How to respond kindly when someone backs out of a date??

[LoneRanger]

I just set a date with someone who lives about 20 minutes away. We met online. Since I am not familiar with her area I said we'd meet at the mall here about 5 miles from my house.

We had chatted for a long time last night, our first contact with each other, and her interest level seemed high. The same with the short phone call I just made.

However, if she decides to back out what should my reply be? I don't want to be mean. Just a polite blow-off.

 

[LoneRanger]

If she backs out, and has the courtesy to call you to tell you, just act like it's cool. Think: Peter in Office Space, who went to get lunch whether Jennifer Aniston joined him or not.

You shouldn't be chatting for a "long time" before a first date. That's a fundamental no-no. Keep it short and sweet.

Okay. Will do.

Tonight on the phone I told her we'd meet at the food court. She was a little hesitant but said she will show.

If she changes her mind on the way here and pulls a no-show she would be out of $$ because he has to hire a baby sitter.

We'll probably chat breifly Friday to talk about stuff like how to identify each other when there and stuff like that. Tonight she is busy around the house.

Last nights chat was 1 hour 45 minutes but didn't seem too long. She is good looking but dosen't seem to get out much or date at all. Like me, she is in a small town and don't like the bars. This is the header to her profile "It seems that a girl can't get a date!!!! Whats a girl to do? No MR.RIGHT for me?" Seemed like a genuine person even on the phone.

Her interest level is high but my hopes are not high.

 

[Ollie]

Well the thing to remember here is that her not showing wouldn't automatically indicate low interest...she might be nervous about meeting someone from online. So just be cool. What do you have to lose? You don't even know her. Be patient and don't react, and try to find some confidence...don't worry about things you can't control, like whether she'll show or not.

 

[LoneRanger]

Looks like the cards are in my favor. Just talked to her at length on the phone. She may as well have asked me out. {is there such a thing as a female sarge? lol}

She is a great looking and seems like a genuine small factory town, good girl type who hates bars thus can never gets dates. Wears a D cup bra and WANTS to meet me. Hasn't had a man for a long time.

I am not nervous at all. Apparently, all I have to do is show up and enjoy myself.

She isn't going to stand me up and plans to be there with bells on.

 

[LoneRanger]

I want to say this before anyone responds with negative criticism, I will have my eyes and ears open at all times and keep the Alpha Male frame and mindset. No simping out.

This site has helped me out too much for me to falter.

 

[Mr. Me]

Last nights chat was 1 hour 45 minutes but didn't seem too long.

It sounds like it was about one hour and 35 minutes too long, actually.
Then you chatted twice more since?

Here's the risks you run when you run your mouth:

1. You may inadvertently say something that turns her off. It could be a viewpoint, a belief, if you curse, if you say something negative, make a confession, become boring, who knows what. Women screen for flags. They ask questions not so much to get to know you better but to find reasons not to continue.

2. You become an open book if you talk about yourself. Then there's no reason left to meet you, and the decision to not meet you is based on what they've learned about you. If they still had to learn about you, however, then they'd have to meet you.

3. You become too available. You have a couple of hours to spend on the phone. Nothing else going on, no other options is the message that sends. Then you're available to chat every time she calls? The message is you're willing to let her take priority over other matters in your life.

4. It's way too much exposure of yourself to her. It's better to leave them wanting more.

Now I know you're probably reading all this and thinking, "Dude! She called ME and practically BEGGED to see me! She's INTERESTED!" - and I say, maybe so, but you ran the risk of lowering her interest.

And maybe she is interested. Maybe she's not. Women can ACT interested. Maybe she's just really lonely if she "hasn't had a man" in a long time, you know? THAT'S the next thing you're going to have to figure out if you meet her. But don't buy into this "good girl, hates bars thus can't get dates" baloney. Don't give credit to strangers you haven't even met. You don't really know what she's really like. Maybe there's a good reason she doesn't get many dates and hasn't had a man for a long time, you know?

But if she does flake, there is NO responding, kindly or otherwise. There's no point in it.

Good luck!

 

[decades]

you've already got oneitis. Her profile title seems fishy to me. She seems like a girl who gets a lot of attention but just wants more. She's "great looking", big boobs, not the kind of girl who can't get a date. I don't buy that she can't get a date. She CAN get a date and she knows it, so this title is kind of "daring" men to contact her. I think she is juggling many.

 

[LoneRanger]

you've already got oneitis. Her profile title seems fishy to me. She seems like a girl who gets a lot of attention but just wants more. She's "great looking", big boobs, not the kind of girl who can't get a date. I don't buy that she can't get a date. She CAN get a date and she knows it, so this title is kind of "daring" men to contact her. I think she is juggling many.

I have two others in reserve. No Oneitis but I hear you guys loud and clear.

I am keeping my eyes and ears wide open on this one.

 

[jophil28]

Well the thing to remember here is that her not showing wouldn't automatically indicate low interest...she might be nervous about meeting someone from online.

There is your typical AFC tendency to "understand " a woman's poor behavior rather than call it for what it really is.

 

[horaholic]

It sounds like it was about one hour and 35 minutes too long, actually.

Come on now. They met online. There needs to be a lengthy phone convo before a date in this situation. I sure as hell wouldnt want my sister meeting some online dude face to face until they've at least talked on the phone for a while. He's lucky if he gets a one-on-one the first date.

Remember, there has to be a comfort building phase. I believe one reason that cold approach/fast number closes rarely lead to dates for most people, is because the comfort hasnt been built. The chick doesnt know the pua from Adam. She may have had some initaial attraction, but she is gonna need a little more more than that to go met some strange guy ALONE. Think about it.

If you dont have the opportunity to build comfort in person, it might HAVE to be dont over the phone, AT FIRST. After that point, is when you need to keep phone calls short. Im sure we can all muster up enough personality to pull this off. Phone calls CAN build chemistry. I've had it happen plenty of times.

 

[skEwb]

I usually let them know my time is important and if they get cold feet I keep it cool but I do let them know that they wasted my time in a polite and friendly manner.

Usually they are apologetic and they feel bad and immediately ask to reschedule and then it's all good.

 

[Ollie]

I don't know what data you have on the success rates for the cold approach so am not sure how you can assert that they "rarely lead to dates." Perhaps cold approaches aren't working for you because you're "building comfort" with them on the phone when you call them. I've had plenty of dates built on nothing but a cold approach and a five minute phone call.

And we are talking about meeting online, wherein she ALREADY has plenty of information available to her based on his profile. He shouldn't be "building comfort" with her on the phone. He should be building excitement, anticipation, mystery, and attraction. And after five minutes of that, he should get the f*** off the phone.

I'm 6'3 and the best looking guy that ever lived...and I can put pictures on here to prove it, right? The difference between a cold approach and the internet is she really has no idea who he is...she's never actually seen him. He could be a 58 year old serial rapist, and if he was, I'm sure that wouldnt be anywhere on his profile and it's not too hard to find pictures of other people. There's a big difference...seriously. Granted, I could be a rapist and cold approach a girl and she'd never know, but you get a much better feel for someone meeting them for the first time in person.

The excitement and anticipation is in the meeting itself...online dating is totally different in my mind.

 

[LoneRanger]

She showed up. Half hour late but she had to drive through snow whiteout conditions all the way here. We are seeing each other tomorrow.

 

[horaholic]

I don't know what data you have on the success rates for the cold approach so am not sure how you can assert that they "rarely lead to dates." Perhaps cold approaches aren't working for you because you're "building comfort" with them on the phone when you call them. I've had plenty of dates built on nothing but a cold approach and a five minute phone call.

And we are talking about meeting online, wherein she ALREADY has plenty of information available to her based on his profile. He shouldn't be "building comfort" with her on the phone. He should be building excitement, anticipation, mystery, and attraction. And after five minutes of that, he should get the f*** off the phone.

The data Im referring to is FR's on this forum. I keep reading about people that go do a bunch of approaches, even get a few numbers, then have nothing but flakes, when it comes to date time. Im all for keeping the phone talk to a minimum, but I think there are certain OCCASIONS, where the rules can be bended in order to decrease the chance of a flake. Obviously, if your game is super-solid, and you can get a chick drooling over you in a matter if a few minutes, this wont be necessary. If the chick is on the fence about you, she is likely to flake on a date, so throwing some DHV's on a phone convo might tip the scales more in your favor, assuming you have a good personality, and voice, that is. Im not suggesting one linger on the phone for an hour.

Before I found this site, I used to overdo it phonewise. It worked in my favor several times though. Apparently I have a sexy phone voice, and when I would do the AFC late night long talks, they would lead to sex talk, and then a straight invite to her house for an F-close, bypassing the first date. I've nailed a few girls, by that method. I've since stopped doing that, following advice here. Maybe I shouldnt have.

Maybe the phone rule should be changed to 'if you're on the phone longer than a quick date set up, turn the talk into phone sex.' I've always found it easy to do, and very effective. Im bringing it back.

 

[Mr. Me]

Come on now. They met online. There needs to be a lengthy phone convo before a date in this situation. I sure as hell wouldnt want my sister meeting some online dude face to face until they've at least talked on the phone for a while. He's lucky if he gets a one-on-one the first date.

I guess I won't be dating your sister, or at least, she won't be telling you about me

But there does NOT have to be an hour and 45 minute call, no. It doesn't have to be "lengthy". And it's absolutely for the reasons I cited. Why shoot yourself in the foot with a lengthy phone call when it's not needed to land a date?

If get a number from a girl online after a few emails back and forth, and I can't get a date out of her after, say, 20 minutes on the phone, spending almost two hours more with her sure isn't the key to make it happen.

 

[Unprez]

There is your typical AFC tendency to "understand " a woman's poor behavior rather than call it for what it really is.

Of course, i mean why would a girl flop on a guy or get nervous meeting a guy she never met b4 that is completely unheard of... i suggest u listen to his advice and start bichin at her for floppin on u and maybe start cryin as well .... sigh, this is wht i mean by ppl just giving so much retarded advice

 

[LoneRanger]

I wasn't going to reply to this thread anymore, however, I want to clear up a couple of things because some of you make me out to be a stupid AFC.

It wasn't a phone call that was 1 hour 45 minutes, it was a Match.com IM chat which she initiated moments after I "winked" at her and other random women.

There was no way in hell she wasn't attracted to me. She was a factory rat, "mother union" type. A spot welder that was laid off from General Motors. As far a looks are concerned I am out of her league.

Here's her profile. She looks much better in person, however!
http://www.match.com/matchus/profil...gid=0&TP=D&Handle=glitter1973&Bannerid=512884

She had a real cute face and kind personality, the type I like, but I bet hasn't dated someone who looks like me since high school, 15-20 years ago. At 33-35 years old and with two kids she had a HB3.:crazy:

We both had fun on when we met. I looked for all the signs. I didn't do any simping. There was light hearted banter all during our date. After a while, I wanted to end it and suggested the same but she wanted more. The dinner/mall date lasted about 2 1/2 hours. She lived 40 minutes away and showed up over 30 minutes late because of a bad snow storm but there was no excuse for it so it was red flag #1.

We kissed in the parking lot.

However, since she is close with her factory rat, (and I imagine) thug/drinker friends I bet it wouldn't be long before one of them decided they had a problem with me and she would have nexted me.

I know the type well and we wouldn't have been together very long. I have union factory rat family who live near her who are the same. If someone around them doesn't lower their standards they'll sink their meat hooks into them and drag them down.

MOST IMPORTANTLY; The several phone calls I made on Friday and Sunday were very brief and to the point!! No more than a couple of minutes long, if that. I am not stupid to yammer on and on!!!

If not for this thread I would have forgotten all about her. :crackup:

When she backed out of the 2nd date, I wrote her off and she was "nexted" but I gave her the benefit of a doubt because of her kids needing a baby sitter was plausible.

 

[Mr. Me]

I want to clear up a couple of things because some of you make me out to be a stupid AFC.

I think you do some chumpish things but I don't think you're stupid.

I think you're unaware of some things, and, being unaware, you don't realize it.

I think you react to your emotions.

I think you don't like to think that maybe it's you and not the other people.

I think you're not that savvy on the whole online game. Things perhaps like, men don't wink at women.

Things like, it doesn't matter what form it took it was still a lengthy chat.

And that you shouldn't engage in IMing and you really shouldn't have made yourself so immediately available for her to IM.

And that once she flaked out of the date an even giving an excuse that sounded plausible, you don't pursue.

And you don't then call to ask her if it's over. C'mon.

I've been doing the online thing for almost five years. I've learned. I've got it down to a system and it works well for me.

I don't have these kinds of things happen to me anymore.

Anyway, I think she was just dying to get taken out and she plowed ahead with that, and that seemed like interest to you. And she acted interested when she met you.

But, when she did meet you, something happened, because that's when things turned. They didn't turn later. Whatever made her change her mind, it was rooted in meeting you.

So if it wasn't your appearance, then it was your behavior or your mannerisms or your hygiene or you were sexual or uncouth, but you're not going to know what it was because in your eyes, you didn't do a damn thing wrong and it's just easier to blame her.

And I am blaming her, saying it was she who didn't like you.

Let's just hope you're not giving people reasons. That's a factor that has to be considered because of the way it went down.

You know, when you go to a doctor for help, they have to do things to you that can hurt or are uncomfortable. Stick you with a needle. Bang your knee. Grab your balls. Stick a finger up your ass.

If you go to a therapist, they may have to tell you things about yourself that you may not like to hear.

But you can't be helped otherwise if all you wanna hear is you're okay and everyone else is wrong.

Let's take a look at your match photos and get a consensus on you. Up to that?

 

[mikeraw]

http://www.match.com/matchus/profile...nerid =512884

I've officially become impotent for the next two weeks.

 

[LoneRanger]

Let's take a look at your match photos and get a consensus on you. Up to that?

I already did that before and got everyone's suggestions.

then it was your behavior or your mannerisms or your hygiene or you were sexual or uncouth

I did some subtle Kino at several points. If it was anything, it was that which turned her away.

This Mother Union came across as not being a sexual type.

I am used to women wanting to make out with me on the 1st or second date. Perhaps that has spoiled me. I'll cool it next time.

A big problem is that I haven't been getting out much. Isolated here in this small town gives me too much time alone to think. Will be hanging out with some old buddies on a regular basis starting tonight.