Of late, I have been going through significant change. Like all of you, I once started out somewhere. It was somewhere between nice guy and DJ. I then became DJ and slowly I drifted off into jerk. The experience that completly changed me.
The pre DJ era was just pure fun:
The DJ era was phenominal. Purely. Can you imagine what it was like to go from liking a girl and going out with her to getting all the girls and choosing which you wanted? Phenominal. That stage was just amazing. I got the girls I wanted, weeded out the ones I didn't and lived happily ever after. Got a girlfriend for a LTR and was king pimp. But here's where it all twisted and screwed me to hell!!!
Matrix once told me that I had an excelent start but it was just the very begining. I could understand where he was coming from but couldn't possibly see what was left for me to understand. I didn't have the answers to every situation but that was not a big deal. I would learn from experience. What new change was waiting? Hell, I didn't see it coming. But that's life for you. In an instant you will go from the greatest time of your life to your worse. It is mind boggling. And that is what happened.
I preached alot of stuff. I preached alot of don't take DJing too far alot of don't take the rules too far and so on. But that's what I did. I stopped my DJing, my trying new things, my learning my everything DJ. Not on purpose, it just happened. But I wasn't watching. I let my guard down and was enjoying the life I had... And so I drifted off into the jerk for 3 weeks. I don't know how it happened and I really don't know what I did but then my girlfriend came and told me I was treating people like ****. I couldn't believe. No, not me. Not the great DJ. Time passed and it was getting worse and worse, but I wasn't noticing. People were... Alot of people wanted to talk to me about it... My girlfriend didn't know how to bring it up or tell me. My friends didn't see the point. Until one day, it blew up in my face.
I was completly oblivious to everything. What I did notice was that I was distant towards my girlfriend. Was keeping my heart safe. Why? I don't know. I was trying to stay away. To act like a challenge perhaps? To look tough. It came off as I didn't care. And that cost me. So what happened?
She dumped me. And you know what my reaction was? I took the high road. I acted like I didn't care and it was her choice. That was what I was taught. But that's not what I wanted. I talked to my friends, I talked to her. I got back with her and she explained everything that ever happened that made me a jerk. We sorted everything out and she told me my arrogance had to go or she would. That was my moment. My girlfriend or my ego... For the sake of the way I talked about how great she was, for the sake of all the fun we ever had... I decided I'd drop the ego. And it really died. And it was great.
My illusions died. I thought I didn't care about this chick. I thought I didn't need anybody and I was perfectly happy. Well guess what. I wasn't and was lieing to myself about it without even knowing. And so many things came to life. So many events came to my head. They all gave small messages but I didn't know what to make of everything. I was missing the middle puzzle piece. And then my friend came in. We talked and I forwarded an email to him between my brother and I where I gave all the facts and my side of the story. It ended with "Does she deserve it though?" speaking of giving her a 2nd chance with me. Sigh... how arrogant. When I talked to her, she blew all that away. I realised slowly that she had not ****ed up... I had ****ed up. Worse than one could imagine. I saw that it was actually I that needed a second chance. And I did what I could not do.
I told her straight that I want to continue the relationship. She said she'd think about it. I told her now or never. She could not control herself and let out 2 huge smiles as she "thought" about it. And then I realised. There was the missing piece. She didn't want to get back with me. She didn't want to suffer anymore. But she liked me... or loved me so much that she had hope and she agreed. And it all became clear. and all the pieces of the puzzle just clicked together. So many times she put up with **** for the sake of being with me. So many times she did things she didn't like for me. So many times she was there for me. So many times I didn't thank her. So many times I didn't realise. And it became clear that this chick cared so much about me and I couldn't tell. I was still thinking "Did she smile at me? how'd she react to that kiss" and so forth. God... I feel stupid. It was beyond basic interest level signs. It was advanced signs and I wasn't in that mode yet. I ****ed up but she took me back. And I wanted to change. So, inspired by Sammo, I did what I could not do.
I appologized to everyone about everything individually. This was something amazing for me. I admitted I was wrong and gave the power of forgiveness to everyone else. I had had enough of being the man. People already thought highly of me, I didn't need to constantly put up that image. I resurected great old friendships. I appologized for every time I had let my closest friends down. every time I ****ed them over and I begged for forgiveness. And they helped me. They told me where I had gone wrong. I still could not see when I was a jerk and still can't to this moment. But where else to look but here for hard proof? I've been treating people here like worse than ****! Why?! Did I honestly think I was that much better than them? Yeah. And for that, to you too sosuavers. I appologize.
And here I was. Ready to change again. I had just gone through that time. I didn't know what to do. I was confused and the moves to make were as clear to me as the different ingredients of a fruit juice. It was not the feeling I had imagined. I was completly powerless and it was scary. I completly screwed up. EVERYWHERE! And I didn't know what to do. And again I did what I could not do. I asked for help.
I am willing to change and am going to. Smooth, you told me one day to Let go. Ever since that day I've been trying to find out how. I've been trying hard to do so. But it was only when I didn't want to that I had to. and so I did. I let go of everything I was, of everything I had done. I saw the world from a whole new light without the influence of my ego. And I can honestly say I was blinded by myself.
Matrix, you told me the rabbit hole was much deeper and I didn't want to believe. But here I am in complete shock seeing just how far from the perfection I want to have I really am. The rabbit hole is infact much deeper than the eye can see. Your sight must adapt to the low light before it can see any further and so I have.
Contrary to my belief, I found out I really cared about my girlfriend. And I let go of all the rules. Of all the beliefs and I told her straight up what I felt and how sorry I was. I told her right up how great she is and gave her the recognition she deserves. There was no more AFC/DJ/Jerk in my mind. There was just alot of truth that had to come out. And that is what I saw, that is what I felt and that is what I said, the truth. And it was divine. It was like being reborn. It was... It was like being given a second chance when you least deserved it but people still had faith in you. And it was to that that I owed anything and it is to that that I dedicate myself. And so I discovered love. And it was our first encounter. I was loved. By my girlfriend, by my friends, by my dog... by my family. And I loved them back. And for 3 weeks I had grown cold. So cold. And in an instant, my body suffered the wrath of emotion. It was intense but I felt it all. What I felt was not even on a physical level anymore. It wasn't a chemical reaction and it wasn't my imagination. It was a whole new feeling in a whole new world in an undefined way that I can not today explain. And I will call that love. The incredible feeling when the puzzle came together and I realised just how much all these people cared about me and that I really did too, care alot about them. It was divine. I was... enlightened.
And so I felt my duty so strong. My new found purpose. And that was to give back my due to all these people who were always there for me. For every little thing they ever did for me. And for every little thing they did for us. It was like I was engaged in a new mission that my superiors were preparing. And so they gave me the training I needed and the equipment to take on the trip with a goal in mind. I have the tools and the knowledge, now it's time to see what I'll do with them.
I can't lie anymore. I'm scared ****less. I don't know where or how to start. I know that I have a goal in mind and people I care about. I know what I want but not how to get there. So as with everything, I will take baby steps. One area at a time, one step at a time. I see the flag at the finish line but havn't made my path to it yet. I see plenty of obstacles on this hill and if I go too fast I may just slip and fall and get wrecked by all the crap in my way. So I'll take my time.
"All I know is that I know nothing"
Lik
The pre DJ era was just pure fun:
Back then, I didn't really know what what meant. What to do in what situation. I worked on instinct and it worked out very well. I recently said that I missed that feeling and wished to be in that situation again. Well, I got that moment back, but it wasn't at all what I expected.
The DJ era was phenominal. Purely. Can you imagine what it was like to go from liking a girl and going out with her to getting all the girls and choosing which you wanted? Phenominal. That stage was just amazing. I got the girls I wanted, weeded out the ones I didn't and lived happily ever after. Got a girlfriend for a LTR and was king pimp. But here's where it all twisted and screwed me to hell!!!
Matrix once told me that I had an excelent start but it was just the very begining. I could understand where he was coming from but couldn't possibly see what was left for me to understand. I didn't have the answers to every situation but that was not a big deal. I would learn from experience. What new change was waiting? Hell, I didn't see it coming. But that's life for you. In an instant you will go from the greatest time of your life to your worse. It is mind boggling. And that is what happened.
I preached alot of stuff. I preached alot of don't take DJing too far alot of don't take the rules too far and so on. But that's what I did. I stopped my DJing, my trying new things, my learning my everything DJ. Not on purpose, it just happened. But I wasn't watching. I let my guard down and was enjoying the life I had... And so I drifted off into the jerk for 3 weeks. I don't know how it happened and I really don't know what I did but then my girlfriend came and told me I was treating people like ****. I couldn't believe. No, not me. Not the great DJ. Time passed and it was getting worse and worse, but I wasn't noticing. People were... Alot of people wanted to talk to me about it... My girlfriend didn't know how to bring it up or tell me. My friends didn't see the point. Until one day, it blew up in my face.
I was completly oblivious to everything. What I did notice was that I was distant towards my girlfriend. Was keeping my heart safe. Why? I don't know. I was trying to stay away. To act like a challenge perhaps? To look tough. It came off as I didn't care. And that cost me. So what happened?
She dumped me. And you know what my reaction was? I took the high road. I acted like I didn't care and it was her choice. That was what I was taught. But that's not what I wanted. I talked to my friends, I talked to her. I got back with her and she explained everything that ever happened that made me a jerk. We sorted everything out and she told me my arrogance had to go or she would. That was my moment. My girlfriend or my ego... For the sake of the way I talked about how great she was, for the sake of all the fun we ever had... I decided I'd drop the ego. And it really died. And it was great.
My illusions died. I thought I didn't care about this chick. I thought I didn't need anybody and I was perfectly happy. Well guess what. I wasn't and was lieing to myself about it without even knowing. And so many things came to life. So many events came to my head. They all gave small messages but I didn't know what to make of everything. I was missing the middle puzzle piece. And then my friend came in. We talked and I forwarded an email to him between my brother and I where I gave all the facts and my side of the story. It ended with "Does she deserve it though?" speaking of giving her a 2nd chance with me. Sigh... how arrogant. When I talked to her, she blew all that away. I realised slowly that she had not ****ed up... I had ****ed up. Worse than one could imagine. I saw that it was actually I that needed a second chance. And I did what I could not do.
I told her straight that I want to continue the relationship. She said she'd think about it. I told her now or never. She could not control herself and let out 2 huge smiles as she "thought" about it. And then I realised. There was the missing piece. She didn't want to get back with me. She didn't want to suffer anymore. But she liked me... or loved me so much that she had hope and she agreed. And it all became clear. and all the pieces of the puzzle just clicked together. So many times she put up with **** for the sake of being with me. So many times she did things she didn't like for me. So many times she was there for me. So many times I didn't thank her. So many times I didn't realise. And it became clear that this chick cared so much about me and I couldn't tell. I was still thinking "Did she smile at me? how'd she react to that kiss" and so forth. God... I feel stupid. It was beyond basic interest level signs. It was advanced signs and I wasn't in that mode yet. I ****ed up but she took me back. And I wanted to change. So, inspired by Sammo, I did what I could not do.
I appologized to everyone about everything individually. This was something amazing for me. I admitted I was wrong and gave the power of forgiveness to everyone else. I had had enough of being the man. People already thought highly of me, I didn't need to constantly put up that image. I resurected great old friendships. I appologized for every time I had let my closest friends down. every time I ****ed them over and I begged for forgiveness. And they helped me. They told me where I had gone wrong. I still could not see when I was a jerk and still can't to this moment. But where else to look but here for hard proof? I've been treating people here like worse than ****! Why?! Did I honestly think I was that much better than them? Yeah. And for that, to you too sosuavers. I appologize.
And here I was. Ready to change again. I had just gone through that time. I didn't know what to do. I was confused and the moves to make were as clear to me as the different ingredients of a fruit juice. It was not the feeling I had imagined. I was completly powerless and it was scary. I completly screwed up. EVERYWHERE! And I didn't know what to do. And again I did what I could not do. I asked for help.
I am willing to change and am going to. Smooth, you told me one day to Let go. Ever since that day I've been trying to find out how. I've been trying hard to do so. But it was only when I didn't want to that I had to. and so I did. I let go of everything I was, of everything I had done. I saw the world from a whole new light without the influence of my ego. And I can honestly say I was blinded by myself.
Matrix, you told me the rabbit hole was much deeper and I didn't want to believe. But here I am in complete shock seeing just how far from the perfection I want to have I really am. The rabbit hole is infact much deeper than the eye can see. Your sight must adapt to the low light before it can see any further and so I have.
Contrary to my belief, I found out I really cared about my girlfriend. And I let go of all the rules. Of all the beliefs and I told her straight up what I felt and how sorry I was. I told her right up how great she is and gave her the recognition she deserves. There was no more AFC/DJ/Jerk in my mind. There was just alot of truth that had to come out. And that is what I saw, that is what I felt and that is what I said, the truth. And it was divine. It was like being reborn. It was... It was like being given a second chance when you least deserved it but people still had faith in you. And it was to that that I owed anything and it is to that that I dedicate myself. And so I discovered love. And it was our first encounter. I was loved. By my girlfriend, by my friends, by my dog... by my family. And I loved them back. And for 3 weeks I had grown cold. So cold. And in an instant, my body suffered the wrath of emotion. It was intense but I felt it all. What I felt was not even on a physical level anymore. It wasn't a chemical reaction and it wasn't my imagination. It was a whole new feeling in a whole new world in an undefined way that I can not today explain. And I will call that love. The incredible feeling when the puzzle came together and I realised just how much all these people cared about me and that I really did too, care alot about them. It was divine. I was... enlightened.
And so I felt my duty so strong. My new found purpose. And that was to give back my due to all these people who were always there for me. For every little thing they ever did for me. And for every little thing they did for us. It was like I was engaged in a new mission that my superiors were preparing. And so they gave me the training I needed and the equipment to take on the trip with a goal in mind. I have the tools and the knowledge, now it's time to see what I'll do with them.
I can't lie anymore. I'm scared ****less. I don't know where or how to start. I know that I have a goal in mind and people I care about. I know what I want but not how to get there. So as with everything, I will take baby steps. One area at a time, one step at a time. I see the flag at the finish line but havn't made my path to it yet. I see plenty of obstacles on this hill and if I go too fast I may just slip and fall and get wrecked by all the crap in my way. So I'll take my time.
"All I know is that I know nothing"
Lik
