how would you want your GF to tell you...

[marge s.]

... that she wants more alternation in bed?

Hi guys,

I just read the 'DJ Bible' re Sex. Excellent stuff!

I'm in a LTR with a gorgeous guy. We're living together and actually everything's fine.. but Sex. Don't get me wrong, it is good and feels good. But after living together several months it gets a little... monotonous.

I am insecure about how to tell him without hurting his feelings. Especially as he's going through a difficult time jobwise. When I suggest another position or place he seems to listen, but in the end its always the same old same old. And not very often either.

I know that he watches Porn. I'm not too happy about it, because I think... if he's not happy with our sexlife... well I'm not either! And instead of looking for excitment in the internet I rather want him to sort things out with me.

OK, I would please need some tips on how to tell him nicely that I need a little more attention?

Thanks guys

 

[jkirk1626]

show him

Here's my experience with a very similar situation where I was the tame guy and she wanted more variety.

The girl literally just said, "you lie like this," then she took her position and showed me what she wanted. To me, it was great bc it showed she wanted me. I didn't see it as any sort of dissatisfaction on her part, just as a way for her to do, share and experience more w me.

Also, avoind any negative comment about anything. Skip mentioning anything at all about the your routine positions. Instead, try a "let's try this [because you're so sexy and I want you so much]" approach. If you go with an I-can't-get-enough-of-you approach, I think he'll be flattered.

Guys are performance oriented. We want to know that we did a good job. So, tell him that you like the routine so much, you just have to get even more of him, "like this [insert your idea here]".

The job front is a sore spot for guys. Your being there for him like this will not be forgotten when you start to have your rough times and when youth starts to fade for both of you.

(Would you lease have a go at my post: 05-28-2005 11:06 PM
by jkirk1626 "Poll: Do u keep applying DJ techniques 2Long-term relats"?)

 

[libre]

UummH? You've got me there.

How about you call him to the bedroom when he gets home and you «offer» your little bottom up to him backwise?

If he doesn't get it, pleaaaase, call me!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

It's probably going to be difficult depending on how bad things are going on at his job. The old tried and true way may be one of the few things he feels he does well or feels comfortable in doing if he is feeling depressed. it is possible that he is just going through the motions.

If this is the case, it may be best if you take the reigns and lead the dance for a while. You may even consider asking him what he fantasizes about. Just be sure not to show any negative facial impressions or negative talk if he mentions something you aren't into. If you do, he may never open up to you about sex again.

 

[marge s.]

thank you for your thoughts...

I think you hit some points there. Perhaps some more details... There're a number of issues we're dealing with and making me cautios with my actions.

Jobwise, he just had a very bad experience in his job. He quit and decided to go for a major career change. This comes with 'back to uni' and doing badly paid jobs. And it doesn't help that all his friends are very sucessfull and settled, driving big cars, building houses, etc... while he's working crazy hours in a students job, being by far the oldest and (on top) losing his hair !!! (Of course I'm laughing only here about his bold spot, since this seems to be a real issue - although I think he looks really cute. With our without hair). Another issue for him is (I believe) that I earn more than he does for now.

I think it's great that he makes this effort and refuses to stick to a job he wouldn't enjoy only because it's more convenient. But it's tough for him at the moment and the last thing he needs is me nagging on top of it. Sometimes he is quite sensitive and then the atmosphere is dense. But if our lovelife would be better it might do him good too not only me

Another point in me being insecure is that we don't know each other for that long. Things developed very quickly between us (which is sometimes quite difficult). Although we're living together for eight months now, we don't know each other for much longer. We consider this to be LT, but in fact we are still in the process of getting to know each other. So, there's still a bit of insecurity on both sides. Plus there're again some more major changes (relocationwise) ahead, which involves visa issues, i.e. paperwork, money and commitments on both sides.

I did ask him for his phantasies and he came up with a couple of things (I liked the ideas too) but it somehow never happens. It seems always to be too little time, too tired, too hot, too cold, too whatsoever... and I'm cautios with pushing it, considering it might put him under even more pressure

 

[( . )( . )]

I personally dont think its possible for a woman to train a man to excite her in bed.
It just doesnt work that way, sure maybe temporarily but the lack of spontaneity and an expectation of whats going to happen next will create boredom for her once again.

And this assumption:

know that he watches Porn. I'm not too happy about it, because I think... if he's not happy with our sexlife... well I'm not either! And instead of looking for excitment in the internet I rather want him to sort things out with me.

Has absolutely no bearing on your current problem, simply for the fact men will often masturbate even when they are satisfied sexually by their partners.

 

[marge s.]

This porn thingy was perhaps a bit misleading. I don't mind him watching porn... as long as I'm not getting neglected anyway!

As long as he gives me the feeling of being appreciated and wanted I don't care what movies he watches. It's the insecurity about not having a perfect body and not being completely uninhibited what makes women (and me) reluctant re porn. And yes (I know that comes next ) ... I have suggested to watch it together - but he isn't interested. He said it's 'something very private'?????

And I don't want to 'train' him. If I would believe he is really happy with what we got I wouldn't post here. But I think he is not either...

 

[DJDamage]

Ok lets stop walking on egg shells here. Have you thought maybe you are not as attractive as you can be and thus he does not get "really turn on" when its time to get into bed.

Women in LTR often neglect their looks after being in a guy for sometime. They stop going to the gym, stop doing their hair or make up, eat alot of bad food and grow bigger and start to b1tch and nag more. When you diminish your looks and attitude it becomes a turn off. You may think its ok for guys to accept you without all these things because he has been with you this long but its not.

Ever thought maybe he is looking at porn because he can't have that at home? Maybe all you need to do is go to the hair saloon get a nice makeover, get a nice dress and go out with him and paint the town red (have drinks and have fun out there it will lower inhibition). After you get home tell him you are a "bad girl" and you need him to "give it to you hard". This should do the trick.Make him feel like a man.

 

[libre]

Dear Marge

I can't help you as your dilemma is quite complex. However, you are quite the perfect mate and you have quite the perfect attitudes with your «spouse». Though perhaps he doesn't know it, your man is lucky.

The only thing that I can suggest is that you do give him «some» time so that he can work out some of his problems. Don't pursue him and try too much to help him if he needs to find is own answers to his problems. If you pursue him, you could be setting yourself up to an agressive backfire. If you give him a silent support, he could well progressively open up to you. If he does, don't pounce on him. Let him come to you.

You can take the sexual lead by «raping» him once in a while (please it is a figure of speech!). Lucky him if you do! It could stir things up somewhat.

You can give him some time to sort out his problems and see if he can get out of his sexual lethargy. However, do expect that he should get out of it sometime. If he doesn't, eventually be clear to him that you are not satisfied and that he is setting himself up to your growing apart from him.

Good luck Marge; you are a great lady.

 

[Slickster]

Re: show him

Originally posted by jkirk1626
Here's my experience with a very similar situation where I was the tame guy and she wanted more variety.

The girl literally just said, "you lie like this," then she took her position and showed me what she wanted. To me, it was great bc it showed she wanted me. I didn't see it as any sort of dissatisfaction on her part, just as a way for her to do, share and experience more w me.

Also, avoind any negative comment about anything. Skip mentioning anything at all about the your routine positions. Instead, try a "let's try this [because you're so sexy and I want you so much]" approach. If you go with an I-can't-get-enough-of-you approach, I think he'll be flattered.

Guys are performance oriented. We want to know that we did a good job. So, tell him that you like the routine so much, you just have to get even more of him, "like this [insert your idea here]".

Good advice

There's nothing worse than a woman who is too shy or reserved to actually say what she wants in the bedroom. If I'm not doing something right then I want to know about it.

You say that you've tried suggesting some variety but maybe you have to take the lead a little bit more in this instance. Start getting a little bit more freaky. Show him more of your naughty side. Surprise him with some kinky behaviour. Be more vocal during sex. Next time you try a new position let him know through actions and words that you LOVE it like this. If you are displaying an exceptional amount of passion it will be hard for him not to reciprocate. He'll get the idea.

You seem to have a good head Marge good luck.

 

[NewMan]

... I have suggested to watch it together - but he isn't interested. He said it's 'something very private'?????

This would suggest to me that he is rather conservative - or self concious. Perhaps he has some performance problems. Or maybe in the past he's had issues along these lines?

These kinds of things can be deep routed. If he has had pressure from past GF's - or comments etc - then it will effect his now.

Another possibility is his lack of sex drive. Perhaps he just doesn't want it as often?

Let's put a number on this. How many times a week?


Also give us some specifics:

When I suggest another position or place he seems to listen, but in the end its always the same old same old. And not very often either.

Are you telling us that he only does it missionary? and then you have to suggest a new position?

There have been some great suggestions so far - but I will add something to this:


- I don't believe it's possible to "Train" a guy and tune him into being the lover you want him to be. I believe it can be done by men of women - but not the other way around (show him new positions yes - but not turning him into someone who has the "kink" or the desire to fvck his woman well - 2 different things).

- Having a hot woman/guy does not always result in the sex being hot. There's a difference to being attracted to someone and having great sex with someone. I myself had a real hot chick for several years. She turned me on - was stunning - but the sex wasn't as hot - now I'm with a chick that is not as hot - but sex wise - it's just awesome. Good sex is hard to find.

- Don't waste to much time figuring this out. If it's important to you - tell him so. If he doesn't jive with it - move on. Don't put up with it, because down the line you will only end up fvcking around on him. When you tell him though - do it the right way - don't tell him he lacks in bed - just tell him what your looking for - and be graphic, open and to the point.

 

[marge s.]

@ DJDamage: Pleeease… every (!) woman would assume that it's her. But then, the way we met (as housemates) sort of skipped this first ‘only-show-him-my-best-side-thingy’ anyway. He knew from the beginning what I look like at 7am before I had my first coffee. He also knew my moods and is actually quite good with it. He is (for a male) an excellent communicator. He can make me laugh about myself, which is great.

@ Libre: You think he might need ‘some’ time. I think you have a point there. Attraction needs a certain limit of distance… and since we’re seeing each other, we’re together literally all the time. We have planned a week separate holidays soon – so that was probably a good idea

@ Newman: It’s about twice a week, sometimes once. And yes, it’s only the missionary. He made comments that he tends to separate sex from feelings and wouldn’t want to expect too much from the woman he cares for blabla. I don’t really get it I have to admit. Perhaps he is conservative when it comes down to Sex, But then I know that he has been to Prostitutes, so I think he must like to experiment (or am I completely wrong here?). It’s a weird situation, as he is the most affectionate guy I have ever been with. He likes endless cuddles and all the stuff I often missed with other men. I love this side of him but sometimes I wish he would stop being the ‘nice guy’

Guys thanks a lot for your input so far . On the bottom line it is: show him that his attention is wanted and needed by words and/or action, but only positive (important!). Newman… I think you’re right. I probably think too much about it… could be this is our biggest sex drive killer.

 

[ApocalypseCow2]

Originally posted by marge s.

@ Newman: It’s about twice a week, sometimes once. And yes, it’s only the missionary.

Wow, that's really....boring. There's not much hope if he isn't willing to change positions. Do you ever go on top?

There's nothing wrong with missionary, but it must be pretty dull if that's all you do.

 

[DonRob]

Originally posted by marge s.
... that she wants more alternation in bed?

Hi guys,

I just read the 'DJ Bible' re Sex. Excellent stuff!

I'm in a LTR with a gorgeous guy. We're living together and actually everything's fine.. but Sex. Don't get me wrong, it is good and feels good. But after living together several months it gets a little... monotonous.

I am insecure about how to tell him without hurting his feelings. Especially as he's going through a difficult time jobwise. When I suggest another position or place he seems to listen, but in the end its always the same old same old. And not very often either.

I know that he watches Porn. I'm not too happy about it, because I think... if he's not happy with our sexlife... well I'm not either! And instead of looking for excitment in the internet I rather want him to sort things out with me.

OK, I would please need some tips on how to tell him nicely that I need a little more attention?

Thanks guys

Guys tend to think they are the bomb in bed but the reality is most of them are fairly clueless.

First and foremost if there isnt honesty between the two of you, you have bigger problems.

I agree with the approach of you taking the intiative and showing him what to do where. Make it a playful session where you tell him up front tonite, want to try something different with you....

As for the use of porn, it simply may be a way he works out his fantasies about things he is either afraid to talk to you about trying OR things you dont like or wont do.... its a problem if it is effecting the amount of attention and affection you want and need.

 

[NewMan]

But then I know that he has been to Prostitutes,

This would suggest that he does not relate Sex and love in the same vain. I doubt he believes they are an extension of each other.

I'm no shrink, but I'll bet he has some negative feelings/experiences about sex.

Perhaps he just relates sex as a purely physical function - just something he does to get his "Nut".... rather than part of a healthy lovign relationship.

I don't think 2 times a week is a bad number - but it's not exactly great either.

In my experience , when I've been with a hot chick, I want sex all of the time....

Bottom line is, there are to many things that could be the issues here. So your just going to have to figure out whether you can except it or not - or whether you want to take this guy on as a project (bad idea).

The best you can do is be open with what you want, and move on should you not get it.

 

[penkitten]

why dont you just take control and show him what you really like or want ?

sometimes there are some guys who are afraid to step over some kind of bounderies that they think are there . ( yes there is women like that too.) its almost as if they were raised to think that sex is dirty unless you just do it one way. then a pattern gets set or whatever. or maybe that person feels like if you wanted them to step over the bounderies and go further and try new things, you would tell them or show them or something.


so that is why , i do what i want!
no sense in waiting around forever on someone to do things for me.
if its time to flip over, get up and just yell "flip"
your guy will get the drift, or blue balls...

if he cant cooperate , then tell him to sit back , climb yourself on top and then say " LOOk what i can do!!"