how will this end?

[MikeEdward1973]

There are always "reasons" that these women are with these 'men'. IT says volumes about HER and her need to be in control of an incompetent, fearful lame duck.
If she has concerns, then her HUSBAND is the guy who should be hearing her grievances, not a work colleague.
She is showing disloyalty to him by discussing this with you - but my experience says that women NEVER see this blabbing as "disloyalty" .

If she will betray her husband like this by discussing their private details with you, then she will readily betray your "friendship" if it suits her by discussing YOU with anyone who will listen. This woman is unfit for friendship AND marriage.

YOu are on the verge of being her emotional tampon OR getting drawn into playing Capt-save-a-ho.

Then let me ask you this. How is her sharing this with me any different than a friend confiding in you, or any guy who comes to this board, and confides in us - people who, for the most part, don't know each other at all?

Rollo had a great post a while back, where he was talking about this very successful friend of his who was discussing with him how to save his marriage while they were eating breakfast burritos on the beach after a night out. That post was particularly well written and insightful, but it's just an example that sticks out in my mind at this moment.

So, again - how is a women confiding in a male friend about the marital challenges she is facing different than a male friend confiding in a male friend about the marital challenges he is facing?

If your response is that women are obligated to vent only to their husbands, while men should enjoy the privilege of sharing such burdens with others, I see an extraordinary double-standard. If your response is that nobody should reveal the difficulties with their significant others with anyone but their wives or husbands, you will then find yourself in contradiction with an enormous amount of traffic that populates this board. How many times do we hear men vent about marital issues here? Often. And how many times do we hear people tells these men to stop posting here, and speak of such things only to their wives? I don't think I've ever seen such a comment, from you or Latinoman, or anyone else.

And Jophil, you're just plain wrong about my intentions with her. She's a friend, nothing more, I have no designs on her.

 

[Jitterbug]

Then let me ask you this. How is her sharing this with me any different than a friend confiding in you, or any guy who comes to this board, and confides in us - people who, for the most part, don't know each other at all?

We have Internet anonymity to protect our and the woman's privacy. It's not the same as in your case.

Rollo had a great post a while back, where he was talking about this very successful friend of his who was discussing with him how to save his marriage while they were eating breakfast burritos on the beach after a night out. That post was particularly well written and insightful, but it's just an example that sticks out in my mind at this moment.

Rollo's friend was discussing with him his marriage issues in order to figure out a solution. That woman was just biatching about her husband.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Rollo's friend was discussing with him his marriage issues in order to figure out a solution. That woman was just biatching about her husband.

BS.

Let me be clear - she's a good friend of mine. This wasn't idle banter over happy hour.

 

[dietzcoi]

Sorry, Mike, but women should not discuss embarrassing weaknesses of thier husbands with other men. Its just plain wrong.

If the shoe was on the other foot, you would not like it either.

But to answer your question, they are headed for a train wreck. The guy sound like a screwball loser and she will eventually realize this. Why did she marry this guy?

In all you are part of a lose-lose situation.

Why don't you do all men a favor and call her out on her disloyal behaviour to her husband, who she "loves"?

Or at least send her to an all-women b1tching session somewhere?

Dietzcoi

 

[mzilla2]

Mike,

While you may have no reason to doubt her, just keep in mind that you are hearing from her about her husband. Consider the source, especially in light of the negative aspects she is representing to you.

If an LTR or wife of yours was disclosing such information to coworkers and friends, what would you surmise her intent to be?

 

[Latinoman]

Then let me ask you this. How is her sharing this with me any different than a friend confiding in you, or any guy who comes to this board, and confides in us - people who, for the most part, don't know each other at all?

Rollo had a great post a while back, where he was talking about this very successful friend of his who was discussing with him how to save his marriage while they were eating breakfast burritos on the beach after a night out. That post was particularly well written and insightful, but it's just an example that sticks out in my mind at this moment.

So, again - how is a women confiding in a male friend about the marital challenges she is facing different than a male friend confiding in a male friend about the marital challenges he is facing?

If your response is that women are obligated to vent only to their husbands, while men should enjoy the privilege of sharing such burdens with others, I see an extraordinary double-standard. If your response is that nobody should reveal the difficulties with their significant others with anyone but their wives or husbands, you will then find yourself in contradiction with an enormous amount of traffic that populates this board. How many times do we hear men vent about marital issues here? Often. And how many times do we hear people tells these men to stop posting here, and speak of such things only to their wives? I don't think I've ever seen such a comment, from you or Latinoman, or anyone else.

And Jophil, you're just plain wrong about my intentions with her. She's a friend, nothing more, I have no designs on her.

Let me tell you something as I want you to make sure what being a DJ (e.g. a Man) is all about.

Men live under a code of respect. When it comes to men...it is about respect. Respect is what open the doors for EVERYTHING we do (as men) in our lives.

Women don't really understand the importance of that code between males and that's why I make sure I define to my partner that I have two BIG expectations from her:

1- Her respect toward me

2- Her discouraging others from disrespecting me

How this relate to your situation? This woman is NOT respecting her husband. In fact, she is contributing toward YOU (another man) to lose respect for him.

That's the huge difference between listening to a male friend talking to us and listening to a female.

If you want to call it double standards...so be it. Wear a tampon and call it even then.

It is the way it is. No different than men feeling responsible for providing and protecting their women.

 

[Latinoman]

There's this women at work, she's about a year older than me. I think she's 36. Good looking. Got married 2 years ago. She's become a good friend of mine. I'm not interested in her beyond platonic friendship.

A friend? Dude...she is a co-worker. If she was a "good friend"...you would have ALREADY met her husband TOO.

I find it amazing you call anyone a friend. That "friend" term gets thrown out very loosely too.

 

[dietzcoi]

Latinoman is 100% correct.

It is amazing how women can ignore the "respect thing".

They are either stupid or deliberately ignore any issues of men respecting other men, in fact they sometimes stir up trouble just for fun.

And men like Mike sometimes unfortunately inadvertently play along - play thier little game of disrespecting thier men...

Don't do it!! Do not get involved in this dishonorable drama!

Dietzcoi

 

[decades]

I don't believe you would be that interested in their situation Unless you are keenly interested in HER and her future marital status. And, you are playing the role of the trusted girlfriend, a role which you seem to enjoy. Obviously you have an emotional stake in the outcome here. It's pretty clear from the way you presented this that you're "rooting" for a breakup. Of course, that's because you care about her sooooo much, as a dear sweet friend.

 

[jophil28]

Latinoman is 100% correct.

It is amazing how women can ignore the "respect thing".

They are either stupid or deliberately ignore any issues of men respecting other men, in fact they sometimes stir up trouble just for fun.

And men like Mike sometimes unfortunately inadvertently play along - play thier little game of disrespecting thier men...

Don't do it!! Do not get involved in this dishonorable drama!

Dietzcoi

I agree totally - MIke is being used as a girlfriend and he still does not get the "respect " issue that Latinoman raised.
It is OK for women (and men ) to discuss their marital difficulties with a trusted friend ONLY after they have discussed it with their husband or wife FIRSTand the disciussions have stalled. Inside the marriage is where the drama and negotiation needs to play out first. IF there is little progress, or one party is unwilling to listen, then, and ONLY then, is is OK to take the problem outside.

However,I am fascinated in Mike's subject line for this post. "Where will it end ?" What exactly are you asking here MIke?

 

[cedd]

The question is, how would you react if your GF/Wife was talking a friend/coworker of hers about your 80k debts behind your back?

Shes maybe a bit naive or she maybe trusts you and then thinks she can confide to you what is their "couple business" BUT however it does ONLY concern the banker and both of them. Money is not a small matter in a marriage.

I know that talking about money is less a "taboo" in Anglo-Saxon culture than mine (latin/french) but serious debts still are confidential things and strictly between both of them.
Btw shes was talking shyt about her husband all the same. If she would really be in love with him, NEVER wd she talk negatively about him. Would be the same if she openly said her husband was a wuss...

cheers

 

[BipedGod]

Come on man! she is a liar or she is crazy, any normal woman in that position would be miserable. She's trying to get you to open up to figure out who you are. And that tells me she isn't worth the time of day.

 

[##17]

Together, they make about $250k a year, so there there is a realistic chance they can service that debt in a 5 year time period.

He makes half as much as she, so doing the algebra comes out to ~$80k for him. How did a guy earning $80k get himself so into debt? Does he have kids, or just really poor boundaries? Even if his income is more like $70k or even $40k, that's still bad, unless he has kids he is supporting.

(An aside: I'm not a huge fan of Bush, but too many people blame him for the mess the economy is in, when the reality is that there are too many people who are focking irresponsible with their finances.)

EDIT: I WILL give her credit for saying that she loves him more every day, whether it is really true or not. That is the only correct answer when another MALE asks about herr husband.

EDIT II: Actually, I agree with jophil, Latinoman, and others who said that she should not be blabbing about 'their' personal problems to another GUY. I'll take MikeEdward's words that they are just platonic friends. The thing is that 'their' personal problems are really weaknesses of the husband, so she is actually LOWERING HER HUSBAND'S RANK among other men by discussing these things with another male.

 

[thedeparted]

Everyone's missing the point. Not what she SAYS. But what she DOES.

And what she does is tell this guy a load of shltty things about her hubby. And then explain that she still loves him. Why is she doing that?

I've had it happen to me. And I believe the woman is trying to make herself into a hero. "Look what a great wifey am I" kind of thing. She is USING YOU to accomplish that mission.

Further, she may be drawing you in so she can monkey swing. If you are the BBD, she's sizing things up. If you start getting involved, and being on her side, you could be the branch she swings to next.

Bottom line is women always have a covert motivation--even if they don't know it themselves. A DJ does not sit passively and get drawn into the web. By the time you figure out the motive, you've been played.

That is why I always pull them up short on it. I don't CARE what the issue is with hubby. You want to pay me $150/hr, I will listen. You want to give me the morning BJ, I will listen. Otherwise, take it somewhere else. It is not a man's job to entertain this crap. And I am not gonna be your work-boyfriend-without benefits. Or your next branch.