How to make her a better person?

[Somedude]

You guys helped me a lot in the past, and I'm really grateful for this community. Now I would like to ask a question because I couldn't find the answer by googling the site.

A little backstory:

I had a GF who I couldn't date quite often because she was irrationally afraid of the tests in school. She was completely freaked out by the end of the exams and this was one of the reasons I broke up with her.
My next girlfriend showed the same symptoms, but only at the end of her masters at the very final exams. But then, it was way worse. I also broke up with her, I decided I don't want a GF with problems like this.
Later I tried to date a girl who turned out to be pretty weird(I never had a date, but I've heard from a reliable source that she has a BF and she was always unhappy with her relationship; I asked her number, she didn't give it and later she complained to the reliable source why I'm not more pushy).
I found out about a different girl before I asked her number that she has stress problems, and she had difficulty learning how to drive, she gave up and lost all her hope about it.
Now I bumping into red flags like this everywhere(mostly GFs/ex-GFs of friends).
-a friend told me about his past GF (and he ditched her some time after when he found out this) who was emotionally unstable and even attempted a suicide a long time ago
-the GF of my (different one) friend has so little confidence in English she even refuses to learn more by watching movies with English subtitles. Also she really don't want to meet with other people. I met her twice in 7 years.
-I even heard a case when the GF of a third friend was afraid of lightning (OK, maybe I'm overreacting at this point)

As I said I've decided not to date girls like that but I'm starting to change my mind because these issues seem to be way too common. I've tried to google on how to change them, how to make them solve their problems. I also realized that if I could make them a better person, then:
-I would also improve in certain ways,
-this process will create a very strong rapport,
-the experience will be very useful later, when I'll have children

So how can I make my next girlfriend a better person?
Thanks in advance!

 

[amazingswayze]

raise your standards

 

[Lozboss]

You don't change women

You bin them if they have red flags and you look for the ones that don't. Keep looking and keep your standards.

Never settle or lower standards when it comes to behaviour.

 

[ubercat]

Don't b the guy who fixes up women. I did that to an ex. Of course got no thanks and she believed it was all her doing it. Get on with your goals and improve their life by improving yours. If you improve your own money looks and social status believe me they will be happy to take the free ride

 

[BrainDamage92]

:crackup: :crackup: I just read the title like...

You cant change other people if you're not God or their parents. Even their parents have a short window of time. It takes years for psychologists to change people, but they need clients, so they are rotten, so are the doctors - keep them alive, not healthy is what its all about.

you cant change people

 

[marmel75]

Wtf has this place gone to??? I can't even say anything...

 

[NSX-R]

If the person does not ask help to change then why would you do it?
Secondly raise your standards if you want a proper gf. Find a gf which meets your standards and not any available you find.

 

[Somedude]

Thanks for the replies and for your advice.

 

[Serenity]

Changing others is extremely tricky, especially if it touches their fears. The last thing you want to do is to make them feel defective in any way. If you are going to remotely even attempt it you most of all need self-control and you need a lot of careful understanding. So many people fail horribly at changing others and what they actually do is emotional abuse in mild forms.

I found a very few effective ways of making others feel comfortable and it's not to throw them into it, rather it's the opposite. You go first, take the lead and in their minds you're taking a huge risk. You show them it's safe and invite them in.

Also rational argument is very weak against the feeling of fear, personal observations are not.

 

[Suspens]

By not being a captain save a hoe

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You can make an example by leading. Also the best way for someone to change is they change themselves, life stops coddling them, that includes you. Like dude said by stop being the captain save a hoe, it will ensure she has repurcussions and pain and loss behind her actions and maybe then she will adjust herself.

Ensure that your interactions are positive.

 

[SamTheHobit]

How to change a women - Invent a time machine. Go back in time to when she was a baby and smack her parents into being better parents with morals.

Everything about who a person is, comes down to how a person was raised.

 

[Uropa]

Don't try to change anybody.

 

[Epimanes]

You can't make people change... The only person you can change is you. So either adjust or vacate..

Remember this... "Doing what you have always done gets you what you have always gotten"

So do something different or date a different kind of person than you normally would and see what happens.

Ingrain that in your head....

Epi

 

[Somedude]

Changing others is extremely tricky, especially if it touches their fears. The last thing you want to do is to make them feel defective in any way. If you are going to remotely even attempt it you most of all need self-control and you need a lot of careful understanding. So many people fail horribly at changing others and what they actually do is emotional abuse in mild forms.

I found a very few effective ways of making others feel comfortable and it's not to throw them into it, rather it's the opposite. You go first, take the lead and in their minds you're taking a huge risk. You show them it's safe and invite them in.

Also rational argument is very weak against the feeling of fear, personal observations are not.

Thanks Grewd! So it's possible this way, but it really shouldn't be relied on.

 

[ubercat]

SomeDude.

U need to listen. A whole bunch of experienced guys have just told you its an express ticket to pain and misery. I've Captain save-a-hoed my way through 6 LTRs and one marriage. if you go down this path you're thinking you know better than all of us combined. good luck with that.

 

[Somedude]

Maybe my reply sounded like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX5jNnDMfxA
I acknowledged it and I won't even try it. Thanks again for warning me this can only end badly.

 

[Somedude]

Maybe my reply sounded like I didn't, but I really acknowledged what you say. Thanks for warning me this can only end badly.

 

[Desdinova]

To get the woman you want, you have to find the highest quality woman possible. You cannot have a successful relationship with a 5hitty foundation. You can train a woman to some extent, but you cannot change her core beliefs, morals, or personality.

If you get yourself a dog that's been abused, you might be able to teach him to roll over, but he'll still probably bite you at some point. That's why you get one that hasn't been abused.

 

[Serenity]

Thanks Grewd! So it's possible this way, but it really shouldn't be relied on.

There are exceptions, some people willfully avoid changing often to their own detriment. In cases where she wouldn't mind changing and she's just a little insecure it can be done. It's more about changing yourself anyways and being a role model, do not do what you wouldn't want her doing. If that is telling her how to be you'll have to expect her to try to control you at some point, so be careful how you influence people.