Edit of my above post:
I lost some good realizations of my own because a thread was deleted, so I try to rewrite it here:
It's better to be confidently insecure than insecurely insecure.
I may increase the emotional intimicy to another person while pretending to be confident, and after a while the other person discovers the real me, rejects me and wouldn't have considered me a good fit in the first place. So I would get hurt more than necessary.
Applies to men and women. For friendship or dating-/sex-/relationship-wise.
What gets preached here and in the "manosphere" in general is you NEED to be confident, fearless, etc.
That's based on a warped, inhuman view what and who other people are for oneself. Rollo Tomassi has such a warped view. Women aren't value-assessing machines, they don't assess men like cattle for meat production.
People want to be with other people who are more or less on their level. It's natural, and we men do it just the same. And there is nothing wrong with it.
And:
Women who are insecure are OK being with an insecure man. Women who are inauthentic are OK being with an inauthentic "player". And authentic, self-accepting women want to be with an authentic, self-accepting man.
And of course it is better for oneself to be confident, courageous and so on. But not because one is not good enough if one is insecure or afraid. No, it's because being confident and courageous leads to more fulfilling life, relationships and partners.
Interest and attraction:
Attraction can be controlled to some extent, but it can't be forced or eliminated.
Attraction is the physical appearance, scent, and chemistry (similar personalities). That's it.
It doesn't suddenly "go away". The feeling of aversion can lower the overall interest, but not the attraction.
Interest consists of attraction and value.
Value can be controlled to some extent, but it's not advisable to do so.
The value we have for someone else or someone else has for us. How important is the other person for us?
Also referred to as caring about someone, being invested, having someone on a pedestal.
If the guy values the girl more than vice versa, simping takes place.
If the girl values the guy more than vice versa, plate spinning or fvck buddy takes place (female simping).
If both value each other the same, a healthy relationship happens.
The power dynamic can be controlled by restraining oneself from over-valueing the other person, or "pulling". That only works if the other person already values you and ignores his/her inner voice (is insecure and/or infatuated).
However, an imbalanced value-dynamic tells you it's not the right girl for you at this moment. Regardless how high the attraction is.
Discovered dealbreakers change the value. If the girl wants or wishes something and you are able to fulfill it and she discoves it, this changes your value for her as well.
So insecurity may be a dealbreaker for a confident girl. But for an insecure girl it doesn't have to be one.
Handsomeness might be something a pretty girl wants. Being inauthentic is a dealbreaker for authentic girls.
Being kind is something kind girls want. Being an a-hole is something female a-holes want.
Being carefree is something carefree girls want. And so on.
Some more realizations I've had:
Interacting with girls has no other purpose than to behave due to how you feel at the very moment. This being true to oneself is important, forcing an outcome (for example having sex with girl xyz tonight) is degrading to yourself and is ignoring yourself.
No point in pretending to be someone else, you will only prolong the discovery of dealbreakers, increase potential heartache because you spend more than necessary time with her, and the uncovering of "fits" between you and the girl (which would increase her interest) stops.
There is no fvcking it up. There's no point being constantly vigilant and afraid to not do something "wrong". It wasn't the right girl at the right time for the you you are right now. If she rejects you because you behaved insecure, she never was the right one for you right now.
Work on you nonetheless, because you may live a more fulfilling life with more loving relationships.
Value dynamic can be affected in a healthy way: NOT by caring, e.g. asking how her day was. But by really seeing her, being very present while talking to her. It's entirely different from caring, it's not an investment, it doesn't make you value her more and she doesn't feel overvalued and doesn't cause her to loose respect for you, it's something different. It's feeling seen and understood rather than just needed or wanted. You can care little but be present even more, this is always the preferred state for the man.
Sh1t tests don't exist. Shoutout to RangerMike for this one. They always want the genuine response, which is usually to loose interest in her and act accordingly. Be true to yourself, always.
About fear of rejection:
The point I want to make about fear of rejection is it's justified and stupid to ignore.
But first what we do to increase the fear unnecessarily:
Fantasizing: Imagining how it would be to marry and have children with the girl you talked to for 20s and know her name and profession and nothing more. That's the extreme. But even the smaller fantasies, like fantasizing how the date is going to be, are dangerous. The brain can't separate between real experiences and fantasized experiences. They are both real to the brain, they create the same emotions, you can develop feelings for a fantasy, you can build trust for a fantasy, emotional intimicy, familiarity, expectations of joy, and so on. And then you meet her in real life again and poof: To you she is this intimate fantasized person and you behave accordingly, but she actually is a total stranger. This will also lead to fear of rejection, since she is so valuable to you (because of the experienced emotions from the fantasies), but the stranger in front of you is behaving like, well, a stranger who doesn't care as much as she should be (based on your fantasies).
Forcing outcomes: The outcome isn't controllable, since there is a non-controllable person involved (the girl) (and the whole universe around the two of you). So you are trying to tame the whole universe that night to achieve your goal. Being afraid of not achieving to tame everything (= rejected or postponed by the girl) is the logical emotional consequence.
Why the fear is justified: The intensity of the fear is an indicator how small the feeling of love for yourself is compared to how much you may feel loved by her.
So every time you are afraid of getting rejected, you know you have more room to get to know you, which will lead to more love for yourself.
It also means the emotion of love for yourself (or your awareness of yourself and who you are) determines the quality of your romantic relationships.
Less self-love = less fullfilling romantic relationships.
