How to raise children to be successful and happy?

[Aurora Demon]

I wanted to start this thread for a while and the other thread https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/are-children-worth-it-do-you-regret-having-kids.273960/ inspired me to do this.
I was personally raised horribly and abused badly and somehow came out okay, and my cousin and sister came out successful due to abuse.

But I've spoken to many people about this, and asked my successful (like medical doctor friends who make over $300,000 a year) how they were raised, and a friend who graduated with 5 bachelors degrees in 3 years, is ripped and has a normal social life and hot girlfriend so he's not a nerd. Etc.

Here's what we theorized and my observations:
1. More educated you are, the better they'll do in school. Having a bachelors degree is a minimum requirement in my opinion for raising kids. It's not that the degree or knowledge helps, it's that they know they come from someone or a family that its normal. A masters or PhD parents typically raise kids who simultaneously have that.
2. Private schools have no impact.
3. Immerse them in sports early on.
4. Musical instrument.
5. NEVER abuse them verbally or physically. Preferably never even hit them once ever.
6. Tell them the truth even if its hard to handle or you think they won't understand.
7. Be accepting, like if they experiment with dr**** don't be judgmental.
8. Sexuality or being gay or trans, be accepting.
9. Being wealthy helps.
10. Not divorcing and being together at least until they're 18 will be a minimal requirement, ideally you're together not divorced until they're fully independent.
11. Not cheating on your spouse or at least not being caught doing it, and definitely not having arguments in front of them.
12. Believe them if it even remotely sounds like they were abused.
13. Entertain any beliefs or dreams or goals they have, no matter how ludicrous, at least at a young age.
14. Always encourage them if their dream is realistic, don't limit their dreams or tell them it's unlikely because it's hard or you could never do it.
15. Don't live vicariously through them, they are their own person. If they want to play video games or dungeons and dragons all day, don't force them to be a pick up artist or weightlifter. Although, hopefully you raised them so they don't play video games or D&D all day. Or hopefully that is just a phase.
16. The younger a guy loses his virginity, the better he is with women for the rest of his life. This is a 100% correlation I've seen.
17. Put them in a lot of different social situations so they're adaptive when they're older.
18. Throw birthday parties for every birthday and be involved in their life when they're younger.
19. Don't be intrusive and trust they'll make the right choices, don't cross boundaries of privacy like going through room or phone.
20. NEVER call the police on them, EVER. I have a friend (had a friend) who stole a bunch of computers from our local high school. His parents called 911 on him to teach him a lesson. He killed himself. I stole books from my school compulsively (no reason behind it, I didn't even want it) and my parents almost called 911, I can 100% relate to my friend who killed himself over his parents betraying him.
21. Instead of 911, punish them at home. Do not risk ruining their life.
22. Spend time with them, watch their soccer games or whatever, try to get them to try out for sports in high school.
23. Tutor them as much as you can. Hire a professional tutor if possible.
24. Be prepared to hire a therapist for them if they're going through a tough time.
25. Don't throw adderall at them until every other option is exhausted, that's a rabbit hole that you don't want them to go down.
26. Make sure at first you put them in a lot of different activities, violin, soccer, ballet, piano, guitar, rock climbing, ice skating, at first. Then it'll narrow down to 1 to 3 activities. It's more important they stick with the activities for a long time rather than being okay at a large number of them.
27. Fix your own mental problems before raising them, or at least hide them from your kids so they're unaware. Like drug addictions or depression.
28. Don't limit them in any way. My guidance counselor told me to drop out of high school because she thought I was too stupid to graduate. I was labeled as "slow" and unable to learn in lower grades. But after high school in college I learned that I was unusually smart and the subjects were just too boring. I have 3 bachelors degrees and am applying to masters programs now. I've taken hard classes with the same students in my high school who were in I.B. and had 4.0 GPAs and they failed the classes while I crushed the classes (organic chemistry, calculus, physics, biochemistry, etc.), my sister was valedictorian and the golden child in my parent's eyes. I turned out to be able to perform better than her academically and am smarter in many useful ways but her IQ is higher.
29.

Any other thoughts? Note I do not have kids. And have the opposite experience of good parents.

 

[Plinco]

The big difference I've noticed is that kids who do well have parents who don't have money problems. Kids raised in a low income situation learn to lower their expectations in life.

 

[Zimbabwe]

Put them in a lot of different social situations so they're adaptive when they're older.

This is the most important one, especially for young men. If they don't socialise at a young age they will likely end up socially awkward

 

[Kotaix]

I have really good parents and family. I was never abused or treated unfairly, although I did get spanked if I got caught lying.

I could probably have used more discipline, but I've never been good at listening anyway. That's just my nature, not anyone's fault.

Being wealthy is an active detriment in my experience, kids that grow up with money don't know the value of things or work.

honestly, don't molest them or allow that to happen, let them make mistakes and support them when they do is about it.

 

[Pandora]

Private school is a waste of money. I went to prestigious private schools for most of my life. The kids ended up at the same universities as the public school kids. The biggest impact on academic performance is parental involvement.

 

[Stuffnu]

If you want to be successful and happy? Don’t have children.

 

[bmp2cpm]

My perspective:

1) Private schools are important at least up until college.

2) Drive is important. When you are too comfortable you have no drive.

3) Genetics determine a lot.

4) Circle of Friends more important than you realize.

I grew up relatively poor. Alcoholic father that left when I was 5. A mother who still kind of “sees” and “hears” things. Still a better mom than many people have though.

Mom and I lived in my grandmother’s house because we were so poor. No car, relied on public transportation.

Narcissistic grandmother who my whole childhood told me she wanted us out of her house.

All of that “bad” gave me a lot of drive to reach a goal of a good career.

Lived in a big city. Went to Catholic grammar school and catholic High School. Only sports I did was karate because it was at the all-girls high school, across from my all-boys high school. The religion gave me a moral compass.

Don’t think I would have turned out well if I went to public school. Would not have learned much. Public schools where I lived were not very safe.

I’m very smart but my two best childhood friends were super-smart. One did research and taught medical students the other designed systems for satellites and was a Chief technology officer.

They were my two male-role models, since I didn’t really have a father. With out these 2 good friends in my life, I would not have been successful. I was very lucky.

Went straight into a 6-year Doctorate Pharmacy program out of high school paid mostly by Pell Grants because I was so poor. A few years after graduation, I did a 1-year pharmacy residency. State colleges.

Took the road less traveled and by many criteria are more successful than almost all of my classmates who took the traditional pharmacist route.

I can watch late night TV and every drug ad I see, I helped play a small part in getting the drug approved. A nice feeling!

Even after a divorce and a remarriage I’m on track to be a multi-millionaire in a few years.

Including annual bonus, earning over 200K (excludes wife’s salary).

Could I have done better if I had a more stable childhood? Maybe, maybe not.

Your mileage may vary.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I wanted to start this thread for a while and the other thread https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/are-children-worth-it-do-you-regret-having-kids.273960/ inspired me to do this.
I was personally raised horribly and abused badly and somehow came out okay, and my cousin and sister came out successful due to abuse.

But I've spoken to many people about this, and asked my successful (like medical doctor friends who make over $300,000 a year) how they were raised, and a friend who graduated with 5 bachelors degrees in 3 years, is ripped and has a normal social life and hot girlfriend so he's not a nerd. Etc.

Here's what we theorized and my observations:
1. More educated you are, the better they'll do in school. Having a bachelors degree is a minimum requirement in my opinion for raising kids. It's not that the degree or knowledge helps, it's that they know they come from someone or a family that its normal. A masters or PhD parents typically raise kids who simultaneously have that.
2. Private schools have no impact.
3. Immerse them in sports early on.
4. Musical instrument.
5. NEVER abuse them verbally or physically. Preferably never even hit them once ever.
6. Tell them the truth even if its hard to handle or you think they won't understand.
7. Be accepting, like if they experiment with dr**** don't be judgmental.
8. Sexuality or being gay or trans, be accepting.
9. Being wealthy helps.
10. Not divorcing and being together at least until they're 18 will be a minimal requirement, ideally you're together not divorced until they're fully independent.
11. Not cheating on your spouse or at least not being caught doing it, and definitely not having arguments in front of them.
12. Believe them if it even remotely sounds like they were abused.
13. Entertain any beliefs or dreams or goals they have, no matter how ludicrous, at least at a young age.
14. Always encourage them if their dream is realistic, don't limit their dreams or tell them it's unlikely because it's hard or you could never do it.
15. Don't live vicariously through them, they are their own person. If they want to play video games or dungeons and dragons all day, don't force them to be a pick up artist or weightlifter. Although, hopefully you raised them so they don't play video games or D&D all day. Or hopefully that is just a phase.
16. The younger a guy loses his virginity, the better he is with women for the rest of his life. This is a 100% correlation I've seen.
17. Put them in a lot of different social situations so they're adaptive when they're older.
18. Throw birthday parties for every birthday and be involved in their life when they're younger.
19. Don't be intrusive and trust they'll make the right choices, don't cross boundaries of privacy like going through room or phone.
20. NEVER call the police on them, EVER. I have a friend (had a friend) who stole a bunch of computers from our local high school. His parents called 911 on him to teach him a lesson. He killed himself. I stole books from my school compulsively (no reason behind it, I didn't even want it) and my parents almost called 911, I can 100% relate to my friend who killed himself over his parents betraying him.
21. Instead of 911, punish them at home. Do not risk ruining their life.
22. Spend time with them, watch their soccer games or whatever, try to get them to try out for sports in high school.
23. Tutor them as much as you can. Hire a professional tutor if possible.
24. Be prepared to hire a therapist for them if they're going through a tough time.
25. Don't throw adderall at them until every other option is exhausted, that's a rabbit hole that you don't want them to go down.
26. Make sure at first you put them in a lot of different activities, violin, soccer, ballet, piano, guitar, rock climbing, ice skating, at first. Then it'll narrow down to 1 to 3 activities. It's more important they stick with the activities for a long time rather than being okay at a large number of them.
27. Fix your own mental problems before raising them, or at least hide them from your kids so they're unaware. Like drug addictions or depression.
28. Don't limit them in any way. My guidance counselor told me to drop out of high school because she thought I was too stupid to graduate. I was labeled as "slow" and unable to learn in lower grades. But after high school in college I learned that I was unusually smart and the subjects were just too boring. I have 3 bachelors degrees and am applying to masters programs now. I've taken hard classes with the same students in my high school who were in I.B. and had 4.0 GPAs and they failed the classes while I crushed the classes (organic chemistry, calculus, physics, biochemistry, etc.), my sister was valedictorian and the golden child in my parent's eyes. I turned out to be able to perform better than her academically and am smarter in many useful ways but her IQ is higher.
29.

Any other thoughts? Note I do not have kids. And have the opposite experience of good parents.

I indulged in a lot of eastern philosophy. Eckhart warns that even if the parents are enlightened, it doesn't guarantee that the children will be as well.

Op given your background, there's a good chance that your experience led you down the path and you unplugged. You recognize bad experience. You could correct the parenting one day with your kids or not.

RP has the notion that traumas lead to unplugging. I see more RP rage &&&& wackkkkk game but I digress.

JBP had a pod on the psychological significance of the biblical series. Here, he described an idea of seeing everything God does for your own betterment. the reader is to presuppose "being as such" is for your progression.

Similarly, if you had a better parenting and or dating experience, you wouldn't be here now nor prompted to make any changes. There wouldn't be anything to optomize.

 

[Murk]

Private school is a waste of money. I went to prestigious private schools for most of my life. The kids ended up at the same universities as the public school kids. The biggest impact on academic performance is parental involvement.

Incorrect, at least in the UK. Private school is for networking and the old boys clubs you get access to. I have a friend (ex colleague, we've both gone on to start our own business ventures), he has such a leg up in life it's unreal, no money problems, his dad has an extensive property portfolio, his "friends" all have dads working in high powered jobs, they can take a year off to make an app that fails and there are no drawbacks. They can take risks and be bold, poor/struggling people need to play their hands perfect or close to, to achieve results in life. You mess up early it's difficult to dig yourself out with no support.

Private school is useless if you don't utilise it and the connections it brings.

I had no money, no siblings, abuse of all kinds, isolated childhood due to abuse, 1 single parent that was broke and died leaving me nothing, a whole bunch of trauma and sense of worthlessness. The only thing I had was my intelligence, I've made myself successful through hard graft on autopilot while abusing drink and drugs, I suffer from mental illness. I just always knew I would be rich, I didn't know how but from a child I knew I deserved it and was smarter than most people (slightly narcissistic tendancies), my business just made £250k in year 2 mostly without any employees just me in my bedroom (and now moved into an office with some new hires).

There are some things that can't be taught, inner grit, morality etc maybe I think they can't be taught because I never had a dad/role model, but I feel you are born with certain traits, I've seen good parents raise criminals.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Aurora,
I have raised five kids....The brightest was a Mathematics prodigy,at eleven years old the local University offered him a Sandwich Course,for very talented Kids which he rejected,he now drives a Forklift....The dullest by far was dyslectic but at 41 he is now a self made millionaire...the happiest? well it's not who you might think it is...You want to Social Engineer their progress,then vet their peer group.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Assuming people are happy because they become doctors might be the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

 

[BadBoy89]

I was personally raised horribly and abused badly

Like what?

 

[jaygreenb]

This is very anecdotal but I am in a pretty high level entrepreneur organization, everyone involved is minimum 7 figure types to even qualify but there are many 8 to 9 figure types as well. Some very hyper successful people. Most of them had some sort of trauma or extreme dysfunction early in life that gave them the obsessive drive to push it to that level of commitment. Would say the majority with that trauma go the other way and aren't successful but a small percentage of them pushes them to the other extreme, like they have something to prove their value and they did it through accomplishments. To get to certain levels of success it can take a level of obsessiveness and dysfunction to have that level of focus and risk taking. Would not recommend this route obviously since it would more likely go the other extreme. Would add in there, make them earn/work what they get in their early years like chores or a job to pay for part of their car. Don't over spoil them

 

[Pandora]

Incorrect, at least in the UK. Private school is for networking and the old boys clubs you get access to. I have a friend (ex colleague, we've both gone on to start our own business ventures), he has such a leg up in life it's unreal, no money problems, his dad has an extensive property portfolio, his "friends" all have dads working in high powered jobs, they can take a year off to make an app that fails and there are no drawbacks. They can take risks and be bold, poor/struggling people need to play their hands perfect or close to, to achieve results in life. You mess up early it's difficult to dig yourself out with no support.

Private school is useless if you don't utilise it and the connections it brings.

I had no money, no siblings, abuse of all kinds, isolated childhood due to abuse, 1 single parent that was broke and died leaving me nothing, a whole bunch of trauma and sense of worthlessness. The only thing I had was my intelligence, I've made myself successful through hard graft on autopilot while abusing drink and drugs, I suffer from mental illness. I just always knew I would be rich, I didn't know how but from a child I knew I deserved it and was smarter than most people (slightly narcissistic tendancies), my business just made £250k in year 2 mostly without any employees just me in my bedroom (and now moved into an office with some new hires).

There are some things that can't be taught, inner grit, morality etc maybe I think they can't be taught because I never had a dad/role model, but I feel you are born with certain traits, I've seen good parents raise criminals.

The UK is different. There are also different levels of private schools. In American the average run of the mill private is a waste of money. Look at the colleges that the kids from private schools go to. You can find the lists online possibly. They are not much different than where the public school kids go. The exceptions to this are really bad urban schools.

I think the UK private schools are more intense and prestigious than the US ones. If you go to a good public school in America you can end up in a decent University. Many of the kids go to Ivy's.

 

[Fruitbat]

I’ve done a lot of education which actually entitles me to do things.
i don’t have a bachelors degree.
I think they’re overrated. What difference when your 30 does having done 3 years of part time study a decade ago, most of which is forgotten, make?

I am going to make damn sure if my daughter gets a degree, it’s a worthwhile one. I know tons of graduates who are thick as a post but cling to their qualification like it means something.

Life finds people out eventually. Sadly at that time in my life I had to support myself, at 16 due to family issues, and I have limited respect for people who (generally) had a familiar background which allowed them to achieve this, and I’ve had to deal with some snobbery when I explain I’ve been working since 16 full time. There’s a real academic arrogance about them, like you’re nobody if you didn’t take some course decades ago.

yes, I have a slight chip on my shoulder about this

recently I explained to someone with a masters than I have degree level learning but no actual university degree and they said “oh, just a certificate. How can that possibly get you a raise?” (It got me a job on double my income)
Kind of pisses me off.

 

[SOG_85]

I think it's important to pay attention to your child. This is where having enough money really comes into play, because parents who are always worried about money won't, or can't give their kids enough attention. I also think that one of a parent's most important jobs is to make sure their child is safe enough to make mistakes until they figure out who they are and what they want to do with their lives.

 

[Slowhandluke]

I wanted to start this thread for a while and the other thread https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/are-children-worth-it-do-you-regret-having-kids.273960/ inspired me to do this.
I was personally raised horribly and abused badly and somehow came out okay, and my cousin and sister came out successful due to abuse.

But I've spoken to many people about this, and asked my successful (like medical doctor friends who make over $300,000 a year) how they were raised, and a friend who graduated with 5 bachelors degrees in 3 years, is ripped and has a normal social life and hot girlfriend so he's not a nerd. Etc.

Here's what we theorized and my observations:
1. More educated you are, the better they'll do in school. Having a bachelors degree is a minimum requirement in my opinion for raising kids. It's not that the degree or knowledge helps, it's that they know they come from someone or a family that its normal. A masters or PhD parents typically raise kids who simultaneously have that.
2. Private schools have no impact.
3. Immerse them in sports early on.
4. Musical instrument.
5. NEVER abuse them verbally or physically. Preferably never even hit them once ever.
6. Tell them the truth even if its hard to handle or you think they won't understand.
7. Be accepting, like if they experiment with dr**** don't be judgmental.
8. Sexuality or being gay or trans, be accepting.
9. Being wealthy helps.
10. Not divorcing and being together at least until they're 18 will be a minimal requirement, ideally you're together not divorced until they're fully independent.
11. Not cheating on your spouse or at least not being caught doing it, and definitely not having arguments in front of them.
12. Believe them if it even remotely sounds like they were abused.
13. Entertain any beliefs or dreams or goals they have, no matter how ludicrous, at least at a young age.
14. Always encourage them if their dream is realistic, don't limit their dreams or tell them it's unlikely because it's hard or you could never do it.
15. Don't live vicariously through them, they are their own person. If they want to play video games or dungeons and dragons all day, don't force them to be a pick up artist or weightlifter. Although, hopefully you raised them so they don't play video games or D&D all day. Or hopefully that is just a phase.
16. The younger a guy loses his virginity, the better he is with women for the rest of his life. This is a 100% correlation I've seen.
17. Put them in a lot of different social situations so they're adaptive when they're older.
18. Throw birthday parties for every birthday and be involved in their life when they're younger.
19. Don't be intrusive and trust they'll make the right choices, don't cross boundaries of privacy like going through room or phone.
20. NEVER call the police on them, EVER. I have a friend (had a friend) who stole a bunch of computers from our local high school. His parents called 911 on him to teach him a lesson. He killed himself. I stole books from my school compulsively (no reason behind it, I didn't even want it) and my parents almost called 911, I can 100% relate to my friend who killed himself over his parents betraying him.
21. Instead of 911, punish them at home. Do not risk ruining their life.
22. Spend time with them, watch their soccer games or whatever, try to get them to try out for sports in high school.
23. Tutor them as much as you can. Hire a professional tutor if possible.
24. Be prepared to hire a therapist for them if they're going through a tough time.
25. Don't throw adderall at them until every other option is exhausted, that's a rabbit hole that you don't want them to go down.
26. Make sure at first you put them in a lot of different activities, violin, soccer, ballet, piano, guitar, rock climbing, ice skating, at first. Then it'll narrow down to 1 to 3 activities. It's more important they stick with the activities for a long time rather than being okay at a large number of them.
27. Fix your own mental problems before raising them, or at least hide them from your kids so they're unaware. Like drug addictions or depression.
28. Don't limit them in any way. My guidance counselor told me to drop out of high school because she thought I was too stupid to graduate. I was labeled as "slow" and unable to learn in lower grades. But after high school in college I learned that I was unusually smart and the subjects were just too boring. I have 3 bachelors degrees and am applying to masters programs now. I've taken hard classes with the same students in my high school who were in I.B. and had 4.0 GPAs and they failed the classes while I crushed the classes (organic chemistry, calculus, physics, biochemistry, etc.), my sister was valedictorian and the golden child in my parent's eyes. I turned out to be able to perform better than her academically and am smarter in many useful ways but her IQ is higher.
29.

Any other thoughts? Note I do not have kids. And have the opposite experience of good parents.

75% genetics... 25% environment assuming basic necessities are met (food, shelter, etc.). Basically if you have good genetics, those will be passed on to your kids. Since genetics also plays an important part of your personality - the parents personality; (how nurturing you are, how much patience you have, etc.. etc.) that will also affect the kids environment.

There will be edge cases, but for the most part... Smart people have smart kids... dumb people have dumb kids. Violent people have violent kids.

There have been studies of twins that were separated from birth. Scientist found that a lot of the kids characters/behaviors were the same and their level of "achievement" were on par with each other EVEN THOUGH the twins were raised in separate households some of which were wealthier households and some which were average households.

Yeah, if people want to learn more about this subject, research separated identical twins at birth and the outcomes of these twins. There are several studies on this. Genetics plays a huge part on who we are.

 

[Epimanes]

Help them and teach them to do dangerous things safely.... this will boost their confidence and sense of self.

 

[Plinco]

Dunno about that, man. Will Smith’s kids are pretty retarded. You can look at many children of the rich and successful and scratch your head with confusion. How does this happen?

If you’re Woke, it doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are. You’ll end your family lineage in a generation via poor woke decision making.

The real issue here is the fake BluePill matrix that’s fed to kids through education and media. This is systematic and done on purpose by the controllers of culture.

You aren’t allowed to interfere with it either. It’s illegal to interfere with the government’s interference with your kids.

Yes of course. What I was referring to was in an all else assumed to be normal situation, but yes you have a point.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Some of the things on your list I can agree with, others not so much. Being wealthy does NOT help (but not being poor does). Most successful people come from a middle class background. Children of rich people are, more often than not, fvck-ups.

Some of your points are also contradictory. How do you "tell them the truth even if it's hard to handle" and, at the same time, "entertain any beliefs or dreams or goals they have, no matter how ludicrous".

IMO, raising successful children comes down to two factors: being a good role model (this is especially important if you are a father) and balance. Being a good role model means being a man that your kids can respect and look up to. That includes having a strong character and not being a pushover. There is a significant overlap between qualities that make you attractive to women and qualities that make your children respect you. And balance is key to everything in life, including raising kids. You have to be strict but fair; understanding but also willing to correct your kids when they are wrong; encouraging, without making your kids think they are "special".