I feel trapped....

[mystic03]

I like a girl at work but she's not into me (asked her out once and she said " I'll let you know" of course she never answered), the difficult part is that she likes to talk to me a lot and I like to talk to her also, I know I have no future, she sends me mixed signals but I really don't want to ask her out again and be rejected. I see her every day, we talk very often and I can't seem to think in anyone else (God damn oneitis!), Im trying to be a challenge but the further I get into it the more I like her. I know I should move on, I just don't know how...

Sugestions....

 

[vitor]

Your already in the friend zone. It sucks but every artilce always talks about and logical says the same thing. "You can't make someone like you or be more attracted to you, She is or she isnt" Sounds like at this point your her good friend and nothing more. Start dating, maybe make up a white lie how you had a great date this weekend, see what she says about it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If you are fixated on the oneitis, and can't focus on anything except getting her, then date other girls for the purpose of making her jealous. This is not the best reason to move on, but it will get you motivated and allow you to turn the powerful and negative oneitis emotions into something productive. Pretty soon you will be asking her to help you choose from the multiple women who are interested in you, and if you ever in your life have a chance with the oneitis it will be at a time like that.

 

[Interceptor]

You may have gotten "zoned". Then again maybe she's a weird girl.
Maybe she's trying to "read" you.
I know you're probably tired of hearing this one but find other women, go out on dates. You'll eventually let it slip out that you're dating other women and she may or may not react to that.
If she doesn't, then you know she's not interested.

 

[PlayerinTraining]

Similar situation right now...

I like a girl at work but she's not into me (asked her out once and she said " I'll let you know" of course she never answered), the difficult part is that she likes to talk to me a lot and I like to talk to her also, I know I have no future, she sends me mixed signals but I really don't want to ask her out again and be rejected...

Sugestions....

I'm in a similar situation.

I had this woman introduce herself to me after a meeting of some association I belong to. She was flirty, and I got the impression this might go somewhere.

We've been emailing and talking on the phone for months now, but our schedules just have not matched up for a meeting. The one time we almost met up, she backed out because the weather was bad (rain). We did hang out in a group with 2 other people, but that did not work out the way I wanted it to.

I've gotten mixed signals from her as well. She used to initiate communication more frequently in the past. I sense that if I had a shot, my time is gone. I'm just not on her radar like I once was. Oh well.

I suspect she is starting to see someone now.

The reality of the situation is that you can't do anything to change her mind. If she does change her mind, she will seek you out.

For your own sake, you have to reduce the time you spend around her. Don't initiate any calls, emails, text messages, smoke signals, ESP, etc.

Don't "call her to the carpet" either. She doesn't owe you a damn thing, and you will look weird for doing it. It is disappointing something didn't work out, but that's life.

 

[jophil28]

Oh well -the vagaries of womankind.??
Do this -
Take her into your confidence as a "friend".

Suggest that she may be able to give you a "female perspective"on a "dilemma" you are having.

Sayto her casually " We are buddies ,right ? I am having a problem with a woman/lady and I would like to run it by you sometime? This will take a lot longer that a half hour lunch chat so maybe we could get together.
Lets do that - what do you think ?"
Do not say any more at this stage.
Women are compulsively nosey/snoopy and envious/jealous creatures. You now need to let the seed of jealousy grow.
Pay close attention to the way she looks at you over the next few days.
If she asks bout WHEN you want to chat with her, make a date for coffee in about 2-3 days. By then she will be BUSTING her AZZ to get the goss.

THis may sound sort of "high school" (and it is ) but ,hey ,you might just trigger her interest from her competitive nature. Women LOVE taking men's attention from another woman. The prize is then much juicier.

Have some FUN with this - you need to develop some 'game' and working with a woman who you want to date is both restricting AND rewarding IF you play the game cleverly.

 

[squirrels]

Either sh!t or get off the pot. You might be surprised.

Question is...she works with you. What's the damage if things go wrong? Do you work closely with her?

 

[Metro3pilot]

Mystic ....

I know it's hard, but don't be afraid to ask her out again ..... I myself would not take " I'll let you know " to be a rejection ....

I have been rejected at work and can't say I remember anyone of those girls who rejected me, seeking me out to have conversations .... in fact without a doubt I can say that pretty much ended all but work related conversation ...

just my thoughts

:rockon:

 

[medicman739]

I hope this helps ,I have been in this type of hell

I have ran in to situation like this a few time. when your in that state of mind, that she is perfect in every way. I have found that if you easy off on her and especially your self. you can step back and get a real picture of what is going on once the fog of lust clears. thou many of my own experience's . I have found that women love to be chased. They keep on running as long you keep chasing.you should pull a 180 on her and stop seeking her attention. If she has even the slightest interest in you. She will start wondering what she did to lose your attention And of course every human has a deep natrual need to liked and loved.so don't get stressed. On the flip side of dating,courtship,a the lovely sport of hunting for a mate or girl friend. set a personal limit on how far you are going to chase this women. she my not want to be caught by you or by any one for that matter there are just to many many game players out there I can speak from experience, on three separate occasions during my early twentys ,Where I had major crushes on 3 different women over a 5 year span, by the end of a this, I was given the same advice ,Stop chasing them like rabid dog. once they realize you are not chasing them ,they may start chasing you. Because you wont be coming of desparet
If she does not start chasing you back, take it as a hint that maybee she was never really as interested in you the same way you liked her,so don't waste your DJ skill .I shoul also ad that by using the reversal method, two of the three women that tried this hard to get game ended up dating me for several years. good luck in your quest:rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :rockon:

 

[grinder]

If you have been on this board for a while you know there are approximately 5000 threads on OneItis. So I know you have read the common and easy advice (i.e. go date more women, spin plates, etc, etc…).

So I will take a different tack.

You ARE Trapped:

And it’s far worse than you realize.

OneItis should legitimately be considered a thought disorder, a type of mental illness that cripples the higher thought processes.

You enter an infinite loop of fixation on one woman.

You are a DEAD MAN WALKING.

It’s a pernicious type of mental paralysis of which you cannot reason your way to freedom.

You must ACT. You can no longer trust your own thinking and certainly not your feelings.

A DJ has two very powerful tools at his disposal that ALWAYS ALWAYS work: Indifference and Scarcity.

Do not cut her off completely, but systematically scale back both your contacts and your response to her inevitable queries as to why you are scaling back.

At the same time you absolutely must force yourself to do other things ANY other things, obviously, with other women if possible.

Your responses are never angry or mean, they are indifferent.

I’ll quote you actual emails I have received from a few I have done this to: “What’s up, I never hear from you any more…”. Where’d you go…”, “Did I do something wrong?”.

My responses are “Busy, busy…”. “Whew, got a lot on my plate lately…” “Hummm?? I had no idea…” “Your sweet…gotta run…”.

The easy part is if they really are not into you they will let you just back off until you give no response. You are then free.

The hard part is what will most likely happen, they will be sucked into the vacuum you leave and begin to pursue you some. What’s hard about this, and this is brutal, is its false interest.

You can generate interest, but if they really have lost it for you, this interest will not last and then you will enter another loop where you pull back, they get interested, you come back, then they lose interest. Sometimes I think this is worse because it gives you a false sense that there is some relationship that really is not there.

The real goal is to pull out of this nosedive long enough to refocus on other women. That is your ultimate goal.

 

[mystic03]

Thank you all for your replys


Vitor: that's the reality, I'm in the friend's zone. You are right, I need to show her that I'm dating to see how she reacts and at the same time I'm sure I will find someone that I like and likes me, but sometimes I get stuck like this time and it takes a little effort to brake with this status quo. Thanks...


RogueWarrior: I understand your advice but I don't think it's a good idea, this could apply to someone I'm dating maybe, also she'll see me as a very insecure man (more than I really am). My confidence isn't really high (I'm working on it) but calling her on I'll be telling her "you know, my confidence is really low but will you still go out with me?" I tell you this because I've had a couple of women tell me this kind of stuff and after that I blow them off without hesitating...

I've tried limiting contact with her but I just don't like it, it just makes things worse, I don't like to play this kind of game, at times it made me think more of her, paying attention where she was, etc...
thanks for your reply...


Bible_Belt: This sounds like a pretty good idea, thanks...


Interceptor: ZONED, JA, there's not better description in so little letters. As the previous replys, the same is here, I have to move on, go on with my life and star dating motivating myself in differente ways.
Thanks...


wjh: I agree with you but it's easier said than done, if this was a girl I see somewhere else other than work I could avoid her, problem solved, but I see her everyday, several times a day... Anyway I'll try to follow your advice and focus my energy on something else. Thank you...


PlayerinTraining: it's funny that you mention that in your situation she's probably seeing someone, as I'm writting this she came to me talking about a movie she saw and how that someone (not a friend or a girl friend) she went with liked it so much so I should see it too. I translate that "someone" as her date. Your right, I need to avoid any unecessary contact with her.
Thanks for the reply


jophil28: I could ask for opinions about someone I'm dating or maybe someone I dated (as if I'm still dating) addresing real problems I had, maybe. I don't think I could "trick" her into going out with me like that, first beacuse I could get carried away and almost certain she will see it my motives... Thanks for the post


squirrels: I did asked her once and somewhat got no for answer, still I could ask again but as I told to playerintraining I'm almost certain she's dating someone so the chances of her saying yes are slim, I could take a risk and ask her out again and rule her out if she says no.
Thanks...

Metro3pilot: you understand me, that's why I can't figure her out.
Thank you...

Thank you all for your replys


Vitor: that's the reality, I'm in the friend's zone. You are right, I need to show her that I'm

dating to see how she reacts ans at the same time I'm sure I will find someone that I like and

likes me, but sometimes I get stuck like this time and it takes a little effort to brake with

this status quo. Thanks...


RogueWarrior: I understand your advice but I don't think it's a good idea, this could apply to

someone I'm dating maybe, also she'll see me as a very insecure man (more than I really am). My

confidence isn't really high (I'm working on it) but calling her on I'll be telling her "you

know, my confidence is really low but will you still go out with me?" I tell you this because

I've had a couple of women tell me this kind of stuff and after that I blow them off without

hesitating...

I've tried limiting contact with her but I just don't like it, it just makes things worse, I

don't like to play this kind of game, at times it made me think more of her, paying attention

where she was, etc...
thanks for your reply...


Bible_Belt: This sounds like a pretty good idea, thanks...


Interceptor: ZONED, JA, there's not better description in so little letters. As the previous

replys, the same is here, I have to move on, go on with my life and star dating motivating

myself in differente ways.
Thanks...


wjh: I agree with you but it's easier said than done, if this was a girl I see somewhere else

other than work I could avoid her, problem solved, but I see her everyday, several times a

day... Anyway I'll try to follow your advice and focus my energy on something else. Thank you...


PlayerinTraining: it's funny that you mention that in your situation she's probably seeing

someone, as I'm writting this she came to me talking about a movie she saw and how that someone

(not a friend or a girl friend) she went with liked it so much so I should see it too. I

translate tha "someone" as her date. Your right, I need to avoid any unecessary contact with

her. Thanks for the reply


jophil28: I could ask for opinions about someone I'm dating or maybe someone I dated (as if I'm

still dating) addresing real problems I had, maybe. I don't think I could "trick" her into going

out with me like that, first beacuse I could get carried away and almost certain she will see it

my motives... Thanks for the post


squirrels: I did asked her once and somewhat got no for answer, still I could ask again but as I

told to playerintraining I'm almost certain she's dating someone so the chances of her saying

yes are slim, I could take a risk and ask her out again and rule her out if she says no.
Thanks...

Metro3pilot: you understand me, that's why I can't figure her out.
Thank you...

medicman739: Great post, I'm going to put things into perspective, look through the "fog".
Thank you...

 

[mystic03]

If you have been on this board for a while you know there are approximately 5000 threads on OneItis. So I know you have read the common and easy advice (i.e. go date more women, spin plates, etc, etc…).

So I will take a different tack.

You ARE Trapped:

And it’s far worse than you realize.

OneItis should legitimately be considered a thought disorder, a type of mental illness that cripples the higher thought processes.

You enter an infinite loop of fixation on one woman.

You are a DEAD MAN WALKING.

It’s a pernicious type of mental paralysis of which you cannot reason your way to freedom.

You must ACT. You can no longer trust your own thinking and certainly not your feelings.

A DJ has two very powerful tools at his disposal that ALWAYS ALWAYS work: Indifference and Scarcity.

Do not cut her off completely, but systematically scale back both your contacts and your response to her inevitable queries as to why you are scaling back.

At the same time you absolutely must force yourself to do other things ANY other things, obviously, with other women if possible.

Your responses are never angry or mean, they are indifferent.

I’ll quote you actual emails I have received from a few I have done this to: “What’s up, I never hear from you any more…”. Where’d you go…”, “Did I do something wrong?”.

My responses are “Busy, busy…”. “Whew, got a lot on my plate lately…” “Hummm?? I had no idea…” “Your sweet…gotta run…”.

The easy part is if they really are not into you they will let you just back off until you give no response. You are then free.

The hard part is what will most likely happen, they will be sucked into the vacuum you leave and begin to pursue you some. What’s hard about this, and this is brutal, is its false interest.

You can generate interest, but if they really have lost it for you, this interest will not last and then you will enter another loop where you pull back, they get interested, you come back, then they lose interest. Sometimes I think this is worse because it gives you a false sense that there is some relationship that really is not there.

The real goal is to pull out of this nosedive long enough to refocus on other women. That is your ultimate goal.

thanks grinder, i just read your post, it's very rich, I'll make another post when I go through it slowly, thanks...

 

[PlayerinTraining]

Good point...

OneItis should legitimately be considered a thought disorder ... that cripples the higher thought processes.

You enter an infinite loop of fixation on one woman.

You are a DEAD MAN WALKING.

It’s a pernicious type of mental paralysis of which you cannot reason your way to freedom.

You must ACT. You can no longer trust your own thinking and certainly not your feelings.

A DJ has two very powerful tools at his disposal that ALWAYS ALWAYS work: Indifference and Scarcity.

Do not cut her off completely, but systematically scale back both your contacts and your response to her inevitable queries as to why you are scaling back.

At the same time you absolutely must force yourself to do other things ANY other things, obviously, with other women if possible.

Your responses are never angry or mean, they are indifferent.

I’ll quote you actual emails I have received from a few I have done this to: “What’s up, I never hear from you any more…”. Where’d you go…”, “Did I do something wrong?”.

My responses are “Busy, busy…”. “Whew, got a lot on my plate lately…” “Hummm?? I had no idea…” “Your sweet…gotta run…”.

The easy part is if they really are not into you they will let you just back off until you give no response. You are then free.

The hard part is what will most likely happen, they will be sucked into the vacuum you leave and begin to pursue you some. What’s hard about this, and this is brutal, is its false interest.

You can generate interest, but if they really have lost it for you, this interest will not last and then you will enter another loop where you pull back, they get interested, you come back, then they lose interest. Sometimes I think this is worse because it gives you a false sense that there is some relationship that really is not there.

I've fallen into this trap myself.

If something is going to happen with this woman, SHE will have to be the one to initiate it. And I don't mean by "hinting" that you ask her out. She will have to flat out invite you out somewhere.

And you will have to play hard to get so well, that she is likely to give up trying to get you after awhile.

Don't hold your breath. Assume this lead is cold, and act accordingly.

 

[mystic03]

I've fallen into this trap myself.

If something is going to happen with this woman, SHE will have to be the one to initiate it. And I don't mean by "hinting" that you ask her out. She will have to flat out invite you out somewhere.

And you will have to play hard to get so well, that she is likely to give up trying to get you after awhile.

Don't hold your breath. Assume this lead is cold, and act accordingly.

I though of this a couple of days ago, assume this is dead and the only way I'm going to know there's something is if she asks me out....
At first I though I was too radical, now I know I'm on the right track, thanks...

 

[PlayerinTraining]

If you only asked her out once...

I though of this a couple of days ago, assume this is dead and the only way I'm going to know there's something is if she asks me out....
At first I though I was too radical, now I know I'm on the right track, thanks...

I re-read your initial post. You stated you only asked her once.

If that is the case, then it couldn't hurt to ask one more time. But the rest of my other comments remain.

Don't get your hopes up. What is likely to happen is that she will say "yes", and then flake.

So even if she says "yes", believe nothing she says until you actually SEE her, at the appropriate time and place.

Action speaks louder than words.

 

[vitor]

I hate to lie or be dishonest but come monday tell her how you went on this blind date that your friend set you up with. Tell her how the girl was very good looking, and make up some job that you think is cool. Then ask her how her weekend was, watch her facial expressions etc. Then the rest of the day smile like its all good.

She is going to be WTF happened to my little Office puppy that i could tease and have sitting around waiting for me as my friend..

 

[MR_PERFECT]

She's taking you for granted. You know what you do in a situation like that? You disappear! Be less friendly; never smile; if she initiate a conversation, you reply and move on. Slowly, over time, you begin to allow her back into your good graces. As this happens, you begin the seduction process all over again, except you never act interested, you act friendly. You LBJ her by your actions: You smile a lot; always make eye contact; you joke; you make her feel good to be around you; you act like you're fun to be around. Never flirt or it puts you right back where you started from. She will ask you out.

 

[mystic03]

If you have been on this board for a while you know there are approximately 5000 threads on OneItis. So I know you have read the common and easy advice (i.e. go date more women, spin plates, etc, etc…).

So I will take a different tack.

You ARE Trapped:

And it’s far worse than you realize.

OneItis should legitimately be considered a thought disorder, a type of mental illness that cripples the higher thought processes.

You enter an infinite loop of fixation on one woman.

You are a DEAD MAN WALKING.

It’s a pernicious type of mental paralysis of which you cannot reason your way to freedom.

You must ACT. You can no longer trust your own thinking and certainly not your feelings.

A DJ has two very powerful tools at his disposal that ALWAYS ALWAYS work: Indifference and Scarcity.

Do not cut her off completely, but systematically scale back both your contacts and your response to her inevitable queries as to why you are scaling back.

At the same time you absolutely must force yourself to do other things ANY other things, obviously, with other women if possible.

Your responses are never angry or mean, they are indifferent.

I’ll quote you actual emails I have received from a few I have done this to: “What’s up, I never hear from you any more…”. Where’d you go…”, “Did I do something wrong?”.

My responses are “Busy, busy…”. “Whew, got a lot on my plate lately…” “Hummm?? I had no idea…” “Your sweet…gotta run…”.

The easy part is if they really are not into you they will let you just back off until you give no response. You are then free.

The hard part is what will most likely happen, they will be sucked into the vacuum you leave and begin to pursue you some. What’s hard about this, and this is brutal, is its false interest.

You can generate interest, but if they really have lost it for you, this interest will not last and then you will enter another loop where you pull back, they get interested, you come back, then they lose interest. Sometimes I think this is worse because it gives you a false sense that there is some relationship that really is not there.

The real goal is to pull out of this nosedive long enough to refocus on other women. That is your ultimate goal.

it's true, I've entered on an infinite loop of fixation, I'm completly aware of that and that's why I also feel like a DEAD MAN WALKING. I'm sure in psicology there's a name for this, I wont look for it to make things worse, it's better to take action.

I'm going to take the advice and tell her tomorrow the date I had on the weekend, in a very subtle way, and also use the 2 weapons you mentioned. And will act indifferent.

Thanks for the reply

 

[DharmaBear]

There are a lot of excellent responses here.

I was in the exact same situation once. I had immediate oneitis with a girl the day she started, and lived with it for 1 1/2 year. We went out a couple of times and then she LJBF'd me. I was MISERABLE!

One day I finally lifted up me skirt, grabbed my balls, and went out to date other girls instead of sitting around thinking of my oneitis at work.

Eventually I got a LTR, the oneitis found out, and she got jeolous. Soon, because I ignored her as much as possible, she got the hint and left me alone. I healed. Then later she quit, so she's no longer in my life.

Best advice is to avoid her as much as you can at work without it being uncomfortable, don't (DON'T!) call her out (because you want nothing to affect your job), and go date other girls.

Worked great for me.

-Dharma

 

[mystic03]

There are a lot of excellent responses here.

I was in the exact same situation once. I had immediate oneitis with a girl the day she started, and lived with it for 1 1/2 year. We went out a couple of times and then she LJBF'd me. I was MISERABLE!

One day I finally lifted up me skirt, grabbed my balls, and went out to date other girls instead of sitting around thinking of my oneitis at work.

Eventually I got a LTR, the oneitis found out, and she got jeolous. Soon, because I ignored her as much as possible, she got the hint and left me alone. I healed. Then later she quit, so she's no longer in my life.

Best advice is to avoid her as much as you can at work without it being uncomfortable, don't (DON'T!) call her out (because you want nothing to affect your job), and go date other girls.

Worked great for me.

-Dharma

That's one thing I'll never do, call her out, I don't like at all so why should I do it?

I will avoid unnecessary contact...

UPDATE: just now, as I was writing she came by "how was your weekend?" and I pulled the date stuff, told her that I went on a date and had a really good time. I hope this will define the situation, meanwhile I'll do my part.

Thanks Dharma