I HATE Oneitis!

[Serg897]

This woman continues to drive me insane, and its my own damn fault for keeping the hope alive. We dated last month, the relationship started off highly sexual and we had some great sex several times, but then I gradually lost the frame thanks to an AFC reversion and her interest dwindled. Ever since then I’ve attempted to back off and minimize contact hoping she would come back – she hasn’t.

I happened to run into her last night out dancing after no contact for 2 weeks and we had a good conversation after a nice dance – I put my arm around her and asked her if I’d get to see her after the holidays. She said yes she would call me and asked questions about my availability. Sounds good, but now it just reignites these crazy @ss feelings over what might still amount to nothing. I feel like she has already rejected me by going cold.

I fvcked two other women this weekend, one of which is crazy about me. Hasn’t helped. She just seems so much higher quality in my mind than these other women.

Im aware that Im b!tching. I know that this is stupid. I know that Im probably wasting my time. I just need the people in this community to knock some sense into me – feel like garbage!

 

[st_99]

its all so silly isn't it? Once you learn not to take anything very seriously when it comes to women, you're much better off. Just laugh to youself about your oneitis. because it is funny.

 

[Racecar]

Oneitis and an AFC relapse? I'm sorry to hear that brother.

Best thing to do is remind yourself of how ABSURD it is to hold this one woman in such high regard. How much do you actually know about her? Are you projecting qualities upon her which may not exist in reality? Unless you two connect on a mental, spiritual AND physical level, she probably isn't as great as you imagine her to be.

I'm guilty of doing this too: compromising the mental and spiritual connection when there is a strong physical connection. Try to avoid this. Start qualifying her to find out more about the person behind the pvssy.

If by some SLIM chance you qualify her and find out you two are compatible on ALL three levels, then it's time to make a move. Take the relationship to the next level and begin an exclusive LTR.

Oneitis is a MAN-MADE creation involving a projected idealized image of a woman based on insufficient information. Once you find out more about her, you'll likely realize she isn't as great as you once thought her to be.

 

[Serg897]

I know a central mantra of this website is that no woman is unique and that none of them are special. I don’t think I agree 100%. Not all women are created equal, and there are certainly those that stand out. Make no mistake: this one is quality. She has a lot of things going for her. Great looks, a great body, amazing dancing skill, confident, intelligent and pursuing a fantastic career, and she is a highly sexual being – she knows how to please a man in bed. It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

She KNOWS all of this and she KNOWS she has options. She is almost certainly seeing at least one other guy. I was not prepared for her and ended up getting infatuated and acting like a fool around her, divulging too much information and always being available. Classic mistakes. I guess there are still some women that even years of reading this website still haven’t prepared me for.

Now I just cant stop thinking about her and it sucks. Oneitis is such a terrible disease - I saw this coming a mile away when I first met her but I still could not prevent it.

 

[st_99]

I saw this coming a mile away when I first met her but I still could not prevent it.

Well, at least you're almost there. Recognizing the problem is a good first step. You could be one of those chumps that is totally oblivious to the oneitis affliction and starts thinking about sould mates and sh*t.

 

[Racecar]

Classic mistakes.

What can you learn about this experience that will prepare you for the next one? Be specific. If there was a certain way she reacted when you demonstrated X behavior, keep that in mind for next time. Take what you can learn from her and move on.

Remember, it's OK to strike out or mess up as long as you're not making the same mistakes in the future.

 

[Serg897]

What can you learn about this experience that will prepare you for the next one? Be specific. If there was a certain way she reacted when you demonstrated X behavior, keep that in mind for next time. Take what you can learn from her and move on.

Remember, it's OK to strike out or mess up as long as you're not making the same mistakes in the future.

Several things I was doing by the third date already set this in motion. I was too eager to call her back. I was inviting her over on the spot just to try to get more sex from her.

The second date ended with me spending the night at her place, her cooking me breakfast in the morning and driving me to my car - it was wonderful and I was eager to return the favor. I fantasized about getting into an exclusive LTR with her even though it was only the first week.

What really sealed my fate I think was me agreeing to carpool with her to New Jersey for thanksgiving - there she had this stupid question game and I ended up foolishly playing along and revealing crucial info about past relationships. This was, Im sure, the final nail in the coffin, because after this car trip was when things suddenly took a turn towards no contact and her being cold.

I am considering now doing something that nobody ever advocates on this website. This relationship is now tainted and Im not sure its healthy for me to continue thinking about this and waiting for her to call. I am considering sending her a concise but truthful message about how Im feeling, that I'd like to go back to what we had before but that I understand if that's not what she wants, maybe even be candid about the fact that Ive been seeing other women and I just need to move on from this. It will solidify this story as done and over with as she will problably respond that we should just be friends, blah blah - then I can move on to seeing other women without having any "what if" scenarios playing in my head with this one in particular.

Let me know if Im crazy with that above paragraph. Im still thinking about this too much - thats the problem.

 

[Racecar]

Serg before you act, I recommend reading Pook's Kill that Desperation

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16926

 

[EFFORT]

Hey Serg, describe the rest of your life.

Describe your hobbies...

Describe your social life...

Career or Career path...

Goals... 1 year, 5years, 10years ?

 

[Serg897]

Hey Serg, describe the rest of your life.

Describe your hobbies...

Describe your social life...

Career or Career path...

Goals... 1 year, 5years, 10years ?

Alright Effort, I'll play along.

Im a graduate student in microbiology at a great research university. Im two to three years away from a Ph.D. - after that I can either work for industry, government, or continue in academia. There are many options. Industry gets you paid extremely well but the job security and the freedom to work on what you want isnt as good - whereas if I become an academic I am free to do whatever I want, eventually get paid well also, yet I always have to worry about grants and funding. I havent decided exactly which direction I want to take yet, but in 5-10 years I should be at another place making more money and hopefully doing something very interesting science-wise.

Social dancing is a big hobby of mine as its fun, generally socially lubricating and helps me meet a ton of people (especially women). This is how I met her. I've been doing it for five years and I'm pretty good - I only hope to keep learning and improving. Im a beer snob and I love to go to tastings and brewery tours. I pay attention to politics and I have very strong beliefs about what is happening - I am also involved in various causes and help out once in a while. I also enjoy hiking/backpacking once in a while to get away from things.

I have many casual friends from different spheres (dancing, school, older friends from other places I've lived...) A few of these friends are very close. I have gotten laid and dated more women in graduate school than at any other time in my life, but obviously that doesnt stop me from getting the occasional oneitis. I've had really bad oneitis cases three times in my life - if you count this one its the fourth, although every single time previously I broke down and went maximum AFC - this time I've been keeping myself in check better.

Serg before you act, I recommend reading Pook's Kill that Desperation

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16926

Thanks for the link man. Always good to keep that in perspective. I've read that post many times in my life and yet when a certain woman comes along it all seems to evaporate...

 

[backseatjuan]

For me, and I don't know why, onitis lasts 1 week.

 

[Serg897]

Its a failed endeavor - anything I actually try to write comes out as some sh!tty, approval seeking, weak AFC move that is sure to evaporate any remaining interest she might have and send her running for the hills. I'm disgusted by what I start typing. I've written stuff like that before and it never ends up well.

At least if the interaction does end this way I come out of it from a position of strength and character - if I tell her whats going on in my mind she will know she has power over me just like every other dude she has dumped in the past. No way.

I just want it all to stop.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

Don't bother sending her some AFC letter. Trust me, Ive been there and done that. I know it sucks man, but time heals all wounds. It took 6 months of no contact for me to get over a previous oneitis. At least you got to sleep with her. I didn't even make it that far.

 

[Rubato]

My responses are in bold. I'm writing this to myself as much as I'm writing it to you.

Make no mistake: this one is quality. She has a lot of things going for her. Great looks, a great body, amazing dancing skill, confident, intelligent and pursuing a fantastic career, and she is a highly sexual being – she knows how to please a man in bed. It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

Serg,

I know we're in the middle of traveling down a similar road right now. One thing we both have to remember is that if we're going to recognize that we have oneitis, we also need to be comfortable admitting that it taints our vision of the world (and women) comparable to high doses of ethanol. If this woman was of such high quality, why are you having these problems with her? If she's so good, why is she essentially throwing The Great Catch away? It doesn't sound to me like she's really all that great of a girl. What it sounds like is that she has a personality archetype that is either fairly compatible with yours... or.... you have unreasonably extrapolated information about her sufficient to construct some sort of vision of who this woman is, and your vision is very appealing to you... but the vision has no solid basis in reality. I did the former in my case.

When guys on here like Atom Smasher talk about why texting can be so disastrous to a new relationship, this is why. We want women to be the ones who create this mental edifices of who we are that is cast in the most favorable way to their personality archetype. As men, we have to learn how to control our emotions better than this! It's fine if we allow women, the creatures driven by emotion, to do this. But as men, we can't mirror their behavior... we have to be men! Do men start falling head over heals in love with a girl when there is no reason to justify it? Even when there is, do real men do this? In addition to what Racecar suggested you read by Pook, I would suggest The Secret of the Jerk:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=17008

I am considering now doing something that nobody ever advocates on this website. This relationship is now tainted and Im not sure its healthy for me to continue thinking about this and waiting for her to call. I am considering sending her a concise but truthful message about how Im feeling, that I'd like to go back to what we had before but that I understand if that's not what she wants, maybe even be candid about the fact that Ive been seeing other women and I just need to move on from this. It will solidify this story as done and over with as she will problably respond that we should just be friends, blah blah - then I can move on to seeing other women without having any "what if" scenarios playing in my head with this one in particular.

Let me know if Im crazy with that above paragraph. Im still thinking about this too much - thats the problem.

Another guy on this board AAAgent advocated something in another thread that might back you up on this:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=190222

He said:

That night i say fvck it, if i'm going to fail i better fail giving it my all and have no regrets. I want this girl and i'm going to tell her.

What you're suggesting does go against a "central mantra" of this website, but just because you break the mold doesn't always mean that the mold didn't have room to break. You have to ask yourself what the results of what you're doing will be, and what they have the potential to do for you and against you.

Like Racecar suggested, I would think about this very carefully. I actually think that as we travel down the road of becoming a Master Don Juan, we'll need things we won't need when we're actually a DJ. And maybe one of the things you need right now that you shouldn't need then is closure. Another thing AAAgent said in that thread was:

or you can just man up and screw what signs she giving you. Just go after her and if you get rejected then you'll know but make her reject you. I spent so much time analyzing the situation and psyching myself out i didn't even know how to approach it. My strategy was always go big or go home.

The reason why I would take some time before you send her something is because you want what you send her to be as least AFC as possible. If you're going to do this, you DON'T want this action to place your pride, ego, emotions, ect on a alter to this girl that you're prepared to sacrifice. There is a dignified way to tell someone that you care for them and there are several undignified ways. I don't know if it's your style or not, but check out the movie American Gigolo on youtube and watch the scene about 18 minutes in where Richard Gere comes on to this girl in a bar and next's her about 5 minutes in to the pickup.

If you aren't able/willing to communicate your feelings to the girl in a way that is not going to be supplicating, degrading to yourself, or anything but empowering to you, you need to wait until you're there. And keep in mind that while you're telling her whatever it is you have to say, the reason why you're telling her. If you're going to tell a girl that you have feelings for her, I would say you should do so through the frame of qualification.

YOU ARE THE GREAT CATCH!!!!

Don't forget that! If she can't see that, she's not anywhere close to as valuable as you think she. If she starts to reject you, go Richard Gere on her and man up to the fact that YOU made a mistake and need to go.

Look at the advice Slickster gave in this thread... it's very good

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=190180

I hope this helps bro. Good luck! We will beat this!!!!

 

[Aaron B]

here's the thing about oneitis:

assume that everything "works out" and she becomes your girlfriend and the two of you enter into an exclusive relationship, and even move in together down the road and eventually get married

the relationship will likely still end

unless you never break up and she dies before you do, you will face a day in the future without her

all that being said, knowing even if it works out in the short term, its doomed in the long term, WHY YOU SWEATING IT SO MUCH?

the sh*t is basically f'ed, no matter what you do!!!

 

[Serg897]

Don't bother sending her some AFC letter. Trust me, Ive been there and done that. I know it sucks man, but time heals all wounds. It took 6 months of no contact for me to get over a previous oneitis. At least you got to sleep with her. I didn't even make it that far.

My first oneitis happened when a girlfriend I had in high school dumped me freshman year of college - I was about 18 or 19. That was one for the history books - crying in front of her, begging her to take me back, writing her long emails, etc etc. That also took me 6 months to get over. A painful lesson I still remember.

Rubato, Im so glad you linked me to that thread - that situation mirrors mine quite well. 2 weeks of no contact and she is totally indifferent. The painful thing is that early on when I had the right frame she was calling and initiating dates all the time. My how things change.

This post from zekko really hits home:

I agree with the others who say she is out playing you.
Mainly because of these three things you said below:

- She has hinted at an extensive dating history.
- She has more male friends than female friends.
- She doesn't call me.

Looks like she has plenty of other options and her interest is low.
You can't really outplay a female who is a good player, just because of the natural male/female dynamic. A woman who reels guys in can get a practically unlimited number of men interested in her.

I have pretty good evidence that the "female DJ" dynamic may be at work here. All of the above points are true. She is about to go to Mexico with a guy she knows who is friends with her ex. She has gone away to visit other guy friends or have had them visiting her. From her facebook I see that she went to a ball recently with another guy as her date. And then I see constant posts from another dude telling her he misses her, asking her how she is doing, etc.

Of course, the fact that I was able to bed her on the first date and she is so good at sex is also evidence in favor of this dynamic.

Plus, she has a "red alert" sound from star trek alarm every night at 9 pm on the dot to take her birth control pills. Ironically, this was one of the things I thought was pretty cool about her at first.

The reality of this is definately changing my perspective.

 

[Jariel]

Well, I can totally relate. Every once in a while a woman comes into my life that really plays havoc with my emotions and my mind. Often enough I find myself thinking about her all day every day, I even get an ache in my stomach from time to time when it hits me that I can't be with her.

It's hard to see this from a positive perspective, but with every case of oneitis I've ever had, I've made vast improvements in myself. I look at myself, try to learn what went wrong and try to emerge wiser for it.

But even more beneficial to me is that my workouts in the gym are so much more intense. I take all the pain i'm feeling and release it on the weights. Hitting the gym when I'm screaming inside makes me feel so alive. I also find that this pain keeps me motivated to stick to a good diet too.

I'll be honest, the whole reason I'm in good shape right now is because of my oneitis experiences.

 

[EFFORT]

Alright Effort, I'll play along.

Your in great shape Serg. Go NC, live the solid life you have, and you'll be fully over her within 6months.

 

[Serg897]

I'll be honest, the whole reason I'm in good shape right now is because of my oneitis experiences.

Great perspective on turning a negative into a positive. Thank you.

 

[big weezy]

so much of this i can relate to right now, with the guys visting her, her going abroad having suspicious male friends etc.

but serg the 1 thing that should be warning signs to you is the whole fact you slept with her straight away and she remember to take her birth control pills at 9pm etc, you're putting too much focus on her sexual prowess as a deciding factor as to your oneitis when you list out qualities that attracts you.

had you said, she seems loyal, intelligent, caring, thoughtful because she did x, y, x for you unannounced and seems to have it together then we'd be agreeing with you more that she's a higher quality girl but you focused more on the looks and sex.

did you find out about her past as in her upbringing? her relationship with her parents, her dad in particular etc.

i think we delude ourselves like delusion of grandeur into thinking that if she has 60% of what we're looking for even tho the other 40% would normally put us off, we believe what we want to believe and skew it in a way that puts the negative stuff in a positive light.

we also start to feel sorry for them in a way and respect them for where they have come from and got to now and ignoring the negative aspects of this i.e. they're bad with money, lots of male friends etc.

i think we also after sarging consistently and seeing so many low quality women we start to believe that's the norm that when we meet a higher low quality woman we start to believe she is high quality.. factor in also lack of options or high quality women to show you that in fact your high low quality woman is in fact still low quality.

i'm sure that must be true, cos we're all trying to get laid and going for lower quality women should in theory be easier that we must get blinded by this.

what you say makes a lot of sense and draws parallels. at least you got to have sex with yours, i haven't. i think i could walk away more easily if i had sex with her just 1 time, cos then i'd feel at least i got something out of it.