How to tell your gf she's overweight? damage control

[Harry Wilmington]

I've dated a few big girls before. All of them claim they're going to "lose weight." Only one of them actually did.

However, all of these girls were big when I met them, so I had to accept them as I first saw them. The problem here is, I'm guessing she wasn't big when you first met, so now that she's getting big she's become a bit too "comfortable."

Here's the thing: in a relationship, there are going to be times when things get uncomfortable, and you have to be prepared to have them be that way for a while. Like another person said, weight is a serious issue for women MENTALLY. They compare themselves to other girls who are skinny and feel bad, they physically feel themselves getting tired, they wonder if the guy with them likes them... this is why they're so sensitive to it, and you have to be careful how you address it with her

AT THE SAME TIME, THOUGH...

I'm also of the belief that a woman who cares for you should know you enough to know that what you're saying to her - even if it's with the wrong wording - comes from a place of love. It ain't like you're a stranger off the street walking by and saying "HEY FATTIE, PUT DOWN THE DAMN DOUGHNUTS!!"

You phrased your request in different ways - first sensitively, then straight-forwardly - and neither of them worked. Personally, I wouldn't apologize at all. I might say "I didn't mean for you to take what I said offensively, but I'm worried about your health and want you to be around for a long time, which you won't be if you don't take care of yourself." But no apology.

Two years ago, I had a cousin die at the age of 25 because he was severely obese. My brother, who was big but not too big, saw this, got scared, and lost 50 lbs in a year. People really DO die as a result of being too big - if your girlfriend is getting mad at you for trying to look out for her best interest (as well as your desire in her), you need to do what she won't do with those extra pounds - drop her.

 

[Lord of Dirt]

If you really do think this way then you just ruled out about 98% of the female population. The "fat button" is one most ladies have and it does not usually apply to other things...

This. This is absolutely true. Some golden rules apply to most women. Making direct comments about their weight will bring only blind fury and illogical wrath upon the hapless commentator.

Here's what you do: you stop validating her. She knows why. If she asks you, just say 'you've changed'. Go out with mixed company and flirt with other girls. You need to put yourself back on the market without actually doing it. No amount of coercion is going to make her lose weight. However, competition anxiety will prompt her to do 1 of 2 things: either put an effort into losing weight and getting sexy again, or leave. Do you really want to be with a fatass?

If you have an issue with your woman, you can definitely overtly communicate it (words) just in case she misinterprets your actions, but your message should primarily be delivered through your actions. Coincidentally this covert communication is women's default method of communication, so they will 'get' what you're trying to say.

This is excellent advice. My gf definitely has some competition anxiety. She has an idea in her head that I can replace her. I hang with my female friends without her all the time. Meet new girls all the time, go to shows and parties, get numbers, etc., with or without her. I'm faithful to my gf, but I definitely get flirted with.

Most of the time, however, I spare my gf any details. Just last weekend some young drunk chic introduced herself to me and said 'You're sexy. I like your hair, etc. etc.' I didn't tell my gf because I try to ride a fine line between creating a little envy vs. flat out resentment.

In the near future, perhaps I'll hint more to my gf about my interactions with the ladies to give her a little extra motivation.

 

[Lord of Dirt]

I hope you didn't send her that email. It was extremely painful to read (and being in an LTR is no excuse for THAT much beta bait).

You being 'nice and sensitive' about her 'situation' is going to do the exact opposite. It shows you can be pushed around.

Aaaargh! To your gentlemen's chagrin, I sent that email. I backtracked and sent her the 'beta bait' to re-open the lines of communication! She wouldn't answer my phone calls. But she responded with an email and is willing to meet up and talk again. Here's my message. Please try not to vomit in your own mouths a little:

"My GF,

I feel absolutely terrible about last night. You were completely devastated. I'm heartbroken that I hurt you so. I can't stop thinking about you and I wish I could take away the pain you feel.

Please note that I didn't say you were fat or obese. I said that you need exercise. I wasn't trying to attack you or insult you. But yes, I was being more direct. I'm sorry that I was so rude about it.

Do I think you're beautiful? Absolutely yes. Sexy? Absolutely. Do I still enjoy ****ing you? I can't get enough. Holding your hand and cuddling like teenagers? Of course. You still look very, very good.

But I believe you could take care of yourself better. It wouldn't take much. And I think you know this to be the truth, or you wouldn't have reacted so extremely to my words.

Baby, If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't have said anything at all. But I love you dearly and care about you deeply, however much of a rude ass I seem to be.

Me"


Her response:

"Thank you for the email and phone calls. It's good to finally hear you use sincere words to express emotion.

I got so upset last night because you are incredibly insensitive much of the time. it drives me crazy how most of the words out of your mouth are smart ass comments. I do my best to ignore them and hope that you might actually say something that comes from your heart once in a while.

Instead of "telling me how it is", perhaps inquire about what's going on in my life and see how you can be supportive instead of critical. You don't think I know how my body has changed in the last 6 months. You think I am happy with it? Maybe there is something bigger going on that contributes to my lack of exercise or my lack of desire to do anything at all. Telling me to exercise is not going to do a damn thing except upset me more and make me angry at you.

Perhaps last night could be a learning experience for you on how thoughtless comments can make other people feel even more terrible.

I appreciate your apology. I truly do.
"

Fellas, the deal is that my gf has depression, which makes her listless. She's chubby but not fat. She's fixable. However, there's a correlation between depression and obesity:

http://www.webmd.com/depression/news/20091006/depression_anxiety_linked_weight_gain

I'm pretty sure that when I tripped over her weight, I tripped up on her depression issues too. Big mistake.

She also has this idea that I'm a brute most of the time. I'm a boxer and martial artist. I hang out with the boys and we fight, laugh and tease each other. My jokes aren't always for the ladies. She thinks I'm too sarcastic and rude, so I'll go nice guy once in a while when I know I've been a callous buttface.

Do you think it's ok to go AFC sometimes when you know you f'd up? My gf was hurting really, really bad. I figured I'd dangle the 'beta bait' first, calm her down, then become a drill sargent next week? Pass the 'frame' to her for now, then subtley take it back next week. Will this work or only backfire on me?

 

[SecondHalf]

Words I've heard but never listened to until recently ...

"Never let her get her foot in the door!"

You sound like an interesting fellow. Don't go Chris Isaak, stay cool!

SH

 

[muscleman]

Beta bait is ok sometimes (and necessary in small doses to keep a girl fawning over you), I just wouldn't take it that far. All you did was tell her her weight dissatisfied you.

Now you're tiptoeing around her. How do you not see this? I'm not proposing you be a thoughtless jackass, but stop compromising your integrity.

SHE's not answering YOUR phone calls. What does that say to you? Who's playing catch up? Where's the ball? I think you know the answer.

If you feel you fvcked up, a simple 'if I hurt your feelings it wasn't my intention' is plenty enough apology, then leave it at that. Let her take it from there.

Sometimes girls you're seeing want some distance from you for whatever reason. They're moody, deal with it. Chasing someone who's running away only makes them run faster. One of the girls I'm seeing went ghost on me for almost 2 weeks. I texted her a couple times and turns out she just wanted some more 'emotional attention' and felt like we were 'just about sex'. I about crossed her off and then she told me we should hang out again, and now she's all over me again. Things like that happen.

Read commandments 15 & 16 again: http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/

 

[Blackmm]

I've dated a few big girls before. All of them claim they're going to "lose weight." Only one of them actually did.

I work in an office with a couple of fat chicks in close proximity to my cubicle and always over them talking about the next great diet/exercise program they are going to get on but none of them are any smaller than they were 4 years ago.

No chick wants to be fat and given a choice they would rather look like Megan Fox than Megan Griffith. Start by telling her how sexy she would look wearing X garment where X equals something that she knows obviously wouldn't look good on a fat chick like low rider jeans, 2 piece swimsuits, etc.

 

[bigneil]

If you lose enough weight that she notices, she will take a genuine interest in how you did it. That's the only way. She has to notice, bring it up, and volunteer to modify her diet.

Or you could just start cooking her really healthy meals. Fresh squeezed Grapefruit juice on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning (after a glass of distilled water). Spirulina, Green Tea, Milk Thistle, and periodic fasting.

Buy her a bicycle and take her to a romantic bike trail every weekend.

 

[Blackmm]

And if all else fails:

http://youtu.be/d7LYoG4YLZw