Huge fight with the girl - was my comment that rude?

[the_stig]

History is last december we dated non-exclusive for a few weeks, she came on strong but dropped me hard and was with another guy. They broke up and we started talking slowly, then dating again. I've been leary about getting involved again for obvious reasons, i've brought up the past a few with stuff like "I dont want to be your second best or safety net" and she gets upset. She claims she didn't know what she wanted before. Friday she pulled back sexually/physically because she is "shy sexually, isn't totally comfortable, doesn't know if i'm sleeping around and needs to protect herself". Yet she had no problem fvcking me 3 times before when I initiated. We seldom mess around, she'll hardly even make out with me because she "isn't a big kisser" but does all this nice stuff for me; cooks, small gifts, etc.

Tonight I said "guess you dont need me to spend the night if we aren't even phyiscal anymore" and she flew off the handle. Dumb thing to say, but i've told her I don't just want sex and respect her decisions but find her behavior confusing and odd. We argued, I left, she asked me to call when I got home, but texted back saying she was on the phone then going to bed because she was exhausted. I didn't reply. I expect to get dropped tomorrow as her friends probably already turned her against me. Was my comment THAT mean or is she being unrealistic? How should I proceed?

 

[ls9076]

You threw a fit because you weren't getting what you wanted, it was childish and you let your little head think too much tonight. After telling us that you threw a fit, you go on to say that you told her "I don't just want sex and respect your decisions"........if this was really the way you felt, you would be getting laid right now instead of posting this on the forum tonight.

To answer your question, no, your comment wasn't that bad.......just extremely immature. I've made this mistake, as I'm sure others here have too, the point is to learn from it and never let it happen again.

 

[stayfly]

pretty insensitive but oh well

 

[runner83]

If she was going to have a history of reduced s@xual interest in you, then it was bound to end at some stage.

But from your story, it sounds like it was the first time she did this?

I think you shouldn't have reacted the way you did if it was only the first time. Made her feel like you were just in it for the s@x, regardless of what you said.

It would have been better to wait and see if it became a pattern.

And then you could have ended it then.

Even then though, it would have been better to not verbalise it, instead indifference and not saying too much about it, but getting out there and also seeing other chicks.

 

[Igetit!]

History is last december we dated non-exclusive for a few weeks, she came on strong but dropped me hard and was with another guy.

The fact that she came on so strong would have been a YELLOW flag to me. It wouldn't have meant not to get involved with her at all,just to take it easy and proceed with caution.

I would have wondered why she was coming on so strong to someone she hardly even knew. It's somewhat normal for a guy to come on strong,but when a girl does it,especially if she's attractive,it makes my "spider sense" tingle.

They broke up and we started talking slowly, then dating again. I've been leary about getting involved again for obvious reasons,

I understand you being leary,but how do you know so much about her dating life? I guess you assumed there was another guy when she dropped you,that's easy enough,but you somehow even knew when things went bust between them.

i've brought up the past a few times and she gets upset. She claims she didn't know what she wanted before.

Oh...so she "didn't know what she wanted"? Hmm. So that was the reason she left you and started seeing this other guy. Ok. So now that she's back,does that mean she NOW is no longer confused and knows what she wants?


That "I didn't know what I wanted" line was a bunch of crap,as I'm sure you know.


I don't think she's back with you because she suddenly came to her senses and "realized" that it was you she wanted all along,I think she's back simply because things didn't work out with the other guy.



You have cause to be "leary". I don't see how you could be comfortable with her. You said she "dropped you hard",then started seeing someone else. Then they broke up. Now she's back claiming she didn't know what she wanted when she left.


Naw dude,that's too much wackiness for me. And if ALL THAT wasn't enough,you said.....

Friday she pulled back sexually/physically because she is "shy sexually, isn't totally comfortable, doesn't know if i'm sleeping around and needs to protect herself".

So you started seeing her,then she dropped you "hard". Then she went to another guy,then dropped him. And now,she's back with you. She's back,but refuses to have sex with you because she's "not comfortable",although the two of you have already had sex before MULTIPLE TIMES.

Wow. All that drama for someone you're not even in a relationship with.


THE FIRST THING I would have done she when said that "doesn't know if you're sleeping around/needs to protect herself" line was throw it right back in her face.


I would have been like,"What???? Need to protect yourself? Wait a minute......you left me,ok? YOU stopped seeing me. You CHOSE to go be with another guy. THE WHOLE REASON we have to re-connect or comfortable with each other again is because of a decision YOU MADE,ok? I was cool just hanging out and kickin' it with you,but because you "didn't know what you want",you went out and got with some other dude,so don't give me that "I need to protect myself bullsh!t".

I'm not the one who left,YOU did. I don't know what all you did with this other guy. If anybody needs to "protect themselves" (and use the air quotes when you say this),it should be me".


This would probably piss her off even more,but so what. There's a time to be cool and let some remarks roll off your back,and there's a time to blow up.

I would have went off on her for that "need to protect myself" sh!t. She left you to go be with another guy,then comes back and says she needs to protect herself because of YOU? Dude,I would have went off.

This is DIFFERENT from the remark you made. Yours was insensitive. With this remark,you know FULL WELL what you're saying,and make NO APOLOGIES for saying it.

And if it offends her,then TOUGH.

It was HER who set all this in motion by deciding to leave in the first place.

Tonight I said "guess you dont need me to spend the night if we aren't even phyiscal anymore" and she flew off the handle. Dumb thing to say, but i've told her I don't just want sex and respect her decisions but find her behavior confusing and odd.

You contradicted yourself. You told her you didn't want just sex from her,but your remark IMPLIED that the ONLY REASON for spending nights with her were for sex. You also tried to backpeddle after putting your foot in your mouth,lol.



Yes,your remark was "rude". It's not always bad to offend someone,it's just WHAT YOU SAY that determines whether it's bad or not.


What you said was BAD. The remark I would have made probably would have offended her as well,but she would have known that SHE WAS AT FAULT and that it was HER ACTIONS that set things up to play out the way they did.

 

[Allurre]

Don't think too much about it. Just move on, and if she returns to you, you've still got her.

What you said however, was insensitive, but a slip of our lips is common.

Just don't over think it was it may only lead to more frustration.

 

[Jblitz59]

it sounded like you let your resentment speak. good or bad that is what occurred

 

[the_stig]

I feel awful about it today, especially because she's been nothing but sweet to me. How can I go about apologizing while keeping my dignity?

 

[the_stig]

Read the above and focus on the bold items.

You are the backup guy. She wants to be fvcking this first man. Right now she still feels on the line with him. Which is why she is not totally commiting to you. She has deniability with both him and with you, and she will keep it that way.

Rollo Tomassi has another word for this, "fillibustering".

If you had two girls on the line and one was a decent second choice, would you not do the same? Make certain your options with the first one were gone before you commited to the second one? Keep the second one on tap until you knew the first one was done for good? Bottom line, you are getting played.

As for your comment. It was passive aggressive, but who cares, just walk from her. You should be second choice to nobody. Even if suddenly right now she decided that she wanted you now, in the end, you (and she) will know that you were the number two guy on her list.

Great post.

Her story about this guy is that they were friends, decided to give it a try, he showered her with gifts and expensive items but wouldn't even be intimate with her and turned out to be a jerk so she called it off. Supposidly they did not even have sex. It doesn't make sense to me but she is adamant it's true and claims to be over him as it was only a few weeks.

 

[Trump]

Tonight I said "guess you dont need me to spend the night if we aren't even phyiscal anymore" and she flew off the handle. Dumb thing to say, but i've told her I don't just want sex and respect her decisions but find her behavior confusing and odd. We argued, I left, she asked me to call when I got home, but texted back saying she was on the phone then going to bed because she was exhausted. I didn't reply. I expect to get dropped tomorrow as her friends probably already turned her against me. Was my comment THAT mean or is she being unrealistic? How should I proceed?

Like IGETIT said, your comment is contradictory. You don't want to spend time with her if she won't give you sex, yet you told her you don't just want sex with her and respect her decisions? Makes no sense.

You shouldn't have to explain yourself to a girl, just less contact. Telling a girl you find her behavior "confusing and odd" shows no options on your end, no confidence.

 

[PapiChulo]

She totally wants that other guy to f*&ck her, not you. They always withdraw sex if you are the safety net, a back-up or whatnot.

Time to next her, she will come crawling back anyway. Meanwhile she is trying to get with guy #1, who does not want her. Maybe he is still banging her? I would not be surprised.

 

[The Piano Master]

Your girl is cheating on you.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Read the above and focus on the bold items.

You are the backup guy. She wants to be fvcking this first man. Right now she still feels on the line with him. Which is why she is not totally commiting to you. She has deniability with both him and with you, and she will keep it that way.

Rollo Tomassi has another word for this, "fillibustering".

If you had two girls on the line and one was a decent second choice, would you not do the same? Make certain your options with the first one were gone before you commited to the second one? Keep the second one on tap until you knew the first one was done for good? Bottom line, you are getting played.

As for your comment. It was passive aggressive, but who cares, just walk from her. You should be second choice to nobody. Even if suddenly right now she decided that she wanted you now, in the end, you (and she) will know that you were the number two guy on her list.

This is a great post and exactly what I was thinking as I read the original post. You are getting played hard bro. On top of that, your SCARED to "lose her," which is why you feel bad and want to apologize today.

But let me ask you this....WTF are you losing?? Someone who can't make up their own mind and then blames you for it? Someone who won't fuvk you but cooks a mean steak? Someone who probably will flip flop back and forth on how she "feels about you" when she clearly doesn't feel enough of anything to try and keep you around.


Bottom line is this: when a girl is totally into you and doesn't want to lose you she will never do this stupid stuff to you. But a girl who has other options and sees you as just another in her rotation will........








PIMP

 

[Strelok]

1) your comment wasn't that rude,it was probably in the sarcasm artillery.

2)As the guys told you,the problem is that she is leading and knows pretty well that you're into her more than she's into you.
This is the reason why you feel bad and in doubt about your apologies,you actually dont think that comment was that bad otherwise you would not have come here to ask for confirmations.

3)No matter how evil you are to a girl,she will be as much if not more with less reasons than you.
What she did prove this point and the fact that she cries of play the sadness card is not connected in any way to the action responsible.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

She claims she didn't know what she wanted before. Friday she pulled back sexually/physically because she is "shy sexually, isn't totally comfortable, doesn't know if i'm sleeping around and needs to protect herself"

NEXT.

This girl sounds like a classic BPD. Any woman who's initially sexual with you, and then turns it off citing "comfort" issues, is playing you. This is the surest indication that her genuine desire for you has been compromised. Any sex you have after this will be based on her negotiated terms for compliance, not her passionate desire to ƒuck you. Obligatory sex is prostitution. NEXT.

 

[the_stig]

NEXT.

This girl sounds like a classic BPD. Any woman who's initially sexual with you, and then turns it off citing "comfort" issues, is playing you. This is the surest indication that her genuine desire for you has been compromised. Any sex you have after this will be based on her negotiated terms for compliance, not her passionate desire to ƒuck you. Obligatory sex is prostitution. NEXT.

The problem is that no matter how many other girls I'm dating I have such an unhealthy case of oneitis for her. She's pretty but has such a lively and fun personality that just about every other girl seems dull. She texts me often throughout the day, I don't respond to every text and never initiate them but it sure makes you get attached that much quicker. It's almost 2pm, haven't heard from her, and I sure feel the anxiety. Not good

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

I feel awful about it today, especially because she's been nothing but sweet to me.

Dude, she hasn't been nothing but sweet to you. She slept with you, dumped you for someone else, then went back with you. Now she's withholding sex.

You have every right to bring that up, because she's obviously screwing someone else.

When a woman says "I don't/didn't know what I want/ed," the natural inference is that, although she doesn't know what she wants, she knows she doesn't want you.

If you dump her before she dumps you, at least you'll respect yourself more than waiting for her to dump you.

 

[Diaforetikos]

Man, bust her out on her own sh!t! Do exactly what Igetit said. She needs to know that your not a dumba** who doesn't understand the fvckin' situation.


My keyword I love to you use is NOPE!! Say it with me... NOPE!!



Use it to her face. Next time, if there is a next time, she acts dumb like that, say NOPE in a loud voice, then proceed to bust her on her sh!t. Works well for me. Now my girl doesn't do dumb crap anymore, and I have no reason to have any form of argument.

The power of NOPE!

 

[1 Bad Dude]

Here's whats going on:

She likes you, is attracted to you, but, he is to her what she is to you - more lively than the rest. Get that?

Now. He got her, then had buyers remorse so he dropped her. She couldn't get him back so she came back to you. A reliable standby. She has you secured now so she throws it in his face. His ego gets hurt at her moving on so quick and tries to get her back. Now she's placing you back in standby.

Listen to everyone her and move on. NOW! Go no contact and don't look back.