"I could live forever when you kiss me like you did last night..."

[thedeparted]

Got an email from the new girlfriend with a whole paragraph like that. I just saw her last night and we made things sort-of official (it's been 3 mo's), and we have plans for tomorrow. She obviously wants to see me tonight. But I'm thinking over-exposure. How should I play it?

 

[Alexander the Great]

Tell her she will need to make it worth your while, because after hearing that, you're considering launching yourself as a brand that offers Eternal Youth. You know what that brings.

The minute you have to think about how to play it, it is not good. Try to have fun and not worry about overexposure and things like that. As long as your seeing eachother isn't becoming routine or forced because you feel you must or you or she can't live without the other, then all is cool.

Have fun, enjoy yourself and live in the moment. Don't forget the lives you had before there was the two of you together. Both of you. If you stick to that, there's not really anything that can go wrong due to overanalizing or overexposure, if you ask me.

Congrats and good luck. Have fun!

 

[jophil28]

Tell her she will need to make it worth your while, because after hearing that, you're considering launching yourself as a brand that offers Eternal Youth. You know what that brings.

Ha ha ! Clever..

When you have a woman expressesing HIGH interest level, you are in a power position. I now use these times to gently and covertly (initially) introduce 'Behavior Modification 101'... Essentially you show her how willing you are to "takeaway" your attention IF she f*ks up. DO this with small isuses because the punishment only needs to be minor . Most guys ( myself included ) let this golden opportunity go by in the past because we were trying to be "tolerant". The results were a disaster.

I realize how difficult it is to be cold and step out from the romantic fog in the first few months, BUT it is a golden opportunity to set down "your Rules" in subtle ways ( and often OVERT ) . She is MOST susceptible and most compliant in this period.

For example, women are commonly and habitually late in showing up for dates, possibly because they think that they are doing you a favor in the first place and the rules of courtesy and good manners do not apply to them.
If I have to wait more that ten minutes for her, and she does not call or text me to apologise or explain why she is running late, then I just leave .
They always turn up promptly after that ( after they get over the shock of having to accept some CONSEQUENCES for their poor behavior. ).

 

[thedeparted]

Update - I decided not to see her tonight and just replied to the email by saying I'll see her tomorrow, but with a sexual overtone. It's good to make a girl wait.

Jophil - I agree with you about setting expectations early. There have been a few minor things I didn't like and I've _gently_ corrected them. After three months of good behavior I also rewarded her with a small thoughtful gift a couple days after she did something I really appreciated and it went over well.

 

[jophil28]

Update - I decided not to see her tonight and just replied to the email by saying I'll see her tomorrow, but with a sexual overtone. It's good to make a girl wait.

Jophil - I agree with you about setting expectations early. There have been a few minor things I didn't like and I've _gently_ corrected them. After three months of good behavior I also rewarded her with a small thoughtful gift a couple days after she did something I really appreciated and it went over well.

You will be fine.
Correcting women's unthinking behavior is indeed a challenge. They have been raised to NOT consider others --expecially the man in their life. Retraining is the way. As you say - do it gently at first when her fukkups are small.
Don't forget the rewards for compliance.

 

[decades]

be very afraid. very very afraid.

 

[puma183]

be very afraid. very very afraid.

LOL! Yeah what she will really "live on forever" is the lifetime-alimony she gets after she suckers you in.

 

[thedeparted]

Update - Prev. weekend was great. Past Tues. was great. Past Sat. she was bltchy in the day but nice at night. So I let her sit a couple days. Last night she asked how I was. I said not good (have a flu) and today she suggested coming over to make me dinner. I replied that some things were bothering me lately and I was not up for dinner. I suggested we discuss it next week when I'm over my cold and she's back in town. She called and I screened it. Then she sent me an email saying she was a bltch and treated me badly on Sat., and hopes I'll forgive her -- but things don't work for her anymore and she'll return my keys next week.

So, apparently she thought I was going to dump her for being a bltch on Sat., and defensively dumped me instead? That is the only way I can figure out she went from offering to come over and make dinner when I'm sick to returning my keys, all in the space of a few hours.

There is the question of why she was a bltch on Sat. Maybe there was some other guy but she's been pretty obsessed with me. Thoughts or suggestions?

 

[decades]

expect more of this drama....

 

[Mr. Me]

What I get out of your posts is totally different. I sense a woman who's crazy about you. After three months of dating she's writing things like ""I could live forever when you kiss me like you did last night" and though you posted "how should I play it?", the answer really was "Hey, DUDE! You're obviously doing all the right things! Just keep doing whatever you're doing"

And you must've, because you had some great dates with her since then, and when you felt ill, she offered to come over and make you dinner! Wow. That's great!

So when you turned down her offer, I think you really hurt her feelings.

And yeah, I think you sent her out a bad signal. And so maybe she is taking the incentive to get out first because she's afraid she's going to get hurt or maybe she thinks you've got a mean streak or aren't as invested in the relationship as she is... whatever the reason... the bottom line is this move on her part becomes the lesser of the two evils for her to take.

I think you've made a mistake.

So she was a little b1tchy on Saturday... hey, she turned it around sat. night, didn't she? And she's apologized for it, and she's offered to make you dinner. If her b1tchiness was all the time, I'd say yeah, get out. But if that was just a passing mood... otherwise it sounds like she's a great person. We all have our moments.

So WHAT if she acts lovey around you? It's not like she just met you last week and she's a nutjob, she's GROWN to have feelings for you because she's been dating you for several months. And when you made things official, she was HAPPY. Let me ask you, whose idea was to be boyfriend/girlfriend? Hers, right? She wants you.

Just tell her you didn't want her to catch whatever nasty bug you had. Tell her you'd really love a home cooked dinner. Try to keep this one around.

 

[squirrels]

When a girl says something to you like that, she's "baring her soul".

Pulling back isn't the right answer. I'm not saying you should marry her, no. But you can't just pull your attention away when a girl hangs it out there like that. She'll end up feeling like a fool...like SHE got involved too quick and you're not really that interested in her.

She felt like a clown. So she dumped you to escape the embarassment.

After three months of regularly dating, when a woman opens up to you like that, and you're in a position of power, it's not the time to be playing "DJ tricks", worried about three-day rules and being scarce vs being available. ESPECIALLY if you REALLY want to be with this girl.

What bugs me a little is that she already has the keys to your place at 3 months. Why?

 

[thedeparted]

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback, and am a bit humbled by it.

Although she did claim she was being a bltch Sat., I think honestly it was a reaction to me being a prlck. Truth is I do have an occasional mean streak. That morning I ran into a guy in the subway and we almost came to blows. I was still steamed when I met her. So the negative energy got built up for a bit.

As for the keys, there was a problem with the doorman at one point being an idiot so I gave her the spare building key to avoid him. She didn't ask for the apt. key but it was on there so I just left it there.

I do feel that overall she's been great and it was not my intention to dump her. I mean our Sat. date consisted of her driving me to stores to do my shopping errands, buying her own lunch, bringing over a movie, washing the dishes, buying us dinner, and making brownies. As I look at it now I was pretty much unworthy of that effort.

So I will try to fix it tomorrow somehow.

 

[BeyondCharm]

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback, and am a bit humbled by it.

I do feel that overall she's been great and it was not my intention to dump her. I mean our Sat. date consisted of her driving me to stores to do my shopping errands, buying her own lunch, bringing over a movie, washing the dishes, buying us dinner, and making brownies. As I look at it now I was pretty much unworthy of that effort.

So I will try to fix it tomorrow somehow.

FIX IT??? ARE YOU F*@*@CKING CRAZY?? You don't need to fix anything except your perception. Somehow you have a self-esteem issue where you think you are some kind of bad-guy that needs to be fixed. So you were having a bad day? Did you do anything harmful to her? If not, then just fix your perception and attitude and have fun and enjoy yourself the next time you hang out. Chances are you were more aware of your crappy attitude then she was.

AND she obviously is treating you like are a prize. If you go and fix that, you'll be screwed. She'll stop seeing you as the prize and her IL will drop over time or maybe even quickly.

Don't rush, be yourself, move Forward not backwards.

 

[Mr. Me]

where you think you are some kind of bad-guy that needs to be fixed

No, he's referring to correcting the situation, not about fixing himself. It's not a bad thing for him to see that her doing things for him is a gift from her, and not something to be taken for granted, and changing one's attitude about that is a proper and good thing.

Departed, relationships require care and handling. They have to be nurtured and maintained, like most things. Trust me on that one, or ask just almost any divorced guy who's realized that. I've had relationships with women over the past 36 years.

When a guy neglects or abuses (emotionally, physically or verbally) or acts like macho man and dominates his woman, little by little it erodes her love until it's gone. Love isn't constant, it's not a given and it's very fragile. If you see room for personal growth, such as in being able to control your "negative energy" so as to not to take it out on those innocent ones closest to you, that's a good step. We seek not to hurt people who really love us.

I say, when you turn down a gift from a woman, that's a slight to her. Even if you don't want or like the gift, accept it like it's wonderful.

 

[Mr. Me]

I should add this comment as well:

There are men who wouldn't mind crossing paths with a great woman and keeping her around. Sure, when you're 20-something, it's better not to be tied to one person and great to get out and explore. And maybe you'd like to do that your whole life.

Yet, a good woman is rare, which isn't news. And after a few decades, it gets a little tiring to go through psycho after b1tch after bad-news-loser. So when you do come across a rare find, if you ever do, and she gets to really love you and treat you right, then that can be a real nice, wonderful enhancement to your life and like anything else, you have to treat her right in return to have her want to stick around. Beats regretting your mistakes.

To keep the right woman around, you have to make yourself into the right man first.

 

[jophil28]

Yet, a good woman is rare, which isn't news. And after a few decades, it gets a little tiring to go through psycho after b1tch after bad-news-loser. So when you do come across a rare find, if you ever do, and she gets to really love you and treat you right, then that can be a real nice, wonderful enhancement to your life and like anything else, you have to treat her right in return to have her want to stick around. Beats regretting your mistakes.

To keep the right woman around, you have to make yourself into the right man first.

This is good advice.

Unfortunately at OUR age most of the still available/single women are NOT fit to be an LTR. The best of them have been filtered out and snapped up. That is why the dating sites are so full of freaks, cougars and idiotic women with adolescent minds.

Mr Me makes a great point about treating a woman right. We need to provide her with the HIGHEST quality MAN ( us) to create a very good reason for a high Quality woman to want to stick around.

 

[Mr. Me]

Unfortunately at OUR age most of the still available/single women are NOT fit to be an LTR. The best of them have been filtered out and snapped up. That is why the dating sites are so full of freaks, cougars and idiotic women with adolescent minds.

Ha! Ain't that the truth! And you're being kind.

You underscore my point about how to regard that rare bird if you come across her.

But no way do I even consider going out with a woman my age. Uck. And so, I wait for the continual harvest, the new crop if you will, of those rare great women that are in relationships today that tomorrow decide they can't take their progressively overweight, slovenly, tired, negligent boyfriends/husbands/significant others one day more.

 

[thedeparted]

Well I tried to call her and got VM. So I sent an email recounting the good moments from Sat. night and inviting her over for dinner. I made dinner. She did not show. Finally I got an email saying how nice it would be to go back BUT it just isn't enough to make a committed relationship and there is nothing left to say.

So she really did dump me for real. I called her and left a polite VM saying that I felt if there were issues she might have discussed with me first and that after 4 mo's I deserved more than being dumped out of the blue via email.

And that's it. My conclusion now is that she fvcked another guy between last Tues. and when I saw her Sat. All of that about forgiveness was probably about forgiving her for cheating. She just didn't own up to that part of it.

Also, to be fair to me, I did appreciate the things she did and I did many things for her as well. Like on Tues. I brought homemade lunch to her office (1 hr each way). If I was in a bad mood once in 4 mo's, and it was b/c I was sick which was her fault, and she cared about me the way she acted and said she did, that shouldn't have been a deal breaker. Most likely, there was another guy.

Oh well. So much for "when you find a good woman." The whole problem with America is that they are all wh0res.

 

[jophil28]

Well I tried to call her and got VM. So I sent an email recounting the good moments from Sat. night and inviting her over for dinner. I made dinner. She did not show. Finally I got an email saying how nice it would be to go back BUT it just isn't enough to make a committed relationship and there is nothing left to say.

So she really did dump me for real. I called her and left a polite VM saying that I felt if there were issues she might have discussed with me first and that after 4 mo's I deserved more than being dumped out of the blue via email.

Yeah, I have made ALL of those same mistakes in the past - the distant past.
Read what you wrote above again a few times until you make yourself nauseous.

 

[Mr. Me]

Finally I got an email saying how nice it would be to go back BUT it just isn't enough to make a committed relationship and there is nothing left to say.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

after 4 mo's I deserved more than being dumped out of the blue via email.

I agree.

My conclusion now is that she fvcked another guy between last Tues. and when I saw her Sat.

Well, don't know if it was a physical thing, but I did suspect something involving another guy. But who knows. Maybe she had someone on reserve, he's a back up. Don't think that he was as significiant as you were.

Oh well. So much for "when you find a good woman."

Don't get discouraged because one went wrong. This is how she chose to handle things. It doesn't mean great women aren't out there, it just means she fell short. Almost, but not quite.

Just you keep on doing the right thing. Not blaming you for this ending, yet next time, better if you don't you contribute to it going south at all.

Next time, you do all the upright things, and if she weeds herself out, you'll know 100% it's her, not you.

In the meantime, be happy that she weeded herself out after just a few months and that you're not one of those stories where you put in YEARS and she walks, okay?