I am so done...

[CaptFinnBad]

Even though I was warned against it. I stayed with my girlfriend with mental conditions.

Been growing as a person, getting my **** together all whilst supporting her. Here I am again she's having a breakdown blowing up her world.

She's been stringing me on for over a year now. With false hope she's was going to put in the work regarding working on herself.

I've been hanging onto a fantasy image of her / us and not accepting reality.

She has zero accountability, right now mid breakdown , literally reaching for straws trying to grab non existent reasons from thin air, why others including myself have failed her and are the reason she's having a breakdown. Blame. Blame and more blame.

Reached my limit. Poured my heart and soul into this women. Done everything I can to support her, would continue to support her and build her up. If she would only get some accountability and do what's nessesary.

Realisation that non of it matters. The relationship is stuck and it stinks.

I'm a bit in my own head right now. All I can think of is how to exit, and how to kill the Disney fantasy I've been trying to hang onto and protect.

I don't want her in my life anymore and I don't want to just go out and replace her.

I need to formulate a plan and a mission.

*** Goal/plan whatever***
Pick myself up, heal, and never put myself in such a stupid situation ever again.

After I've re centered. Short term I want to spin plates and have sex with multiple women.

After I've gotten that out my system I want to start looking decent women to settle down with and have children with.

So I need to build myself up so I'm in the best possible position to give myself the best chance.


***Where I'm at/what I have ***

• physical - decent shape (not let myself go but could be better).

• Financial

1. own my own business, it's enjoyable I don't make a lot but enough. Tiny bit more expansion needed for a better quality of life.

2. Ducks in a row regarding pensions, savings , not in debt or anything like that.

3. Own my own home outright, it's decent could do with a tiny bit of attention to detail.

• Overall attractiveness

1. I'm alright looking. Pretty average.

2. Socially, I weigh a little towards the charasmatic side, little bit insecure but mask it well.

To women I come off as super confident and sure of myself. I'm slightly better at interacting with women than men.

I'm constantly having conversations with random strangers in day to day life and having decent interactions. It comes pretty easy to me and I enjoy it.

3. I recently started to update my wardrobe. Lately (happened to me again today in fact) I've been having really attractive women checking me out. Women I would class way out my league if honest.

(Mabye it's a self confidence thing me seeing them as out of my league. )

4. I can connect one on one with people pretty well.


• Social

1. Two really close friends grew up with, although we are all busy and only get together once a month.

2. A close female friend. She's been a really good friend for mabye 20 years.

I kinda avoid her though, as she's let herself go, developed anxieties, is stuck in life and doesn't seem to be able to help herself.

I've tried to encourage her. I find being around her a bit of a mental drain. She's just full of negative energy.

3. Family I have family close by. We don't live far apart, practically neighbours. My niece and nephew bring me so much joy.

4. I have a dog.

5. When out and about working with dogs, (when I'm not actively avoiding people), plenty of opportunity to talk to people and strike up conversations.

• hobbies/interests

1. Gym (alone)

2. Fishing (alone)


**** Plan ****

Going to feel a big fat void. When I'm working I'm alone (mostly by choice) Don't see friends much, my immediate saving grace is my family.

With my girlfriend gone I'm going to feel alone.

1. Gym

2. DIY (I may as well do stuff around the house that NEEDS doing anyways), I'll fit/update the bathroom first as it's the biggest job. Then just tinker on all the small jobs that need doing.

I think throwing myself into the bathroom project will give me something to completely occupy my mind.

3. Want to do a bit of work regarding myself. Read some books regarding red flags, dating , improving mindset e.t.c.

Recommendations????

4. Male friends. I think fishing will save my ass here. There is a local Facebook group I can join, a group of guys I can instantly join that fishes every weekend.

Mabye in the new year's I'll start sleeping with women again. Got to try to make sure I've healed enough to not fall for crazy though.


Advise. Thoughts. ?

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Captain,
Advice?...Sure...Bale out...When...SAP if not sooner.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Hi Captain,
Advice?...Sure...Bale out...When...SAP if not sooner.

CaptSaveahHoe reporting for duty. Honestly she's been my kryptonite.

It's one of my fears I'll just not do it , or she will draw me right back in.

I'm honestly considering walking away, then immediately ripping apart my bathroom, kinda creating a situation/self made crisis that I can't ignore and that needs my immediate attention, focus , time and energy.

Just so I'm not wallowing in self pity thinking about her.

 

[Serenity]

With my girlfriend gone I'm going to feel alone.

I've been in a relationship for over 9 years now, married the last 5 and it's actually going better than ever.

I still think of when we met, specifically where I was at mentally at the time. I was at a point where I had reached wholeness, I was fully comfortable with my life, alone. I felt great, so great in fact that I was hesitant about entertaining women because I slightly feared they'd fvck that up for me, literally the opposite of desperation.

I no longer felt alone, I felt at peace and that was something I had to guard. She never attacked what I have, this is a big reason to why she's still with me. If she made me feel bad I would leave pretty fast, I know I can thrive on my own, I'd rather be alone in that case because I know I could feel much better in that circumstance.

So you should leave her ASAP, there's only the logistics of doing it that you need to think about. When that's all done you SHOULD NOT even consider a relationship until you genuinely feel like you could accept living your entire life alone, and enjoy it. You should not have a void, you should reach a point where you already feel complete and understand the importance of protecting that. Then you can consider a relationship. You won't even need to learn boundaries in an intellectual way, you will feel where the line is and definitely feel when someone is crossing it in a way where you'll literally feel repulsed by her.

If you do not reach that point then you're not strong enough for a relationship, you will be susceptible to not enforcing your own boundaries through stupid excuses. There are no acceptable excuses for giving away your soul.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I've been in a relationship for over 9 years now, married the last 5 and it's actually going better than ever.

I still think of when we met, specifically where I was at mentally at the time. I was at a point where I had reached wholeness, I was fully comfortable with my life, alone. I felt great, so great in fact that I was hesitant about entertaining women because I slightly feared they'd fvck that up for me, literally the opposite of desperation.

I no longer felt alone, I felt at peace and that was something I had to guard. She never attacked what I have, this is a big reason to why she's still with me. If she made me feel bad I would leave pretty fast, I know I can thrive on my own, I'd rather be alone in that case because I know I could feel much better in that circumstance.

So you should leave her ASAP, there's only the logistics of doing it that you need to think about. When that's all done you SHOULD NOT even consider a relationship until you genuinely feel like you could accept living your entire life alone, and enjoy it. You should not have a void, you should reach a point where you already feel complete and understand the importance of protecting that. Then you can consider a relationship. You won't even need to learn boundaries in an intellectual way, you will feel where the line is and definitely feel when someone is crossing it in a way where you'll literally feel repulsed by her.

If you do not reach that point then you're not strong enough for a relationship, you will be susceptible to not enforcing your own boundaries through stupid excuses. There are no acceptable excuses for giving away your soul.

Thank you so much ! This is exactly what I needed to hear.

 

[FlirtLife]

CaptSaveahHoe reporting for duty. Honestly she's been my kryptonite.

It's one of my fears I'll just not do it , or she will draw me right back in.

I recommend you memorize the worst thing she's done to you. Our brains have this tendency to forget the negative, and remember the positive. That's great for maintaining social ties... but it is also great for getting back together with ex girlfriends. Memorize the bad stuff, because your brain won't want to recall that years from now.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I recommend you memorize the worst thing she's done to you.

I recommend everyone to write down your thoughts post-separation.

Post-divorce I had to counter my ex's hostility with fudōshin and not respond emotionally, but I needed to vent, so I turned to my loudest typewriter and pounded out sixty pages of emotional turmoil that saved me from reacting in anger at her passive aggressive hostility and is a permanent record I can turn to lest I forget how she betrayed her vows to me.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

I recommend everyone to write down your thoughts post-separation.

Post-divorce I had to counter my ex's hostility with fudōshin and not respond emotionally, but I needed to vent, so I turned to my loudest typewriter and pounded out sixty pages of emotional turmoil that saved me from reacting in anger at her passive aggressive hostility and is a permanent record I can turn to lest I forget how she betrayed her vows to me.

I recommend you memorize the worst thing she's done to you. Our brains have this tendency to forget the negative, and remember the positive. That's great for maintaining social ties... but it is also great for getting back together with ex girlfriends. Memorize the bad stuff, because your brain won't want to recall that years from now.

It ended tonight. Got a lil messy at points unfortunately, but on fairly good terms.

Thank you both. I will do that tomorrow, that and I'm going to probably start a DIY project just go give me something to do.

 

[Fruitbat]

What kind of breakdown are you talking about.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

@OP - concentrate on work, gym, male friends, positive experiences only, therefore do not date for +/- 3 months. Cut the ties with the former girlfriend, concentrate on healing. Do not rekindle the relationship.

 

[Bingo-Player]

[QUOTE="CaptFinnBad, post: 3139361, member: 158984"

I need to formulate a plan and a mission.

*** Goal/plan whatever***
Pick myself up, heal, and never put myself in such a stupid situation ever again.

After I've re centered. Short term I want to spin plates and have sex with multiple women.

After I've gotten that out my system I want to start looking decent women to settle down with and have children with.

So I need to build myself up so I'm in the best possible position to give myself the best chance.


***Where I'm at/what I have ***

• physical - decent shape (not let myself go but could be better).

• Financial

1. own my own business, it's enjoyable I don't make a lot but enough. Tiny bit more expansion needed for a better quality of life.

2. Ducks in a row regarding pensions, savings , not in debt or anything like that.

3. Own my own home outright, it's decent could do with a tiny bit of attention to detail.

• Overall attractiveness

1. I'm alright looking. Pretty average.

2. Socially, I weigh a little towards the charasmatic side, little bit insecure but mask it well.

To women I come off as super confident and sure of myself. I'm slightly better at interacting with women than men.

I'm constantly having conversations with random strangers in day to day life and having decent interactions. It comes pretty easy to me and I enjoy it.

3. I recently started to update my wardrobe. Lately (happened to me again today in fact) I've been having really attractive women checking me out. Women I would class way out my league if honest.

(Mabye it's a self confidence thing me seeing them as out of my league. )

4. I can connect one on one with people pretty well.


• Social

1. Two really close friends grew up with, although we are all busy and only get together once a month.

2. A close female friend. She's been a really good friend for mabye 20 years.

I kinda avoid her though, as she's let herself go, developed anxieties, is stuck in life and doesn't seem to be able to help herself.

I've tried to encourage her. I find being around her a bit of a mental drain. She's just full of negative energy.

3. Family I have family close by. We don't live far apart, practically neighbours. My niece and nephew bring me so much joy.

4. I have a dog.

5. When out and about working with dogs, (when I'm not actively avoiding people), plenty of opportunity to talk to people and strike up conversations.


Mabye in the new year's I'll start sleeping with women again. Got to try to make sure I've healed enough to not fall for crazy though.


Advise. Thoughts. ?
[/QUOTE]


The problem your going to find is that the dating /sex game changes a lot and it changes fast

Most guys seem to thing they can go into monk mode for 6-12 months and then have women falling at their feet afterwards

it doesn't really work like that , contrary to popular belief the Vast majority of women whom are going to be suitable longer term girlfriends / partners really aren't going to give a flying fvck what you have in terms of a provider persepective

Women are more than capable of providing for themselves so that trope is done and dusted

Now its all about how you make them feel

Are you a funny guy , do you do spontaneous stuff , do you give her tingles does she get excited when she sees a message from you

A lot of guys overlook these aspects

Focus on socialising and more socialising that is all

 

[Divorced w 3]

Hang in there OP

 

[Bingo-Player]

[QUOTE="CaptFinnBad, post: 3139361, member: 158984"

I need to formulate a plan and a mission.

*** Goal/plan whatever***
Pick myself up, heal, and never put myself in such a stupid situation ever again.

After I've re centered. Short term I want to spin plates and have sex with multiple women.

After I've gotten that out my system I want to start looking decent women to settle down with and have children with.

So I need to build myself up so I'm in the best possible position to give myself the best chance.


***Where I'm at/what I have ***

• physical - decent shape (not let myself go but could be better).

• Financial

1. own my own business, it's enjoyable I don't make a lot but enough. Tiny bit more expansion needed for a better quality of life.

2. Ducks in a row regarding pensions, savings , not in debt or anything like that.

3. Own my own home outright, it's decent could do with a tiny bit of attention to detail.

• Overall attractiveness

1. I'm alright looking. Pretty average.

2. Socially, I weigh a little towards the charasmatic side, little bit insecure but mask it well.

To women I come off as super confident and sure of myself. I'm slightly better at interacting with women than men.

I'm constantly having conversations with random strangers in day to day life and having decent interactions. It comes pretty easy to me and I enjoy it.

3. I recently started to update my wardrobe. Lately (happened to me again today in fact) I've been having really attractive women checking me out. Women I would class way out my league if honest.

(Mabye it's a self confidence thing me seeing them as out of my league. )

4. I can connect one on one with people pretty well.


• Social

1. Two really close friends grew up with, although we are all busy and only get together once a month.

2. A close female friend. She's been a really good friend for mabye 20 years.

I kinda avoid her though, as she's let herself go, developed anxieties, is stuck in life and doesn't seem to be able to help herself.

I've tried to encourage her. I find being around her a bit of a mental drain. She's just full of negative energy.

3. Family I have family close by. We don't live far apart, practically neighbours. My niece and nephew bring me so much joy.

4. I have a dog.

5. When out and about working with dogs, (when I'm not actively avoiding people), plenty of opportunity to talk to people and strike up conversations.


Mabye in the new year's I'll start sleeping with women again. Got to try to make sure I've healed enough to not fall for crazy though.


Advise. Thoughts. ?
[/QUOTE]


The problem your going to find is that the dating /sex game changes a lot and it changes fast

Most guys seem to thing they can go into monk mode for 6-12 months and then have women falling at their feet afterwards

it doesn't really work like that , contrary to popular belief the Vast majority of women whom are going to be suitable longer term girlfriends / partners really aren't going to give a flying fvck what you have in terms of a provider persepective

Women are more than capable of providing for themselves so that trope is done and dusted

Now its all about how you make them feel

Are you a funny guy , do you do spontaneous stuff , do you give her tingles does she get excited when she sees a message from you

A lot of guys overlook these aspects

Focus on socialising and more socialising that is all

 

[Divorced w 3]

My son is playing Minecraft On the iPad and just dropped my ex onto voicemail when she called LOL. Take solace in the little things OP

 

[SW15]

@CaptFinnBad -- It looks like you dumped her already. That's Step 1.

Take the rest of the calendar year off of dating. It's difficult to meet new women during this time of year anyway so you're not missing much. Do some emotional healing for the next 5-6 weeks.

After the first of the year, start doing approaches.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Super gay to say green flags OP but nonetheless, rooting you on, see below.

 

[Divorced w 3]

@CaptFinnBad -- It looks like you dumped her already. That's Step 1.

Take the rest of the calendar year off of dating. It's difficult to meet new women during this time of year anyway so you're not missing much. Do some emotional healing for the next 5-6 weeks.

After the first of the year, start doing approaches.

Not sure I agree it being hard to date , you should see the Hinge I just setup. All inbound. 48 hours active

 

[CaptFinnBad]

@CaptFinnBad -- It looks like you dumped her already. That's Step 1.

Take the rest of the calendar year off of dating. It's difficult to meet new women during this time of year anyway so you're not missing much. Do some emotional healing for the next 5-6 weeks.

After the first of the year, start doing approaches.

Definitely got to try to stay away from women for a little while. It think a reasonable timescale/promise to myself is wait until 2025.

I started renovating my bathroom today, purposely made a big dent in the strip phase so I'm beyond the point of no return.

I'm using it as a mission, it's something I have to get done/finished now I've started. So should made it easier to NOT pursue other women or reach out to my ex.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

[QUOTE="CaptFinnBad, post: 3139361, member: 158984"

I need to formulate a plan and a mission.

*** Goal/plan whatever***
Pick myself up, heal, and never put myself in such a stupid situation ever again.

After I've re centered. Short term I want to spin plates and have sex with multiple women.

After I've gotten that out my system I want to start looking decent women to settle down with and have children with.

So I need to build myself up so I'm in the best possible position to give myself the best chance.


***Where I'm at/what I have ***

• physical - decent shape (not let myself go but could be better).

• Financial

1. own my own business, it's enjoyable I don't make a lot but enough. Tiny bit more expansion needed for a better quality of life.

2. Ducks in a row regarding pensions, savings , not in debt or anything like that.

3. Own my own home outright, it's decent could do with a tiny bit of attention to detail.

• Overall attractiveness

1. I'm alright looking. Pretty average.

2. Socially, I weigh a little towards the charasmatic side, little bit insecure but mask it well.

To women I come off as super confident and sure of myself. I'm slightly better at interacting with women than men.

I'm constantly having conversations with random strangers in day to day life and having decent interactions. It comes pretty easy to me and I enjoy it.

3. I recently started to update my wardrobe. Lately (happened to me again today in fact) I've been having really attractive women checking me out. Women I would class way out my league if honest.

(Mabye it's a self confidence thing me seeing them as out of my league. )

4. I can connect one on one with people pretty well.


• Social

1. Two really close friends grew up with, although we are all busy and only get together once a month.

2. A close female friend. She's been a really good friend for mabye 20 years.

I kinda avoid her though, as she's let herself go, developed anxieties, is stuck in life and doesn't seem to be able to help herself.

I've tried to encourage her. I find being around her a bit of a mental drain. She's just full of negative energy.

3. Family I have family close by. We don't live far apart, practically neighbours. My niece and nephew bring me so much joy.

4. I have a dog.

5. When out and about working with dogs, (when I'm not actively avoiding people), plenty of opportunity to talk to people and strike up conversations.


Mabye in the new year's I'll start sleeping with women again. Got to try to make sure I've healed enough to not fall for crazy though.


Advise. Thoughts. ?

The problem your going to find is that the dating /sex game changes a lot and it changes fast

Most guys seem to thing they can go into monk mode for 6-12 months and then have women falling at their feet afterwards

it doesn't really work like that , contrary to popular belief the Vast majority of women whom are going to be suitable longer term girlfriends / partners really aren't going to give a flying fvck what you have in terms of a provider persepective

Women are more than capable of providing for themselves so that trope is done and dusted

Now its all about how you make them feel

Are you a funny guy , do you do spontaneous stuff , do you give her tingles does she get excited when she sees a message from you

A lot of guys overlook these aspects

Focus on socialising and more socialising that is all
[/QUOTE]

I'm not even worried one bit about other women, I find that bit easy.

My struggle is more internal, it's that fact I need women to fill a void. I really need to be content alone for a bit.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Not sure I agree it being hard to date , you should see the Hinge I just setup. All inbound. 48 hours active
View attachment 13472

The conversations are all already on life support though ....where are they going ?