How would you confront a girl about cheating on you?

[Chubbs Peterson]

Hello everyone, and anyone who recognizes my screen name. I'm back.

It's been a long time since I've posted... and I haven't really visited the site in a while. Without getting into too much detail, I had spent the last 6 months or so with a girl who I thought could be "it". (I posted about her a long time ago, and if anyone wants to do a search about me and her please go ahead.)

I've learned SO MUCH from this site over the past few years, and from personal experience that I pretty much knew how to conduct myself whenever certain situations would arise with this girl. And I've come a long way. But we've recently split up. I could go into the reasons why, but it's too long of a story. All I can say is that I conducted myself with excellence and I'm dealing with it.

One thing that does bother me however is the idea that she may have been at least interested in someone else near the end of our relationship, if not outright cheating. THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED SUSPICION.

I have no proof, but i'm basing my suspicion off different things:

1) Our relationship ended with the confliciting signs... she seemed distant sometimes and didn't show affection BUT other times she'd call me all the time. And we still had sex, although with much less frequency.

2) Early in our relationship, the girl I was seeing had told me about her past and how she cheated on one of her ex's and she even told me that near the end of her last relationship is when she started seeing me. This of course was a red flag, but over time her ACTIONS and seemingly genuine affection towards me made me lower my guard.

3) She's young (23) (I'm 33) and of course she's still trying to figure out who she is and part of that figuring out involves relationships with men.

4) Recently I know so many friends of mine and so many stories about how these females have recently jerked them behind their back that it makes me think more chicks than I'd like to think are just plain foul.

While I ALWAYS remain skeptical, I did believe that we had developed a trustful relationship, in spite of her past. But now that we're not seeing each other, it makes me think.

I have no delusions about starting the relationship back up. It's dead. BUT I really want to know if she was just as stank as all these other girls are, or if her excuse for ending the relationship is legitimate. (or as legitimate as a female can be expected to be). I want to know if she disrespected me. Because if she did, she needs to be checked.

I'd like to ask the DJs who have been in a similar situation what course of action would be appropriate.

 

[NewMan]

Dude....

Honestly what difference does it make?

Move on and forget it. It matters not really if she screwed around with you or not. Are you going to care in 6 months time? probably not.

It's over - for whatever the reasons - she's young, so it's a huge factor.

I can understand what your going through - not knowing what happened for sure - and you probably have many questions you want answered.

My advice would be to move on as quickly as possible..... forget her and live your life.

One thing that does bother me however is the idea that she may have been at least interested in someone else near the end of our relationship, if not outright cheating. THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED SUSPICION.

It's unfounded - you said so yourself - so just leave it alone...


Also, your in a lose - lose situation. If she tells you there was noone else - will you believe her 100% - I doubt. You will have this nagging feeling in the back of your mind that she is lying. If she tells you there was someone else - you've just dragged up old emotions - and then you allow yourself to become angry with her. It serves no end.

Forget - move on.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

As NewMan said, there's no sense in talking to her about it.

I would just make an assumption. What are the odds that a 23 year-old in this situation actually cheated on you. Odds are about 70% that she did so I would just assume that she did. C'est la vie.

And Chubbs, knowing you, I would say that you did conduct yourself with excellence throughout this as you put it.

It's just the odds of the game man. The odds are a little better with chicks over 24 and with chicks that have demonstrated more integrity in their life. But the odds are still over 30% regardless.

That's just the house rules in today's world.

 

[echo1212]

Once a person cheats its like committing a crime for the first time-it just gets easier and easier. Now Im not saying she did, but based on your words and suspicions, I'd place it at 50/50. But in reality, who really knows, and who cares. In this case the truth can only hurt. Let it be.

 

[Slickster]

I know its hard but don't think about it. Either way its over and you have handled the break-up well.

Good for you.

 

[MVPlaya]

THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED SUSPICION.

I have no delusions about starting the relationship back up. It's dead.

Ok, you're telling me its over, in which case you shouldn't even care. You're just digging up old problems. And you're telling me you have no proof... cheating is not a light accusation and if an ex brings up past cheating offenses there better be a bulletproof case for bringing them up, although the reasons for bringing them up continues to confuse me.

 

[Big Pappy]

cheating?

Sir,

My best suggestion is to live well. You know the principles.

It's regrettable if it happened, but wanting to know is a sign of caring. So, if you can, seperate from the situation. Ask yourself ,"What you would do if she had cheated on you?". Ask yourself again, "What would you do if she had not?".

Now, the very difficult question. Was there something that you have changed(about yourself), did or did not do over a period of time before the breakup (that was different from previous experince) that may have caused her to seek fulfillment elsewhere?

Best of luck.

 

[Chubbs Peterson]

Fine Sirs,
All your points are well taken.
I pretty much expected the "Leave it alone. Walk away" answer. That was always in my head from day one. I expected her to want to end the relationship...so I prepared myself with that mental attitude ahead of time.

I do thank you for your comments.

Big Pappy:
That's a good question. I'm still thinking about it. She's a very needy person, and If I did anything, it was NOT INDULGING her in her self-centered whims. If anything I made reminded her of how she "uses" men (which she's admitted to in the past and professes to be ashamed of). But I didn't do it to make her feel bad. I was trying to encourage her to NOT need a man, particularly when her neediness gets in the way of doing things that would benefit her...

To offer some clarity, and shed some light on my own confusion, she said that she wanted to stop seeing me because she is so obsessive in relationships that my officially being her "boyfriend" is causing her to feel obligated to spend time with me, call me, etc. I told her SEVERAL times during the course of our relationship that I LIKE to be alone. That one of the things that I liked about her was that she had a professional/artistic interest that she wants to pursue, and such dedication requires that you need to be by yourself sometimes. Thats' how I am, and I respect others like that. So I ALWAYS ENCOURAGED her to "do her thing" with or without me.

The fact that she feels these "obligations" towards me as obstructions to her freedom, when I've NEVER pressed myself upon her, is ridiculous to me. And I guess that's where I can't let go. I don't expect females to have airtight logical arguements, but her excuse carries no weight with me. (I have to add that she still calls me occassionally and wants to see me, but I just don't know. I think the relationship is over, and she can't deal with it, even though she initiated the break up.)

So now I think about her history, and I think of all the stories I've been hearing lately with friends of mine, and it just... infuriates me. One friend was seeing this girl for two years, she filled his head with talks about how they were "soulmates" blah blah blah, they went looking for houses together, blah blah blah, and then she goes out of the country for two months, while he's taking care of her house, etc, and she says she's leaving him. She's been "hanging out" with someone overseas. And this is a supposedly mature 32 year old woman!

And don't get me started with what I heard recently about an ex of mine and the guy she's going out with now. Lets just say that she was tongueing down someone at a company party (where they BOTH work) and it wasn't him!

When I hear this kind of sh1t, one after another, it pisses me off. It really pisses me off, and just cause they are women, just because they are the weaker-fairer- whatever- sex, or they are younger, doesn't mean that they shouldn't get some heat as a result of their transgressions. ESPECIALLY when they've screwed over GOOD guys.

 

[E-Z Rider]

Originally posted by Chubbs Peterson
When I hear this kind of sh1t, one after another, it pisses me off. It really pisses me off, and just cause they are women, just because they are the weaker-fairer- whatever- sex, or they are younger, doesn't mean that they shouldn't get some heat as a result of their transgressions. ESPECIALLY when they've screwed over GOOD guys.

Well I'm pretty sure everyone here agrees with that.

But as far as what to do with her now...you need to first know what's going on exactly. From what you wrote, it seems like she might be entertaining the possibility of getting back together. I don't know for sure, but from what you wrote it could appear that way. And you seem like you still care for her. So, you have to ask yourself if you would take the opportunity to get back together with her should such a situation present itself (i.e. give her another chance). Her reasons sound pretty strange to me, so you need to ask yourself if it would even be worth your time to get back together with this chick who broke up with you without much of a valid reason. You probably already know the answer to this; but keep in mind that people can make mistakes, and things can change for the better; it happens. Just decide if it's worth it to risk it.

Now, if your answer is "yes, if the opportunity presents itself, I'd like to give it another shot", then at THAT point, you probably want to ask some questions before you commit to anything, see what kind of explanations she has.

And if your answer is "no, it would be a waste of time, she's proven herself unworthy", then you two won't be together anyways, not now nor in the future. So, what would be the point of confronting her about it? To feel vindicated, or to get some kind of closure? My opinion is that it's already closed, you're already vindicated (whether she cheated on you or not, she has some sort of issues unrelated to youm so it's not your fault). In addition, you KNOW she won't admit to it if she did it. So it would be a fruitless venture, a waste of energy. Energy that would be much better spent getting on with your life.

I know I've basically just summed up what others have said, but hopefully in a different light. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, and happy hunting. Later- E-Z