How to reduce emotional attachment when freshly back in the dating game after an LTR

[Giraffe123]

Starting this post with the caveat I'm aware that I am in a position that I probably shouldn't be complaining about, even though the last 3 months have been some of the worst of my life.

The short summary - I was in an LTR for seven years, have two children with the woman who I thought I would spend my life with, went from looking at rings to her cheating on me and seperating in the space of 3-4 months. Now back dating but struggling to maintain an objective approach to it.

In the month that I have got back into dating, it has already got to the point I've got more offers on the table than I can actually fit in my diary. As a tall, not terrible looking, 30 year old with a decent job, in London, the difference in my ability to get dates has shifted significantly from when I remember it from 7 years ago (particularly in the shape of dating apps, but also just my ability to meet people naturally), and my initial concerns about ever being able to meet someone again have been quashed.

My problem is, although I am aware of the game, how to attract women, my own personal value and how to 'spin plates', I still find myself placing too much emotional attachment in the connections I am making from an early stage. I met one girl who appears head and shoulders above the others, and whilst I am still pursuing all avenues, I find myself to attached to the outcome of my interactions with her. The one caveat is she is incredibly successful and financially miles ahead of me (but would also be for most people our age).

Given that my relationship ended within the last two months, I understand there is a hole I am trying to fill, and the sensible option would be to not do that, and take a period of time out to focus on myself with no distractions. However, given my circumstances I don't really have the time to sit out and recover (I am able to be back in London for 4 months, after which I likely have to move to an area with significantly fewer prospects going on for the sake of custody of my children).

Whilst I am dating, I am also doing things like smashing the gym, focusing on my job, seeing friends who I had stopped seeing, trying to start my own business, improving my ability to just talk to people I don't know and laying down roots in the place I will likely end up living, however I still find myself at times caring too much about this particular person and how they respond, even though we are only in the very early stages of dating.

I guess what I am asking for is advice on how to be less emotionally invested once you meet someone who you see as a genuine prospect, I feel like I'm doing all the right things but still finding myself placing too much weight and my happiness on the outcome of a particular person, which isn't healthy. It might be an impossible ask, given how fresh I am from my relationship being decimated, but thought I would raise the question anyway.

 

[RazorRambo24]

You have to understand why you put so much emotion towards women in the first place. The reasons can be vastly different for a majority of men.

Whenever you feel too emotional toward a woman that is not warranted-- 9/10 times that relationship is unhealthy for you.

For some guys I think its an emotional neediness that just comes from lack.. scarcity, inexperience. and filling a void. It has to do with self esteem in a major way.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

You have to understand why you put so much emotion towards women in the first place. The reasons can be vastly different for a majority of men.

Whenever you feel too emotional toward a woman that is not warranted-- 9/10 times that relationship is unhealthy for you.

For some guys I think its an emotional neediness that just comes from lack.. scarcity, inexperience. and filling a void. It has to do with self esteem in a major way.

I would agree with this, however, I do think that as your SMV rises your ability to meet genuinely good woman (high quality) becomes higher and accordingly the feelings you have towards them may be completely valid. But an unhealthy attachment is never good.

I can't tell you what to do except keep having experiences with them. Eventually you'll develop a thick skin from all the pain.

 

[RazorRambo24]

I would agree with this, however, I do think that as your SMV rises your ability to meet genuinely good woman (high quality) becomes higher and accordingly the feelings you have towards them may be completely valid. But an unhealthy attachment is never good.

I can't tell you what to do except keep having experiences with them. Eventually you'll develop a thick skin from all the pain.

I don't think it has as much to do with SMV (I had to google this sorry I get lost with some of these internet terms) as it does self esteem. There are plenty of guys who are average and don't have this neediness and emotional attachment towards women.

 

[Giraffe123]

Yea I guess it doesn't take a trained professional to work out there's probably some residue issues from being a child/teenager and feeling inadequate.

The thing is I wouldn't say I lack self esteem, although I'm definetly better once I get to know people rather than from fresh.

The behaviour that I'm most concerned about is having an emotional response to not getting responses to messages (although I try and keep them to a minimum anyway) which could definitely be linked back to childhood, but it also wasn't an issue for 7 years of my relationship until the very end when things were in the **** (and as I found out in the end I had every right to notice something was off).

As I said it might be that it's still to early to expect anything but interested if there were any tips or approaches for getting passed it

 

[SargeMaximus]

You just need more notches and read MGTOW memes to get a handle on female nature. Once you got those two, women aren’t unique anymore. The underlying nature is toxic

 

[SargeMaximus]

Not sure if I'd say "toxic", but solipsistic at all costs - absolutely.

I'd start with Rational Male and Manipulated Man if trying to learn female nature. But if you're learning how to deal with it? Red Pill.

RM and MM are not great resources for learning to navigate the waters, but they describe the ocean pretty well. Rational Male's Saving The Best gave me more insecurities than anything, but eventually I got over it. Tread with caution.

I didn’t like RM or any of rolos stuff tbh

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If you are entering a scarcity mindset in a LTR you are probably doomed already, your mindset needs to be sharp and stay sharp, that means you keep the interactions going even if you are in an LTR, keep hitting on women, keep flirting just don't cheat unless that's what you really wanna do

 

[anonymous12345]

Yea I guess it doesn't take a trained professional to work out there's probably some residue issues from being a child/teenager and feeling inadequate.

The thing is I wouldn't say I lack self esteem, although I'm definetly better once I get to know people rather than from fresh.

The way you write you sound emotional and anxious, the kind a guy who would get the problems you have. Toughen up.

 

[Giraffe123]

Give No More Mr. Nice Guy and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty a read. Both of these helped me unpack a lot of my sh*tty mental models and start approaching life as a self-actualized man.

If you want to make the change, those are the best tools - in my opinion.

Thanks mate, I've gone through rationale male and a lot of what was said in it lined up to my situation, so grasped the concept pretty well, but as you say I don't think it gives you much more than knowledge of the female mindset, which is obviously key but only part of the battle

 

[SargeMaximus]

Neither did I, but it was accurate.

Practical Female Psychology: for the Practical Man is another good option. Helps men snuff out their Madonna/Wh0re complex.

No I mean I didn’t like it because it didn’t help me

 

[Ricky]

Totally understand what you are going through. In some respects we want the comfort of the long term relationship we were just in… so make the mistake of accelerating things and getting attached too quickly.

maybe we need to create an alter ego