I don't get no respect

[Life-Trainee]

Insert your favorite Rodney Dangerfield joke here...

I'm usually very reserved and don't trust people. However, when I do open up people just try to disrespect me by talking in well crafted condescending ways. I do come off as a bit weird because of my nature and I'm at rest with things I can't change
by joking about them. Tonight was a perfect example of that. I chilled with my former college pals tonight and i didn't really like the subtle ways they disrespected me. Is it me not putting these people in their place early enough(i do have conflict avoidance thing)? Or should I stop hanging around low self-esteem scrubs? After tonight I really have no interest of doing anything with them in the future.

I guess what bother me the most is that I can't catch disrespect in time and combat it.

Anyone can relate?

 

[Schlep]

You've just gotta call them on it. The worst that can happen is they're no longer your friends, but they really don't sound like friends anyway. What'll probably happen, though, is they'll apologize and you'll get more respect from now on. Most people back down when challenged.

 

[SchuhSohle]

I can relate ... but not sure if I can help.

Judging from what you wrote you either don't get the DJ thing or this is a fake post though.

I'm at rest with things I can't change

WTF?

It is hard to say anything without knowing the whole situation ... just some thoughts:
I too didn't get a lot of respect from the guys around me.
For example: one of them said "Imagine he had a girlfriend" ... that thought cheered them up for a LONG while.

That can change. Ask yourself: what can they do for you.
Then decide if you want to escape from the situation or change it.
Chances are if you can't fix the current situation the new situation you'd end up in wouldn't be different at all.
If nothing else you should use them as a stepping stone.

Show them that you get that they make fun of you. Say things like
"that is not funny?"
"you guys talk like high-school girls"
...
whatever. Just say it with confidence. Roll your eyes ... stuff like that.
As if you couldn't care less. Don't whine and don't get mad/loud either.

Then see where you stand in a month.
If you change your behaviour theirs will change as well.
Don't build stronger walls and isolate yourself more.
Get rid of them.

 

[Kerensky]

Here's what I did:

Usually, I'm a laid back, calm/joking/friendly kinda guy but sometimes around girls or crowds, one of my close "friends" thinks he can fuk with me and talk crap right when I'm there. I try to trust him with stuff (not anymore), b ut he just blows it away by trying to be the life of the convo saying outrageous crap about me. I used to laugh it off but then people started to laugh AT me rather WITH me.

So here's what happened:

David: hey what happened to your arm?
Me: oh yeah, well I got hit when I was on my bike
David: wanking too much? hahha
Me: dude...I just told you I was on my bike.
David: hahaha wanking? What a perv. (he says this sh1t alll loud and stuff too like a dumbass)
Me: You know, it's funny how you try to act all tough around girls and stuff but guess what? On the inside you'll be an insecure little ***** forever. Now stop pretending like you've got balls and go get some.
David: . . .
Everyone else:

Yeah you see, just call them out on it. Watch them fumble for an excuse. Then just say, "you know, I'm not going to put up with this crap. Later"

And if they're like, "dude! chill! It's just a joke!"

You just say, "yeah? Everything's suddenly a joke when I get serious right? Well take your joke and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. Pretty funny eh?"

Seriously people have never fuked with me ever again. If they start everyone else kidna gives them a look and they catch themselves. It's a good feeling to have. I hope this helped, but seirously we can't deal with this **** because frankly they dont' pay me enough.

 

[PathGoer]

Yes, it used to be like this with me.

I just dropped that circle of "friends" and with no big effort 3 months later found a better crowd.

Disrespect from false friends seems to be a common problem on this site. I am convinced that the quality of relationships with women are never better that relationships with friends.

There is a woman who thinks she is way cooler than myself. She shows it every time, but she cannot be avoided. It used to bother me, I thought she might have a point. Then it turned out she is mental. So much for her "valuable" opinion.

 

[disguise]

Originally posted by Life-Trainee
... I chilled with my former college pals tonight and i didn't really like the subtle ways they disrespected me. Is it me not putting these people in their place early enough(i do have conflict avoidance thing)? Or should I stop hanging around low self-esteem scrubs? After tonight I really have no interest of doing anything with them in the future.

I guess what bother me the most is that I can't catch disrespect in time and combat it.

Anyone can relate?

Sounds like you know the answer to your own question. Perhaps the first step is to listen to yourself and simply leave. The difficulty in that is finding other people that are worth hanging out with, but that's a difficulty anyway.

Learning how to catch disrespect in time is hard for even the most seemingly confident people. I guess it starts with dealing with your insecurities and learning to be aware of what you consider to be disrespectful. The problem with any kind of abuse (and disrespect is a mild form of or pre-cursor to abuse) is that it creeps up on you unawares, and it's extremely difficult to see the signs until it gets out of your control.

It may help to put some thought into what you will and won't put up with, before it happens.

 

[Fatality]

True friends will not disrespect you.

 

[i am me]

I don't know what kind of friends you guys hang out with, but for me, we say sh*t all the time. SOMETIMES it DOES hurt a little, personally, but I usually just shrug it off and get them back. What you have to do is learn how to come up with comebacks. Say something funny/degrading to them too.

I remember a South Park episode where this one kid was getting teased a lot by his friends...but at the end they just admitted "they were just playing around" and "that's what guy's do." So true...

 

[I-am-someone]

The simple fact that you want respect, makes people lose respect for you. Stop caring about people respecting you and they will.

If you respect other people they will inevitably respect you as well.
If you're a disrespecting a$$hole, you're going to get friends that are disrespecting a$$holes as well most of the time.

 

[gmm567]

what I've found is that.......

guys I've hung out with who are disrespectfull like this.....

harbored a bunch of judgemental attitudes towards me. Keep hanging around them and their judgmentalism will keep seeping out of them untill you finally tell them to go to hell. You can keep trying to correct them about their faulty judgement, but it just keeps coming back at you in a different form at a different time.
Eventually, if you have respect for yourself, you'll decide that you won't invest your precious self with people like this. You have value.

Judgmental people without judgement are caustic to your sense of self. That's why christianity says : Thou shall not judge.

Geoff

 

[aBAzLLnA]

True friends will not disrespect you.

Along with that, choose your friends wisely and keep them few.

Anyone who disrespects me, I drop. Any sign of disrespect and I don't associate with that person again, until he/she makes up for it.

 

[Life-Trainee]

Re: what I've found is that.......

Originally posted by gmm567
guys I've hung out with who are disrespectfull like this.....

harbored a bunch of judgemental attitudes towards me. Keep hanging around them and their judgmentalism will keep seeping out of them untill you finally tell them to go to hell. You can keep trying to correct them about their faulty judgement, but it just keeps coming back at you in a different form at a different time.
Eventually, if you have respect for yourself, you'll decide that you won't invest your precious self with people like this. You have value.

Judgmental people without judgement are caustic to your sense of self. That's why christianity says : Thou shall not judge.

Geoff

You're right, these guys are VERY judgemental of everyone. They like to talk schit about people all the time. I seem to pick up acquaintances of such type. Which makes me think whether people actually percieve me like one of these people. I used to be like them long time ago but not anymore. I need to make outgoing and down to earth friends.

 

[Alpine]

OK.

A few bits of info for you to chew on.

First, your awareness of this is good, it means you are taking notice of the social dynamics around you. Also as you as a person grow, you will notice a disparity between your new self worth and that which your 'friends' are labelling you with.

I suspect this is extremely common for board members here. You are learning lots of social ****, and you are going through personal growth.

What to do?

I big big tip is don't go off on one with your friends, for two reasons.

1 They need time to adapt to the new you, they will get very defensive if you jump on them big style all of a sudden.

2 Over time you can change their perception of you (although this may not be worth the major effort) but more importantly you need time to develop new freindships with likeminded people, who judge you on the new you.

Another tip is to think what would an alpha do, not some insecure pleb?

Chances are you will laugh at small digs at you (hey I'm an alpha, big deal), when someone goes further you don't shout, you use body language, eye contact and that devastating lowering of tone. The words are fairly imaterial.

Also as your new friends base increases, your social proof will be the accelerant in the process once it gathers momentum.

From your post, you seem to believe you are a poor communicator. Stop thinking like that, your post was well written and 10x more lucid than the average.

If it bothers you work on it.

 

[skeeloo]

There are some insecure friends that will never accept the new you no matter what and you have to cut them loose. even dudes that dont know you might hate on you for no reason, the funny part is they usually do this in presence of females , that show they have issues. they can even make girls start disrespecting you. what i would do is stay calm if in a bar go for other girls let them hover around that one *****.

 

[christz]

i bust on my friends all the time and they bust on me.. real friends can bust on each other all day long and nothing come of it

its all about respect and boundries

 

[ScrewIt]

Originally posted by Alpine

What to do?

I big big tip is don't go off on one with your friends, for two reasons.

1 They need time to adapt to the new you, they will get very defensive if you jump on them big style all of a sudden.

2 Over time you can change their perception of you (although this may not be worth the major effort) but more importantly you need time to develop new freindships with likeminded people, who judge you on the new you.

I agree completely cause i went through the same **** and came out fine with my friends.

I had this 1 particular friend who'd say all sorts of **** to me, and i never had a comeback. Cause of this, he would continue doing it. But a year or 2 ago i had grown personally and changed, which in addition grew some balls.

So now whenever he tries to neg hit me or whatever ****, i just reply with something wittier than him. In addition he totally respects me now and says less **** to my face. But since we've grown accustomed to each other, we crack on each other all the time.

Now the tables have turned and he's doing it on one of our short friends.....which has become more secretive and angry with him over the past years.

in the end it's all about respect and standing your ground, if you continue letting them, they will continue doing it. It is true what they say about respect being earned...well in this situation and others.

 

[TDOT]

There are plenty of things you can do to gain respect.

1) getting out into as many social events as you can and meeting new people

2) Never saying anything bad about yourself

3) Never saying anything bad about other people behind their backs

But in a relationship with girls that you want to be hook up with, I recently posted two things you must do to get respect from them.

1) train them to apologize to you
2) train them to compliment you

here is how you do this. I will simply repost the two methods here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Make her apologize for no reason.

Ask her what she had for lunch or dinner, when she tells you, say
"well I had cereal........you had a better meal than me
you owe me an apology because you ate better. Or: What time did you wake up this morning? Her: I woke up at 7. You: Well I had to wake up at 5, you got to sleep in and I didn't. Tell me you are sorry for taking it easy while I had to get up extra early.

What this is called is "training her". You are training her to be sensitive to your situation so that when she really does do something stupid to you, (AND SHE WILL EVENTUALLY) she will already know the routine and be ready to say she is sorry.

===========================================

The more the DJ compliments himself in front of a woman he is training her to give him compliments. After complimenting yourself say: "don't you agree?"

 

[Julian]

If someone is dissing you the only option is to publically verbally execute them. Give them a taste of the poison you can spit at them, they will realize there is no antidote to your venom so they will be shamed and you will reign victorious.

 

[Alpine]

Avoid becoming the angry man, sometimes upping the anti with the 'poison' indicates less than alpha status and insecurity.

There's a fine line between showing self respect by not accepting sh1t, and looking a tosser.

I see a few members here use this 'trick' knowingly or not. But if you stay cool and play the other person as insecure, he can't win, 'cos every time he attacks you have framed it as 'insecure'.