How to talk more without coming over as forced?

[RestUnknown]

I don't have any social skills. Conversations die out very quickly and when I want to say something, it comes over as forced (as in how was your weekend, past history, trying to be funny,...).

I know that just doing it would help, but this isn't true for me. I have some colleagues with whom I know we could be friends if I would just be myself. But when I'm with them, there are akward silences or conversations of just 30 seconds...

As you can imagine I'm sick and tired of this, but I don't know why it doesn't get any better.

 

[wifehunter]

Ride the wave!

 

[Serenity]

Think of it this way, all the time there's silence it's not only you keeping it that way. In a dialogue you should do roughly 50% of the effort driving the dialogue. Though there is a few things that makes it easier for the other person to continue the conversation, @Amante Silvestre covered that well.

When I start a conversation I often start with telling something I experienced recently and has me interested, instead of asking the other person a question trying to get them to talk. If you're really unlucky you might even have trouble ending the conversation (or rather the monologue by the other person). Happens from time to time that I just randomly start telling someone about something and they unexpectedly are super interested in a related subject, so they'll literally drive 100% of the conversation. I've started several full-blown debates by just saying a couple of sentences, where multiple people engage in a topic for an hour or more. It doesn't have to take much.

Whenever I've said something I (now habitually) gauge their level of interest. If it's just short replies I don't try to force it, it's a miss and they're not really interested either in talking at the moment or in the topic. If they are interested they'll not make it particularly hard to follow up the conversation (unless they lack social skills), they might share a similar experience, voice some opinions or ask questions out of interest.

The goal isn't to talk to everyone, you would want to narrow it down to people who likes to talk about things you'd like to talk about. As such you just gotta throw some things out there and see if anyone shows interest in it. That way friends will find you instead of you trying to find them.

At work I have some guys who likes talking politics, so I'll talk politics with them when I feel like it. Some other guys likes talking about video games, but not politics so I'll keep it to their preferred topic with them and so on.

 

[Alvafe]

the main thing is, ask questions, you don't need to talk you just need to push the way for the other to talk, so ask questions, when I was younger I was better at this then i'm now, don't know if was because I cared more about people before then now, but things alwyas work for me, ask questions, then ask something in the what the person said, make a little joke about the situation, and ask again something on that

and practice, practice a lot, not only with girls, with anyone, you will also find the older the person is more willing for then make some small talk

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Can't really add much to what has been said.

-Practice really is key. Depending on you're job/lifestyle you might go a few hours a day not saying a word to anyone. So, once you're out in public, it's important to engage the mouth and Broca's area. This should be a daily occurrence. Shop girls, barbers, waiting staff, doormen, whoever. These people are faced with the public all day everyday so they are used to interaction. It doesn't matter. It soon becomes natural after a few weeks/months of conscious effort.

-Doesn't matter what you say, more how you say it. If you're friendly and engaged in the moment, no matter the subject, noone can criticise you.

-Theres nothing wrong with having a few conversations planned, so to speak. Subjects that you find interesting. Sound bites from the previous week or favourite comedians. This will also help you identify with like minds.

-Being independent of the outcome is probably the biggest thing. The anxiety comes from fear of failure (not realising the outcome). If you view having the conversation itself as the victory, you'll never fail, regardless of outcome.

-Lastly, and with view to point one (practice), if you go out to meet people (women) go out an hour early and talk to people on your way. 'Warm up', so to speak. Last week, on my way out, I chatted briefly with a guy on the bus who needed to take a leak and was on the wrong bus! An absolutely BS conversation content-wise, but we were on the same level and it got my mouth working before getting in to the night proper.

 

[EmotionalGeek]

In my opinion it's GOOD to embrace awkward silence/pauses in the conversation. This gives HER the opportunity to show interest in you.

I personally believe that it takes supreme confidence to allow for prolonged silence during conversation.

I also believe the more important key to attracting them is LISTENING. Listen 80% and speak 20%. Of the 20%, make the majority of it about THEM.

There's a reason we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. The more I listen, the better I communicate.

Only problem is how to make them talk

 

[ubercat]

U can't make anyone do anything. The fish r biting or not.

 

[EmotionalGeek]

U can't make anyone do anything. The fish r biting or not.

It's fallacy. There are guys that womans like and those that are not liked by them. So natural consequence of that is those better guys does something differently hence they make woman talk.

 

[ubercat]

Nope.. the biggest variable that has an impact on the interaction is her mood. Now you can influence a woman's mood but that's a level of skill well beyond what we r talking about here

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Most of the guys I have ever associated with have been approximately equal in terms of looks, social status and affluence. Let's say average 7.5-8/10 in value. Out of those guys, all starting on a level playing field, those that have been most successful with women have been the ones with dynamic personalities that can talk to people.

the biggest variable that has an impact on the interaction is her mood.

Also not entirely accurate. The most influential variable over your interactions will be your own mood.

Sounds like hocus-pocus, hippy-dippy mumbo-jumbo BS to a lot of people, but you will attract people who are on your same wave length. The outside world is a direct reflection of your internal state. And it works exactly the same for both men and women.

I'm sitting in a bar last week shooting the sh!t with a guy who's been there for a while before I arrived.

He's pointing out women that he's either already spoken to or likes the look of. Two examples by way of demonstration:

GIRL 1:
English rose hottie. Proper 8.5, maybe even a 9 on a good day. Absolutely stunning even in jeans and a t-shirt. Right up my street. We try to guess her nationality as she walks past and she looks over and strikes up conversation while we check her out. Turns out she has a 'gorgeous' boyfriend; but she's smiley and engaging and leaves me wanting more of her.

GIRL 2:
Turkish battle axe. Only slightly less attractive than GIRL 1, but gives merely half a sh!tty glance and stuck-up, ignorant attitude as I call 'hello' as she's walking past. Left me absolutely unphased and my mate just started taking the p!ss.

Now, though this is a slightly left field example, it demonstrates the same point as being able to hold conversation and being in the right frame of mind. The point being, personable people are exactly that, they are personable and on your level. Equally they are not going to be interested in you if you can't meet their mood.

This is at least half the battle when trying to hold a conversation with someone.

Why would I continue to engage with GIRL 2? Why would I allow her sh!tty attitude bring my own down when GIRL 1 is right on my level?

Forget other people's mood. Concern yourself with your own mindset and you'll only attract / bother with those who can meet your own energy.

 

[homie]

all they really have to do is SLOW DOWN AND ARTICULATE whatever it is that naturally comes to their mind

That's great advice!
I used to talk really fast back then and sometimes understood that without proper articulation my words didn't make sence even to myself.
Idea of slowing down is great itself. When I began to work on my social skills, I was really high-strung, I thought it was ok because I couldn't even start talking if wasn't agitated enough. Sometimes it helped, but everything really started working when I managed to stay relaxed while communicating.

 

[Mike32ct]

I know this is somewhat unrelated and doesn't answer your question, but I wanted to mention this. It's an interesting dynamic that I noticed years ago.

1. If you are with a group of people, if you start out quiet and open up later, they will largely ignore you.

Let's say that four coworkers invite you to dinner. For the first hour or so, you start out shy/quiet and just listen to the conversation. (Nothing wrong with that per se.).

But later, you start to feel more comfortable, so you try to participate in the conversation or even start your own conversation topic. You will probably find that the coworkers will give you one word answers and change the topic from what you mentioned. In short, they will unconsciously "freeze you out" or "punish" you for being quiet earlier. (I believe it is unconscious and not intended to rude/cruel, but I've noticed it many times.)

Thus, the PUAs are absolutely correct when they preach about "going in strong" (right from the beginning) when it comes to conversations. Don't start out quiet and try to compensate later.

 

[AlphaNate]

ZOOM.

• Zoom in: get more specific about the current topic. Ask what.
• Zoom out: get more general about the current topic. Ask why.
• Swipe: move to a related topic, and go back to zooming.

Women love to talk. Just kick start it.