I hate to do this...

[WhitePimp]

I'm not really one to broadcast my personal problems to anyone but close friends, even on a board, but I'm absolutely fvcking lost and it's ruining my life. It's from a one-itis who I used to hook up with, then I just turned into a needy dork and it's spiraled out of control since. We've attempted to be just friends but obviously that's not going to work. I basically told her yesterday after a brief awkward kiss that I feel a certain way about her, and since she probably doesn't feel that way about me I have to move on from her and staying friends wouldn't be fair to either of us (we were friends before we hooked up for about a year).

We've been hot and cold for a bit now and it's seriously ruining my life. I used to be fun loving, ****y, and interesting, now I'm just a sad, boring weirdo whose friends are abandoning him because I'm too mopey and I'm tired of it. My 24th birthday is this Monday and I am determined to not spend year 24 as miserable as I did year 23.

I need to cut this girl off (I've managed to go a few weeks without contact but she always crawls back and we meet up, and then I get all psycho again), but how do I escape this funk of solitude and fear and neediness and betaness and all around depression? I know I need to get other girls in my life but I have a feeling the issue is deeper than girls and I need to fix whatever the hell's the matter with me first. Any suggestions??

 

[DJDamage]

1) First get rid of the girl.

2) Join a gym and get your energy going.

3) Find some new hobbies that will introduce you to new people and thus you will be making new friends.

4) With your new friends, start hitting the bars and get your game going again.

 

[redzone2t]

dude i am going thru something similar like that right now.
me and this girl who has a boyfriend hook up alot..i really have feelings for her and i know she has feelings for me, but she won't break up with her boyfriend of 4 years...she says she is not the type to leave someone after they been together so long blah blah...and every time we hang out with our friends she trys so hard to make it seem we don't like each other...it gets me so depressed...but we always end up getting back with each other...can someone please snap some sense into me....what would u guys do?

 

[scrouds]

dude i am going thru something similar like that right now.
me and this girl who has a boyfriend hook up alot..i really have feelings for her and i know she has feelings for me, but she won't break up with her boyfriend of 4 years...she says she is not the type to leave someone after they been together so long blah blah...and every time we hang out with our friends she trys so hard to make it seem we don't like each other...it gets me so depressed...but we always end up getting back with each other...can someone please snap some sense into me....what would u guys do?

Me? I would get my own thread.

 

[WhitePimp]

1) First get rid of the girl.

2) Join a gym and get your energy going.

3) Find some new hobbies that will introduce you to new people and thus you will be making new friends.

4) With your new friends, start hitting the bars and get your game going again.

I've actually been doing all of that for awhile now...(well, except number 1 obviously) and I do agree that I need to get my social life in order. I make acquaintances but I never make effort to actually develop those into real friendships. Plus I saw some pictures we took at band practice last night and I was smoking hot on the drums...I looked ripped as sh!t, so that was a huge confidence boost for my self-image.

Good advice though, pretty standard stuff but I pretty much agree with you.

 

[Interceptor]

WP, this happens when we follow a woman.We let her dictate to us our actions and decisions, and so on.

When we follow her moods and whims. When we try to appease her, and when she's not giving freely of herself.
But when one needs that ego boost and that feeling that's craved from a Oneitis, it becomes difficult to let go.

Obviously you have very low self esteem, WP.
Second, the ego 'high' you got from her is more important than your needs being met and your dignity and self respect.
Dont play the hot/cold game with a woman. The best thing to do is to take your ball and leave the court, dont engage with the hot/cold thing anymore.

You need to get deeper into yourSelf. You have lse, so you focus a LOT on your OUTER appearance, but not your emotional well being nor your spiritual, and mental well being as well.

Remember that Oneitis occurs because of the ego needy high we get from her.
Its not reall. And 99 percent of the time, the object of our affections is NOT interested in us. Hence the self torture and neediness and trying to get her and appease her, and follow her around, etc etc...


A true partner wouldnt be hot/cold with you. She would stand beside you and be supportive, loving , caring, respectful and gently honest with you.

And if you truly KNEW what you need in romantic relationships you would not fall for the Oneities trap.
And if you truly had HSE , you would feel much more comfortable with yourself and around women, and have that feeling that you can have OPTIONS. And are not a slave to your desire. AND...you are not at the MERCY of your emotions.

Being truly 'cool' means being able to step back, observe and then RESPOND to the best of your ability.
THIS is the trait you should look into cultivating.
And that kind of man is not a slave to women or his desires.
He ACKNOWLEDGES his Needs/Wants BUT...he is not a slave to them and will not sacrifice it for some hot chick...who in this case is just not that into you.

Another thing that is happening here is that your concern for external gratification and external appearances has left you bereft of deep knowing of WHO you really are, thus, a DISCONNECT to your Masculine instincts.
That part of you that DRIVES you as a Man.

And that Man who is disconnected is disconnected from PASSION.

And Women do NOT respond sexually to a PASSIONLESS Man.

Women do not feel your 'glow' of attractiveness when all you have going on for your life is your obsession with her.

So you must DO. You must BE. You must make decisions on HOW you will live your life. And that requires Vision, commitment, dedication, an internal compass, and Passion. You must have AMBITION.
Without passion you cannot have AMBITION.
And a man without Ambition is bascially neutered in the eyes of women.
It just doesnt spark their attraction, thus, no INTEREST in you as a sexual partner and as her "MAN".


Ultimately most of these symptoms occurs due to us not having a strong vision for our life, not having a strong sens of Self, thus, knowing our VALUES, and just not feeling self love and self worth.

"I cant do any better so I'll just withstand the emotional abuse from this chick who I've made into a "Goddess" in my mind and she's not even attracted to me. But I need this feeling, because Im addicted to it."

Not so pretty , is it??

Something is going on here since you mention your drumming.
Typically, if you have passion for that, you arent that easily steered off course.
However, the PROBLEMS arise, and they are UNAVOIDABLE, when we PRETEND it is our passion and do it for 'looks' and adulation, recognition, and attention....which is at the end of the day...pathetic. It is all about EGO gratification, which is actually deadly, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

So you may want to take a close look at your real motivation for playing the drums.
I hope this isnt the case, but this drew out a HUGE red flag here in your account.
People who have passion, dreams, ambition, and VISION just dont really succumb to these ego driven neediness circumstances.


And not looking into solidfying friendships sometimes may actually mean a sort of insecurity covered up by arrogance. A superiority complex covers up an inferiority complex often enough.
So sometimes making ourselves believe that others are beneath us and not good enough for us is really just us trying to hide ourselves and inadequacies.

I hope some of this may be helpful to you.
Good luck.

 

[eaglez1177]

1. Get another girl into your life, someone better than this one-itis, and keep yourself occupied with that girl.

2. COMPLETELY REMOVE any chance of ever getting back in contact with your one-itis. That means remove from cell, remove from email, remove from facebook, myspace, and remove any material item or thing that could ever possibly remind you of her. Trust me, if you go full out and completely cut her out of her life, you will be fine. Dont answer any of her calls, texts, messages, anything. Act like she isnt even there.

 

[Allurre]

Find another girl as a replacement -- and yes, remove all sorts of contact you may have with her. Move on, focus on other areas of life you're passionate about.

 

[WhitePimp]

Interceptor, that was beautiful man. You actually hit the nail directly on the head. I haven't been LIVING at all. Just obsessing about this girl and it's making me hate everything in my life and hate myself. I'm insecure and hate who I've become when I used to be a self-loving ****y SOB.

I've been making huge steps to improve, even since my last post. I've been working my ass off to finally get a better job, making some new connections, getting back into some of my passions outside of music like rock climbing, computers, biking, etc (music is still my dream, but when you've been doing it for 15 years straight, the passion sometimes is harder to keep...but nevertheless, it's still my #1 love).

I base all of my worth and value off of this girl and I just can't and don't want to do that anymore. It's not me...it's like a fake, gay, weird AFC version of me. I'm unlocking the real me again though, and your post really opened my eyes...so, thanks.

 

[Interceptor]

WP,
Im glad my post helped you.
You are definitely on the right track.
And Im actually really impressed and grateful that you are in a teachable enough state to accept my thoughts on your situation.
A lot of guys are too stuck into their whole ego self image crap, instead of growing and building their own 'battleship' for Life.
Dont look at these challenges as unsurpassable mountains.

WP, every single problem in your life, all our lives, is merely an opportunity to FACE ourselves and SEE who we really are there ...in the moment.

Every problem is an opportunity to compete with yourself and test your manhood and see if you have the balls to handle these circumstances.

THAT is how you grow in confidence.

In Self ESTEEM.

AND SELF ASSUREDNESS.

A lot of guys mistake these things and just go the "I dont give a fvck." route.
But thats all fake. A fake persona. With just layers and piles and piles of sh*t on top of the TRUE you underneath all that insecurity, crazy beliefs, past trauma, mental and emotional blocks, and you name it....

The true , Masculine man DOES give a Fvck.
but the guy WHO CANT HANDLE IT does everything he can to continue to DISCONNECT himself from his feelings, and others' feelings.
Thus, doing everything he can to not feel the repercussions and consequences of his choices and actions.

And that way, WP, is plainly....FVCKED.

We will bring TONS more pain and suffering and drama and people who are disgusted, repulsed, hate us, etc...because we so strongly want to disconnect.

But we continue to disconnect from our MASCULINE INSTINCTS that way.
We continue to move further and further away from our TRUE Selves.
And again, that way is FVCKED!!
When we move away from our Masculine self, we disconnect from everything that NEEDS our masculine gifts. When we disconnect from our feelings, we become disconnected to everyone and cannot relate to others, thus, making matters worse in ANY kind of Relationship. When we disconnect from our feelings, we will NOT know what we want from life. Thus, opening the door to things/people/places that WE DONT WANT IN OUR LIVES. You can be tricked, fooled, confused, you name it.
Case in point, Oneitis chick.
She dont want you, but you wanted her...bad.
Why?
She didnt give you what you wanted, much less what YOU NEED as a MAN.
As a Human Being....



Being genuine, congruent and ALIGNED with WHO you really are, know what you REALLY REALLY WANT, know what you NEED, admit it to yourself, and move towards THAT, not away from all of it.

Not knowing where you are means you cannot GO where you WANT TO GO.

And , , MOST of our toughest self limiting beliefs are PURELY because there is some sort of DISEMPOWERING Notion that is STRONGER than Reality.
(ie. "I cant have that woman, because I dont have a Ferrari or whatever. Im not worthy of her. I dont deserve her. Im just going to forget about having a good woman in my life, etc etc..")

What does that really mean?

It means that we are basing outcomes on our lack of Life Skills in that particular area or circumstance in our lives.

ie "I dont want to look bad in front of others, so I'll stay away from dealing with this."

What does that tend to do?
It makes us keep making decisions out of fear and out of inadequacies.
So we keep living this tiny life in a small box. And we wonder why we're so Goddamned miserable if we have opted out of dealing with 'too much drama'.
Can you see where Im going here??

We as Men have the gifts to go forward into a situation and OWN it.
We have all the capabilities and potential we need.
But what we often lack is the farsightedness and Vision, and motivation and DESIRE to face that part of our Lives and ourSELVES.

If you were drafted into the military , you would have full confidence you would be trained to be a Soldier. It wouldnt cross your mind that you wouldnt have that training. You would then look at your motivation to fight and survive. The training would be taken out of the equation.

So now, let's go into our daily real life.

IS there anyone to "TRAIN" you?
Is there anyone out there motivating you , inspiring you, mentoring you??
NO?
Welcome to the Club.
Most of us dont really have someone like that in our lives.

So what does that mean?

It means that ALL THAT...........HAS TO COME FROM YOU.

You must become the Mentor/Father/Sensei. You must lead yourself to the 'water' and drink...
YOU must place yourself into the situations and circumstances that need your full attention and maximum arsenal of life skills and fully APPLY yourself then in the NOW.
Does this make sense?
So do we engage the 'enemy' or not?
DO we run, or do we face them?
"Well I dont have the skills!!!"

Well then...BUILD THEM.
You owe it to yourself and you have a responsibility to do so.
We need to now have a different perspective on how we VIEW our lives.
How we view the situations that challenge us.
How we deal with the challenges.
How we build the skills to deal with them.
How we gain in strength and motivation to deal with them.
How we no longer will serve FEAR, and make decisons out of fear and our inadequacies anymore.


I hope this helps as well.
Let me know if you need any clarifications too.