I got a pretty stupid problem... it's pretty pathetic, really... but I'm stuck.

[electro shock]

I asked a girl out about a year and a half ago.

If she would have said no, I wouldn't have cared. I would have been like "okay, doesn't matter... she just wants to be friends, so what? There are millions of other girls."

That would have been my normal reaction. It was the way I used to react when I was rejected. But she changed it.

Thing is...

It's one thing that she would say no. It's another thing that she would feel insulted because I asked her out. She was acting as though she had never been more insulted in her life. And she was mad as heck.

The thing is... I really fail to see how I insulted her. We had been friends for like half a year (met her in august 2003, saw her regularly like 3 times a week until january 2004).

The context? We were taking the train together like we always did when we had class the same day. We used to meet at the station and ride to college together. All I did that day was tell her very casually that I found out about a great restaurant and asked her if she'd mind sharing dinner with me that evening.

Boy, was she steaming. It was like the worst insult of her life. I mean, we were friends and all... it's not like I just walked up to a total stranger and started grabbing her boobs or something. I just asked out a girl I was in good terms with. And no, she didn't have a boyfriend already.

But yet, she was insulted. That just completely killed my confidence. Am I really worthless to the point that just the fact that I would ask a friend out for dinner would be an insult? Boy was that one hard to take. Like being shot in the face with a bazooka.

Her reaction messed me up so badly that the next week I was in a freaking psychiatric hospital. I'm not kidding, I really was. She sent me straight to therapy and anti-depressants for heaven's sake. And now, it's gotten even worse. I used to go to parties regularly and I was a pretty social guy, but then she just killed that. I'm not even able to talk to people anymore. Heck, I can't even be near people anymore because I'm stressed the hell out now. Wherever I am, I feel like everyone's watching me, analyzing my every move, juding me (and drawing a bad conclusion). The feeling is always there. When I take the bus, when I'm walking on the street... I can just FEEL the eyes staring at me, analyzing me... and I'm just blocked. I want to pee but I'm not able to walk in McDonald's and go to the bathroom... I want to go to a store but I can't because I'm afraid that it's closed and if someone sees me opening the door he will know that I wanted to go in the store but couldn't go in because it's closed.

If I talk to someone on the phone, even someone I don't know, even for just five minutes, I can't sleep at night because I'm playing the conversation again and again in my head wondering if I did something stupid. In fact, I must have done something stupid. I can't stop thinking about things like that.

The worst thing is... I wasn't like this before. After that girl nearly killed me I spent months in therapy and all sorts of social re-insertion things. And I'm getting worse. The more I take pills, the more I take therapy, the worse it gets. Now I can't even sit on a chair on the subway because of the terrible fear that an elderly person might walk in and I might have to stand up to offer him/hear my seat. Just the fact that I would have to take initiative socially with someone (offering my seat) is too difficult. If I ever find the courage to sit, my heart starts pummeling my ribcage mercilessly and my throat goes dry whenever we approach a station in fear that an old person may walk in. But I can't stand up before reaching the station because people will think that I stood up because I wanted to walk out in that station but then realized that it wasn't the right station and they will think that I have no experience with the subway and I'll have to pass another sleepless night torturing myself.

So... my question to you DJers... HOW can I get back to what I used to be? HOW can I be able to go back to when I wasn't about to get a heart attack whenever the phone rang and wasn't too shy to answer? HOW can I go back to when I could just walk in a store, take something from the shelves and pay for it without having to hide it because I'm too ashamed that people see what I buy and by trying to avoid eye contact with the cashier, often being so nervous that I drop my wallet on the floor?

What can I do? Is there anything? Therapy and drugs don't work. I'm willing to try anything... I don't care anymore. Do you guys know some good music that is good for lifting your spirits? Not a sad song, something with a good rhythm that makes you wanted to go out and dance or something. I'm a total ignorant when it comes to music... I don't even know the name of any bands.

Or maybe there's something I can read that can lift me up? ANYTHING would help.

Being 21 years old and never have been able to even go on a tiny little date even once is truly sad, really... especially when every single guy I know has had like five or six girlfriends already. At least I used to asked girls out... got rejected, but didn't care because I knew that I could only learn from it and become better. I didn't mind much not being able to get girls... I mean, I was a bid sad but it didn't matter because I knew that I was getting better at conversation and stuff and one day I'll find the right one. I mean, it's not that I NEEDED a girl... I just felt a bit lonely that's all, but It wasn't really a priority. I kept trying to chat up girls on occasions and ask some of them out--and got rejected--but it didn't really matter because it wasn't that bad.
But then, that girl just killed everything. I'm not even able to talk to my parents anymore, I never returned any of my friends' calls because I'm too shy to talk to them and when I do talk to them (even guys) my voice just cracks and I can't form a single sentence. I know it's stupid, but it's like something that just HAPPENS without me having any control over it... my heart just goes boom boom boom and there's no way I can stop it no matter how hard I concentrate, no matter how much I try...

Anyway... thanks for any help.

*bangs head on walls*

Oh, by the way... just to show how pathetic it's gotten. A few weeks ago I went to McDonald's. I made my order, but the guy didn't hear because I wasn't talking loud enough. So he asked me to repeat. My voice just cracked. There were people around. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't control myself and started to cry, and ran out of the restaurant and walked two miles home because I was too shy to take the bus because then I'd have to be near people and probably would have a heart attack before the end of the trip. I've spent hours every night thinking about it, praying to heavens that the people there forget about me and don't know that I exist. Heck, I want everyone in the world to forget that I exist at this point, because they all know how sad I am...

 

[allan976]

troll.

 

[Derek Flint]

This guy is either a troll, or so messed up that the advice here won't help him.

If it's the latter, he needs professional help.

 

[PVSSY-EATER]

well lets not call him a troll, okay.......lets hear him out, he is obviously having some issues guys.

Now I am not Dr. Phil, nor am I Oprah, hehe....but I can tell you this son, is that the mind is the cause of many suicides.

All that being a don juan is, is in the mind.
All that being depressed is, is in the mind.
All that being an AFC is, is in the mind.

what you need to do is change your thinking. I want you to KNOW that you are a man, and for you to embrace your nature and your testerone and believe in it.

Be positive, I dont give a damn whos being negative.
Read the DJ Bilbe to help you out with women and relationships.

But overall, it is your thinking kid....change it.

 

[jprjrjr]

I don't think anyone should assume the guy's a troll. He sounded pretty serious, albeit, quite unbelievable. I do agree in either case, he needs professional help that's far beyond what's available on this board.

If this is truly happening to you, please get help. Good luck bro

 

[Craig Reeves]

OK, first of all, I'm not psychologist, but here's the deal...

Here comes some tough love...

Wipe those tears and listen up....

First of all this girl was not your friend. Friends don't treat people like that. Bottom line.

Why did I say that? Was it to make you feel unwanted? Hell no.....I said it so you'd stop putting her on a pedistal. The girl was not your friend because she didn't live up to the standards of BEING a friend. Got it?

You mention this girl that basically "traumatized" you. But the reality of the situation for you is that this girl didn't traumatize you....your BELIEFS traumatized you, not the girl...

The deal is this.....

I faced this EXACT situation, except mine was actually worse...

I made friends with this girl and everything. Well, I get her email and phone number and a few days later she tells me off, and makes rumors that I'm STALKING her and tells me that she wants to avoid me. Before I know it, girls are pointing at me all around the college and refering to me as "him", and laughing. Me and this girl were friends but she turned her back on me....

However, this DIDN'T traumatize me, because my BELIEF was that what she did was OUT OF LINE. SHE was wrong, NOT me. Bottom line.

In MY reality, there is NO EXCUSE IN THE WORLD for what she did. If she would have done that to me, I would have said, "Well you have about 10 seconds to get away from on this bus and shut your trap. You don't piss on me."

However, you gave her VALIDATION for treating you like crap. You wanna know the REAL reason as to why you felt so horrible when she said what she said to you? It's because you let her approval of you dictate your self worth.

I have not heard you say ONE bad thing about this girl, but any girl who says things like that to people are HORRIBLE people. Instead of letting her actions toward you dictate who YOU are, let them dictate who SHE is.

What you need to do is this.....find this girl and tell her FACE to FACE that she is was out of line and how you don't need trash like her in your life. Never speak to her again and treat her like the dirt that she is. Feel free to spit on her if you wish as well. I would.

Look at what this girl has done to you. Really, look in the mirror and look at what this girl has done to you. Do you REALLY deserve this? This girl damaged your LIFE.

Should you really care about the approval of a murderer?

 

[AFK Protector]

Hey pal, I hear you man. You must be down. Sure, go seek some professional help, because a lot of your actualy situation might get lost through the internet.

But in the meantime, go download "Crocodile Rock" by Elton John. It's a nice happy upbeat song you might like. Peace dude, good luck, and may the Force be with you. Always.

EDIT:

Oh, and did I say the DJ Bible will be with you always too? Top right corner of the screen my man. Check it out. Check out the attitude and get at boost sections first. Read read read. Get out of your current mindset! C'mon you don't need that girl. I know rejection hurts, but look at the bright side, who wants to treat a cold hearted girl like her to dinner, right? It's your time, so find quality girls that are worth YOUR time. It's all about you. DJ BIBLE TIME!

 

[aftershock]

Wow.

This is a self confidence thing, obviously. I'd suggest therapy, serious therapy. We cannot help you here, YET.

You have to stop giving a s**t about what people think of you. Ask yourself, do you care about a random person on the train? Would you care if they got up at the wrong station? No. And they don't care about you do it, either.

And that girl has serious issues.

Good luck.

 

[MetalFortress]

Download the theme song from the TV show Playmakers, and listen to it over and over and over.

You really need to force yourself to do that which you find yourself scared to do. Force yourself to do what you think people will laugh at you for. Forceably put yourself at risk of all that you fear. It will be the most difficult thing you have ever done, but you will emerge from it stronger than ever.

 

[spider_007]

If All those terapists couldn't help you, I don't think any of us here can

but here is my two cents:

You need to be FORCED back into social interaction. That is right, I SAID "FORCED". you can talk to your shrinks till you turn blue in the face, but at the end, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP. And there is no better motivator then "BEING FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES" You'll faill a first couple of times. It's gona be so bad, that your gona want to jump off a bidge. but then funny thing will happen. YOU WILL ACCEPT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. You'll say to your self; "I AM THE BIGGEST FREAK ON THE PLANET, BUT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE", "I AM THE BIGEST LOSER ON THE PLANET BUT WHO GIVES A ****" and then you'll say "I WAS PUT ON THIS PLANET WITH THE SAME RIGHT TO LIFE AS THE REST OF THEM. AND I'M GONA LIVE IT THE WAY I WANT IT AND ON MY OWN TERMS." and that is when the canges start to happen; When you ACCEPT the responsability of YOUR OWN LIFE.

I can't stress that enough: RESPONSABILITY. I'm gona try and explain this You are given the ability to move your arms, your legs, your mouth, to think, to talk, to make things happen. Take charge of those thing. They are yours. You are responsable for them, You are RESPONSABLE things in your life.

You should realize that, (to quote a song): "HER SH1T STINKS TOO." She was born like you ware, she had friends, just like you, she went to school and took the buss just like you, she took a bath every morning (at least i hope ) just like you. She is not different from anybody else on this planet. She is not a godes, she is not a SUPERIOR. here is a shoker; NOBODY IS. Doesn't metter haw much they insist on being special. THEY STILL SITT DOWN TO TAKE A DUMP.

My suggestion is, join the millitary. I personally havent done it, but I don't think there is notting else that will FORCE YOU TO ACCEPT THE FACTS OF LIFE, AND TAKE CHARGE OF WHERE YOUR LIFE IS GOAN GO, NO METTER WHAT.

if you leave this forum with notting remember this; YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO MAKE THE CHANGE, you can talk all you want, but at the end, you have to put it all on the line and say I DON'T CARE ANY MORE. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE AND RESPONSABILITY OF YOUR LIFE. NO ONE IS OBOVE YOU, (except god, if you bolive in him), We are all in the same sh1t hole, they call life. and we all go through the same type of things.

good luck

 

[electro shock]

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice. I'm going to read what you said again and try out what you guys suggested. At this point it doesn't really matter what I try, I've gotta do something to get out of this vicious circle.

Originally posted by MetalFortress
You really need to force yourself to do that which you find yourself scared to do. Force yourself to do what you think people will laugh at you for. Forceably put yourself at risk of all that you fear. It will be the most difficult thing you have ever done, but you will emerge from it stronger than ever.

Actually, this is pretty much exactly what the therapy was centered on for all these months. But it's a very slow process and for the worst cases it seemed as thought it would take years for any progress to happen. The problem was that those activities made it worse for some people because when we're not capable of doing one of the things we're asked to do it makes our confidence worse...
In fact, there was something very rewarding when I was made for example to walk in a 7/11 to buy some chips and succeeded in asking the clerk if he knew where I could find such or such street. Still, the lingering feeling of having "looked like an idiot" remained with me for days afterwards. Nothing so far has seemed to block the heart palpitations and everything that happens to my body and my mind whenever I find myself in front of people.

Originally posted by SmartOne
WOW what is wrong with you man? there is no way all you had to go to therapy and all those messed up things happened afterwards because of a girl just getting really mad that you asked her out. There was obviously something much worse that happened that your keeping to yourself. If your not then you need some serious professional help because i've never heard of a story like that in my life.

It's obvious that the girl is not the ONLY thing. I have a pathological disease, which I painfully learned existed in me long before I met the girl. The manifestation of the disease is particularly serious in me, which leads to the situations I talked about in the topic which most people find ludicrous. I actually had many of this type of problems before (I was unable to talk to other kids at all in kindergarten for instance and did nothing but cry in a corner all day) but I eventually grew to fight my problem and eventually it didn't really manifest itself anymore and I was able to live and function almost like a "normal person" even if I wasn't really normal. According to the psychiatrist, the reason why I was a lot more social and wasn't bothered by those things before asking that girl out was because I had built a strong resistance to the disease that allowed me to overcome the effects without even realizing it. But I still had the disease... in a way it was like if through my childhood and teenage years I struggled to put the lion in a cage. Once it was in a cage, it couldn't hurt me anymore... but the lion wasn't dead. Just in a cage.
What happened with that girl basically destroyed the confidence I had which allowed me to overcome the symptoms in a way that I wasn't even noticing them anymore (thus, opening the cage and setting free the fierce lion in the labyrinth of my soul). Any attempt to find that confidence again so far have been vain.
The problem is that the disease is one that, according to my psychiatrist, cannot in any way be "cured." I'll never be "rid" of the disease. The only thing that can happen to me is to build up the strength to overcome the symptoms... and this is what the therapy was about. The Paxil and other drugs I was given were supposed to give temporary relief but for me they didn't change anything and actually made it worse.

Anyway, that's why I'm asking you guys. At this point, the only thing I can do is build up some strength and confidence... given the type of board this is, I suppose building up confidence is pretty much your specialty. Anyways, thanks for all the help. At this point in my life I'm pretty much ready to try anything to be able to look back one day and be proud of what I did. I don't want to turn 40 and realize that I wasted my entire life, but...

 

[Mr.De Beer]

Damn!

Dude, thats some sad sh!t...I almost thought you where joking the first few lines, but fvckit dude. Shame.
The thing I noticed the other day is this, it actually made my thinking more clear...I thought to myself: "Who the fvck do the people (who make other people feel insecure and ****) think they are???" Dude, dont take that ***** seriously. She probably thinks youre not good enough for, and that she is way better than you are. But heres a little secret man: She's a fvcking woman!!! (And in my view, men are totaly superior...)
So who gives a fvck? Not me, not a DJ, so why should you bro? Screw the pills and doctors, the only change you should make is your mindset. (It should help if you go to gym, and just punch the fvcking daylight out of a punching bag...and hey buddy, cry while you do it if neccesary!) I suggest you stay home a week or so and sort out your mind. And if you need someone to support you, come chat with us.
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Dont confirm yourself to the patterns of the world, but be transformed by the renewal of the mind...
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Good luck man!
Keep us posted.

 

[NewMan]

Did you ever think to ASK her why she was so insulted?

 

[Q-Pid]

I think she was insulted as she interpreted it this way:

"He was only friends with me to get in my panties! OMGWHATAJERKFACE!"

Clearly she was wrong - you weren't.

 

[spider_007]

TO ALL THE CHICKS IN HERE; this is the kind of sh1t we risk, every freakin time we put out selfs on the line to ask you out.

 

[School]

Boy, I feel so bad for you. I think it is all about self confidence. How was your self esteem before this girl? you may have already been unsure about yourself.

I definitely think that talking to a professional is good. But, I think that you should analyze the situation. I think it runs far deeper than this chick. Let's not blame the chick. I don't think you should place your self worth in the hands of any chick. That is basically what you did. And, when she turned you down you immediately believed you wern't worth anything becasue this girl turned you down.
Chalk it up to an experience. There are many chicks out there and I would look at it like it is her loss. any girl with an attitude like that definitely isn't worth the time of day. You sound like a cool and this chick definitely wasn't worthy of you. I wouldn't even wnat her in my company.

But, let's look at it from her point of view. Maybe your asking her out shocked her. She may not have been offended, but shocked that you asked. Regardless, she isn't worth thr thought and definitely should not be seen as the almighty, which is how you view her if you are going to let her opinions affect your entire life.

You are better off without friends like her. You definitely have anxiety issues. People aren't judging you. It is all about self confidence and being sure of who you are as a person. If you were sure before this girl turned you down, you should still be sure. You know who you are. You mentioned not having a Girlfriend yet. This is not important for you. You should learn who you are and what you want and what ,akes you happy first. And, then and only then should you think about the girlfriend. There are plenty out there, and when the time is right, it will happen.

Right now, women can probably sniff out the insecurity that you have. You gotta work on that first. Read some self help books. Step out of your shell that you are in.

But, most of all, don't base your self worth on whether or not you have a girlfriend or if a chick goes out with you. These girls shouldn't mean anything to you right now. You have to love yourself first. If you can't care and have confidence in yourself, who will?