How'd I handle this situation with gf

[SeeThruIt]

we had a little party two weekends ago and most of her co-workers showed up.

One guy in particular was being a little too flirty and she was acknowledging it but not so much engaging. I thought this was unwarranted behavior as I was present.

I avoided her pretty much entire night and she sensed something was up. I didn't want to say anything as it would have been our first "argument" in her eyes. Figured I'd try sleeping on it.

Morning comes and it was still bothering me so I brought it up. Pretty much explained she was acknowledging flirting and it made me feel disrespected that I was there. Said I know everyone flirts, I'm sure you do and I know I do but out of respect it shouldn't occur when we're together. It can easily be brushed off.

Of course she takes it as I don't like her personality blah blah trying to turn it around. Asking if I'm trying to control her. I was very calm throughout and did not let her turn it into something else. I simply reinstated that her behavior made me feel disrespected and I wanted her to know and I was slightly disappointed in her. That's all. Thought you should know.

She says ok I respect you telling me... (10 min later) brings it back up trying to again make it into something else and as I ignored her attempt she says she loves me and wasn't intentionally trying to be disrespectful that she talks like that with that guy and others playfully at work so she sees no wrong.

I again said it was disrespectful to do in front of me. If you don't understand that I don't know what else to say. She then apologizes and says she didn't mean to hurt my feelings. Then all is well.

Now fast forward to today, things have been seeming off. She's almost not present. I think she never had a guy call her out on her bad behavior and she seems like she's distant because I wasn't afraid to.

What do you guys think?

 

[SeeThruIt]

i think you failed a major sh*t test

but more importantly, your girlfriends overall perception of you is not good.

How did I fail a sh*t test?

You're saying I should have just let her get away with that behavior?

 

[speed dawg]

Not sure if it was a sh*t test, but you still failed in your behavior. This is the telltale sign:

Now fast forward to today, things have been seeming off. She's almost not present.

Her Interest Level in you took a big hit. And let's not play like you "called her out". You acted insecure. You should have known when you entered her environment, with her co-workers, this sort of thing would happen. You were probably feeling insecure because they all knew each other and you were on the outside looking in. Well, it's probably going to cost you your girlfriend. And then, you got all butt-hurt and chewed her out over it. Fail.

If she was really being flirty with this guy, then you may already have had problems you just over-looked. You got good advice on this chick here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=215770

I'm guessing you're still following her around like a puppy and not leading her.

Also, put your age on your profile before you post in the Mature Man forum.

 

[SeeThruIt]

I didn't get butt hurt I just didn't like she was flirting in front of me. Are you saying it was best I didn't tell her what she was doing wasn't something I'd put up with?

I think I have a right to mention when certain behaviors don't agree with what I expect.

So if it were you in this scenario you'd just let it happen and not mentioned anything?

 

[speed dawg]

I didn't get butt hurt I just didn't like she was flirting in front of me. Are you saying it was best I didn't tell her what she was doing wasn't something I'd put up with?

I think I have a right to mention when certain behaviors don't agree with what I expect.

So if it were you in this scenario you'd just let it happen and not mentioned anything?

From your previous post, it seems like that is just the way this girl is. Somewhat of an attention wh*re. And like they said in that thread, best thing you can do is just do something else when she is flirty. Or live with it. Your choice.

I mean obviously your behavior in this situation turned her off. Do you want us to lie to you?

 

[SeeThruIt]

From your previous post, it seems like that is just the way this girl is. Somewhat of an attention wh*re. And like they said in that thread, best thing you can do is just do something else when she is flirty. Or live with it. Your choice.

I mean obviously your behavior in this situation turned her off. Do you want us to lie to you?

No I just feel it's an unspoken thing out of respect to not flirt when the significant other is around. Am I wrong for thinking that?

 

[bmp2cpm]

If you're gonna stay with this girl, then you'll be dealing with male competitors a lot, based on how you describe her personality and actions. Doesn't sound like you're prepared for that.

I've gotta ask.....at the party...when you saw this guy with your girl....did you do anything outside of watch it happen?

Did you go up to him at all? Talk to him? Shake his hand hard and not letting go for a while? Anything to show him or your girl that you can defend your mate? I'm not saying get physical or verbal here....but a little body language can go a long way with your girl and with male competitors. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be politically correct.

There's one really good blogger out there that once said something like an unhappy woman will give their man an ultimatum and a fitness challenge.

The ultimatum is letting you know she's unhappy with the relationship and giving you a chance to fix it ASAP or else. The fitness challenge is seeing which of the 2 men handles the situation the best. If her man does nothing but seem insecure....then the other guy pretty much has an in with her.

Forget all the political crap you know.....if a man seems to be moving in on your girl you need to 1) work the the relationship and 2) deal with the guy, e.g. body language, getting in between them at the party. Something to show both that you consider her your girl. Think Scott Summers in the last scene of the last X-Men movie.

Honestly though...this one doesn't seem to be worth all the trouble. A girl with very high interest would never act this way.

Here's more detailed info on how a man challenges and moves in on a taken woman.

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/12/what-it-means-when-she-tells-you-she-kissed-another-man/

 

[Greasy Pig]

One way to handle it is to flirt with other women in front of her. when she confronts you about it, then you have the conversation.

 

[SeeThruIt]

I've gotta ask.....at the party...when you saw this guy with your girl....did you do anything outside of watch it happen?

Did you go up to him at all? Talk to him? Shake his hand hard and not letting go for a while? Anything to show him or your girl that you can defend your mate? I'm not saying get physical or verbal here....but a little body language can go a long way with your girl and with male competitors. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be politically correct.

When she introduced me to him as her bf, I shook his hand hard while making eye contact. It wasn't until she was a bit tipsy that he started the flirting.

During that I had her next to me while my hand was on her ass and her waist pulling her against me. Then I left the room when her behavior became too annoying for my taste (I genuinely hate drunk girls in any form)

At one point we were all in the same room and she said something about the seating, that there wasn't enough for everyone.

In his attempt to be funny while flirting he says "why? Your ass seems fine for sitting"

I responded "nah man I think she's referring to having more chairs" while staring at him. He started to nervously laugh as from being caught off guard.

Funny thing is he was quiet after that and then grabbed his stuff and left the party 5-10 min later.

 

[speed dawg]

No I just feel it's an unspoken thing out of respect to not flirt when the significant other is around. Am I wrong for thinking that?

No, it is disrespectful. But as other posters have said, you should have dealt with it at the party, or just moved on. You can always leave her if her behavior is inappropriate. But overtly talking about this with her ONLY makes you look insecure.

When she introduced me to him as her bf, I shook his hand hard while making eye contact. It wasn't until she was a bit tipsy that he started the flirting.

During that I had her next to me while my hand was on her ass and her waist pulling her against me. Then I left the room when her behavior became too annoying for my taste (I genuinely hate drunk girls in any form)

At one point we were all in the same room and she said something about the seating, that there wasn't enough for everyone.

In his attempt to be funny while flirting he says "why? Your ass seems fine for sitting"

I responded "nah man I think she's referring to having more chairs" while staring at him. He started to nervously laugh as from being caught off guard.

Funny thing is he was quiet after that and then grabbed his stuff and left the party 5-10 min later.

Sounds like you ran him off. Good for you. Problem is, you talked with her about it. Again, a no-no.

This girl is what she is. Sounds like she's a flirt who you'll have to be concerned about when she's on her own or drunk. Who needs that? Relegate her to f*ck buddy status. If she'll still do it.

 

[SeeThruIt]

I understand how talking about it would come off as insecure, but I was calm and only mentioned how I basically thought it was rude behavior. To me it was like a warning that I won't tolerate that without overtly saying so.

Now if it happens again she won't be left confused as to why I decided she's not worth my time. At least that's the idea.

I made sure not to berate her or make it into an argument / try to control her actions. Just wanted to express disappointment and leave it up to her to now act accordingly knowing I could walk away if I felt that disappointment again.

 

[The Duke]

I think you did the right thing. You stayed calm, let her know how you felt and called her out. She got butt hurt about it and still didn't like it.

No point in keeping a girl like that if she can't see the errors of her ways and you were fair in how you presented it.

You didn't fail anything. Some of these guys are too hung up on pua lingo and sounding cool.

 

[guru1000]

So you imposed a boundary, and now she’s distant. Good, be more distant. Disappear completely for a few days to a week, “unintentionally.” And watch the subsequent fireworks and compliance. Enjoy.

--Guru

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

During that I had her next to me while my hand was on her ass and her waist pulling her against me.

This is mate guarding<----- insecure behavior.

I see this happen all the time. I'll be in the Gym working out next to an attractive woman then her BF will pop up out of nowhere and plant a kiss on her. Every time I see something like this I just smile. He's being insecure about another male next to his gf, I know it, and she knows it.

Pretty much explained she was acknowledging flirting and it made me feel disrespected that I was there.

You didn't learn anything from that last thread. You can't talk logically to women about these things. It will only lower her attraction for you.

There's been good advice here already. Try to absorb it, internalize it.

I understand how talking about it would come off as insecure, but I was calm and only mentioned how I basically thought it was rude behavior. To me it was like a warning that I won't tolerate that without overtly saying so.

Now if it happens again she won't be left confused as to why I decided she's not worth my time. At least that's the idea.

Eh, still, this is not the way. It's all about the attraction level, her attraction is now lowered. I understand it's rude and disrespectful.....but why is she being disrespectful to you in the first place? Because she doesn't respect you. You can't ask her to respect you more. I feel you're getting out Alpha'd in these situations. You even said the other guy was standoffish at first, but he eventually read through you, and your woman naturally accepted it.----> Let the true Alpha prevail here.

I think you've been categorized as the beta provider. Not sure what you can do to get out of that role, but dropping the insecurity will be a start.

You can always walk away as well. If she's doing behavior that you don't like then just exit the relationship. <-----This, in iteself, will increase her respect level for you, which, in turn, will increase her attraction. Talking to her about her behavior will do none of this, IMO.

 

[SeeThruIt]

This is mate guarding<----- insecure behavior.

I see this happen all the time. I'll be in the Gym working out next to an attractive woman then her BF will pop up out of nowhere and plant a kiss on her. Every time I see something like this I just smile. He's being insecure about another male next to his gf, I know it, and she knows it.


You didn't learn anything from that last thread. You can't talk logically to women about these things. It will only lower her attraction for you.

There's been good advice here already. Try to absorb it, internalize it.



Eh, still, this is not the way. It's all about the attraction level, her attraction is now lowered. I understand it's rude and disrespectful.....but why is she being disrespectful to you in the first place? Because she doesn't respect you. You can't ask her to respect you more. I feel you're getting out Alpha'd in these situations. You even said the other guy was standoffish at first, but he eventually read through you, and your woman naturally accepted it.----> Let the true Alpha prevail here.

I think you've been categorized as the beta provider. Not sure what you can do to get out of that role, but dropping the insecurity will be a start.

You can always walk away as well. If she's doing behavior that you don't like then just exit the relationship. <-----This, in iteself, will increase her respect level for you, which, in turn, will increase her attraction. Talking to her about her behavior will do none of this, IMO.

Good response but I honestly don't think it was insecurity and/or beta. If I hadn't said anything and just allowed it to happen that's "alpha"? So if I see her sucking another guys d*ck the alpha thing to do would be to clap and congratulate her?

I mean I get what you're saying but I simply was setting a boundary. A really simple one. I told her we all flirt I wasn't trying to control her out of insecurity. She just needed to realize with my presence she should know better.

Yes I know it's a logical approach but I can't make her understand that on an emotionally level can I? Maybe she doesn't respect me. Maybe she's just clueless and doesn't know how to filter herself in group situations, it felt better to explain how her actions made me feel.

If she lost attraction over that it's probably because she realized I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of thing if it's something I find important. Maybe she doesn't feel so invincible anymore

 

[Shaka]

if she doesn't behave properly, withdraw your attention. You can communicate like that, coverly.
Start seeing other women

 

[SeeThruIt]

if she doesn't behave properly, withdraw your attention. You can communicate like that, coverly.

That's what I did that night into the morning until she asked if everything was ok because I seemed distant. If I didn't explain how would she have known what bad behavior it was?

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

If I hadn't said anything and just allowed it to happen that's "alpha"?

No, you can't "allow" it, but it seems you are allowing it, and even worse, rewarding this behavior. After she pulled these moves, what did you do? You talked to her about it.<-----women love this, which is why I feel it's rewarding her. Yes, you told her you didn't like it BUT, while talking to her, you still confirmed your exclusivity and attraction for her. She disrespected you, and you still overtly stated that you still wanted to be her bf.

This may seem minor, but it's not IMO. She knows you're still going to stick around. If anything, she'll do it more just to cause some drama, which will give her a reason to go fvck some other guys, all the while knowing you'll eventually come back, and give her more attention, drama, and further confirm that you're still attracted to her. <-----This is what you've shown you would do.

So if I see her sucking another guys d*ck the alpha thing to do would be to clap and congratulate her?

Of course not. You walk away, and don't look back.

I mean I get what you're saying but I simply was setting a boundary. A really simple one. I told her we all flirt I wasn't trying to control her out of insecurity. She just needed to realize with my presence she should know better.

You're right, she should know better. But she doesn't. Why doesn't she? Is it because she's a total dumba$$? Or is it, like you said, because she doesn't respect the relationship, or possibly you?

Yes I know it's a logical approach but I can't make her understand that on an emotionally level can I? Maybe she doesn't respect me. Maybe she's just clueless and doesn't know how to filter herself in group situations, it felt better to explain how her actions made me feel.

Fair enough. But why are you putting up with this behavior in the first place? Does she have any fear of you walking away, you cheating? Or is all the fear yours? It sounds like you're more invested in the relationship than she is. She knows she can get away with this behavior, she knows you two can talk about it, and, in the long run, you'll still be there for her.

If she lost attraction over that it's probably because she realized I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of thing if it's something I find important. Maybe she doesn't feel so invincible anymore

Does she really feel you're not going to tolerate it? And that's why she's gone distant? What happens if she gets back in contact with you? Are you going to be the happiest man in the world? Or are you going to kick her to the curb for going distant in the first place? I feel it's the former, and I also feel she knows this. She is in control: you will wait for her, you will stand by while she goes ghost and does what she wants. Then you will be there with open arms when she comes back. She may have to sit by for a while first while you tell her what you didn't like about her past behavior. But that's fine. It will be about her, her favorite subject. And she'll abide by your rules...for a little while, until she gets bored again. Then she'll rinse and repeat. You're never truly going anywhere. She means too much to you.


Talking about things can resolve some problems, I agree, however, in certain situations, women can read right through you. Telling her can be a temporary fix to her behavior. But does she want to change her behavior? And will that change in her behavior be permanent? IMO, by talking to her about this you're dealing with things at surface level. You need to look deeper.


If a woman does this to me, for whatever reason, I don't care. If it is actual flirting/mating behavior with another man, then she is showing me she is not a suitable mate for me. Great, now I know. They then, in turn, sense my behavior, my withdrawal, and they either try to pull me back in, by changing their behavior, or they continue with their current behavior, in which case I'm gone. And, I'll tell you, 99% of the time, they change their behavior.


After thinking about it more, possibly the only option for you now is to walk away. Say something along the lines of this: Do what you want, I'm not feeling this relationship any more, good luck to you.

Then walk away.

That's what I did that night into the morning until she asked if everything was ok because I seemed distant. If I didn't explain how would she have known what bad behavior it was?

Not sure how this exactly went down, but this screams butt hurt. You were like a puppy dog who's owner treated him bad. And all it took was a little confirmation of love from her, then you're back wagging your tail, and following her around like a good little doggy.

 

[SeeThruIt]

So you're saying whenever a girl does something you don't approve of the only thing to do is walk away and hope she figures out why you did?

 

[Vulpine]

So you're saying whenever a girl does something you don't approve of the only thing to do is walk away and hope she figures out why you did?

Having a cutie on your arm means you have to at least "pretend" that's how it normally is: a hot chick is always with you. This means you have to display a certain amount of confidence.

Myself, when my frau is working the crowd and dude's are flirting, of course, in my head, I'm thinking: "uh-oh". But my mouth doesn't say that...

Without fail, while I think about her antics, I let my eyes find a hotter chick at the venue. Instead of continuing to think about her antics, I let my thoughts drift to an opener on the hotter chick. That usually gets my mind right.

Then, I let her catch me staring at the hotter chick instead of overtly calling out her crap behavior. When she looks to see what I'm staring at, the message is loud and clear: her actions WILL yield unintended results.

It's a form of agree/escalate.

Of course, women have done the freak-out thing about me simply looking at the other hot chick. I simply look at whichever dude, then back at her, then raise an eyebrow as if to say, "Oh?" No words. She knows her game; you know her game; she knows you're winning at her game.

Which, of course, can escalate the chick's dramatics, to which I'm renowned for offering a stern look and cutting them off with: "Wanna talk about it?" Anyone who knows me knows they won't like the pending outcome. They now have a choice between having their day wrecked, or cutting the crap, with little or no words to follow.
:box: