How to motivate myself to approach women ?

heiren06

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Hello,

For my first post in this forum, let me introduce myself. I am 33 years old guy. I think I am rather attractive (I catch women looking at me pretty much everyday) and I also don’t consider myself an idiot, I have lived in many countries and I can speak six languages. But I am eternally single !

The main problem is my extreme shyness (which pretty much ruined every aspect of my life). My low self-esteem also played a major role in my loneliness.

Whenever a woman showed signs of interest to me, I would create little scenarios in my head to convince myself that it she was anything but interested in me, after all how could she have any interest in me ? I was worthless!

After a lot of introspection, I realized that it was rubbish, that I am an interesting person and that I have a lot of things to offer. Now, based on my observations I am convinced I could get almost any girl I want but I have one last major obstacle, motivation!

I initially thought that I never approached women I was interested to because I was scared or rejections, because I was ashamed of my sexual desires and I was afraid of what other people (I don’t even know btw) might say or think. It was pretty clear to me THAT was my problem…. and then I discovered meditation.

About three years ago, I discovered Vipassana meditation which helped me monitor my thoughts and feelings as they arise and one day, as I was sitting in the subway right in front of a hot chick who kept looking at me, my problem became obvious to me.

My problem is that whenever I see a woman I am attracted to, instead of going to talk to her, I think that “it is too much work” “I have other things to do to day” “I am to busy” “it is not worth it”. Only to regret not making a move an hour later.

Has anybody in this forum went trough this ? Could anybody give me some tips to motivated myself in those situations?

I am angry at myself because I have the conviction that pickup up chicks should be the easiest thing in the world for me, yet when it is time for action my motivation inexplicably disappears!

By the way, I am not the who go to clubs and bars to pick up women, I find it pointless, first of all, I am a rather solitary man, so I go there alone, bored as hell, having to endure horrible music not knowing what to do with myself. I would prefer picking up chicks anywhere else, the street, the supermarket, the bus, anywhere else !


Thank you
 

Racecar

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Greetings and welcome to the boards!

I think the first thing you must consider is whether motivation is really the factor at hand here. When I started out, I told myself all sorts of lies to rationalize my approach anxiety: "Yeah...I could have her if I wanted her" or "I'm not looking my best today" or "She's probably a low value girl" etc.

The whole "I'm too lazy to approach her" thing was another one. If you're nervous or fear rejection at first, there's nothing wrong with admitting to that. The first step in overcoming a problem is recognizing it exists.

Assuming you truly do lack the motivation to sarge, ask yourself this: "what will happen to me if I never approach women?" Do you want to get married one day? Start a family? Develop a meaningful long-term relationship? Have great sex every day? These things will never happen if you don't put in the effort!

Start by devising a quota. Try talking to one new woman every day for a couple of weeks. For the third week, increase it to two on the weekends. It'll take willpower and a bit of courage, but you can do it!

There are all sorts of great threads about approaching on these boards. There's a lot of material to read too. These are great resources, but it ultimately falls on YOU to make it happen.

Good luck!
 

EFFORT

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How often do you masturbate? Are you a virgin?
 

floydb25

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You kinda answered your own question. When you DON'T approach - you feel ****ty... A great opportunity passed by. That should be your motivation right there.

You still have an underlying fear of rejection doubled with low self-esteem, and its not doing you any good. Even if a girl shows interest - you assume she's not interested, and sabotage before you can be rejected. Your fear is creating the same negative results that you are trying to avoid in the first place. That's what fear does... It's counter-intuitive.

Don't worry about it. Women aren't special; just ordinary human beings. Their approval doesn't determine your worth... And so forth. Once you realize that - rejection isn't a big deal. You also don't have to be desperate, insecure, seek their approval, prove your worth... Cause they're not worth it. It's not a big deal at all to be accepted. You don't NEED to be.

The most that can happen is you get rejected. The worst thing that can happen by not trying is letting a potential love interest slip by. That's a few minutes vs potentially forever. Trust me, its worth it. There is no "risk" involved in approaching. Don't make it out to be bigger than it is, or feel the need to impress anyone.
 

heiren06

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I might be wrong but I really don’t believe that I actually feel any fear of approach when I see a woman am am attracted too, it might still be here but it is nothing compared to what it used to be.

It is the same thing for the low self esteem, I really don’t feel it anymore, as I have said I have spent a lot time studying my fears and trying to understand my behavior. Now, my biggest obstacle is my lack of motivation when it is time for action, I really cannot explain it but it drives me crazy. It really is the story of my life, it is like if I was constantly sabotaging myself and I don’t even know why.

To reply to Effort no I am not a virgin, do you imply that my lack of motivation might be coming from a lack of sexual activity ? that it is such a distant memory that I cannot how remember how it was to be with somebody hence my inability to look forward to live it again ?

I would agree if I simply didn’t feel any interest to women anymore but I do, the problem is that when the opportunity present itself (and I have opportunities everyday) talking to he girl seems like a chore but I always regret it ! and I repeat this stupid behavior over and over again.
 

If you currently have too many women chasing you, calling you, harassing you, knocking on your door at 2 o'clock in the morning... then I have the simple solution for you.

Just read my free ebook 22 Rules for Massive Success With Women and do the opposite of what I recommend.

This will quickly drive all women away from you.

And you will be able to relax and to live your life in peace and quiet.

Songz

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Bro, just from the way you write, your spontaneouty and personality is taken over by all these theory and deeper issues.

A lot of people feel your vibe (even before you approach). So even if you have the perfect line, your vibe will do more damage than good.
 

SharinganUser

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Stop making it a big deal. You are going up to her to have a chat and that's it. You aren't going to have sex with her on the spot. And nothing bad is going to happen if you don't click with her. In fact even you do everything right, she still might be dumb, or mean, or boring, ect... You don't know and you won't find out until you talk to her.

Just remember to keep things light and be a ball-buster.
 

AAAgent

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We starting a forum wide group Approach Anxiety competition. join up. should be in this discussion forum.
 

EFFORT

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How often do you masturbate?
 

1ncredible

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The way I think a lot is:

'She can only say No'...'It's her loss'...'In a 100 years time, who's gonna give a sh1t?'

Keep them ^^ in mind when you're out and about.
 

Drewskie

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I"ll bump this up. The op's words are exactly what I'm thinking.
 

backseatjuan

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Picture this

YOU have anxiety how to approach a woman

SHE has anxiety 1000 idiots like you trying to approach her


Approaching is not the cheese, get over it. Try to find a balance of self, realize there is a whole world without women, live your life.
 

Chris Gamble

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Be held accountable

Find a buddy to do this with so you can hold each other accountable if you aren't approaching (also joining the approach thread here is a great idea). Also, have fun and try different things, experiment and see what works...good luck!

Chris
 

ilikecharlene

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I think too many guys are influenced by society to deify hot women, and hence get scared/intimidated by them. I would say that in this event:

- the woman gets turned off by the lack of confidence
- due to fear, one regrets for many years after not talking to the woman in the grocery or in class, since her hotness was intimidating

the key IMO is to un-deify (so to speak) women. I think mean be sexist or misogynistic, but see women as regular people and don't feel intimidated by them. The best way to overcome this fear is to befriend as many women as possible, and predominately attractive ones. By becoming their friends, you see them as regular and not necessarily sexually, so you can appreciate them (and in turn women in general) without feeling overawed or intimidated.
 
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