How to respond to brush-off e-mail?

[Buddhistguy]

Hi there,

Just after some advice on how to respond to a girl.

To set the picture, I am 32. The girl is 21, and about to start university.

I went on two dates with this girl. On the first date, she was all over me. On the second date, she was just as keen and wanted to come back home with me, but I turned her down.

I then tried to hook up with her for a third date but she fobbed me off for a couple of weeks. I wrote to her again last night to see if she was free and got this response:

"I don't know, I have under 10$ in my account right now and things are really tight and school's starting up. Gah, I feel really pressured with puting together the cash for uni and the books and everything.

On a side note, so you know, I'd love to meet up with you again but one of my friends has began courting me and I really like him and his company and we get on well, I've known him for years now and he's sending out signals and he's such a gentlemen. I've always enjoyed his company and he's really tender and patient. We always teased about things but now he's being more serious and it's something I'd like to persue. He's someone who will go out with me but not expect anything until we're much closer.. which makes me feel even more calm and at ease. He's a lovely guy, I'd really be over the moon if things went well with him.


Hope all is ok with you. I'm gonna hit the sack. z_z"

I know this is a no-go zone but just wondering what the best way to respond is. Should I:

A. Be nice and act like it is ok amd we should still be friends (Seems like the AFC option to me)

B. Call on her behaviour

C. Be a gentleman, but make it clear I only want to see her in a romantic capacity.

D. Ignore her completely.

I know there is little chance of me getting any action now, but I want to keep my options open if there is a chance of anything happening in the future. I get the feeling she is feeling like a bit of a slut at the moment because of how quickly she moved, which is why she is gravitating towards her friend who is "a complete gentleman". Any ideas?

 

[penkitten]

just ignore it.

 

[Jariel]

Ignore her mate, it's a lost cause and you'll gain nothing by prolonging any contact with her or analysing the email.

It hurts to be rejected and I guess it's like an instinct to bite back, but sometimes things don't work out for reasons out of our hands and it's best just to let them go.

I doubt it's personal. From my experience, many girls in their early 20s are just fickle.

 

[tmpgstx]

Here's a girl that on the second date with you wanted to go home with you.

Now .. with Mr. Wonderful who she has known for years, wants to be patient and is starting to show interest. She is more comfortable also in pursuing this, in part because he is not putting any pressure on her in expecting anything until they do get closer.

Makes alot of dam sense *shakes head*

 

[insomniac]

I choose A...nothing to lose.

Wish her luck. If she wants to talk again, she knows where to reach you, etc.. No negativity, no anger. After that, never think of or contact her again until she suggests something else.

Chances are, this guy will either screw things up or she'll grow bored of him. When and if he's gone, she'll be alone and wanting company. You'll come to mind. Your best chance is being the runner-up.

Nice of her to actually tell the truth here, I must credit her.

Why did you turn her down on the 2nd date anyway?

 

[flexion_]

If you don't mind being her backup plan then continue communicating with her.

 

[Buddhistguy]

Originally posted by tmpgstx
Here's a girl that on the second date with you wanted to go home with you.

Now .. with Mr. Wonderful who she has known for years, wants to be patient and is starting to show interest. She is more comfortable also in pursuing this, in part because he is not putting any pressure on her in expecting anything until they do get closer.

Makes alot of dam sense *shakes head*

Yeah, I picked up on that too. My theory is that she felt she moved too quickly after being seduced by my magical, mystical DJ powers and so decided she wanted to take it slowly with the AFC guy to prove to herself that she wasn't a sl*t. Guess it is my fault for not taking the opportunity to sleep with her when I had it - I always find girls are much more willing to justify your behaviour, and their own, if you have already had sex ...

 

[Royal-tiger]

STOP! STOP!!

Chalk it up as an experience and move on. Do not try to be an understanding "gentleman". And NEVER try to be a pest and overwhelm her with attention in order to revive what was once available.

The lesson is: When you have a chance to take her to bed, close the deal ASAP. I know it sounds (maybe) harsh but with women (considering the way their mind works you could never get the opportunity again. As in your case. Now think for a second, if you had slept with her would you be regretting like you are doing now?

I always try to collect the reward (sexually speaking) whenever the opportunity comes up. At least you enjoyed the mutual physical connection and whatever happens in the future, there is no thought of missed opportunity.

 

[TesuqueRed]

penkitten didn't bother explaining everything that lead to her conclusion (which I think is correct). I think she made a quick, intuitive assessment and came to that conclusion, but I would be interested to see how she breaks it down and gets there -- that can be very instructive, especially if she lays it out without any sugar coating.


for my part, I think Bhuddistguy fvcked up bad. Coed Babe is not at fault here, guy, you are (unless you really didn't want sex with her under those circumstances --- be honest now...)

She wanted sex; a wild time; an older, experienced man; a fling; something fun and dangerous; a no-strings-attached-and-bury-the-needle-in-the-red-zone good time. She wanted to be reamed. She wanted to be taken. She wanted an orgasm or three.

And as far as she was concerned, he wussed out. He begged off, acted like the gentleman she didn't want, and politely dropped her off at home (or something to that effect, no details here on that.)

Definitely NOT what she wanted.

Worse: she tried twice!

my guess is she's hot, knew it, figured that he resisted her once - ha! he's strong, she figured, and the game is that much more of a challenge and fun, so she tried again because he elevated the tension and (as they say) "games on!"

But a "relationship" isn't what she was after here, although he might have been.

When a woman lays herself out like that and is treated like she's a precious, virginal, victorian innocent, she feels anything but the goddess -- she feels REJECTED. Especially so when she was being sexual and adventurous and making it more than easy and obvious for you to step up and be the man.

Her second feeling is that you're not man enough for her. And she'd be right (didn't want to say that...)

That's ugly, but I think it's true nervous: yeah, I done that at one point too...)

Anyway - to answer your question,

--A. being nice at this point is AFC behavior and will only dig the hole deeper, so don't even bother.

--B. calling her on it will set in cement her 2nd feeling that you're a loser and not man enough for her. She wouldn't be far off the mark, either. Doing that merely says you're a hurt little boy who couldn't handle a real woman like her - and your age difference makes that all the more pathetic in her mind.

--C. continue to be in contact and let her know you're interested in her only in a romantic capacity? Too late for that, way too late. She laid herself out for a reaming (twice), nothing happened and is so over that and you're still in the "let's get to know each other" mode. She's already down the road and outta sight.

IOW, game's over - you're in garbage time. You've lost, and everyone would just be running out the clock. An onside kick and follow-up fumble-returned-for-a-touchdown ain't happening: she's moved onto the next game already, and you're going home alone for the season but don't know it yet. The zebras have even tucked away the yellow flags and the stands are emptied. You risk being viewed as more clueless and pathetic in everyone's mind if you continue trying to play hard at this point.

--D. ignore it? Yes, sadly, the only thing for you is to not make the losses any worse. And that means ignoring it, not responding, be polite if you run into her on the street later, and let it drop completely.

Last nail in the coffin here: she probably already fully dissed you to her friends, but she probably played it where she wasn't rejected (she'll never admit that) and that you are the pathetic older loser pursuing her and being annoying. This says to her friends without spelling it out that "she's so hot she's got so many guys chasing her, she's so used it to it's tiresome and nothing but annoying, etc etc. Life is hard being hot, ya know?

Forget that and learn from it. Keep in mind - you got a hot 21 yr old very excited, challenged her to try TWICE to get you, so you've got something going for you. Bet you left her panties wet each night, too! Just analyze where you misread this and how you would have handled it otherwise. She wasn't offering a relationship. She was offering herself for a wild, passionate sexual fling. That's not a bad thing...

 

[Soprano]

continue doing what you were doing as if you never got the email.... this shouldn't phase you

 

[Warlord]

D.

Save your pride - she's making it easy and letting you know she doesn't want to date you.

And while you mentioned the ages of the girl and yourself, why don't you date girls a couple years older than she was, I don't like cradle robbers and if she was my sister, I'd put you in beta position faster than I can snap my fingers.

 

[Buddhistguy]

Originally posted by Warlord
D.

And while you mentioned the ages of the girl and yourself, why don't you date girls a couple years older than she was, I don't like cradle robbers and if she was my sister, I'd put you in beta position faster than I can snap my fingers.

Well, I am sure you would try anyway ... I like to think it is up to the girl to decide who she wants to date - A mature man who knows what he wants, or a twenty-one year old who calls himself "Warlord" and thinks that posturing and posting threats on an internet messageboard makes him look like an Alpha Male ...

 

[Buddhistguy]

TesuequeRed,

I would have quoted your response because it is a great post, full of useful insights that I am sure others will benefit from reading, but I don't think we are meant to quote posts of that length. I think your observations on how young women who are sexually atracted to a man do not want that man to act like a "gentleman" are particularly worth taking note of.

I agree with your summation:I should have closed the deal on the second date. My fault entirely - I was too confident and assumed that her interest level would have continued for a third date. In the past, I have had a lot of success with women that age by not appearing too eager, and I guess I just assumed this would be the case here. I also guess I am the stage where I don't just want casual sex, and from past experience, I have found that accepting offers of sex straight away have meant the relationship generally peters out after a couple of weeks or months, so I thought taking it slow might enhance the chance of a more extended relationship. Nevermind, I have dates with two women next week (one who has already told me she is worried because she is finding my company addictive ), and I will be sure to keep this last experience fresh in my mind if any offers come up. Thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed post!

 

[Buddhistguy]

Double post

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
penkitten didn't bother explaining everything that lead to her conclusion (which I think is correct). I think she made a quick, intuitive assessment and came to that conclusion, but I would be interested to see how she breaks it down and gets there -- that can be very instructive, especially if she lays it out without any sugar coating.

basically when i read the thread , this is what i saw...

him:" do you want to get together "
her: ( brush him off gently about money, then add in "new wonderful guy in my life, i want to pursue, (brag brag)

it doest matter if she is just trying to make him jealous, save face and look busy or is honestly interested in this other guy. she nicely brushed him off, move on.
chit chat will be wasting his time when he can be pursuing other things.
he can honestly wish her luck if he wants, however he isnt obligated to do so.
if you ignore things like this sometimes, you will see if they were to make you jealous, because if she continues to write to you, then that is most likely the story.
you should never want to end up with someone who lies to make you jealous if that is the case.

 

[wavejams007]

Buddistguy, there is only one solution, accept the truth, you must be a homosexual.

 

[Buddhistguy]

Originally posted by wavejams007
Buddistguy, there is only one solution, accept the truth, you must be a homosexual.

Why is it that every gay guy I meet who wants to pick me up tries to do so by trying to convince me that I am really gay?

*Not that there is anything wrong with that*

 

[Buddhistguy]

Re: How's this?

Originally posted by swampwiz
Well, if you ever feel like cheating on him, give me call. ;-)

Very clever - I like that one!