how would a true dj handle this $hit

[jc_80]

I was reading over some tips on this site about $hit tests and remembered a time when a gf was giving me a ride to work when my car was in the shop. we were waiting to pick up her car pool buddy and she was not in a good mood stressing about work. I was tapping my fingers on her seat. she said in a *****y tone, you can tap on your own seat if you want and glared at me. this one really stumped me.too I'm a little head strong and not going to say what I did.
but how would you have handled this?
remember you need to get to work.
Just curious. I thought it would make for good conversation here. we get the big $hit tests and know how to handle them, just gotta be strong. but these little ones aren't talked about much. sometimes women are just moody as hell and they mess up once they get comfortable with you and you gotta handle it right.

 

[Die Hard]

I think handling a situation like this really starts long before it happens. You should have firm control of the frame and establish a position of higher authority over her from the very first interaction with a woman, and maintain it throughout all the interactions that follow.

If you've always been laidback with her, there's nothing you can do at this point. You can get angry and tell her she doesn't get to talk to you this way, who does she think she is, blah blah. But she will simply tell you that you either accept it or get out of the car...

But if you had been dominant over her and had established a position of higher authority over her from the moment you met her, you could say the same thing and she will apologize...

 

[abe0]

I don't see any **** test here at all. I see someone who was under stress and it showed in a snappy response. Nothing more. I do the same. You do the same.

We are human.

Agree.. if anything I would just ignored her and stayed calm. After you got out of the car I would have told to her to give you a call in a few days when you are feeling better......in other words....f u ....call me when not being a b#tch. Abe

 

[DJNiceGuy]

I've also encountered this in the form of "Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about." I understand that people get stressed out, but I don't snap at anyone this way, and certainly don't want my girlfriends saying things like this.

In that particular case, the disrespect was just too prevalent to fix. It ended with "Your mom is a b**ch, I hope she dies." In response to this, I had friends tell me people say all sorts of things when they're angry, so forgive her. But where do you draw the line? I don't say those sort of things to anyone. That was too much for me...

 

[compleks]

Not a **** test.

 

[MOTU]

I agree wih the comments above that it may not have been a sh!t test.

That being said, remember the bratty little sister analogy. Something like "Awww somebody needs a hug" in a patronizing voice might have done the trick.

 

[compleks]

Ease up, she was just moody and didn't want him tapping on her seat. Fair enough, I can imagine that could be potentially annoying.

 

[zekko]

Ease up, she was just moody and didn't want him tapping on her seat. Fair enough, I can imagine that could be potentially annoying.

Is he going to harm her seat somehow by tapping it?

 

[compleks]

Haha. You guys are right. He should have pulled on the handbrake, released her seatbelt and dragged her from the car by her hair...

***** should know better than to disrespect the man! [sarcasm/]

 

[jc_80]

stress or not, it was a disrespectful way to speak to anybody.

So compleks, let me ask you - would you speak to your boss this way?
I would certainly hope you're not that foolish.

 

[logicallefty]

I submit to the territory on this one. Her car her rules. I would have stopped.

Now same drill in MY car giving her a ride. I'd a replied "oh OK" and kept on doing it, louder if possible.

 

[compleks]

Alright gents, lets settle down just a little.

No, I wouldn't talk to my boss like that, or anyone for that matter.
(Keep in mind, you are not her boss)

If I were in your situation I would have given her a stern look and made it clear that I wont tolerate her venting her sh!tty mood on me.

I think it's a little presumptuous for people to suggest dumping her based on this one scenario. Maybe I'm giving the OP a little too much credit, but if he decided to make this person his 'girlfriend' then I'd like to think that she has some good qualities.
Sure, if this was regular behaviour then my advice would be different. But the original post made this sound like more of a one off situation.

 

[FairShake]

Some people are entitled and narcissistic.

And by this I mean the OP.

It's her car and she's doing YOU a favor. You are doing something she doesn't like and she tells YOU to stop. YOU feel disrespected at her tone. It sounds like YOUR feelings are kind of fragile.

I had ex-friends who were like this. If I was doing them a favor and it didn't go exactly like they wanted it was a problem. This kind of behavior is the picture of narcissism and not thinking about another person's feelings at all!

 

[Vulpine]

Your mom...

I'm stuck on those "your mom" word-twist comebacks. I've always like them, but when they are overused, they play out quick, so they have to be rationed.

I find myself not vocalizing the bulk of the ones I think up; they either suck, or, won't land well. I keep my brain in that mode, however, because it keeps my brain in "raunchy" mode. And, I like being raunchy. Heck, I make fun of MY mom most of the time so folks can't get upset: I'm making fun of my mom, not theirs.

The result is my brain comes up with these wisecracks lickety-split. In fact, as I read the OP, three easy ways to diffuse the situation popped into my head:

My mom loves to get her seat tapped.
Your mom loves her seat tapped.
You wouldn't be so crabby if I was actually "tapping" your "seat".

One can easily substitute the place of "your mom" to suit the situation. The point is, try to keep your mind (your frame, that is) in a "raunchy" mode so you can fire back quickly when women get snappy.

How do you think the chick driving would have reacted to: "I bet your a banshee in the sack".?

For example:

Her: "you can tap on your own seat if you want"
jc_80: "I bet your a banshee in the sack."
Her: "WHAAA?"
jc_80: "If you're getting all riled up from "tapping your seat" now, I can't even IMAGINE how crazy you'd get from a proper "seat tapping".

If the "your mom" comeback pops in your head, it's generally a good base to customize to suit the situation. Even if it's not a "your mom" thing, but still raunchy, go with it. Don't be all serious, though; you have to keep it light and joking. Just know when to take off "joke mode" and make it serious. Take advantage once it works, don't sit there in mode. Instead of letting yourself slip into shock that some crazy sh¡t is working and getting into your head about it, convert... CONVERT!!!

"I can't tap your ass right now, so I'm settling for the seat. When are you picking me up?"

"...That would be no fun: your ass is in YOUR seat, not mine. "

Hell, even paraphrasing some Edgar Allan Poe "Telltale Heart" would diffuse:

"I say, there came to my ears a low, dull, quick sound, such as a
watch makes when enveloped in cotton... louder, and louder, and louder still!!!! Until finally... (making fun of her) 'YOU CAN TAP YOUR OWN SEAT!!'"

Try the "your mom" thing for practice, just don't spew the crap every time you come up with one. It's a good way to "train" your brain to fabricate comebacks quickly.

 

[dasein]

"I'll tap on that ass if I want," then make a duckface at her. If that didn't get at least a smile or laugh out of her, -then- dump due to lack of sense of humor.

To the poster calling OP a "narcissist" over this, you are misusing that word.

 

[jc_80]

you've got to be joking. a narcissist? you think if you're doing somebody a favor then you can be rude to them? wow talk about a sense of entitlement.

this has nothing to do with me wanting to tap on her seat. it has nothing to do with her not wanting me to tap on a seat. it has nothing to do with her mentioning that the tapping was bothering her.
it's about the WAY she did it.
her car or not, doing me a favor or not, it's rude.
when I give someone a ride I treat them with respect. I would simply ask them to. stop tapping on my seat. if they didn't respect my request, then I would probably snap a little.

This was the first time it happened. I just laughed and said ya sorry I forget how annoying it is when other people tap. Later she apologized. Then it happened again with another issue at her place, and she apologized again. Then she would snap at preemptively, meaning she thought I was going to be upset about something and would snap at me before I even had a chance to react. And each time she snapped there was a little more anger. One day she broke the mirror in her bathroom because she was putting on makeup and later for work and her mirror was foggy.

 

[compleks]

Well, Danger wins this round.

Hope you cut her loose a long time ago.

 

[FairShake]

you've got to be joking. a narcissist? you think if you're doing somebody a favor then you can be rude to them? wow talk about a sense of entitlement.

No, I'm not joking. I sense you MAY have a fragile ego from your post. I find it hard to believe you've never been snapped at for behaving in a rude way. We all have. Many times. I grew up around old-school guys...men...and if you were being annoying they damn sure would call you out in an in your face way. Worse than the way your girl did.

Plus according to your post this happened awhile ago. I'm amazed that such an inconsequential interaction is still on your mind. Again, I think your ego may make too much of this.

If somebody calls me out the first thing I do is look to see if I did something to make them call me out. If so I change my behavior. If not I confront them. But I make it a point to consider their view because they share this world with me.

 

[dasein]

No, I'm not joking. I sense you MAY have a fragile ego from your post. I find it hard to believe you've never been snapped at for behaving in a rude way.

Reread the OP. It uses the incident in question as an example to get a discussion started, an -example-, maybe not even the one that caused OP to make the thread, but a simple one to explain, and that every man has dealt with many times. As OP states, we know how to deal with the big sh-t tests, but with all the little drama moments that even decent women throw out, how do we react? Do we let them fester, do we passively aggressively pretend that it doesn't smart to be treated rudely? Do we quid pro quo and stoop to their dramatic level, then feel immature? We all know that women generally treat men very well when they are infatuated with high interest level and then very poorly when interest slides, honeymoon ends, or they think they have the upper hand.

It's a perfectly legit topic, and you are the one overreacting here by calling OP a narcissist then sticking to it even after he gives more examples of this kind of behavior.

 

[FairShake]

Reread the OP. It uses the incident in question as an example to get a discussion started, an -example-, maybe not even the one that caused OP to make the thread, but a simple one to explain, and that every man has dealt with many times. As OP states, we know how to deal with the big sh-t tests, but with all the little drama moments that even decent women throw out, how do we react?

Maybe I should've worded it differently and just given my opinion on the situation rather than the poster. I don't think what she did was sh!t test but rather the actions of a stressed out person who was being annoyed. I think to get mad at that is to lack people skills.

No guy ever got laid by annoying a woman and then snapping back at her once she was annoyed. You get laid by being smooth, not annoying.