I got needy and desperate with the girl I'm dating. Need some help!!

[Auburnfan2010]

Alright I'm 25 and I have been seeing/dating this girl for about a month. She is 21. We had both kind of agreed to keeping things casual for awhile. Everything was going great until her ex had started contacting her. Well I will be the first to admit that I can be a bit insecure and paranoid when it comes to dating. Well I got very paranoid and started overthinking things and I freaked out about it. We then had a conversation about it and I got very needy and desperate. She even told one of our mutual friends that I was desperate. Well she has been contacting me since then but she seems far less excited than she did before this happened. I need to know if I still have a shot with this girl or should I just give it up? Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Ringleader41]

at least you know not to do that with the next girl

 

[joverby]

I feel your pain dude, I'm recovering from being this way myself(I feel I've made MAJOR progress in just a couple weeks with rewiring my mentality). Stick around and actually listen to what the people(most people) here are saying but still think critically about it.

The most important thing you can do at all times in the relationship is maintain the "frame" everyone talks about. That means being truly confident in yourself and the relationship. Because why wouldn't she want to be with you? You're her boyfriend(sort of), he's an EX for a reason.

You need to trust this girl(and future girls) until they give you a really good reason to not trust you. In which case you should probably dump them. But in most cases it's probably just being insecure / paranoid.

More to the general point. It's not good that she said that you were desperate, you must of been doing some really clingy ****. That's OK though because she's still contacting you and hasn't dumped you.

I would focus more on yourself for a little bit (don't put her on the back burner or over do it). Just to keep your mind off of it a little more. I think your actions would speak way louder than any words right now though so I wouldn't try to tell her that "look I was being really needy / insecure" yadda yadda. You need to maintain your confident frame, make sure you aren't overly contacting her(quality not quanity).

Just try to be fun / keep it light. You both agreed to keep it casual, you said that in the first sentence. Yet you are freaking out over some petty ****y after 1 month? Get a grip man, maybe start talking to / flirting w/ some other girls as well to boost your confidence. That always helps me.

 

[Auburnfan2010]

Thank you that is some good advice.

 

[Iceberg]

Here's some stuff I'm curious about:

Alright I'm 25 and I have been seeing/dating this girl for about a month. She is 21. We had both kind of agreed to keeping things casual for awhile.

You've been dating her for "about a month", so why would this even be discussed? I might date a girl for 5 months before I even think about discussing whether we're casual or not. You've already discussed relationship status 2-3 weeks into it.

I'll bet that you're the one who brought it up. I could be wrong. But if you describe yourself as needy, the you'd seem like the type to bring up "status".

Everything was going great until her ex had started contacting her. Well I will be the first to admit that I can be a bit insecure and paranoid when it comes to dating. Well I got very paranoid and started overthinking things and I freaked out about it.

When you're in the early stages of dating a woman, it should be light and fun. If I'm with a girl for a month, I couldn't give a sh*t about if she's talking to an ex, because to me, this girl is just entertainment.

We then had a conversation about it and I got very needy and desperate.

Tip - avoid "conversations" with women at the early stages of dating. There's nothing that serious to discuss with a girl this early on.

I need to know if I still have a shot with this girl or should I just give it up? Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

You gotta try to show less neediness. Occupy your time with friends and activities. See her less. Text her less. Call less. She needs to miss you, and she needs to understand that your company is a privilege.

 

[Auburnfan2010]

Well Iceberg there is a little more to the story. We first met in December and we had a little fling for a couple of months but it ended because we were both kind of busy. So going into it this time we both agreed to be casual and see where it goes. She was giving off signs she wanted more. I know I shouldn't have freaked out like that but it just happened.

 

[sinnerman]

i agree with iceberg. treat her as a source of entertainment. a girl who is serious with you wouldn't be talking to her ex. if she is doing it inspite of knowing you're not ok with it means one thing : she doesn't care. and in that case you need to do the same however painful it is. ive gone through a similar situation a few weeks back and its best to treat such women as source of entertainment.

 

[DCC]

I went total AFC on my oneitis a few weeks ago...started talking about feeling chemistry and all of this jazz via text. Obviously, after three dates, this was insta-friendzone. But she still states she wants to 'hang out' and I'd imagine use me as her pin cushion from time to time.

Well, what did I do? I NCed her and went out with a couple of different girls. Three weeks without talking to me, and she finally sees me at church and started throwing IOIs out like nobody's business. Runs up, hits me on the arm, throws her arms around me... 'why haven't you called?' etc etc...I play it off, I've been too busy.

She calls me in the middle of the week this week and I was too busy...then she started blowing up my phone via texts and I sent a couple of responses to let her know I was busy.

Sunday will be around a month of minimal contact...she begged me to come to her graduation party. I told her I'd try, but I may be a bit late. I got a response 'You can come over any time you want ' so I think I may be back in the money if I don't go AFC again. To make sure I don't refocus on her too much at the party, I scheduled a date about two hours after I 'should' arrive at the party, so I'll have to bail early for another woman.

 

[DCC]

You know, I think oneitis and being an AFC are directly proportional to low testosterone.

I've noticed when I stop working out, I start over thinking things and getting emotional. It's weird, but since I'm out of school for the summer my mind is lacking any stimulation. However when I work out everything clears up and I'm more comfortable, clear thinking, and can confidentally talk to my girl nor care about anything. I just trust her.

Try going to the gym or doing some running. Anything to kick up the testosterone. That really is what helps me the most.

I would agree with this as well. I've honestly not worked out much at all until I realized that if I want to find women that meet my expectations, I need to work on myself. P90X, Cardio, and discipline have made me lose around 30lb in a little over a month. Honestly, I'm more confident than I've been in years. To the point of being ****y.

 

[Auburnfan2010]

I definietly agree with the low testosterone thing. I had been playing a lot of tennis and running some too. But the last couple of weeks I haven't done much of anything.

 

[Auburnfan2010]

Just to give a little update. She has been contacting me a pretty good bit these last two days. She has initiated all of it and she seems to be acting more excited to talk to me now. She is acting more like she did before my freak out. Do yall think that this is a decent sign that I still have a shot with her?

 

[itishe]

It's better than silence/you doing 100% of contact. Don't get too excited over it though, just keep cool and busy.

 

[goldengoose]

get another girl. it is over between you two.

 

[initiatorhater06]

I hate how girls are allowed to be clingy and desperate but not guys

 

[Auburnfan2010]

Well she went the whole weekend without contacting me, so I finally broke down and texted her last night. That was probably a mistake, but she did answer right away and carried on a conversation. I've decided the only way I'll ever have any shot is to leave her alone and let her know I won't be there to string along. My question now is should I call it off saying I'm gonna see other people, or should I just talk to other people?

 

[mahoney]

your problem - in a nutshell - is the fact you think and say this

Well she went the whole weekend without contacting me,

a whole weekend? you are requiring and expecting way too much frequency of contact. a weekend is not a long time, it is totally fine for someone not to contact you for a "whole weekend" - why would she need to contact you unless there was something to actually say or arrange? you need to be able to cope without needing constant contact

so I finally broke down and texted her last night

and then exacerbated here - why did you text her? to tell her something interesting you just thought of? to arrange something? no, you texted her because you wanted reassurance and couldn't cope without constant contact

was the text exciting or fun? go read it again, it isn't is it? so why did you send something that wasn't exciting or fun? because you sent it for the wrong reason.

and was the conversation a good one? if not, why did you have it? for what purpose other than you couldn't cope with one day without a conversation.

how do you think that makes you look?

 

[Iceberg]

a whole weekend? you are requiring and expecting way too much frequency of contact. a weekend is not a long time, it is totally fine for someone not to contact you for a "whole weekend" - why would she need to contact you unless there was something to actually say or arrange? you need to be able to cope without needing constant contact

Haha. Christ. I just re-read this.

I glanced at this thread earlier, and I thought he said the girl went the whole WEEK without texting. But WeekEND? This dude is stressing over 2-3 days.

2-3 days without contact from a girl he's been dating for a month. Not 20 years. 20+ DAYS.

Listen, Auburn. You don't need a girlfriend. You need a life. A couple days of no contact from a girl you barely fu*king know shouldn't matter.

Go hit the gym. Play some sports. Paint pictures...I don't care...Just stop worrying about girls you've only dated for a few weeks. It's embarrassing.

The girl might not like you. But here's the thing...it doesn't matter. She's just a girl. There will be others. And some of them won't like you either. And you won't like some of them. And that's life. But you cant live like this little mouse of a man, worried that his "girlfriend" of 1 whole month didn't text him for a few days.

 

[Auburnfan2010]

your problem - in a nutshell - is the fact you think and say this



a whole weekend? you are requiring and expecting way too much frequency of contact. a weekend is not a long time, it is totally fine for someone not to contact you for a "whole weekend" - why would she need to contact you unless there was something to actually say or arrange? you need to be able to cope without needing constant contact



and then exacerbated here - why did you text her? to tell her something interesting you just thought of? to arrange something? no, you texted her because you wanted reassurance and couldn't cope without constant contact

was the text exciting or fun? go read it again, it isn't is it? so why did you send something that wasn't exciting or fun? because you sent it for the wrong reason.

and was the conversation a good one? if not, why did you have it? for what purpose other than you couldn't cope with one day without a conversation.

how do you think that makes you look?

That is so very true. Although I did come up with some sort of reason to text her. I didn't just say Hey or anything. It wasn't too exciting and fun but it wasn't for no reason. I'm sure its probably over with this girl. But what the hell I'm gonna ask her out one more time. Stupid I know but I can't help it haha.

 

[Auburnfan2010]

Haha. Christ. I just re-read this.

I glanced at this thread earlier, and I thought he said the girl went the whole WEEK without texting. But WeekEND? This dude is stressing over 2-3 days.

2-3 days without contact from a girl he's been dating for a month. Not 20 years. 20+ DAYS.

Listen, Auburn. You don't need a girlfriend. You need a life. A couple days of no contact from a girl you barely fu*king know shouldn't matter.

Go hit the gym. Play some sports. Paint pictures...I don't care...Just stop worrying about girls you've only dated for a few weeks. It's embarrassing.

The girl might not like you. But here's the thing...it doesn't matter. She's just a girl. There will be others. And some of them won't like you either. And you won't like some of them. And that's life. But you cant live like this little mouse of a man, worried that his "girlfriend" of 1 whole month didn't text him for a few days.

So your saying it is over with this girl or there is still a slight chance? Haha. I do have a life and it probably wouldn't be that hard to find plenty of other girls. I just cant get this girl out of my head. She had told her friends that she really liked me but this was before my freak out. But im sure she does still like me a little but I agree that if I keep acting like this she won't.

 

[initiatorhater06]

i hate how *****es, girls don't owe guys anything but it's not that way the other way around