how to make friends as an adult male in todays world?

[rocco]

making friends used to come naturally when I was younger. The most friends I've ever made was in highschool, and is where I have most my most fond partying memories with drinking buddies etc.

I hated college for several reasons that I will not mention right now. But it is also a time in my life, where I began to have more success with women. It is also a time when I became more insular. Anyways

a lot of my old friendships have drifted apart, and I've noticed my circle of friends have decreased a lot. Today maybe I have like, 3 seperate friends, most them right now are deadbeats and They are just very dysfunctional in my opinion. with the exception of one friend that I still have, He is for the most part, successful with women and the only friend I would value to keep around at this time.

So basically I need to make new friends, but at the age of 27, I think I forgot how to make friends (I know its pathetic).

How does an adult male make friends these days? I am going to be totally honest and say that, I always tend to feel a bit awkard when asking a guy I just met to hangout for the first time. To be honest it feels kind of gay to make guy friends these days. I think this is what caused me to not make much friends. I am 100 percent heterosexual. Also to note, Back in the day when I was good at making friends, success with sex with women wasn't in the picture that much atleast compared to how it is today. I think this may be a cause of the awkwardness nowadays because perhaps I view other males too much as competitors, or we view eachother as such, I don't know.

I am somewhat dissapointed because at the age of 27, this should be like the rennaisance age for me. We are living in a very amazing time in history. And in many aspects, I have made a lot of improvements with success with women and other matters but, I've noticed I have become worse at making friends.

 

[Irs88]

I can imagine myself going through the same thing.

Maybe double date with some guy? You grab a girl, he grabs a girl. You guys hang out(bowling) with the chicks. If things go well, you guys can be sharing beers and watchin football while the chicks are making food for you.(one of my future dreams :])

 

[MikeEdward1973]

making friends used to come naturally when I was younger. The most friends I've ever made was in highschool, and is where I have most my most fond partying memories with drinking buddies etc.

I hated college for several reasons that I will not mention right now. But it is also a time in my life, where I began to have more success with women. Anyways

a lot of my old friendships have drifted apart, and I've noticed my circle of friends have decreased a lot. Today maybe I have like, 3 seperate friends, most them right now are deadbeats and They are just very dysfunctional in my opinion. with the exception of one friend that I still have, He is for the most part, successful with women and the only friend I would value to keep around at this time.

So basically I need to make new friends, but at the age of 27, I think I forgot how to make friends (I know its pathetic).

How does an adult male make friends these days? I am going to be totally honest and say that, I always tend to feel a bit awkard when asking a guy I just met to hangout for the first time. To be honest it feels kind of gay to make guy friends these days. I think this is what caused me to not make much friends. I am 100 percent heterosexual. Also to note, Back in the day when I was good at making friends, success with sex with women wasn't in the picture that much atleast compared to how it is today. I think this may be a cause of the awkwardness nowadays because perhaps I view other males too much as competitors, or we view eachother as such, I don't know.

I am somewhat dissapointed because at the age of 27, this should be like the rennaisance age for me. We are living in a very amazing time in history. And in many aspects, I have made a lot of improvements with success with women and other matters but, I've noticed I have become worse at making friends.

What I've found is that friends are best made with people who like to do the same things you do. A couple of the friends I've made recently are people that I saw in the sports bar I like to go to every Saturday. I watch a lot of college football. Eventually, there were a bunch of guys I saw there all the time, and the progression to going out with them after the games were over was very natural. I will say that for this to work, you do need to be a pretty big sports fan, and need to go pretty regularly in order to synch up with people you like.

I'd also suggest meetup.com. Pick your interest - politics, sports, arts, you name it, if you're in a major metropolitan area, there's a group of people that are regularly going to get together and enjoy the same things. Might as well link up with them. Actually, I'd definitely suggest that site to you. Lot of fun stuff goes on there.

Work can be a very good or bad place to make friends. Usually, there's one person that I end up being pretty good friends with at each company I work at. But - everyone's situation is different in that regard.

 

[Jitterbug]

Play sports, take up martial arts or join a fitness group. You'll make plenty of male friends.

 

[Tazman]

Yeah, similarities do often breed friendships. I only have a hand full of friends that I've known since I was young, never really tried to make new ones. It's like it just happens on it's own.

The odd thing is, I've tried being more social with people (strangers) than I usually am and it got me into a few awkward situations. Normal, seemingly masculine guys who I thought were just friendly and social turned out to be gay, thinking that I was also gay. It made me a bit paranoid but I have to be realistic about these things and just chalk it up to experience.

 

[STR8UP]

I meet the majority of people I know either through work or through mutual friends.

If you can make two friends you can make ten. If you can make ten you can make a hundred. It's all about networking.

 

[RecoveringAFC]

I think it depends on how you define "friend". If you mean someone to do things with and hang out with that's one thing and it's pretty easy to find those people. If you mean life long friend who will be there for you through anything etc etc that's different. Those take a lot more time and energy to develop.

To find friends of the first type, get out and do things with others. Join clubs, talk to people at work, get out in the community. Over time you'll start seeing the same people at these events. Be social. Talk to them. Arrange to meet up at the next common event. Find out what they're doing for the weekend. If it interests you say something like: I've always wanted to do blah. Next time you go I'd like to come along. etc. If you're alone for an important date like Christmas. Mention it. Someone will usually invite you over.

That's just a few basic tips.

 

[#41]

I agree that it's all about networking -- and I'm not even sure that's the right word.

Several of my better friends are people I'd never met prior to a few years ago, and I met them through other friends. We'd be out on a Fri / Sat night as a big group -- exchanged numbers as a way of facilitating future plans and, before you knew it, we were hanging out independent of the friends that had introduced us.

If you're looking for new avenues entirely, I recommend work -- suggest getting a beer after work to some co-workers and see where that leads. Volunteering can be a good way to meet social people as well, as well as joining recreational sports leagues or hell, even playing golf regularly (if you show up as a solo, you'll always get added to other groups to make pairs or a foursome).

The key to avoiding the "gay" thing is to not target one person at a time for "Friend" status -- keep things in big groups and identify people who you have common interests with.

Hope it helps!

 

[STR8UP]

It's just like with women.....it's a numbers game. You meet a dozen people and you might find one you get along well with. You don't necessarily tell the rest to fukk off, but don't expect everyone you meet to become your best friend.

 

[rocco]

Hope this doesn't make me seem like a traitor to the male gender, but I think I will set my new years goal this year, to have as much female friends as much as possible without losing my masculinity of course.

I think this will place a lot of value on myself. Hopefully this will counteract any attention-wh0re girl I date in the future.

After reading a couple threads on this forum about "girls with too many guy friends" it got me thinking.

Hopefully this self reflection is of help to others in a similar situation and any additional advice is more than welcomed. thanks in advance

P.S. Right now I am trying to read David Deida, Way of the Superior Man. I hope this book helps me in my quest for better platonic friendships. But I am still looking for a more friendship building specific self-help books.. if anybody knows any good ones.

 

[rocco]

well it is because people of high value tend to have lots of friends of the opposite sex.

bump

 

[Nutz]

For starters, find some social groups on meetup.com and go to some of their events.

Second, throw a party. Invite your friends and have them all bring at least one person you've never met before. Make it known that it's a "social" for meeting new people, so out of your little clique of friends the people they bring nobody else there should know.

 

[BeyondCharm]

SIMPLE AND DIFFICULT:

SUMMARIZED:

Find a community and join it where you all have a common thread. The stronger the thread that binds you, the more easily you'll transition into friendships with these people because you'll see past your differences (because of the common thread) and find similarities and common interests (the foundations of friendship).

 

[Duffdog]

This is just another form of fear of rejection.

Just ask people if they want to do a specific thing. Seriously, who the hell thinks that a dude asking another dude to go do something is automatically gay? There has to be something weird about your mannerisms if someone would think that.

What do you phrase it like? "hey, um, well, want to do something sometime" as if you're an afc asking for a date? Well yeah then i can understand. But if you say "i play beer pong on thursday nights at so-and-so bar, you should come out" (i actually often do about twice a month.. this bar rules.), who the hell is gonna be like "dude that's so gay?" "You should come over and watch the game" isn't exactly gay either.

I just can't see that being that much of a deal, homophobe. Nice self esteem issues, by the way. "oh no everyone is looking at me judging my sexuality." No one is doing that unless you really are sending out some pretty weird ass vibes.

I agree its another form of fear.

I was into 4 wheeling, so I used to just go ask people about their trucks and where they wheel. Thats about the non-gayest thing you could do. Just decide what you like and talk with people who share your interests-- and don't say "nothing", everyone likes something. music, physics, investing, picking up random girls and fvcking them, photography, martial arts, etc. seriously pick something and go be social.

 

[rocco]

how do you set boundaries for your coworkers, strangers, bosses, classmates, while remaining open and friendly towards them?

 

[Monad1]

I am 31 and I find it hard to make friends, but playing music is a good way to at least hang out with and meet people. To actually become friends takes longer. I have the bad habit of always ditching ppl in my life for new ones. Plus I moved to a different area of the US so that doesn't help either. Being in a band is also a good way for me, not to try to prove I'm cool, but just to be out and involved and circulating among people. It could be anything really, anything that one holds a true interest in.

lol about the homophobia thing. I think like that too sometimes, that it seems weird to be friends with a guy. Although apparently this doesn't affect everyone, I think part of it must be our culture, modern society in the west. In Southeast Asia it's not unusual for brothers or friends to walk down the street holding hands. ! They are not as hung up as we are. And ironically, being gay is much less accepted over there. ?

Maybe the fact that it is not accepted over there, means that guys can just be themselves and hang, hold hands even and no one makes any assumptions. Unfortunately, if a man is seen as acting gay in the west, which is really anything that could be even slightly (mis)construed as being less masculiine, and is not accurate as there are plenty of straight acting gays; people will lose respect for a heterosexual man and women will loose interest (at least at face value).


This is why the term "that is so gay" is an insult, not to gay dudes, but to straight men. Unfortunately the PC police do not care about this distinction and find it to be offensive towards gays. This is probably because real discussion about masculinity and male heterosexuality is a taboo subject in the west and seems not to be valued anymore.

If we men are concerned about being seen as gay because of our friendship towards eachother, then this denigration and caricaturisation of masculinity by society has gone way, way, way too far...

Although "that is sooo gay" or other jibes, even our own insecurities about being percieved as gay is a way to keep men in line, it is a man's response that distinguishes him from the conformists (AFC's). His knee does not jerk in reaction, leaving egg on his face because he just says to his detractors or his insecure thoughts...

"I don't give a shyte, I'll do it anyway"