How to tell toxic girls from those who genuinely come from difficult backgrounds?

[dosquito]

If you have been following my story there is one girl I am still getting emotionally over who claims a very difficult background (and current situation) in her family.

But the more I read about manipulative people, the more I question whether any of this **** was actually true.
She fits the traits. But then again, wouldn't anyone who has been through that stuff?

I guess I could answer the question myself. I come from an extremely ****ed up family background. But I don't use it as an excuse for anything. I let people whom I am close to know about it so they can be aware, but I don't use it as a crutch in my daily life or with relationships...

So maybe the easiest way to tell is if the girl only brings up her emotional problems in order to get something she wants (attention, get her way, sympathy, change topics) ?

And, the more frightening question: are there any girls who came from ****ed up backgrounds who aren't psychos? Meaning, we should run from them either way. Either they are lying about their daddy issues in which case they are trying to use us, or their daddy issues are real and we need to abort...

 

[ben489]

I think the trick here is to avoid investing too much in this type of girl. For month one of my relationship with someone similar sounding everything was amazing but I was also very cautious. I then started to let my guard down, probably paid too much attention to some of the sob stories and began to excuse behaviours I would normally have stamped down on, I guess allowing yourself to develop feelings makes you go soft! At this stage I was in trouble, I'd allowed myself to become attached to someone intent on destroying herself and pushing away anybody who cares about her, no doubt in time she will change but I'm not hanging around to find out.

Just make sure you are always looking out for number one, don't fall into the trap of wanting to "fix" someone or change them, that will only happen naturally.

 

[VladPatton]

I think the trick here is to avoid investing too much in this type of girl. For month one of my relationship with someone similar sounding everything was amazing but I was also very cautious. I then started to let my guard down, probably paid too much attention to some of the sob stories and began to excuse behaviours I would normally have stamped down on, I guess allowing yourself to develop feelings makes you go soft! At this stage I was in trouble, I'd allowed myself to become attached to someone intent on destroying herself and pushing away anybody who cares about her, no doubt in time she will change but I'm not hanging around to find out.

Just make sure you are always looking out for number one, don't fall into the trap of wanting to "fix" someone or change them, that will only happen naturally.

^^^--Doesn't get clearer than that! Proceed with high caution, or abort now to save yourself some agonizing despair in the very near future.

 

[dosquito]

Great answer.

Follow-up question:

How ****ed up are we that these tactics actually work on us and make us obsess over them even more?? Why would this **** make us want a girl MORE?

 

[Bumsniff]

Great answer.

Follow-up question:

How ****ed up are we that these tactics actually work on us and make us obsess over them even more?? Why would this **** make us want a girl MORE?

Because you put off your feelings and needs in order to feel good and expect the girl is somehow indebted to you for helping her in a white knightish sort of way.

So you keep thinking of trying more to win her over as a challenge when she isn't reciprocating.

It's almost as if some people prefer "projects" they feel will forever be in gratitude to them rather than finding someone normal and balanced who doesn't appear to have any need to be with them.

You have to work on yourself and finding a stable normal good person. Not some project who isn't meant to be won over. Those types are a lost cause and better served dating people who don't give a crap about them perpetuating the cycle they are used to or some other chump who thinks he's going to help the damsel in distress till he winds up going berserk.

 

[Leporello]

Women are trained to be cruel and unfeeling by constantly rejecting guys. We as men don't have that and so we actually empathize with other human beings. It makes us vulnerable.

 

[Down Low]

Women are trained to be cruel and unfeeling by constantly rejecting guys. We as men don't have that and so we actually empathize with other human beings. It makes us vulnerable.

I don't necessarily disagree with this, but the basic problem begins earlier.

People don't learn from success. People learn from failure. Women are unqualified successes after age 13 due to the unending attention their tits bring them. Women never mature to the stage where they would become capable of empathy. This is true of 100% of women in developed countries and a fair chunk of women in third world sh1th0les.

 

[Scars]

Toxic girls are generally very open about their past "difficulties". They have no problem telling you that grew up in broken homes, poor, abused, raped, molested, etc.. They use your sympathy to their advantage.

Women who come from difficult backgrounds and grew from it are generally more reluctant to share their "life story" unless it's relevant. They don't go out of their way to seek pity. To them, it's just a chapter in their life that they'd rather forget. Borderlines and histrionics have a strong tendency to want to relive their past by creating scenarios and attracting people who will put them in sh!tty situations. That should be your first clue.

-Scars

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Toxic girls are generally very open about their past "difficulties". They have no problem telling you that grew up in broken homes, poor, abused, raped, molested, etc.. They use your sympathy to their advantage.

True Scars, however I would add that BPD/NPD/Schizo females, generally keep this background info secret, this info as they do not want to be 'found out.'

They are truly the most difficult cases. In my experience, BPD's are the Devil incarnate - and the last thing they want you to know is that they are BPD. (Shudders).

 

[Scars]

True Scars, however I would add that BPD/NPD/Schizo females, generally keep this background info secret, this info as they do not want to be 'found out.'

They are truly the most difficult cases. In my experience, BPD's are the Devil incarnate - and the last thing they want you to know is that they are BPD. (Shudders).

Perhaps BPD women become different through age. (Sorry, couldn't help but notice our age gap.. but yes I tend to agree for the most part). However, most BPD's I encountered were generally very open about their "flaws" in an attempt to gain pity.

I think what you might be dealing with (and many others) is false illusions and disassociation. They may not even know clearly themselves. For example, my most recent ex (who was BPD) would always "hint" at the fact that her father molested her. Yet, when I asked her point blank she said no. It was believable, not only that but she seemed confused. She was either making up the story, had suppressed it for so long and wasn't sure, or truly was ashamed. I think it's either of the first two. Perhaps why she didn't bring it up often, but when she did, she would cry historically. However, I can recall within the first couple meetings she was already dropping redflags. All you have to do is pay attention.

If anything the truth will come out in a matter of time. The ugly BPD face shows itself long before we realize it, but by then we're in disbelief or already infatuated with a monster.

-Scars

 

[Dominance]

It's kind of hard to know until you've known them for a while. At the start you may see red flags, so don't ignore them.

But usually at the start of a relationship you see none of their issues for several months atleast.

 

[pinkfl]

Depends entirely on how they handle their priorities.

A truly messed up girl will not have her priorities in order. She will use circuitous backwards logic to justify poor decisions or having no direction. She will constantly have a history of making poor decisions and will sometimes seem to bring bad situations onto herself.

A girl that has had messed up things happen to her, but doesn't let them define her, will have her priorities in order. She will logically make decisions, and though she may tap into her emotions at times, ultimately she makes the best decision.

I don't think it's a matter of whether or not she talks about what happened to her, but how she lets it affect her daily life. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells because every little thing sets her off and triggers bad memories, then she's not in a healthy place.

Try to think of it in terms of being manipulated: If she tells you something or hints at something for no valid reason other than to trigger some sort of reaction in you, then you are likely being manipulated and that's a red flag.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Perhaps BPD women become different through age. (Sorry, couldn't help but notice our age gap..

-Scars

I had a bit of a smile about that comment The two women I strongly believe are BPD, are 28 and 25 years of age. I'll make no comment, apart form saying that ones age is not necessarily linked to the women one dates

 

[QuadDeuces]

The easiest way to tell if someone is BPD is to look at her with puppy eyes and tell her that you love her and want to be with her the rest of your life.

From then on the vampire starts to show up.