman says, don't talk bad about yourself. Do the opposite, and trust me, you're not lying to yourself. You're looking at yourself in a clearer, and better light. Sure i don't know you, but you have already showed us that you're ready to get better. For one, you are aware of the problem (Huge step here), and second, you're here. So get reading, working, and developing. Because seriously, it may be hard work, but it is one of the few things that keeps on getting more fun as you go on.

 

[icepick]

Ahem...

STOP LOOKING AT PORN ALL DAY!

Stop playing video games, watching TV, etc.

Maybe your lack of confidence is deserved? Maybe you really don't have anything to offer anyone else but your "presence"?

Jeez, even if you think you should be out chasing girls all day, you are still living for someone else. Hell, who wants to be chasing women all the time now, really?

You have to start making something of yourself. Start reading some books or something; something interesting that can spark some thought in that brain of yours. Catch up on the news, that can always keep a good conversation going. Take a class or two that doesn't have anything to do with your major; something that you take to educate yourself on something interesting. You need to get some substance, something you can stand for, and live for. In other words: How would you utilize yourself ideally? Put a plan into action to accomplish this, because you are only screwing the world when you watch porn/play video games/watch TV all day, every day. (Of course, you don't have to be a "workaholic", that is just as bad; it is a balancing act.)

Even better: go out and do something interesting! Only if you feel up to it, I know you ain't going to go out with other people if you feel so down about yourself. You need to do a little introspection it seems.

Starman's advice seems good also, except, you should send me a fifty!

 

[an X there]

Ernie. You're not gonna get anywhere putting yourself down. I don't want to feel pity for you man. Nobody here does.

C'mon dude, start the DJ Boot Camp and start a journal. You have to change, nobody will do it for you.

I found this quote and I just found it amazing:

"Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little of his despair over his fate... but with his other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins." - Kafka

 

[Pecker]

Starman, awesome response. I concur...

ernie, you need to see that counselor and spill your guts to him/her. Together you will trace back and uproot your feelings of inferiority. They are really just feelings, and not the reality. In reality you are every bit as good and worthy as anyone else, if not more so.

 

[bp1974]

Wow, you really know how to beat yourself up. And that's ok, it's what you've learned to do. It's great that you can see that things aren't right, and that you want to do something about it.

So now, you need to take a step that's comfortable for you. Arranging an appointment to see a counsellor would be one very good step. If that feels like too much, how about contacting your local counselling center and asking them questions about what they do. That's a smaller step, but just as positive.

If the thought of taking a particular step feels like too much, then you need to think of a smaller step. The important thing is to find steps that you can do, and do them. They all add up in the end.

 

[WWFC]

Mate

At some point you have got to say FUK IT and start living for yourself

Do the journal and bible

Good Luck

 

[Survivor]

Sticky Of The Day.

Its up to him whether or not he wants to change. But lets at least help guide this kid in the right direction.

 

[MrBond007]

I`m a firm beleiver that anyone can become better than others,even if they blew hard.My reasons are simple:

-You have a human body,so does everyone else
-You have a brain,so does everyone else

You see,you got everything everyone has.The difference is your sceme of thoughts.Ideas you collected are you.Change these bad ideas to change yourself.You are your thoughts.

On another note,I do beleive that you can be better than other people in a litteral way.I really mean it.I am better than most people I know and Im proud of it.If they are real idiots,Ill put them down even more.

The reason I wont here is because:

-It would be pointless,you are so down now
-Its on the internet and gives me no fun
-I cant see sad face on the internet

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by ernie_C
I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of being shy, reserved and feeling inferior.

Then STOP living that way.

It really IS that simple! It's amazing how hard a time people have accepting that. Try it.

 

[simplyme]

We are a learning species. As children, when we started to feel miserable, someone (mum) came to help us. Maybe we even used it as a weapon. When mum did something we didn´t like, we just had to start feeling miserable and show it. More often than not it was successful. That is why we learned that behaviour.
I am not clairvoyant, so take what I say with caution, but I think your subconscious has still the idea in it, that if you make yourself miserable enough, someone will come to talk to you about it. The desire for connections to other people can this way turn into something weird: a desire, maybe even an addiction to feel miserable.
Look at the process, how you become miserable. What is the first, second, third... thing you do in order to achieve that state?
Then you can forbid yourself to take those steps. That is easier than telling yourself to not be depressed.
Once you found a better way of getting peoples attention and connecting to them (this forum is full of better ways), the old behaviour will erase itself without you doing anything about it.

 

[Slickster]

Ernie,

The biggest problem right now for you is your missing classes due to this self-esteem issue.

Let me tell you a story.

Up until Grade 7 I lived in a small town. I had known all my friends since Grade 1 and if there was such a thing as being "cool" or the "in crowd" at that age I guess I was doing all right.

Grade 8 was a different story. I moved to a diffferent place. A bigger city. A new school with students up to Grade 12. Well the very first day of school I got my A$$ kicked by some guy in front of all my classmates while waiting for the bus. Well it was downhill for me from then on. I came to school the next day with 2 black eyes, cuts on my face, swollen nose, fat lip, and a pair of glasses that had to be taped back together. I was labelled a GEEK right then and there and suffered all the hardship and self-esteem issues you're having right now for the next 3 years. I was a total loner without a single true friend.

Grade 11. Just as I was starting to make a few friends my parents up and move us to another town. Oh oh here we go again I thought. I showed up for the 1st day of school trembling at the thought of whether or not I would be accepted. However this time I smart enough to realize the power of my anonymity. (sp) Inside I was full of fear and feelings of inadequacy but I played it cool and acted like I was "cool". No one knew who I was! I picked out a few people from the "in crowd" and tried being friendly. To my surprise they were friendly back. A few months later I was fully accepted into that crowd. It was during this time that I realized a HUGE lesson in life.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF TO BE!

At first I was a Geek pretending to be Cool. But it was working! I then began to BELIEVE I was cool. I forgot about all my self-esteem issues. I didn't believe I was that person anymore. I believed in myself. I believed that I was confident. Believed that I was outgoing, talkative, funny, smart. If I did something stupid and people laughed at me. I laughed along with them. I made fun of myself to make them laugh more and prove that I didn't care. I no longer gave a rat's a$$ what anyone thought of me. The funny thing is...NO ONE ELSE DID EITHER. Most people are feeling just like you right now. You might not realize it but they are too worried about themselves and their own self-esteem to even notice you or your inadequacies, bad hair days, etc. The fears are all in your mind. They aren't real.

Grade 12. Just to finish my story. By the end of Gr. 12 I was doing great. Just the year before I was the "new kid" in a school where everyone had known each other since they were kids. Now, I was popular enough to be voted Valedictorian for my Grad Class. Two years earlier I had trouble talking to anyone. At my Grad ceremony I gave a speech to 1000 people! How was I able to change? Simply, I BELIEVED in myself, and didn't give a sh*t about what anyone else thought.

Ernie, you're at college now. Chances are the majority of people have no clue who you are or anything about your past. USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. The advice you've been given above is good. Many will have you believe that this will be a long, difficult, painful journey. And for many before you it was. However, they will all agree that once they made that decision to "flick that switch" in their minds and start believing in themselves.....it was EASY from that point on. Believe in yourself Ernie. If you can't do that right away, then Fake it. While you are faking it you'll begin to see that I am right. Your fear is in your mind. Nobody knows it exists except you. In fact nobody cares. They're too worried about their own problems.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF TO BE!

Believe in yourself Ernie. It's not hard!

JUST DO IT!

 

[Dee-Zy]

Why is this Sticked???

Life is what you make it. NOBODY here can help you.
If it hurts - GOOD. Cuz that's the honest truth. Writing a novel won't help you in anyway.

Consult a psychologist. That's the only 'extra' thing I can tell you.

ok, here's a bonus.

I'd tell you to go get your feet wet - Do ONE thing everyday that scares you. Although I doubt you can do this. Heh, who knows?

Read the second link in my sig. You seem to have nothing else to do so...

 

[raven_82]

You are already on the way to recovery. You've decided that your life sucks and you want to do something about it. And you can take control of your life.

But first and foremost, get the hell out of your dorm room. Try this, right before you totally affirm to yourself that you are going to get out and go somewhere (hopefully classes, but even going for a walk would be a start), watch or listen to something really funny. Try watching Comedy Central or putting in a really funny movie and watching some of it. Now here's the hard part, force yourself to laugh at the jokes. Even if you don't think they are all that funny, laugh. Once you start laughing, your body will think you are really laughing and start laughing harder. Laughing releases some of the really good "brain" chemicals in your body.

Remember, you've got 9,171 guys who believe that you can do what ever it takes to get control over your life.

 

[penkitten]

o boy, we have bunches of work to do with you.

the very first thing that i want to ask you is who the heck is paying for this so called college education? if the answer is you, i want you realise that by missing all those days already you are wasting your own money and time. if you are wasting your parents money they will find out and be upset and the lack of confidence bit is not going to go over very well. if you have a pellgrant then you are wasting every tax payers money and i hope you realise this. do not waste an education on bad hair days because you will regret it when they flunk you out and make you repay the whole amount and have to get a job flipping burgers until you are forty.

so you are not as tall as some guys in a magazine. fek society for making you feel inferior to taller guys. and when you realise that it doesnt mattter how tall you are to be a man then you can get over it. date short chicks. lots of them.

if your hair is that bad, change your style of how you wear it.

keep reading the board here to get some incouragement.
do not miss any more class.

get the heck out there and meet people and socialise.

there are people like me who would kill for the oppurtunity that you are wasting.

if you arent religious, maybe this is a sign to look into some beliefs . if you are religious then just put this in gods hands and ask for him to give you clarity on your confidence matter.

 

[WestCoaster]

Ernie, you've got the resources and support

I'll repeat what the other studs here have said -- and I think it's great that you have this support system, even if it is in cyberspace.

1. Read the DJ Bible and start working on the skills and drills (saying 'hi' to people), etc.

2. Read Book Camp journals from Walden and Tiger Eye and if you can, e-mail them. They really went for it and it appears it changed their life around.

3. Read the articles and Hall of Fame posts from the front page. Those things more than anything helped turn my life around, and I was an AFC for YEARS.

4. Workout at a gym.

5. Go to counseling at your college. It's low-cost or free, depending on what college you're at. Counseling isn't perfect, but a good counselor can shed some light on habits and behaviors and life's obstacles. If it doesn't work, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Finally, and this may sound weird, but you're actually on your way. As someone pointed out, you've recognized the problem. I've got friends in their 40's and one guy who is 50 who have completely given up on love and life and have accepted crappy jobs for the rest of their lives because of low self-esteem. You're ahead of the frickin' game and have the time and resources (DJ site, cheap counseling) and support (DJ's on this board).

This site helped turn my life around. Use it!

 

[Trickster_guy_2001]

You realize there's a problem. That's a first step.

GO TO CLASS. It will probably keep you away from looking at smut.

GO TO CLASS. It'll do some good to be social

GO TO CLASS. Every time you miss a class, you're wasting money.

GO TO CLASS. You'll feel stupid for NOT going just because of shyness. Are you going to let shyness control you or are you going to control it?

I am 5'7. I am shorter than half the freshman in high school, and I'm a senior. I wish I was taller, but there's not a damned thing I can do about it, so I might as well not let it get to me too much.

Tom Cruise is what, 5'5? Michael J Fox is what, 5'6? Will Smith has big ears. So what? Stephen Hawking can't talk and he's stuck slumped in a wheelchair. Did any of these guys avoid things in their lives just because of shyness? No.

I'll tell you what. When you're young, everyone has confidence problems.

I've been rejected by nearly every girl I've ever met.

A girl I was dating cheated on me after 2 months with a married man.

I was abused by my father, and I've got a mother who rarely says 1 positive thing to me my whole life.

I have no job, and almost no money.

I don't have any friends that go outside of hobbies: my christian "friends" won't go to movies with me unless it's a specifically christian movie. I had one person show up to a movie that I had planned for my birthday.


I'm a college graduate from a very tough school, ending with a 3.0 GPA.

I'm into all kinds of unusual hobbies that keep me interested.

My social life? I go out 5 times a week.

Classes? I graduated, and now I'm taking CE classes to get a job. I send out about 20 Demo reels a week, and I've been doing this since January. I'm not sitting on my butt saying I can't get a job!. (I get down about it, yeah. but I do what I know to get a job. At least I'm trying.)

I have 4 hot women in my CE class. 1 of them was rather nasty to me over nothing. Oh well, forget her. I also met a super hot woman and came off quite well in spite of a tendancy to stutter and look down and act nervous. I'll tell you, I have to control huge shakes when I get nervous.

But I belong to 3 churches.

I teach children.

I go to a singles group. And I go to dinner 3 times a week.

I'm much better at talking to hot women. Now, they wouldn't want me in a million years, but it's all good experience. And I'm doing ok, in spite of all the things I have had bringing me down.

So GO TO CLASS. TALK TO PEOPLE. GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. GET SOME MORE FRIENDS. REAL FRIENDS. ONES THAT WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE.

And write stuff out.

Good luck.

 

[Survivor]

Good work, people.

The reason I stickied this post is to remind some of you that there are guys out there that are truly hurting and are sincerely reaching out for help. ernie_C might be one of them.

Yeah I know, a message board can only do so much, but it sure beats some of the crap I've seen on this board lately.

In any case, the day is almost over so I'll take the sticky off.