How to tell if she's playing or just conflicted.

[Starrie]

How to tell if she's playing. Update: How to un-chump

I'm in trouble and really appreciate your insight. Here's the facts:

We've been coworkers-then-friends for about three months, and started seeing each other outside the office just more than a month ago. I'm 25. She's 32.

1) We get along awesomely.
2) We kiss and have pretty serious cuddle sessions.
3) She tells me all the time that she likes me, she loves me, etc.
4) She explained that she finds me "attractive", and that to her that means much more than "cute" or "handsome", which she also tells me often.

5) She tells me how much she loves me holding her, touching her, how I make her comfortable and relaxed. She's comfortable in my house.


Here's what's screwy:

1) She's gone out with other guys since we started dating, including last night. ——— OK, fine. We're feeling each other out; we're not an item yet.

2) She tells me about her dates, what she liked and didn't like. ——— Fine. I make girls a little jealous the same way.

3) She doesn't dress up for me when we go out. She doesn't just wear sweats, but she doesn't worry about the way she looks like I've seen her do when going dancing with other guys. ———— This concerns me (OTOH, I'm a lounge guy not a club guy, so we've never been dancing.)

4) She asks me for advice about one particular guy. ——— Red Flag

So I'm unsure. There are these drop-it-she's-just-your-friend signals, but the other side of it seems sincere. I really like her. Am I fooling myself?

 

[betheman]

weapons grade attention *****, get sex soon or bail out, do not invest anything in terms of emotions, little financial outlay, this is not wifey material son, and as its a co worker, better just back off in reality

 

[backbreaker]

weapons grade attention ****

:crackup:

some women just aren't worth winning. even if she is playing games, which i believe she is, the type of women who play stupid games like this are the honest hat have serious issues. i wouldn't even try to **** honesklty it's nto gonna be worth the trouble in the end. plus you work with her.



you're 25 man i get it. 25 year old is a hard point. you aren't in college, you aren't yet 30 when **** gets a TAD easier. so it's slim pickins, but don't degrade yourself by dating women like this and def don't do it at work

 

[st_99]

oh man, i hate to see my fellow brothers in this condition.

not to worry starrie, you're not unique in the way you are a complete and total chump as it relates to women. beta to the max. at 25, i was totally lost myself and got wrapped up in things you couldnt even imagine.

start reading and applying everything you can to grow and you'll be fine in a few years.

 

[glass half full]

time to move on. she sounds like she's looking for a sucker

 

[FairShake]

You didn't say you're fvcking.

If you are, you're the guy she likes fvcking but not dating. Not a bad place to be.

 

[Who Dares Win]

You see Starrie, as Fairshake told you the critic factor is sex, its the only factor necessary to solve this and many more equations.

If you're not having sex means that you're not desired from her, dont pay attention to kisses or cuddle since nowadays they are a small deal for most of women as much as movie date is not a big deal for a player working on a girl.

I strongly believe that any girl who is seriously interested in you and wants you, would never do anything to confuse you, hurt you or give you reason to drop her and seek greener pasture.

This is not the case of this girl.

You given what you told us, if you are having sex means that you're the top guy who gets the most tasty slice of cake while the others despite getting some cake as well, dont get as tasty as yours part.

If you are not having sex, its you in the group of the ones getting the less tasty slices, hope its clear especially since all of the customers despite the slices they eat are all paying for it.

So the solution is try to have sex with her and in case you fail gradually withdraw your attention and emotional support untill she either spread her legs or make it clear that you are not gonna get any out of it.

Please do yourself a favour, despite your ego and emotion will try to mindfvck you, you have to stay steady in your decision and go on.
Brain and balls take decision, not heart and emotions.

 

[Starrie]

Thanks all. I read the thread about HPD/BPD. A lot of those shoes fit.

I've never chumped like this before, so it's a mindfvck.

How do I make her feel bad about things without being a jerk outright, walking her through her horse****, etc.? It will help me shake this to know that she feels like crap rather than being amused by it.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Starrie,

Do not go down the road of trying to make her feel bad. You're just going to cause complication and she'll know you're hurt anyway. Your goal shouldn't be to play mind games or heart games -- it should be to give her an orgasm. Go out with her one more time. Doesn't matter what you do other than ending up or being at your place or her place so you can have sex with her. Two months? It's time. If it isn't time then it's time to go ghost and date other women.

 

[Starrie]

Yeah. You're right. I just needed to know that it's not what I did, it's what I didn't know how to do, didn't know how to see. Thanks.

 

[Starrie]

Update

How'd I do?
She dropped by to pick up something and I was friendly and jovial but not inviting and conveyed that I was busy/had plans without actually saying so. She made her eyes and tried to get a bit touchy. I let it fizzle, she removed herself.

Later I messaged her to say that she's obviously busy and to let me know when she wants to spend time together. Thereafter no contact and that's the plan ongoing (radio silence from her end so far).

She's about to go on vacation for three weeks anyway, so I figure this is a dignified way to un-chump.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Sorry. You failed. She wanted to get touchy? You take her in your arms and kiss her good, moving her toward the couch or bedroom. And you escalate. You did the exact opposite. You didn't unchump, you hyperchumped.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Since she works with you, ditching her is probably smart. But for the sake of the next girl who comes along...the larger problem here is why did you spend so much time "cuddling" with a woman in your own house and yet not get laid? There should have been a point where you "make the ho say no." No one likes being rejected, but jerking you around and wasting your time is much worse.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Stars,
You have been Friend Zoned mate.....Can be useful if you exploit it for contacts,perhaps use her as a cover when you go out?

 

[chocococonut]

I was in a similar predicament about a few weeks ago...but i was getting lots of poon.

This girl and I agreed to hook up, both start developing feelings, we try to take things in another direction. later, i found out she's been going out on dates with other dudes afterthefact, still talks to her ex, etc...didn't sleep with any of them, but she was definitely playing a DGAF game...confusing the **** outta me driving me insane.

she kept sending me mixed signals about what she wanted, and it was pissing me off. it might seem like a chump thing to do for me to say we shuld stop bcuz of those reasons, but my feels was getting too strong i needed to gtfo....
haven't talked to her or heard from her since.

some women are just nuts. if she's messing with your head, she's just not that into you...

 

[Harvey_Poon]

First of all, you shouldn't be fooling and messing around with co-workers if you value your job. It can always come back to bite you in the butt.

Second, sadly yes, she is using you for a fool and you are the chump. She is older than you and is playing you. You're not an item and you won't be an item.

I assume that you pay her way for all these dates on a night on the town. She needs a guy to pay her way and then ***** to you about all the other guys she is dating and what she doesn't like about them. She won't be bringing you up to her other men because she is not serious about this whole thing.

She doesn't even care to dress up for you on your dates. What does that tell you?

Bottom line. If she hasn't slept with you by now you won't be getting any poon from her. No matter what she is telling you.

She is older than you and more experienced than you. She likes the fact that she has younger man attracted to her. That makes her feel like she still has it. So she is playing you for that reason as well.

You are just going to be her tease buddy and that's all that this will ever be.

Unless you like paying her way on dates and hearing about her other men while never getting any action then continue to hang on with this charade. Otherwise you should end this farce right now.

Meet women your age and date women who like you for you. Not older women who are into playing games and messing with your heart and mind.

May your days be filled with much greatness and poon.

Dr. Harvey Poon

Histrionic Personality Disorder

You shouldn't be throwing out your own diagnosis without any facts or knowledge about this woman when you aren't sure for certain yourself.

 

[Starrie]

Good advice. Dead on of course. It's weird how one can get under your skin even when you're sure that you've been there, done that, and that you know what you're doing. I'll take lessons from it at least.

 

[Boilermaker]

You shouldn't be throwing out your own diagnosis without any facts or knowledge about this woman when you aren't sure for certain yourself.

Sounds like Dr. Harvey Poon can throw out facts without knowing jack shít either, how about that?
:crackup:

 

[Slickster]

Sounds like her interest level peaked and you missed it. Her telling you she's attracted to you but more than "handsome" means she thinks you are sexy. Telling you she loves when you touch her and hold is her way of saying she wants sex.

It sounds like she gave you several opportunities to go for it but you missed them and she moved on. I agree with Poon in that she is older and you were probably a bit of an ego boost or a game to her initially.

Starrie, women enjoy the build up to sex just as much and sometimes more than the act itself. A good analogy is cooking a pot of soup. If you eat it too soon it's OK but if you let it simmer a little longer you let the flavour develop and it reaches its full potential. If you go too far you over cook it and the flavour is gone. Those serious cuddle sessions were probably the right time to dive into that soup.

Don't let it get to you. As you say there are lessons to be learned.

If a chick starts talking to you about other dudes it is over. Just get up and walk out right then and there. She's disrespectful and deserves none of yours.

Don't worry about trying to get back at this chick. Any attempt to do so just shows her that you had feelings for her and you cared. She wins in that case so better you just disappear and remove your attention because that's all she was using you for anyway.

Good luck

 

[Starrie]

Ha!

No surprise, the tried and true way of things continues to serve. It's unusual for us to not communicate during a day, and nearly 48hrs of radio silence from my end has been getting her gourd. She probed with some paltry texts on Monday, which I let go, still unsure about deleting her number. Yesterday she texted several times throughout the day about some sadness and her consternation about this and that. Last night I replied, "sucks."

Ninety minutes later she calls to tell me about some routine, minor workflow hiccup which she knows I don't handle and which she knows is doubly irrelevant because I'm long gone from the office. I ask if it's her passive way of accepting responsibility and apologizing for causing the hiccup. She's all giggles, "No, meanie."

This morning (like 8:00am, pay attention here) she calls. I'm unable to take the call because it's 8:00am and I have 8:00am stuff to do. 9:15-ish she calls again. I ask how she's been. She tell me about other inconsequential office stuff, doubly so because she's already on vacation. She asks what I'm doing tonight. "I don't know. Ask me tonight."

Basically, "Okay." Giggles.

Fifteen minutes ago she sent another bathroom-mirror-using-my-phone pic, just so I know what she'll be wearing to wherever she's going today. That she turns to the breeze so quickly...yes, her ego really is a tiny vessel and it really is carrying some heavy emotional baggage. I see this know, and it's fine as long as I control the winds. I feel good about this.

A lot of the topics discussed on this forum are just common sense dressed up like protocol. Much of the basic knowledge is in fact instinctual even to the most introverted guys here; it's just been buried beneath unnatural social programming. Nevertheless, it's weird how one can keep such a prow watch for torpedoes that he misses his ship being stealthily boarded by a fvcking ninja who then plants bombs in every compartment and then, before he knows what's happened, she's taken the bridge. Just like that, one's game is dropped, she's in control and he's doing all kinds of things which he knows better than to do. It's weird.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted.