I absolutely self destructed on this girl

[Suvian]

First time poster here
I'm talking to a few girls right now (no gf, but 3 different prospects) but there's this one really cute super nice girl HB9 that is the apple of my eye. What happened was she infiltrated all my normal defenses. My father passed away 4 months ago and it devastated me, in fact I reset just about everything in my life and was building a new path for myself that was more self improving and long term thinking. Ok on to the story of how I met her.

I was sitting on a pool table at this bar and we had met once a long time ago so she went up to me to say hi. Now I think she liked me a little bit, I know she had a good impression of me from the first time I met her. So she starts asking me how I am and I said I wasn't so good because my father passed away not to long ago. She starts talking about her dad, and how he passed away a long time ago and that she knows how hard it is. She initiated kino, told me I could talk to her about it, anyway I played it cool.

Next thing I know, we are messaging each other back and forth on facebook, and she was writing sooo much stuff, and it was all very sweet and about her dad and she was saying how she couldn't wait for me to write her. I'm normally a really smooth and cool person, its my game, but this stuff about her dad and my dad really really got to me. I lost my cool, big time. In my head I was thinking I should try and ask her for her number, I wrote some really good stuff about our dads, real genuine stuff, good writing, and then I wrote that we should grab some coffee so she could show me some of these pictures she had just found of her dad. THEN the next day for some reason I thought I wrote it in a rude way and reasked her out, saying how I should have made sure she was ok with showing pictures that are probably very personal to her. THEN the next day (yesterday feb 7) I completely melted, I wrote ANOTHER message saying how I shouldnt have put her on the spot like that, and that I'm not trying to bother her, and how I hope she understands that I'm going through a rough time, all sorts of weak weak crap man, it was terrible, sooooo terrible. I had to erase the messages because I couldn't look at them anymore. holy crap man I can't believe I wrote all that stuff, i ****ed it up so bad.

The way I see it there are 3 scenarios, either she writes me back (to me, it would be really rude not to considering I just laid my heart out on the table, and she told me to), she doesn't write me back and I never see her again, or she doesn't write me back and I go to this bar where I know she goes and just joke about how I freaked out. Either way I really fell for this chick, the hot ****ty chicks come and go, but this girl is really nice and sweet (I think, I obviously don't know for sure) and it melted me.

I need some advice fellas, I'm so in my own head with this one, theres no way I can talk to my friends about this, its honestly very embarrassing. Personally I think i totally blew it. I have other dates lined up but I want this one, I'm crazy for this chick man! One thing I know I need to do is just chill out and not try and contact her, but is that even the best move?

 

[moneyisking]

sorry about your loss. there is an indication of oneitis.

tell you what i am doing. find master djs with high reps, find their

threads using their cp and read their threads. extremely helpful stuff.

hope you do well

 

[Iceberg]

I need some advice fellas, I'm so in my own head with this one, theres no way I can talk to my friends about this, its honestly very embarrassing. Personally I think i totally blew it. I have other dates lined up but I want this one, I'm crazy for this chick man!

One absolute must-have piece of advice is...leave that Facebook stuff for the kids.

You met her out at a pool hall, right? In public. You had a long, face-to-face chat. So why are you messaging each other so much on Facebook? I got to the point in your post when you said, "I was thinking of trying to get her number" and I was like sh-t....this guy doesn't have her number yet?

I get it. Maybe you were too nervous to ask for her number right away. So you went to Facebook. But as soon as you linked up on Facebook, your first message should have been, "Hey it was great talking to you. What's your number? We'll catch up some time."

Hey everyone has bad days. And you seem smart enough to learn a lesson from this. But pouring out your heart to a random chick is bad enough. Pouring it out without even having her number....eh, you already know...

One thing I know I need to do is just chill out and not try and contact her, but is that even the best move?

You already made the last attempt at contact, right? So the ball's in her court anyway.

 

[supersperms]

1 - sorry for the loss of your old man

2 - there is nothing you can do now - her turn to respond or ignore

3 - you know you f'ed up, so seems like you will learn from the mistake = good

4 - stressing over the situation will not change the outcome - so relax

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

We all have skeletons in the dj closet, you will build yourself to great heights upon a mountain of temporary defeats.

 

[Suvian]

Iceberg, I stand before you a humble and appreciative man. Thanks for reframing the whole situation for me. Facebook messaging is for kids, it was a mistake to go down that route in the first place.

And thanks for the sympathies guys. The fact that it was unexpected (brain aneurysm) and how he was a great man probably has a lot to do with this uncontrollable emotion. Nothing can prepare you for that kind of situation.

 

[scorpio1138]

You learned your lesson.

and speaking about Bill Withers, there is a fantastic documentary about him I just happened to see last night.

"Still Bill"

highly recommended.

 

[Korrupt]

If you would have left it at your asking her out for coffee message, you would have been fine. Sending follow-up messages was un-necessary and chumpish.

 

[Suvian]

Wow I was actually feeling better cuz of the other posts and you go out of you way to tell me something that I already know and have been toiling over this whole time. Thanks for the unnecessary and chumpish reply.

 

[Korrupt]

Wow I was actually feeling better cuz of the other posts and you go out of you way to tell me something that I already know and have been toiling over this whole time. Thanks for the unnecessary and chumpish reply.

I've also been guilty of insulting the people trying to help me on this site so I forgive you.

 

[st_99]

Yeah, I know the feeling, she hooked you real good and now she
has your head spinning. Sounds like infatuation. Its a lesson, don't ever put the cart before the horse.

 

[Falcon25]

Don't worry about it, but it's never too late to do what they do to us, which is send mixed messages. COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER WHEN YOU SEE HER NEXT TIME. Bad boy, don't give a fuvk, beast mode. She has to wonder "was it really this guy who send me those texts???" You have to just be in I don't give a fuvk mode. Only way to save face, and maybe still get in on it. COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER AROUND THIS WOMAN NEXT TIME.

 

[Suvian]

Don't worry about it, but it's never too late to do what they do to us, which is send mixed messages. COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER WHEN YOU SEE HER NEXT TIME. Bad boy, don't give a fuvk, beast mode. She has to wonder "was it really this guy who send me those texts???" You have to just be in I don't give a fuvk mode. Only way to save face, and maybe still get in on it. COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER AROUND THIS WOMAN NEXT TIME.

Yes, thank you dude for writing stuff about how to get back in with this girl. I did learn a lesson here but I'm not done with this girl. I have every intension of getting back in good with her. If I was back in the bar and she was there do something like this:

act like she isnt there and talk to other people and when/if she came up to me say "you turned your back on me so this is me turning my back on you" and walk off, best case scenario I would be around other people too and walk off from them too and actually leave the bar. With the intension of trying to get her to chase me down. The problem with this is if she doesn't approach me I got no idea what to do, other then just trying to live it up to get her attention.

 

[Iceberg]

act like she isnt there and talk to other people and when/if she came up to me say "you turned your back on me so this is me turning my back on you" and walk off, best case scenario I would be around other people too and walk off from them too and actually leave the bar. With the intension of trying to get her to chase me down. The problem with this is if she doesn't approach me I got no idea what to do, other then just trying to live it up to get her attention.

Nah. One thing you never want to do is give the appearance of being hurt. "You turned your back on me, so I'm turning my back on you"....no that just screams that she broke your little heart. Too much like a soap opera.

If your goal is to give the appearance that you don't care, then that means you treat her like a random person. You walk into your bar, say hi to your friends and at some point you smile and say, "What's up (Girl)." And that's it.

The problem is, when I read your original post, I don't see this girl as giving you any hardcore buying signals. At least outside of being a compassionate friend. So, I'm not really sure what her intention was in talking to you..which means that I'm not sure that my advice of backing off will have any effect.

 

[Igetit!]

First time poster here
I'm talking to a few girls right now (no gf, but 3 different prospects) but there's this one really cute super nice girl HB9 that is the apple of my eye. What happened was she infiltrated all my normal defenses. My father passed away 4 months ago and it devastated me, in fact I reset just about everything in my life and was building a new path for myself that was more self improving and long term thinking. Ok on to the story of how I met her.

I was sitting on a pool table at this bar and we had met once a long time ago so she went up to me to say hi. Now I think she liked me a little bit, I know she had a good impression of me from the first time I met her. So she starts asking me how I am and I said I wasn't so good because my father passed away not to long ago.

Sorry to hear about your father man. Losing a loved one is a rough thing for anyone to go through.


I don't mean to be tough on you,but you telling her about your father when she asked you how you were was a mistake. When people say,"How are you doing",they're not really expecting such as heavy response back.


Although your response was truthful,it was DAMAGING as far as building a possible romantic relationship is concerned.



Instead of creating EMOTIONS of attraction,chemistry,excitement,and desireability in her,the FIRST emotions she has LINKED TO YOU are associated grief and the loss of a loved one.


You didn't do this on purpose,but you did do it.

She starts talking about her dad, and how he passed away a long time ago and that she knows how hard it is. She initiated kino, told me I could talk to her about it, anyway I played it cool.

This is BAD. It's REAL BAD.

It's bad,but she's only continuing on what YOU began. Also,the kino she gave you most likely was out of attempt to comfort you because of your loss,not out of flirting or sexual interest.


And her telling you that you could talk to her about it.....sheesh dude. You two have a connection,not a romantic,but one based on tragedy.



That may work in the movies,but in real life,not so much.

Next thing I know, we are messaging each other back and forth on facebook, and she was writing sooo much stuff, and it was all very sweet and about her dad and she was saying how she couldn't wait for me to write her. I'm normally a really smooth and cool person, its my game, but this stuff about her dad and my dad really really got to me.

The best thing you could have done here was try to change the subject,although I have no idea of how you would have done that.

You dropped a bomb on her right from the getgo. It's not easy to just brush something like that aside and talk about something else.


And since it's an emotional topic,one that directly hits home with her,I doubt she would have just let you change it so easily anyway.

I lost my cool, big time. In my head I was thinking I should try and ask her for her number, I wrote some really good stuff about our dads, real genuine stuff, good writing, and then I wrote that we should grab some coffee so she could show me some of these pictures she had just found of her dad. THEN the next day for some reason I thought I wrote it in a rude way and reasked her out, saying how I should have made sure she was ok with showing pictures that are probably very personal to her. THEN the next day (yesterday feb 7) I completely melted, I wrote ANOTHER message saying how I shouldnt have put her on the spot like that, and that I'm not trying to bother her, and how I hope she understands that I'm going through a rough time, all sorts of weak weak crap man, it was terrible, sooooo terrible. I had to erase the messages because I couldn't look at them anymore. holy crap man I can't believe I wrote all that stuff, i ****ed it up so bad.

Wow,you weren't kidding when you said you lost your cool. Wow. Forget about how you two started out. This texting exchange alone would have probably done you in.


This is so bad that even....even I don't know what to say,lol.

I need some advice fellas, I'm so in my own head with this one, theres no way I can talk to my friends about this, its honestly very embarrassing. Personally I think i totally blew it.

Yeah,you probably did. Even if you two do get back in touch with one another,you have one HELL of a mountain to overcome.


You haven't done ANY of the things guys normally do to gain a girl's interest.

No flirting,teasing,no compliments,no use of sexual innuendo,no nothing to make her FEEL any sexual chemistry or excitement.



You did attempt to ask her out,but you told her to bring some pictures of her deceased father along. I don't mean to blast you dude,but damn,how is she suppose to feel any attraction or passion for you showing you pictures of her deceased father?


The LAST THING anybody (male or female) wants to talk about on a date is death.

Don't worry about it, but it's never too late to do what they do to us, which is send mixed messages. COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER WHEN YOU SEE HER NEXT TIME. Bad boy, don't give a fuvk, beast mode. She has to wonder "was it really this guy who send me those texts???" You have to just be in I don't give a fuvk mode. Only way to save face, and maybe still get in on it. COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER AROUND THIS WOMAN NEXT TIME.

Sorry Falcon,but I just don't see how this will work. This guy told this girl about losing his father,then she opened up about losing hers.


That's their bond,that's the connection they have. They talked about it in person,then when they communicated with each other by FaceBook,then when he asked her out for coffee,HE SUGGESTED that she bring photos of her father ON THE DATE. She even told him that he could confide in her about how he was feeling about his father.



So far,EVERY interaction and discussion they've had has revolved around the loss of their fathers,and now out of the blue,you think he should have a "COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER WHEN YOU SEE HER NEXT TIME",and be a "Bad boy, don't give a fuvk, beast mode"?


She'll just think he's nuts. And you know if they do get back in touch with one another,the subject of their fathers will likely come up.


How is he suppose to be a "bad boy/beast" when she brings up the loss of his father?



I don't even know if this can be salvaged. As long as her mind is on them losing their fathers,HER EMOTIONS will likely be there too. And if he can't get her mind off of the tragedies they went through,then he won't be able to her mind and emotions into a romantic mood.


That's just how it is.

 

[Suvian]

I feel better now, I just need time to forget about this whole debacle.

 

[Suvian]

Yo!! She wrote me back, I have no idea what to do here, but I think that I just need to cool off for at least a week?? It looks like shes just being nice but I have no idea. Here is what she wrote.

Hey, I am sorry I have not written you back from your last email Don't apologize for asking that! It didn’t offend me in any way at all & you didn’t put me on the spot I am glad that you wrote to me about your dad & that we were able to talk about all of that stuff. It's nice to think of memories of him. & I’m glad that you could share things about your dad as well. I still mean it that u can talk to me anytime about it all. It is hard to talk about certain things, but it helps to organize your mind a little with the whole dealing with it process. I have to get back to work but please feel to write me about anything anytime & I know u don’t drink but if you ever want to come out with me & my friends to play some pool...etc. that'd be fun Talk to you soon.

I CAN NOT believe I'm putting this whole girls msg on the internet. It is probably the biggest breech of trust I have ever done. But I'm just not in a good place right now and I don't know what to do. I mean is this a no brainer?? It looks like she wants to hang out. Maybe I'm ultra friend zoned here? I say that because of the whole "me & my friends" part. I guess its all good if I'm friend zoned, I don't mind just hanging out with her at this point. That sounds really bad I know to all you pros, but after what I wrote how can you ever come back from that? Need good pro advice here.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

You really need to change your attitude, man. Just from the way you're typing, I can tell that your mood is being controlled by this girl's responses to you. You are losing all your power to her and becoming a needy & desperate wuss. This is like the ultimate form of an AFC.

Here's what you need to do:
1) Change your attitude - you are paranoid over losing this girl, which is in turn causing you to display "friend-like" qualities and hide your sexual intentions. You have a major fear of her rejecting you, and you need to get over it. If you don't get over this, you will continue to suffer as you are right now, wondering whether she's going to respond positively to you, and gauging your happiness based on her responses, not YOUR feelings.

2) Re-read Igetit!'s post. Then read it again. Then make it your mantra.

3) Consider moving on for the time being and cut contact with her. You will repair yourself during this period of time, and regain your pride and integrity.

Peace,
-IITM

 

[Iceberg]

She ignored your request to meet up for coffee. Then she offered for you to hang out with her....and her friends. So, that about sums it up.

If I were going to think about "coming back from that", my first step would be to disappear for a while.

But honestly, like I said earlier, I don't think you ever did anything to make this girl interested in you anyway. So all this strategizing doesn't really even seem necessary. You're sitting around trying to develop a game plan for a girl who barely even knows you're interested.

 

[Credos]

Didn't she just give you your ticket back in... Chill out dude... Go out with her, have some fun . Though like iceberg/Igetit said, with her friends, kinda sums up the intrest she has in you ->LJBF

don't let your moods swing by the answers of this girl man. You gotta get it togheter!

good luck!