ImTheDoubleGreatest!
Master Don Juan
So today during a tournament, one of my friends asked me "why don't you ever het angry?" And I was puzzled so I asked him what he meant. "Those guys were playing really dirty and you just didn't care or get mad at all". I thought about this for a little bit because it really struck a cord in me: when I was younger, I used to be angry all the time, hypersensitive to people to where no one could joke around with me, and was just a huge hothead. Whenever I wasnt angry, I could will myself to become mad. I can't do that anymore and now it's like no one can anger me except people in my family occasionally or if someone messes with my little brother or dad.
I don't know what's going on with me, but a lot of my emotions have been dulled out and suppressed for a very long time. Like despite being on here, I have never really had a girl break my heart even when I know it should have, even from a oneitis before I found out about this place. Anger was the last emotion to be dulled out I guess.
A lot of you may say that it's not good to be pissed off all the time, but anger is the best motivator. I didn't let it eat me up inside, instead I focused it and directed it towards something positive and got a a lot of stuff done. It wasn't as effective as I got older so maybe it did tire out my body or mind a bit but still, now I feel that if I ever let someone get to me, then I will probably either become so infuriated that I kill them or nearly do, or that I will become completely cold and calculating coming up with ways to ruin their life and negatively impact it, at least temporarily.
What exactly is going on? I feel like I could have played better today if I was able to psych myself up and get mad or do SOMETHING. But I couldn't.
I apologize for this thing being long but I have one more thing to ask:
I don't feel awake or clear or lucid ever anymore like how I used to when I was a child. I remember my sister was arguing with my mom at around midnight and I was trying to go to sleep and because they were arguing for over an hour, I freaked out and started yelling at them like I was going crazy. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and I looked at the counter and felt AWAKE and ALIVE for the first time in years. I noticed every little detail on the counter and everything surrounding it. I was thinking clearly for the first time in years despite the time, I felt much stronger and more powerful too. But I was only like that for about a minute or 2 and then that feeling went away. It must have been adrenaline that dod that to me, but still, why am I not able to be that enhanced all the time?
I don't know what's going on with me, but a lot of my emotions have been dulled out and suppressed for a very long time. Like despite being on here, I have never really had a girl break my heart even when I know it should have, even from a oneitis before I found out about this place. Anger was the last emotion to be dulled out I guess.
A lot of you may say that it's not good to be pissed off all the time, but anger is the best motivator. I didn't let it eat me up inside, instead I focused it and directed it towards something positive and got a a lot of stuff done. It wasn't as effective as I got older so maybe it did tire out my body or mind a bit but still, now I feel that if I ever let someone get to me, then I will probably either become so infuriated that I kill them or nearly do, or that I will become completely cold and calculating coming up with ways to ruin their life and negatively impact it, at least temporarily.
What exactly is going on? I feel like I could have played better today if I was able to psych myself up and get mad or do SOMETHING. But I couldn't.
I apologize for this thing being long but I have one more thing to ask:
I don't feel awake or clear or lucid ever anymore like how I used to when I was a child. I remember my sister was arguing with my mom at around midnight and I was trying to go to sleep and because they were arguing for over an hour, I freaked out and started yelling at them like I was going crazy. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and I looked at the counter and felt AWAKE and ALIVE for the first time in years. I noticed every little detail on the counter and everything surrounding it. I was thinking clearly for the first time in years despite the time, I felt much stronger and more powerful too. But I was only like that for about a minute or 2 and then that feeling went away. It must have been adrenaline that dod that to me, but still, why am I not able to be that enhanced all the time?