I broke up with her, but I still feel bad..

[slickaz]

I dont know if many of you read SS. I had a post a couple of days back about this girl that I had started dating exclusively.

I had finally decided to settle in and as far as i knew she was a good chic. taking care of me etc.

Anyway i found out that her family and her have decided to get her engaged to some other guy (they are an asian family and are very cultural, they did not know alot about me and her)

She obviously has not stood up for what she had going with me.

I just cut contact and broke it off.
In our last talk, she expressed that she still was mine and wanted to stay that way, but i felt the truth wasnt being said. so i ended it.

I dont know if she is upset but I feel kinda stink.

Not in a "im ballin my eyes out" stage but just a "sh!t how could i have made a mistake like that!"

I guess what i feel bad about is that when i finally made a move to trust a girl, this happens.

I want answers to two questions:
Why do i feel bad?
How do i fix it?

I am still going to the gym only now 6 times instead of 5 times a week, a new cardio HIIT program.
Im buying a new car soon, possibly getting a new better job paying me good money. have gotten closer to my family, and my friends.

but still i feel sort of "alone and stabbed in the back" type of feeling.

I know its not cool for guys to have that kind of feeling but ive had a pretty bad run lately, I lost my very prestigious job that alot of people were jealous about. I lost alot of money in stocks etc. But ive still kept my head up and continued smiling. I guess this episode was the last thing i needed.

Advice plz?

 

[KontrollerX]

"Why do i feel bad?"

You put yourself out there and got fvcked over quite simply and with each major relationship's failing idealism implanted into you via childhood propagandizing from feminist media and education system among other places gradually gets painfully killed off along with your remaining desire to love and to trust since these two things become akin to the idiot that goes back to putting his hands on a burning stove after getting them severely burned each past time he did that.

Its painful for this idealism to be shattered in you because the feminist's worldview has been made your world view and to lose one's world view hurts something terrible. I know as it hurt to lose my Christianity worldview that was other's propaganda implanted into me. I lost that worldview when I did some research motivated by my own longterm questioning of the religion and found out "it was all bullsh!t. All of it"...to quote Arnold's character Dutch from Predator.

You went the AFC morality crew route of persuing the long term relationship/potential future marriage candidate in our degenerate age and not surprisingly it ended in disaster the woman's amorality and selfishness ruling the day.

"How do i fix it?"

1. If you've got the LTR bug best to get it out of your system while you are young, go through a few more horrific breakups and a failed marriage or two, not that you'll be trying for this goal mind you but the selfish amoral women of our age will see to it that this is what most likely happens and is what you will get so you could try that...who knows though? Maybe in the persuit of this you'll find the needle in the haystack and become wedded with eternal bliss to a halfways decent mate. Either way going the LTR + potential marriage route is for gamblers which is not what I'd advise any clued in man to become but some guys just like trying their luck in the western world's dating casino rather than doing the sure and the smart thing which is simply pumping em and dumping em and living it up. Sh!t if you need female companionship and intimacy just engage in a few short term relationships during summer time or whenever. No need to get deeply invested in a b!tch. Thats for guys that still need a mommy to give their life focus and direction.

2. Bible Belt really has it right about the cure of pain for a big breakup and it is this...go out and fvck 10 other women and if you can manage it try and make it so that the majority of these women are hotter than your ex.

3. Buddies + hobbies + time= gradual recovery of mental well being. Cliched? Definitely, yet still a tried and true solution.

"I know its not cool for guys to have that kind of feeling but ive had a pretty bad run lately, I lost my very prestigious job that alot of people were jealous about. I lost alot of money in stocks etc. But ive still kept my head up and continued smiling. I guess this episode was the last thing i needed."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uASVzkrEKgs

4. Lastly watch that video.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

-Why do you feel bad?
Why wouldn't you feel bad?
You put stock (no pun directed toward your failed stocks) into something and lost it. As if you shoveled coal into a stove and got no heat from it.
People always feel bad when they work at something and it fails. Duh.

-How do you fix it?
What is "fixing" it? What does that mean?
Be upset, but head in a direction of moving passed this bumpy patch in the road.

 

[Igetit!]

What's up Slickaz...

I dont know if many of you read SS. I had a post a couple of days back about this girl that I had started dating exclusively.

I had finally decided to settle in and as far as i knew she was a good chic. taking care of me etc.

Anyway i found out that her family and her have decided to get her engaged to some other guy (they are an asian family and are very cultural, they did not know alot about me and her)

She obviously has not stood up for what she had going with me.

I just cut contact and broke it off.

I think you did the right thing. In the part I put in bold,you said that she didn't stand up for what you and her had together.



That's no good man. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I was the only one fighting for it's survival. To be honest though,I'm kind of surprised you ended things.



I'm so used to guys coming here,talking about dealbreakers going on in their relationships,them receiving good advice where breaking up is suggested,then them coming back 2 or 3 days later,NOT HAVING TAKEN THE ADVICE,and continuing complaining about being hurt,angry,and/or mistreated by these women.



You breaking up with her shows you're a real man,and you put your pride,self-respect,and your mental/emotional health ABOVE some "hot chick".

In our last talk, she expressed that she still was mine and wanted to stay that way, but i felt the truth wasnt being said. so i ended it.

So she said how much she wanted to be with you and all,but never mentioned the engagement her family had pre-arranged.

Wow.

Not in a "im ballin my eyes out" stage but just a "sh!t how could i have made a mistake like that!"

I guess what i feel bad about is that when i finally made a move to trust a girl, this happens.

I might get bashed for saying this,but I don't care...eventually EVERY GUY is going to trust some girl.


The ONLY way to guarantee not getting hurt with women is to simply BE ALONE. If you get involved with women,YOU WILL GET HURT.



I promise.


Didn't say you'd get cheated on,I said you'd get hurt.


It doesn't matter if she's your girlfriend,wife,f-buddy,friend with benefits,or whatever,if you get involved SEXUALLY with a woman,pain is GUARANTEED.



If it hadn't been this one,it would have been another,and even if this pre-arranged engagement had never happened,if you would have stayed with her,sooner or later she would have did or said or acted in a way that would have hurt you in some way.



That's just how male/female relationships are. Sometimes we even mean well and unintentionally hurt the one we're dating.

I want answers to two questions:
Why do i feel bad?

You feel bad because you're human. We always feel bad when we invest something of ourselves into someone or something and the investment doesn't yield the expected results.


When you decided to see this girl only,this situation you find yourself in now IS NOT what you had planned for the two of you.


Thus,you're dissappointed/hurt. At least you're man enough to admit it.

How do i fix it?

TIME man. You can't make the pain go away. You just gotta hurt until you don't hurt anymore.



Don't be foolish and turn to drugs or alcohol either. They may distract you momentarily,but once they wear off,the pain will be right there.

I am still going to the gym only now 6 times instead of 5 times a week, a new cardio HIIT program.
Im buying a new car soon, possibly getting a new better job paying me good money. have gotten closer to my family, and my friends.

This is all good. It's good to move on with your life instead of wallowing in misery.


You'll still feel bad from time to time,but as time moves on and you continue going about your business,you'll feel bad less and less.

I lost my very prestigious job that alot of people were jealous about. I lost alot of money in stocks etc. But ive still kept my head up and continued smiling. I guess this episode was the last thing i needed.

Advice plz?

Is this the job you moved to Australia for? I remember you being excited and looking forward to moving there.

That sucks dude. Must be the economy. I can see why you'd be down,I mean the situation with this girl just seemed to pile on the problems you've already had.




Well,all we can say is keep your head up man. The situation with you job was something out of your control,but dealing with this girl isn't.




The LAST THING you need right now is UNNECESSARY pain and drama.



I think you did the right thing.


Later bro.

 

[Skydiver43127]

"Why do i feel bad?"

In addition to everything else said you might have a lingering guilt because you see yourself as the white knight who should have "saved" the girl. It's socially accepted that women are feebleminded simpletons having no responsibility for anything they do and it's up to the men to fix everything and save them from the consequenses of their actions. Relationships with BPDs are a great example of how this mindset works.

"How do i fix it?"
In time the memory should fade, unless it's "anchored" to an emotion. If it is the following will happen:
1. You feel sad for whatever reason
2. You remember this girl because you associate "feeling sad" with her
3. The emotion and the memory start a loop - replaying the memory in your head makes you sadder, which in turn makes you replay the memory once again

You think you're still sad about the girl but the job and the money were probebly the triggers. Next time this happens break the loop by asking yourself "why was I sad in the first place" and become aware of what is happening. This will usually amuse you or anger you how easily you fell in this loop. Both amusement and anger are emotions so they will replace the sadness and thus break the cycle.

 

[LovelyLady]

Slickaz,

I have always found it helpful to be honest with myself about warning signs/red flags I chose to ignore about someone - it helps me to take responsibilty for my choices.

See, I believe that it is not the actual loving and trusting/having a relationship in and of itself that is faulty, but rather poor choices that sabatoge the success of a relationship. Sometimes it is the choice of the person in and of itself, sometimes it is choices made while in the relationship.

Usually an error in my judgement of choosing someone who was not right for me, making excuses for the other person, or an imbalance in loyalty - lack of honest communication, not asking the difficult and uncomfortable questions out of fear of being perceived as too needy....

In no way does owning my part in an ended relationship absolve the other person from their responsibilty. But I cannot do anything about their part - but I can learn from my mistakes.

Would you please clarify:

Is this the same woman who 2 1/2 weeks ago you said was "dodgy" and getting questionable text messages? And also you had a date with who got the ride from her ex-boyfriend when she said she was getting a ride from a girlfriend http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=166425

And was this thread actually about you and her- did you actually know this about her already - it just seems odd to me after reading this thread of yours about the guy interested in the girl who comes from a background of arranged marriages... http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1621320#post1621320

Is this the same woman you had trouble believing could be faithful to you while she vacationed with her parents, so you cheated on her? http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=165923

As far as the pain goes - the quickest way is to just go through it. face it, feel it, develop the emotional skills to cope with emotional pain. That way you will not be held prisoner by the fear of not being able to handle heartache in the future.

 

[arutha]

Ya know, the others are probably right about just wading through it, moving on, getting back into the game. But personally, in your situation, I would feel a strong sense of unfinished business, and I think this is what is eating at you most.

Right now, you've broken it off and not really explained why, nor given her a chance to explain. Part of you is still waiting for her to come to you and explain what is going on, be honest.

It may seem a little 'weak' but since its all over anyway and I think you are definitely not AFC, could be worth meeting up with her for a little conversation. Let her know that you know about the arranged marriage, and ask her why she didn't tell you about it. Get a bit of closure, then move on. Even if she gives you BS, it will make you feel better about your decision to end it.

Really crap situation to be in man.

 

[The Rookie]

she didnt stood up for u

which means...**** her

and **** her family i hate cultural old school parents, this is north america.

 

[slickaz]

Damn!! some majorly good advice here.

I am so surprised to find this much good stuff within one day.

Thank you all for it.

Kontroller, thank you for that shake up, That video woke me up and sent shivers down my spine. You are right in saying that I should stand up and walk tall, and i can assure you bro, I am not one to stay down when im beaten down.
I stood up put my feelings, other pressures etc aside and fired her from my life.
I just wanted some answers to myself as to why I feel bad that this happened. I know understand.

It is a mix of what ARUTHRA, LOVELYLADY, RIDINTHELIGHTNING and SKYDIVER have said.

But overall, I feel stupid that I did not spot this outcome from the relationship.

I have reassessed that situation and i will agree there was NO WAY of forecasting this outcome.

LOVELYLADY: No the friend having an arranged marriage is actually another friend of mine. She defied her parents and is now living with my friend. The girl i was dating (the one here discussed here) is not from India. Born and raised in Australia, never travelled out of Australia. I just never thought it would happen to me too. I only found out about this 3 days ago.

IGETIT: Thanks bro, you are always giving that good advice too. I appreciate your support.

Well i have some good news.

1.Yes i dumped her no questions and no answers, I am not giving her a reason now, she needs to know she cant just fvk around with people like that. So let her come chasing me for a reason of why i just dumped her. I know her well and I know her pride of being 'the barbie of the bunch' will mean she'll want a reason why she got dumped when usually it would be vice versa. Even then i dont want to give her a reason but just give her a hint like ' I know you slipped and messed up n i know the truth so..bye'

Fvk it. Ive always been a certified a55hole to everybody and i put that aside towards her and now i know why i never let that guard down.

2. I have today gotten a call from a very big global leading organization with a massive job offer. wanting me to start immediately. This means i am not only back at work, but i also have good money coming in regularly and i am back on my feet. I can now buy another nice car, and get back into the stocks etc. i learnt from my mistakes there and will not repeat them.

3. Ive just come back from a date/dessert/ drinks with a very beautiful and hott jamaican swedish cross HB8.5. who is VERY keen on seeing me again. I have also been invited to a halloween party at a music video presenter's house. She and her friends are hott. so im going to go back to hunting.

4. I spent some time with my old boys today and have repatched up with all of them bar one (his gf, the indian one from LOVELYLADYs post, does not like us boys anymore, she thinks we want him to dump her, so she has manipulated him into hating us, so i tried to fix things up but did not work so....) the rest of them are back to being my boys again.

5. 6th day straight at the gym and getting cut as fvk.

6. Going car shopping on the weekend to get me a nice black on black whip.

so its moving forward well and im happy.

She had to go, and her time was up...i was blind in holding on to it, i saw the signs and ignored them but thats over and done with..

thanks again you guys...sincerely...