i failed again

[spang]

long story short i had planned to talk to a certain chick today. i followed her after class so i could make the approach but i didnt do it. i started to call out her name but i couldnt get it out. i dont think she saw me. she went into the parking deck before i actually caught up with her, but i didnt want approach in there and startle her...so i just kept walking.
im angry at myself for that. i think this girl is cool, ive talked to her a little in class, so i want to get to know her. now i blew it and itll be another week before i see her again.
no matter how much i practice its like my approach anxiety is always there. ive approached 3 women since my last anxiety thread. i force myself to talk to them, but the truth is im like a duck on water, calm and cool on the outside but nervous as hell on the inside. sometimes i can barely talk around them and i get tongue tied screw up my words. they all seem disinterested...i dont know if its because of the way i act or if its just them. im guessing that they sense im nervous.
i have the same performance problem when i play basket ball. when i play by myself im really good, but when i play in a game around people i cant even hang on to the ball.
ive done a lot of research about fear lately. we fear things because we imagine the future, but the future doesnt exist. to get rid of the fear you must empty your mind, but i cant empty mine. when i just think about talking to a girl my adrenaline pumps and heart rate goes up. i know what the problem is but i cant make it work for me. it seems rejection is inevitable for me. maybe im meant to be alone.

 

[NewAndImproved]

You sound like I used to be, especially as it also carrying over to other realms where you feel like you're on stage being judged-- i.e. basketball.

I'm no MJ, but I've got a decent shot. In middle school I was known as the sharpshooter on our team. I remember once when I got fouled and had to go to the line, a chick I was interested in gave me a thumbs up from the crowd. I nearly air balled the first and missed the second just as badly.

Can't quite explain how I've gotten to the point where this kind of anxiety doesn't rule my life anymore. It's a combination of being at piece with my childhood and how my parents made me anxious, therapy, being on my own etc etc...

More than anything else, though, I'd suggest taking things in stages. First just try to walk around making eye contact with people. Then graduate to saying hello. Then graduate to maintaining a conversation for 1 minute. And so on.

And while you're doing all these things, you better be kind to yourself and not be outcome dependent. No more of this "I failed" or else it'll take twice as long to get to where you really want to go.

Lemmie know if you have any more questions and good luck.

 

[alxrose04]

More than anything else, though, I'd suggest taking things in stages. First just try to walk around making eye contact with people. Then graduate to saying hello. Then graduate to maintaining a conversation for 1 minute. And so on.

And while you're doing all these things, you better be kind to yourself and not be outcome dependent. No more of this "I failed" or else it'll take twice as long to get to where you really want to go.

NewAndImproved has the right idea. First, stop beating yourself up. I know how you feel but it's not productive. Instead, replace the negative image with a positive one. By positive, replace it with what you should've done.

Next, you were right with the whole thing about fear being cause about thoughts in the future. So to combat this, be present and in the moment. The way to practice this is notice what's going on throughout your day. Write it down even so you're the lesson is internalized. For instance, "Lady wearing blue shirt, hair's wet, reading cosmo, looks entertained.."" Notice everything that's going on in the moment and write it down.

Next, start every day by saying hi to everyone you walk by. At first you might whisper it but keep doing it again and again, and that whisper will eventually turn into a loud HELLO!. And pple will say hello back. I promise. And if they don't. They didn't hear you, that's all. But saying hello will get you into a talkative mood. You'll catch momentum and catch fire. Do this everyday until it's a habit. If you want to change, literally do this everyday.

And from then on, like NewAndImproved said, work up those baby steps to a full on conversation.

 

[flashpoint]

baby steps are the way to go. once you can appreciate the small things you have accomplished you will start to see the big things you can do. its inevitable. the smaller you start the better you will get.

one other thing: since there is a similarity between you playing basketball and being in social circles, i have a feeling that you put a lot of pressure on you without need, when you easily could just enjoy yourself. which you should. you dont need to prove sh!t to anyone.

 

[btownbuck2012]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6hz_s2XIAU&list=FL7BekOzVkc4VZrs2dnnM3bg&feature=mh_lolz

 

[AriMamba]

hey men you just described me. in terms of basketball i could play with 10 Kobe bryants and i would not be scared but the girl thing is much harder for me

 

[DJ_Dave]

In terms of your fear/lack of confidence, it is caused by negative thinking about the future. So you're thinking about how you will be laughed it if you mess up rather than being confident that you will succeed. You have to think positively, imagine things going really well, whatever it is you're doing and repeat these positive thoughts over and over until you believe them. Even if you don't think that a girl will go out with you, you stand a better chance if you tell yourself she will. However, the only way to remove the fear completely is to have success ie. once you get a girl, the next one will seem less hard.