I am not assertive and I fear confrontation.

[FBA808]

I am not assertive and I fear confrontation.

I talk softly and weakly with a low volume. Often times I am not even heard. If I try to overcompensate and talk loudly, it feels strange.

I want to be a leader. I want to be able to say what is on my mind. If someone does wrong, I want to be able to confront them.

Is this something I can change totally? Is this something I can change a little? Is this something I can't change at all?

Examples:

1) At a store, get cut in line, want to speak up and say excuse me actually I think I was here first

2) Playing basketball, person makes a bad call I disagree with, I want to speak up and say that's a bullsh*t call

 

[loveshogun]

If you can honestly say that you do want to make the changes, it is possible.

But, let's tweak how we're thinking about this.

We never really "change" ourselves in our lives. We just become who we really are, over time, through concerted effort. Those who try to go the opposite way from their desires end up with severe neuroses on many levels. These are people who end up with identity crises, mid-life directions changes, and all that other fun stuff that makes you think, "man, I NEVER wanna end up like that."

So remember: The road of self-truth is tough as nails, and you're the only one who can walk it.

Here is my advice for you to do RIGHT now:

I highly encourage you to take up a sport with organized, obligated practices no less than 3 times a week. This will be difficult, especially if you've never done the sport before. You will feel that you are down and out with the activity many times in the first few months, and be on the verge of quitting. I'm telling you that you better not f*cking quit.

After the first few months, you will notice that you develop a rhythm with the sport, you get in tune with it. It feels less jarring and futile. It feels more like you're producing something. These things will happen so gradually you won't even really notice.

But then, you will look at yourself after you've done this for a year, and think that you're a completely different person from when you first started the sport. You will love it, and continue it and you will add even more activities to your schedule. You will find yourself taking opportunities without thinking, without expending effort, because you have naturally trained yourself to pursue what you truly want. In life, as you have trained yourself in sport, your body will just start naturally gravitating towards your objectives, your goals.

This will happen, if you: Do. Not. F*cking. Quit.

Life is a marathon, and you've got to keep moving.

What I've described is the journey of someone who may not be successful on his first, second, third, tenth, or even twentieth try. But he WILL be successful, because he can take the pain and keep on going.

To close, here's a video game metaphor: You will think that life has gotten easier, but you should never think of it that way. You should realize the truth - that YOU have gotten better at living. YOU did that, not some mystical force that paused the game of life and turned down the difficulty level. Life is life, and how you handle it is your business - level up, or perish.

So get out there, pard.

 

[Galactus]

You can change this totally. But you have to be patient. You aren't going to change everything immediately. Just start with picking one thing and changing it.

It's up to you to decide the thing to start with, but don't make it too complex. I would say the first item would be to become more decisive. Make quick choices. Decide on something and take the risk that maybe it may not be the right choice, but they can't always be. That's confidence: not being immobilized by the fear that what you're doing might end badly, even though it might. You have to decide to take risks. If you can't do that, nothing else will follow.

The second thing to do is to look at your posture. If someone sees you from across a room, what do they see? Do they see a confident man? I doubt it. They probably see a guy slouched over, looking at the floor, not making eye contact, not talking to anyone, not smiling, etc.

Get an image in your head of what an assertive man looks like, and start making your posture that way. Then move onto other things. This is at least something to start with.

 

[FBA808]

To close, here's a video game metaphor: You will think that life has gotten easier, but you should never think of it that way. You should realize the truth - that YOU have gotten better at living. YOU did that, not some mystical force that paused the game of life and turned down the difficulty level. Life is life, and how you handle it is your business - level up, or perish.

very interesting

The second thing to do is to look at your posture. If someone sees you from across a room, what do they see? Do they see a confident man? I doubt it. They probably see a guy slouched over, looking at the floor, not making eye contact, not talking to anyone, not smiling, etc.

Get an image in your head of what an assertive man looks like, and start making your posture that way. Then move onto other things. This is at least something to start with.

let me ask you this. what about a scenario where a non-assertive person afraid of confrontation has learned to fake that he is confident, with good posture, muscles achieved from weight lifting, well dressed.... a situation where some confrontations are avoided because it's assumed it will be a confrontation, but when it does, there's fear?