How to tell gf I'm meeting ex for a drink?

[Oscar Wilde]

Heya,

Well, an ex of mine is visiting the country and wants to meet me for a drink. I'd like to go along, have a drink and be friendly, but I have absolutely zero interest in hitting that again. But still, I'd prefer the current gf not to be along cos could be awkward.

This ex dumped me, for her ex

So, do I go w/o telling, lie ("meeting the lads") or just come clean and make it an early and short few drinks?

Oscar.

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

Why?

If you've got a girl that you are happy with now and aren't expecting anything from your ex, then why even go? I don't see how any good could come from it. But you might be able to shine some light on it for me.

 

[Bill]

Like jazzyjeff said, it's all up to you, but I wouldn't risk it.
Peace.

 

[NewMan]

My opinion...

Oscar,

Here my take on it. If your serious about your current Girl, don't lie. Tell her the truth.

Tell her that an ex is comming into town and she wants to meet up for a drink. Tell her that she is welcome to come along - you've nothing to hide.

I wouldn't say anything to your GF that would hint that you think she doesn't trust you, or that you don't want her there. I'm almost sure that she will not go along with you. If she's nervouse tell her that you understand - but that you'll call her as soon as it's done.

Just remember, if your meeting an ex for drinks, you also must give her the space to do so in the future. Think about that. You've no interest in this girl what-so-ever.... so is it really that much of a big deal to meet her?

Personally, the past is the past - the current is the only thing that matters. I'd tell your ex that you can't make it.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Hmm, quick replies, strong opinions.

You guys sound like I'm already in bed with the girl. I'm talking about a friendly cup of coffee with an old friend to see how they're getting on with life, and how our mutual friends are doing. I haven't forgotten about her dumping me for her ex, so there's not a worry about us getting back together, even for a quick fling, not gonna happen.

Might see what happens, she may not even come over. Possibly invite my sister along too (she knew her).

 

[echo1212]

Ahh, she dumped you for another guy and you now you want to meet her for a drink? Why? For what purpose? So that she knows she could still have you anytime she wanted-even if its not true? Yeah, thats smart. I could see if you broke up as friends but she left you for another guy dude! You my friend are the epitomy of what we call "afc". Grow some balls and forget about the ho would ya?

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by echo1212
Ahh, she dumped you for another guy ana you now and to meet her for a drink? Why? For what purpose? So that she knows she could still have you anytime she wanted-even if its not true? Yeah, thats smart. You my friend are the epitomy of what we call "afc". Grow some balls and forget about the ho would ya?

Wow, jeez echo, I respect some of the stuff you post in other threads, but this is just plain crap. Normally I'd answer your questions but you've riled me with this childish sh!t.

I've seen this kinda BS on the boards before - as soon as someone suggests a course of action which is anyway polite or friendly, muppets like you come along and scream AFC at the top of your lungs like there's no tomorrow.

Please go learn how to deal with people from your past in an adult way before preaching to me how AFC I am now.

Oscar.

 

[echo1212]

Oscar, believe me Im not trying to personally cut you down, I too have respected many of your posts on here. But in this case, based JUST on the info you have provided us, you would be totally afc to go and see this girl. I've had my heart broken by a girl who left me for another guy. Its not fun. And it took me time to get over it. The last thing I would want to do is to see her again on anything but the most lightly cordial terms after what she did to me.

If I cheated on my gf and a year later I called and said lets meet for drinks and she did, I would know I still had her and could get her back at any time. You need to show some respect for yourself and not give her the satisfaction of this. What she did was very hurtful Im assuming to you, and showed you a lack of respect, I felt I needed to yell at you to make you see this, but alas, I fear your going to go ahead with this no matter what is said on this board. Live and learn my friend.

 

[NewMan]

Why?

Oscar,

Why would you go see her? What the point. Forget the fact that she dumped you for someone else. You've got a GF now, so why bother with your past?

You want to catch up with old friends? - give em a call and talk. There's nothing that can't be done over the phone or email.

Does this ex keep in contact with you over the hpine or email on a regular basis? If not, she's not a friend.

If she doesn't keep you informed about her life thoughout the years on a regualr basis, then it's quite possible she's just seeing if she can get to you again. Does she have a BF now?


My ex had an ex call her after 9 yrs. They had never talked once. He had just got divorced a couple months before - called her up asking if she wanted to get drinks.

She told me, and said she would be interested in going. There was no way I was going to sit there and let this happen. After 9 yrs of no contact. He's just divorced. It was obvious to me what her wanted.

She didn't go.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Hehe, you got me a little annoyed there, soz for the minor outburst

Why do I want to meet her? Because I was friends with her before we went out for one thing. She does mail me every few months with a life update. Never mentions her BF. She broke up with me before going back to him physically - I respect that (although she cheated "emotionally" as some people on here would say). I'm not holding a major grudge against her, but I am slightly pissed off. One funny thing was she was madly into me in the relationship, and I was easy-going about the whole thing - didn't kill me when she left.

I think it is perfectly possible for a guy to meet an ex and have a conversation just like "one of the lads".

I'm not physically attracted to her - she's very fit but not above 6.5 on the scale.

Ok, there's some more info. So on to your objections to the idea:

One is that it's AFC.

What's AFC about it? I don't give a damn about her in a romantic/other kinda way, I'm just meeting one of the guys for a pint, except he's female - big deal. I'm always meeting friends in town for pints, so this is no big out-of-my-way AFC thing to do.

Two - why bother?

Because in my society it's acceptable and friendly to meet up "for a pint" to catch up and have a chat. It's the done thing, not a big deal, even with a girl 1-1 unless it's made into a romantic thing (expensive bar, late at night etc). I don't have any intention of doing that.

echo, I'm not necessarily going to go against the advice given here if I think they're valid arguments, but I'm not convinced of the validity of any given so far (particularly the AFC one in case you hadn't noticed )

Oscar.

 

[echo1212]

I didnt even mention how disrespectful this would be to your present day gf. Extremely. How would you like it if she went see an ex for "drinks"? I doubt if you would. There is just nothing positive that could come out of this other than to satisfy your own personal issues with her, i sense that your still not over her and have been harboring some thoughts now and then about her, or your unhappy with your gf now, otherwise this just doesnt make sense.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by echo1212
I didnt even mention how disrespectful this would be to your present day gf. Extremely. How would you like it if she went see an ex for "drinks"?

Excellent - valid reason. But not if she doesn't know about it, but that's another issue.

Originally posted by echo1212

I doubt if you would. There is just nothing positive that could come out of this other than to satisfy your own personal issues with her, i sense that your still not over her and have been harboring some thoughts now and then about her, or your unhappy with your gf now, otherwise this just doesnt make sense.

I am over her, am not physically (or any other way) attracted to her, and don't think about her except for the times she emails me.

I'm comfortable with my gf now, but I'm not sure I'm going to disrespect her given your first point above.. rethinking.

I guess I'm thinking that I'd like to remain friends with the ex, and one of the reasons I think that's possible is that my IL was low when I was with her. That make sense?

Processing ... please wait ....

Thanks for feedback despite my rowdiness

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

Not afc, but still

I am not saying your AFC, but just take everything into perspective. I don't know anything about your current g/f, but I'm going to assume she's a great girl or she wouldn't have a "DJ" like yourself. An ex calls and wants to meet.......what is the best thing that can possibly happen. You have fun, laugh catch up do whatever. What's the worst thing that happen? Your "great girl" starts to think well if he can see ex-girlfriends and who knows what will go on, I'm going to start see ex-boyfriends too, or better yet, maybe I should just start seeing other guys and give him the chance to figure out what girl he really wants. Is that a risk you're willing to take. That might not be the way it happens, but just the same, from my point of view it would cause tension and you have a lot more to lose than you have to gain by "catching up". Leave the past in the past and be happy that you have something most guys are looking for. Just my .02.

 

[DJjazzyJeff]

oh, forgot to mention, if she's a 6.5, it's even less worth it than I had thought in the first place....

 

[echo1212]

Well, it sounds as though you are going to go ahead and do this. So if so, will you tell your present day gf? And if so, how? And what if she objects, what will you do? Argue with her? Plead with her? Ignore her? Or listen to her? Or if you dont tell her how will you feel later looking her in the face knowing you have kept a very big secret from her, how could you feel good about yourself and what does that tell you about your respect for her? Dont you see, your just opening up a big can of worms that doesn't need to be opened. Too much drama-which is stressful and counterproductive to leading a happy life. It almost seems like your the type-and Im not criticizing you here, just pointing this out-but it seems like your the type that maybe has a need to be liked by everyone, and even though this girl left you for another, you still want to be friends with her so that your own inner feelings are satisfied. I dont know, just seems like too much to risk for so little in return. With me being an econ. major, I have a tendancy to look at opportunity costs, and in this case they seem way to high.

 

[Quick]

I don't know if you're not being honest with yourself, or not being honest with us.

Fact 1: You feel that meeting your ex could cause problems with your current gf. You're considering not even telling your gf, and at the least you're worried about how to approach her with the idea. Regardless, meeting your ex is going is going to cause trouble, just a matter of how much. You wouldn't want your gf to meet her ex for drinks if it was reversed.

Fact 2: You're not attracted physically to your ex. You don't have leftover feelings with her. She left you in a hurtful way. You don't feel you owe her anything. You guys may have been friends before you got together, but you haven't been since the breakup. A life update email every couple of months does not equal a friendship. You don't need her to catch up on mutual friends, you can contact them yourself. You're not so desperate for friends that you have to drag back ex's from the past who don't even live in town.


So why are you willing to cause problems with a good happy relationship and a girl who cares for you; in order to meet up with a girl that does nothing for you, can't benefit you, and left you for her ex?

Either you don't work logically (which I know you do) or there's something you want from your ex which you won't admit, that makes it worthwhile to cause problems with your current gf. Think hard about what it is, realize you don't need it, and tell your ex you'll have to pass.

 

[princelydeeds]

If I wanted to see her I'd probably go. I'd personally go tap dat a$$. Go lay the pipe on her, make her sad she ever left you. You only live once. What your current lady doesn't know won't hurt her. Don't tell her anything, just be careful not to get caught.

 

[HeyPretty]

If you'd have to lie to assuage any anger on behalf of your current gf just to see this bird, it's not worth it.

To you, it's totally innocent. But if you have to lie, obviously your gf won't think the same thing.

Don't risk a current good relationship for an old burned out one.

You might be left with 2 chicks who don't want to date you.

Let your ex know, that you're hoping for the best for her, but do it through email. Then erase the email.

Some chickies don't handle ex's well. Your current gf seems to be one.

It's just smart to *not* put a cat amongst the pigeons.

 

[MDgood]

Your current gf won't understand, regardless. If you can go without the gf knowing about it, do that.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Quick, I'm a programmer, hence use logic occasionally at least, maybe not when dealing with women though

What I would say to the current girl, should I decide to tell her, would be that if she had a problem I wouldn't go, plain and simple. But I reckon she'd insist I go, and then be upset about it, knowing her.

Yo princely, you know if I really wanted to, I might just do that. But I'm not interested any, and have admitted the fact to myself that I have a gf, so won't do the dirt.

Ok, I have not decided either way as yet (despite appearances echo). Currently I'm thinking a) don't go or b) don't go. Fsck it, think I just made up my mind whilst writing that last sentence.

Osc.